In-laws want to go see ds in college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have they paid for any of it?

You mean college? No, they have never paid for anything in our lives. We have had to help them out.

Why is it that people think their parents should pay for their children?

Wondered why OP was "scared" of displeasing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have they paid for any of it?

You mean college? No, they have never paid for anything in our lives. We have had to help them out.

Why is it that people think their parents should pay for their children?

Wondered why OP was "scared" of displeasing them.

I’m scared bc I hate conflict. I’ve seen mil completely lose it on other family members before (long rants to full on screaming tantrum level) and I have zero desire to go there with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have they paid for any of it?

You mean college? No, they have never paid for anything in our lives. We have had to help them out.

Why is it that people think their parents should pay for their children?

Wondered why OP was "scared" of displeasing them.

I’m scared bc I hate conflict. I’ve seen mil completely lose it on other family members before (long rants to full on screaming tantrum level) and I have zero desire to go there with her.

Well, the best way to not "go there" with you MIL is then not to take a weekend trip which requires a lot of togetherness. You're literally asking for conflict. Let your DH deal. If he doesn't want to spend time with his parents on his own, it's on him. I certainly would not go all out to please ILs whom their own child tries to avoid. Let them tantrum in their own house away from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a simple we don't have any trips planned out this spring. It is an exhausting trip and not one we are doing any more than we have to. DS will be home in the summer.

College isn't really a great venue anyways for a grandparent visit when they aren't local or all that independent.

This, but I would also suggest including them on a parent’s weekend visit next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have they paid for any of it?

You mean college? No, they have never paid for anything in our lives. We have had to help them out.

Why is it that people think their parents should pay for their children?

Wondered why OP was "scared" of displeasing them.

I’m scared bc I hate conflict. I’ve seen mil completely lose it on other family members before (long rants to full on screaming tantrum level) and I have zero desire to go there with her.

Why do you and your husband spend any time with this lady? You could never see her again if you didn’t want to. And I bet if you stopped being a buffer, your husband would miraculously have less time to spend with her.

[Anonymous]

Aww I loved taking my grandma around my college town and showing her around. Her biggest wish in life was to go to college and her parents would only send her brother so it was a big deal to her. It was 5 hours and my parents drove her both ways. There wasn't an airport near my college town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aww I loved taking my grandma around my college town and showing her around. Her biggest wish in life was to go to college and her parents would only send her brother so it was a big deal to her. It was 5 hours and my parents drove her both ways. There wasn't an airport near my college town.

She sounds nice. OP MIL doesn't sound nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have they paid for any of it?

You mean college? No, they have never paid for anything in our lives. We have had to help them out.

Why is it that people think their parents should pay for their children?

Wondered why OP was "scared" of displeasing them.

I’m scared bc I hate conflict. I’ve seen mil completely lose it on other family members before (long rants to full on screaming tantrum level) and I have zero desire to go there with her.

This seems like something that should have been included in the original post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have they paid for any of it?

You mean college? No, they have never paid for anything in our lives. We have had to help them out.

Why is it that people think their parents should pay for their children?

Wondered why OP was "scared" of displeasing them.

I’m scared bc I hate conflict. I’ve seen mil completely lose it on other family members before (long rants to full on screaming tantrum level) and I have zero desire to go there with her.

Stop this. You are an adult. Your MIL is a nasty ill behaved old woman. If she screams when you and your DH tell her no to this trip, you hang up or walk out, Do not enable another adult to throw screaming fits to get her way.

[Anonymous]

Preface. I think we're more family oriented than many on DCUM. And, I have learned that I don't often regret the things I do, but I do regret opportunities missed. So, here, where your son would love having a meal out with his grandparents and his grandparents would love to connect by seeing where he is now, I would do it. Family is important and I would want my son to be able to show his grandparents where he's living and what he's doing.

It wouldn't be a weekend trip, just an overnight. If I were resentful about paying their share (and I might be), I would ask for their credit card so I could book their room. And, I'd plan it rather than relying on spouse because I like to be in control of where we stay and what we do. And, if there were places I wanted to stop on the way there or back, I would do it.

Last thing. My kids love their grandmother (only grand they had by the time they came around) even though she was not often present for them. Kids are so forgiving and so accepting of people's limitations.

