Any other women quiet quitting your marriage?

[Anonymous]

I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

[Anonymous]

Same

[Anonymous]

Yes. I regret marriage and kids. My quality of life is soooo much lower.

I resent being the primary parent and still expected to work. He mansplains to me about finding a better job as if I could travel like he can.

He’s also unkind to me and says rude things.

[Anonymous]

I tried this for years and it was wasted time. I won’t get those years back. I recommend divorce.

[Anonymous]

It lasted for 3-6 months for me and then DH got mad that I wasn’t doing everything and left.

This after he had been disengaged and centered around his job for a decade. I even tried to find a better job before that to un-quiet quit in the hopes of forcing him to participate more, and he sabotaged that.

Can’t win for trying.

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn’t you just divorce or set healthy boundaries? Quiet quitting seems like the worst option.

My Dh has def not done his fair share over the years and I’ve had to push back. We’ve also done counseling. Unfortunately, I think most men don’t collaborate/partner/share the load equally. It sucks. So, you can push on him to be a real partner or you can divorce.

Quiet quitting would just make me more resentful. I mean, are you having sex with someone you detest? I also think quiet quithing is a horrible relationship to model for your kids.

[Anonymous]

PP and during my quiet quit I went on a trip to nurse and elderly relative. DH brought it up repeatedly during divorce proceedings as evidence that I wasn’t a team player because I came home and was frustrated that there was no food in the house for the kids and none of the usual weekly chores had been touched, like laundry. We were in the middle of formal mediation and he was whining that my expectations weren’t fair. This was a man on the road 100 days or more per year for work who also took 3-4 friend trips per year and visited his parents frequently.

This made me realize that quiet quitting was never going to be a wake up call or “train” my DH to step up. He knew exactly what he’d been doing all along and saw it as his right within the marriage.

[Anonymous]

I thought the “quiet quitting” trend was during Covid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP and during my quiet quit I went on a trip to nurse and elderly relative. DH brought it up repeatedly during divorce proceedings as evidence that I wasn’t a team player because I came home and was frustrated that there was no food in the house for the kids and none of the usual weekly chores had been touched, like laundry. We were in the middle of formal mediation and he was whining that my expectations weren’t fair. This was a man on the road 100 days or more per year for work who also took 3-4 friend trips per year and visited his parents frequently.

This made me realize that quiet quitting was never going to be a wake up call or “train” my DH to step up. He knew exactly what he’d been doing all along and saw it as his right within the marriage.

Is your life better now after the divorce? My situation is very similar with DH’s travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought the “quiet quitting” trend was during Covid.

I don't think this is a trend, it's just a cute new name. It's a truism that by the time a woman tells a man she's leaving, she's tried and tried and tried to fix things, grown resentful, given up, and cannot be won back. Men threaten divorce as a tactic to bring women into line, women just leave when they're completely out of (&#s to give.

I feel badly for the women going through this but I also don't think it's anything new or trendy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought the “quiet quitting” trend was during Covid.

I don't think this is a trend, it's just a cute new name. It's a truism that by the time a woman tells a man she's leaving, she's tried and tried and tried to fix things, grown resentful, given up, and cannot be won back. Men threaten divorce as a tactic to bring women into line, women just leave when they're completely out of (&#s to give.

I feel badly for the women going through this but I also don't think it's anything new or trendy.

+1. For me it’s quitting trying for any emotional intimacy or connection. It’s not going to happen. I’ll get it elsewhere. It sucks so hard that he’s blind to how unhappy I have been for years — despite telling him multiple times in attempts to have conversations about it. Or maybe he sees and just doesn’t care. What else can you do when your partner has shown over and over and over again that they just. don’t. care. ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

Good for you. Makes sense.

Sorry your partner isn’t pulling his weight with his own home and children rearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn’t you just divorce or set healthy boundaries? Quiet quitting seems like the worst option.

My Dh has def not done his fair share over the years and I’ve had to push back. We’ve also done counseling. Unfortunately, I think most men don’t collaborate/partner/share the load equally. It sucks. So, you can push on him to be a real partner or you can divorce.

Quiet quitting would just make me more resentful. I mean, are you having sex with someone you detest? I also think quiet quithing is a horrible relationship to model for your kids.

Before you detest him he has chronically been an irresponsible self-centered ManChild. Who dumps everything on wifey. You sleeping with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and during my quiet quit, I went on a trip to nurse and elderly relative. DH brought it up repeatedly during divorce proceedings as evidence that I wasn’t a team player, because I came home frustrated that there was no food in the house for the kids and that none of the usual weekly chores had been done, like laundry. We were in the middle of formal mediation, and he was whining that my expectations weren’t fair. This was a man on the road 100 days or more per year for work who also took 3-4 friend trips per year and visited his parents frequently.

This made me realize that quiet quitting was never going to be a wake up call or “train” my DH to step up. He knew exactly what he’d been doing all along and saw it as his right within the marriage.

Is your life better now after the divorce? My situation is very similar with DH’s travel.

For example, this week he flew to Vegas for a single night for the purpose of going to a dinner and getting wasted that he claims was for work and it was only added to the calendar a couple days before he decided to go. This is not an isolated incident, it's just a day innoyr life. Meanwhile, I work a more than full-time job most days and run kids all over the city for travel sports and I'm lucky if I get 5 hours of sleep before I do it all another day. I'm just done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP and during my quiet quit I went on a trip to nurse and elderly relative. DH brought it up repeatedly during divorce proceedings as evidence that I wasn’t a team player because I came home and was frustrated that there was no food in the house for the kids and none of the usual weekly chores had been touched, like laundry. We were in the middle of formal mediation and he was whining that my expectations weren’t fair. This was a man on the road 100 days or more per year for work who also took 3-4 friend trips per year and visited his parents frequently.

This made me realize that quiet quitting was never going to be a wake up call or “train” my DH to step up. He knew exactly what he’d been doing all along and saw it as his right within the marriage.

You don’t mentally and physically quit coddling him to make you see the light.
It’s because you know he’s a narc, a misogynist, a dud, will not or cannot participate in family life.
Unf you have to continue doing everything. But you write off the deadweight dud and keep him on the sidelines like he wants and demonstrates.