In-laws want to go see ds in college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt it's about the expense. They probably don't feel comfortable doing this without you as a support person. Or they don't think they can get from train to college because they don't want to drive a rental car in an unfamiliar area.

So much of seniors' demands is them trying to work around their inability and people not wanting to see it for what it is.

They're very autonomous in all other ways: both work, both are very active and walk miles every day, go out constantly with friends. I get that the driving is really intimidating at their age and I'd never demand they drive that far, but they are demanding it from us and I don't think that's fair either. And yes, i am scared to say no because they will be pissed off.

[Anonymous]

You would probably make this work if you actually liked them, right?

[Anonymous]

That is an odd request, my own parents never visited me in college. They can just do a virtual tour or something 😉

[Anonymous]

Scared? Are they paying for stuff?

Tell them that by the time you drive them, pay for your lodgings etc it will be too expensive just to provide transportation for them. Offer to chip in for flights if you want.

[Anonymous]

How is this your problem? No one is making you drive them. Just say you are not able to make the trip with them and don't get involved further.

[Anonymous]

What if you told them you just can't get away but would love to buy the bus tickets for them and include information about how nice the bus is? If they really want to visit and transportation is the real obstacle, that solves it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would probably make this work if you actually liked them, right?

Nah. A seven hour drive? That's a day of work each way. That's over $500 in gas, meals and two hotel rooms, never mind taking days off work. This is a HUGE ask of the grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would probably make this work if you actually liked them, right?

Tough question because I don't think people I like would necessarily demand we take this trip. They were not sweet or involved grandparents at all when ds was growing up and we don't have a great relationship partly because of that as we grew more distant throughout the years. So the idea of being in a car that long and together for two whole days of meals and activities with them, knowing they'll complain a lot, be cold and picky? Yes, that sounds pretty awful. I could deal with one day but this trip can't just be one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You would probably make this work if you actually liked them, right?

Nah. A seven hour drive? That's a day of work each way. That's over $500 in gas, meals and two hotel rooms, never mind taking days off work. This is a HUGE ask of the grandparents.

It’s a question for OP.

[Anonymous]

I mean, I would start with asking if DS wants this? The answer is probably no, but on the off chance it's yes, I would try to accommodate. If no, then just say you're not planning to visit him but they can see him when he comes up.

[Anonymous]

This isn't really fair to your kid.

You can offer to bring them for pick-up if that works, otherwise sometimes you just need to explain "We kind of let Johnny have college to himself. We don't visit him, and most kids don't have family visitors. What other ways can we try to get together?"

My parents said something about making a special trip for high school graduation and I was like "Yeah, no, that's not really a thing. How about you visit in the early summer to just visit?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I doubt it's about the expense. They probably don't feel comfortable doing this without you as a support person. Or they don't think they can get from train to college because they don't want to drive a rental car in an unfamiliar area.

So much of seniors' demands is them trying to work around their inability and people not wanting to see it for what it is.

They're very autonomous in all other ways: both work, both are very active and walk miles every day, go out constantly with friends. I get that the driving is really intimidating at their age and I'd never demand they drive that far, but they are demanding it from us and I don't think that's fair either. And yes, i am scared to say no because they will be pissed off.

People sometimes get pissed off when they can't get someone to do something they want. That is ok. Just ignore. It is a huge mistake to give in to this. Much better to practice being ok with their anger. They may eventually learn that being pissed off with you doesn't get them what they want. But even if they never learn, stay firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You would probably make this work if you actually liked them, right?

Tough question because I don't think people I like would necessarily demand we take this trip. They were not sweet or involved grandparents at all when ds was growing up and we don't have a great relationship partly because of that as we grew more distant throughout the years. So the idea of being in a car that long and together for two whole days of meals and activities with them, knowing they'll complain a lot, be cold and picky? Yes, that sounds pretty awful. I could deal with one day but this trip can't just be one day.

So stop coming up with other reasons and just say no.

Cannot believe you are old enough to have a kid in college and are still afraid of your in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I would start with asking if DS wants this? The answer is probably no, but on the off chance it's yes, I would try to accommodate. If no, then just say you're not planning to visit him but they can see him when he comes up.

This. This is the first question.

[Anonymous]

Why are you inserting yourself into their decision making? It’s between them, their son and their grandson. Extract yourself from it. If their son and grandson want to spend time with them, then their son can drive together with them and make a family outing of it.