Why do people change their mind and want to remarry again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would be the difference in your relationship if you got married? (Finances aside). Do you live together? Do you spend most of your time together? Are you each other's "other person"?

I guess I've never fully understood why someone is so against marriage unless it's that level of commitment they are against. In which case, that's the issue here. She wants to be more committed/serious than you.

I know I don't ever want to be taken advantage of again. If I want to get out I want to be able to just walk out a door. I dont want my money or health in jeopardy.

I wouldn't date or marry someone with this level of baggage.

+1. You’ve got one eye on your path to the door at all times. No thanks.

The best middle-aged partners are widowers who were happily married.

Depends on why they died early. Maybe they are unhealthy people or used them for their money making. Accidental death by someone else maybe this holds true but many people made the other spouse work too hard and they died early or they are so hung up on their late spouse that you will never measure up.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you had a very bad experience in the marriage department OP 💔 and I am sorry to hear this.

People change their minds about tons of stuff all the time and if your girlfriend has and you have not, then it appears that at this stage in your relationship you both may be incompatible sadly.

Because I do not see how either side can compromise on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good job, OP. Men, never get married.

What has he done other than get irritated?

Staying firm on his intuitions gleaned from hard lessons learned rather than letting some woman manipulate him because she wants leverage over him. Lot of pretzel logic going on in this tread without just openly saying the truth: she wants leverage over you, and your attention and resources and marriage is the means of attaining it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good job, OP. Men, never get married.

What has he done other than get irritated?

Staying firm on his intuitions gleaned from hard lessons learned rather than letting some woman manipulate him because she wants leverage over him. Lot of pretzel logic going on in this tread without just openly saying the truth: she wants leverage over you, and your attention and resources and marriage is the means of attaining it.

You need therapy as you view commitment as leverage . It’s not. It is what loving people want to give to their partners. Human love is proprietary at its core

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good job, OP. Men, never get married.

What has he done other than get irritated?

Staying firm on his intuitions gleaned from hard lessons learned rather than letting some woman manipulate him because she wants leverage over him. Lot of pretzel logic going on in this tread without just openly saying the truth: she wants leverage over you, and your attention and resources and marriage is the means of attaining it.

You need therapy as you view commitment as leverage . It’s not. It is what loving people want to give to their partners. Human love is proprietary at its core

It's more like he wants the leverage of being able to easily leave.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, women want commitment and marriage but will say they don’t (or try and convince themselves they don’t) in order to attract men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can have different opinions and change your mind. Maybe she just said that at the beginning because she wasn't sure and wanted to agree with you and that was the way you were leaning. Its ok to break up and take a hard line but you will look like a jerk if you are mean about it. Personally I find being so one way on something this universally appreciated in society is weird. Life isn't that static.

OP here. If we do break up, I am never going to be a jerk about it. In fact it's going to painful because she is perfect in every way.

I simply do not want to be married ever again.

Maybe I am sending signals to her that I am not committed enough and only marriage will show iron clad commitments? I hope not

You don't even live together, so for her to be discussing marriage before that happens is kind of crazy to me. Discuss THAT step and whether you'd be willing to take it. THEN you could rethink the marriage thing, if you wanted to. But you're entitled to your opinion, which you clearly stated and have stood by.

[Anonymous]

She bait and switched you, OP. Just imagine what else will change if she manipulates you into marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can have different opinions and change your mind. Maybe she just said that at the beginning because she wasn't sure and wanted to agree with you and that was the way you were leaning. Its ok to break up and take a hard line but you will look like a jerk if you are mean about it. Personally I find being so one way on something this universally appreciated in society is weird. Life isn't that static.

He tried it. It didn't work. But you don't think he's allowed to not want to do it again? That's crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people change their mind and want to remarry again?

I have been dating my girlfriend for about 2 years now. We are both divorced. We made it clear when we started dating that neither of us was interested in getting remarried. Now 2 years later, she asked me whether we should reconsider saying no to marriage ever. She didn't ask directly that we get married, she just said we should perhaps reconsider our position.

I am a hard No. I will absolutely break up over that. The fact that she even brought it up really turned me off. I have no desire to remarry. I am 46 and to be honest I rather be single and lonely for the rest of my life than go through marriage again.

Am I being unreasonable?

We both have descent money. We are both on track for retirement. We are not broke. Her child is a freshman in college and mine are in 10th grade and 7th grade. We don't need to do this. I don't get it.