[Anonymous]

I see lots of potential conflicts. The in-laws will probably insist on a certain weekend that conflicts with your son’s schedule and will pressure your son to rearrange his schedule, or you will get everything set up and in-laws will ask you to change the date at the very last minute for some frivolous reason. Or your son can host his family for just a few hours but MIL will be hurt that it’s not more time. Or MIL will sense your hesitation and will sulk the whole time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I doubt it's about the expense. They probably don't feel comfortable doing this without you as a support person. Or they don't think they can get from train to college because they don't want to drive a rental car in an unfamiliar area.

So much of seniors' demands is them trying to work around their inability and people not wanting to see it for what it is.

It’s not even remotely weird for your son’s dad to bring his parents to visit without you.

Basically, it sounds like your husband is emotionally lazy and likes you to do all the hard work for him of navigating around people and their needs. DH doesn’t want to spend a weekend with his own parents without you? Seriously? That’s ridiculous. THAT’s weird. It sounds like he likes having you there to cushion (that is, take all the bruises from) his mother’s nastiness.

OP, you gotta stop being the buffer for your DH with his parents. If his mom dares to yell at you, walk away. It’s DH’s problem. But I bet he’s not even worried about this and you’ve been carrying anxiety about their stated wants for days now if not longer.

(Have you ever been in therapy?)

They're very autonomous in all other ways: both work, both are very active and walk miles every day, go out constantly with friends. I get that the driving is really intimidating at their age and I'd never demand they drive that far, but they are demanding it from us and I don't think that's fair either. And yes, i am scared to say no because they will be pissed off.

What’s wrong with letting your husband handle it? It’s his parents, he can say yes or no. You can chill at home.

No, he doesn't want to go alone with them. I also do think ds would think it's weird if I don't go. It would have to be during a weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I doubt it's about the expense. They probably don't feel comfortable doing this without you as a support person. Or they don't think they can get from train to college because they don't want to drive a rental car in an unfamiliar area.

So much of seniors' demands is them trying to work around their inability and people not wanting to see it for what it is.

It’s not even remotely weird for your son’s dad to bring his parents to visit without you.

Basically, it sounds like your husband is emotionally lazy and likes you to do all the hard work for him of navigating around people and their needs. DH doesn’t want to spend a weekend with his own parents without you? Seriously? That’s ridiculous. THAT’s weird. It sounds like he likes having you there to cushion (that is, take all the bruises from) his mother’s nastiness.

OP, you gotta stop being the buffer for your DH with his parents. If his mom dares to yell at you, walk away. It’s DH’s problem. But I bet he’s not even worried about this and you’ve been carrying anxiety about their stated wants for days now if not longer.

(Have you ever been in therapy?)

They're very autonomous in all other ways: both work, both are very active and walk miles every day, go out constantly with friends. I get that the driving is really intimidating at their age and I'd never demand they drive that far, but they are demanding it from us and I don't think that's fair either. And yes, i am scared to say no because they will be pissed off.

What’s wrong with letting your husband handle it? It’s his parents, he can say yes or no. You can chill at home.

No, he doesn't want to go alone with them. I also do think ds would think it's weird if I don't go. It would have to be during a weekend.

It’s not even remotely weird for your son’s dad to bring his parents to visit without you.

Basically, it sounds like your husband is emotionally lazy and likes you to do all the hard work for him of navigating around people and their needs. DH doesn’t want to spend a weekend with his own parents without you? Seriously? That’s ridiculous. THAT’s weird. It sounds like he likes having you there to cushion (that is, take all the bruises from) his mother’s nastiness.

OP, you gotta stop being the buffer for your DH with his parents. If his mom dares to yell at you, walk away. It’s DH’s problem. But I bet he’s not even worried about this and you’ve been carrying anxiety about their stated wants for days now if not longer.

(Have you ever been in therapy?)

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t make a special trip out with them if you weren’t already planning on it. He’s not graduating at the end of this school year right? Maybe they can accompany you at some point next school year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have they paid for any of it?

You mean college? No, they have never paid for anything in our lives. We have had to help them out.

Why is it that people think their parents should pay for their children?

Wondered why OP was "scared" of displeasing them.

I’m scared bc I hate conflict. I’ve seen mil completely lose it on other family members before (long rants to full on screaming tantrum level) and I have zero desire to go there with her.

OMG. I’d take a long rant and tantrum everyday and twice on Sunday before I would arrange a 7 hour drive each way with demanding parents. This is a no brainer.