Any other women quiet quitting your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please understand that this will have an effect on your kids and can influence how they go about looking for a partner.

Lots of people had neglectful, ignorant fathers they never depended on for anything but a warm body on the sofa and some paycheck. No coaching, no emotional support, no real conversations, no worries or concerns, no parenting or disciplining, no care.

OP here. You just described my father when I was growing up, though he's since evolved and become more emotionally attuned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I regret marriage and kids. My quality of life is soooo much lower.

I resent being the primary parent and still expected to work. He mansplains to me about finding a better job as if I could travel like he can.

He’s also unkind to me and says rude things.

Same. If I could do my life over again not a chance I'd marry.

I agree, if you are a woman there are so many other ways to have kids and a family with way more legal and financial protections!

Yeah, the results are in and fatherlessness is FANTASTIC for kids.

Most marriages with fathers are fatherlessness.

What are the results on planned fatherless?

30-40% of pregnancies are fatherless children right out of the gate.

Then if the married with children births, half of those opt out of anything fatherly.

I think we have now reached the typical level of DCUM discourse. Just making sh!t up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

FYI the legal term for this in an at-fault divorce is “constructive desertion.”

Key words there being at-fault. Which means no even distribution of assets.

[Anonymous]

In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

But quiet quitting isn't about keeping score. It's about taking care of yourself and disengaging from other people's emotional responses.

[Anonymous]

Been there doing that. He hasn't noticed yet

[Anonymous]

Sheesh, take accountability and authorship of your life. Either go to couples therapy or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been there doing that. He hasn't noticed yet

Not there; not doing that.

If you really have quit - like he has - you would not notice whether he has noticed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please understand that this will have an effect on your kids and can influence how they go about looking for a partner.

Lots of people had neglectful, ignorant fathers they never depended on for anything but a warm body on the sofa and some paycheck. No coaching, no emotional support, no real conversations, no worries or concerns, no parenting or disciplining, no care.

Are you saying that’s what kids should expect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please understand that this will have an effect on your kids and can influence how they go about looking for a partner.

Lots of people had neglectful, ignorant fathers they never depended on for anything but a warm body on the sofa and some paycheck. No coaching, no emotional support, no real conversations, no worries or concerns, no parenting or disciplining, no care.

OP here. You just described my father when I was growing up, though he's since evolved and become more emotionally attuned.

And that’s a good example of how maybe that’s what you expected in a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sheesh, take accountability and authorship of your life. Either go to couples therapy or divorce.

We are in couples therapy, and all we talk about is him. I can't get a word in about my own experience of our marriage. We are going to end up divorced. And I am finally taking authorship of my own life in the interim. I just booked a 4-night solo vacation at a luxury hotel, and it feels really, really good. I'm not doing anything for his family anymore, and I never should have in the first place. Nor am I doing other things for him. I guess he hasn't cared for a long time, but I don't either now. I am taking care of myself and, by extension, my kids. They need a happy mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

Would you be happier being a SAH and not having to work (despite popular culture saying girl boss, instinctively it's opposite)? That may also be an option instead of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sheesh, take accountability and authorship of your life. Either go to couples therapy or divorce.

We are in couples therapy, and all we talk about is him.

What did the therapist say when you mentioned this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sheesh, take accountability and authorship of your life. Either go to couples therapy or divorce.

We are in couples therapy, and all we talk about is him.

What did the therapist say when you mentioned this?

Maybe all she does is complain about him and that's why they're talking about him. Women never take accountability in these situations. It's always the man's fault. Whatever it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

What, pray tell, was "his share of the parenting"? Sounds like you are lazy AF.

By his share of the parenting, I mean doing more than driving the kids to school once a month and occasionally showing up to the boy’s sports games. He did literally nothing else because “slides”, “email”, “I gotta take this call.”

Oh my god the effing calls. Always with the "need to take this call" or "on a call". 20+ years of this avoidance mechanism (and not much to show for it professionally I have to say.)