She's alone for possibly the first time in her adult life, or in any event, alone for the first time in about 20 years, and it's kicking in. She doesn't want to keep going to bed in a house by herself. And that's ok, people can want companionship of various forms, but I think that's why it's coming up now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she wants to live together and have a lifelong commitment. And you don't. And that's okay! But she may break up with you over it. She may think it's wasteful to have two houses when you could have one. She sees that your kids will soon be off to college so she wouldn't have to deal with them much. She wants someone to be a mutual partner as she (and you) get older and have more health issues, otherwise the caregiving workload falls to adult children which can be very hard as they start having young kids of their own. Think about this-- do you want your kids to be your two primary caregivers if something happens with your health? Or would you like to have a wife/girlfriend to do it?

It's possible she always wanted this and was just telling you what you wanted to hear earlier. But I suspect her daughter launching to college is a turning point for her. Now that her daughter would not have to move in with you and your kids, and your girlfriend has more free time to think about her own life, she's reconsidering what she wants and your preferred dating relationship may not be what your girlfriend wants as an empty nester.

5.5 years isn't soon when you've been together for 2...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can have different opinions and change your mind. Maybe she just said that at the beginning because she wasn't sure and wanted to agree with you and that was the way you were leaning. Its ok to break up and take a hard line but you will look like a jerk if you are mean about it. Personally I find being so one way on something this universally appreciated in society is weird. Life isn't that static.

OP here. If we do break up, I am never going to be a jerk about it. In fact it's going to painful because she is perfect in every way.

I simply do not want to be married ever again.

Maybe I am sending signals to her that I am not committed enough and only marriage will show iron clad commitments? I hope not

I think your stance and decision are fine. It's smart, actually, because it's so hard to blend families. It's good you know yourself and it's good you don't live together.

She also can change her mind and has decided she wants something different. I suspect you will probably break up but there are women who don't want to marry again and in time you will find that person and she will find someone too.

But it does mean she really loves and cares about you and wants to be with you more than she is. She's not getting what she wants now.

OP here. You are correct. And she is absolutely allowed change her mind. She didn't do anything wrong. We do love each other. I just wish marriage was never going to be in the picture. Part of me is scared of being married again. We may end up breaking up because of me. I am just not ready to change my mind. We will talk about it more I'm sure as I avoided the subject when she brought it up. I just wanted to have the point of view of strangers on the Internet.

I am the issue and not her. She hasn't said anything wrong. I am just disappointed that me not being on board right away is letting her down.

Grrrr relationships are hard. Maybe I should have stayed single.

Did you go to therapy after your divorce? I'd suggest it, just so you can say out loud the things you feel and have someone repeat them back to you. You may discover that you're not against marriage, but deep down you don't really want to commit to her. Or you may discover that you think marriage will mean what you had with your ex but it doesn't have to be. Or you may discover that you absolutely do not want to get married again and that's the position you can continue to take. And there is nothing wrong with that at all. But it may be worth exploring your thoughts and feelings more deeply with a disinterested third party if you don't want to lose this woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would be the difference in your relationship if you got married? (Finances aside). Do you live together? Do you spend most of your time together? Are you each other's "other person"?

I guess I've never fully understood why someone is so against marriage unless it's that level of commitment they are against. In which case, that's the issue here. She wants to be more committed/serious than you.

I know I don't ever want to be taken advantage of again. If I want to get out I want to be able to just walk out a door. I dont want my money or health in jeopardy.

It sounds like your divorce was pretty traumatic for you. One thing to consider, if you want, is a very strong prenup. You guys won't have kids together so an agreement would keep your finances separate even while being married and would provide for a very easy divorce in the event it came to that. I can understand not wanting to go through the pain of that again, having seen some of my friends be absolutely shattered by their divorces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people change their mind and want to remarry again?

I have been dating my girlfriend for about 2 years now. We are both divorced. We made it clear when we started dating that neither of us was interested in getting remarried. Now 2 years later, she asked me whether we should reconsider saying no to marriage ever. She didn't ask directly that we get married, she just said we should perhaps reconsider our position.

I am a hard No. I will absolutely break up over that. The fact that she even brought it up really turned me off. I have no desire to remarry. I am 46 and to be honest I rather be single and lonely for the rest of my life than go through marriage again.

Am I being unreasonable?

We both have descent money. We are both on track for retirement. We are not broke. Her child is a freshman in college and mine are in 10th grade and 7th grade. We don't need to do this. I don't get it.

That’s a valid question and consideration.
Asked in a mature, respectful way.

Have a think and respond back to her.
That’s all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s looking for a gesture of commitment beyond dating - whether it is legal marriage, moving in together, or buying a home together, or maybe even a non-legally binding commitment ceremony. Something that indicates that you won’t just walk out the door because the fight you both had one day was big. It doesn’t seem like you are ready to commit to her long term.

Excellent points.
Get to the real drivers of her question. By talking about it with her nicely.