Sibling Estrangement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep the door open. Send a greeting for her birthday, at the holidays, and any update on major life events even if she might have heard from elsewhere (deaths, engagements, graduations, college plans, that type of thing) Always invite (unless she's a danger to anyone), always invite to events where otherwise the entire family is invited. Keep any communication formal. Just state the details. And with greetings, "Happy Holidays" and just sign your name. Almost like you would communicate with a colleague at work or a neighbor you don't know. Leave the door open.

Why? This requires lots of effort from the person who didn't start anything. I'd do nothing. If and when the sibling is ready, let them reach out. And if not, then oh well. I'm the PP whose friend disappeared after my wedding... and also jealousy made the most sense considering everything. At the end of the day we don't know what is going on with another person, even though we thought they're a dear friend or a beloved sibling. Stalking is illegal and it's better not to continue reaching out if it's unwanted, relationships have to be mutual.

What a stretch, this is minimal effort. Basically no pressure, just letting her know you harbor no ill-will.

It's not a minimal effort and obviously there's ill-will after you're the only one who remembers. I guess you have not been in this position. I have. The only one calling, sending cards for holidays/birthdays, remembering milestones. And get nothing in return, no cards, no calls, no thank you for gifts. After a while it becomes uncomfortable. You start feeling like a fool. Then resentful for spending all this time and money and thinking of them at all.

Me me me. No wonder they don't want to have anything to do with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Younger female sibling went no contact about four years ago. Have never gotten a straight answer as to why. Relationship was fine up to that point with shared holidays and frequent contact. This happen to anyone else? Ever get an answer to why or reconnect? Seems like time is not a friend in these sorts of situations.

Maybe she doesn't want to be around people who refer to women as "females". You could have called her your sister, instead you chose this verbiage. Interesting choice that tells a lot about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Younger" sister shouldn't matter. OP, why specifically, are you saying it matters? She may be feeling inferior, or less than. She's clearly not her strongest self, her best self, the version of herself she wants to be, when you are close by.

Give her space. And make sure you treat her as your equal.

I mean they haven't spoken in 4 years so....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went zero contact with one sibling. Best choice ever. Year three.

Leave it be.

Did you ever discuss the behavior that caused you to go zero contact? Did you act like all was fine, then boom, cut them off? If so, that is extremely immature and borders on instability. However, if you let the sibling know the behavior wasn't acceptable and they continued to do it, then fine, cut them off.

This rarely happens. The other party is just so self involved they don't notice the other person ISN'T acting all fine.

There a plenty of people who are actually envious/jealous of their friends, siblings and/or even children. It's not appropriate, so when it becomes overwhelming for them, they rather cut off contact than deal with it. It can be anything. Better job, getting married, having kids, having successful kids, getting promoted, having expensive holidays... etc. It may be a combination of things and that one thing set it off.

Not really. You sound like one of the self absorbed people who don't consider others.

[Anonymous]

That's why this is important: Send a greeting for her birthday, at the holidays, and any update on major life events. With greetings, "Happy Holidays" and just sign your name. Almost like you would communicate with a colleague at work or a neighbor you don't know. Leave the door open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think sometimes siblings do and say things that they don't realize are hurtful/not acceptable/think are fine after years of the same behavior being tolerated. Then there is a moment were the person asserts themselves and cuts off contact.

The reality, a mature person would talk to the sibling, discuss, since in many cases the behavior was never intentional to harm, and frankly the person wasn't aware it was a problem. Might not even be aware that something they do is a problem for someone else.

Again, mature people talk these things out. Unfortunately, the person who is cutting ties WANTS no contact. They don't want to talk. Given that, there is nothing to do about it.

NOt always. SOmetimes people are aware of patterns and know that no matter what, the other person would not change because they are simply not capable

Agree. I had to drop a friend who would always go on about her illness (that was a well known illness that has lots of support that people really care about). She had to schedule a sign up sheet for meals and everything. Meanwhile I had something that noone cared about and I just couldn't be around her parade of empathy anymore. She never thought to reflect, "wow I get so much attention from our mutual friend group and noone checks on her". It's not like I could say that to her because she would even ask for volunteers to drop off meals or gift cards for herself. Clearly she was not in the space to think of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Younger female sibling went no contact about four years ago. Have never gotten a straight answer as to why. Relationship was fine up to that point with shared holidays and frequent contact. This happen to anyone else? Ever get an answer to why or reconnect? Seems like time is not a friend in these sorts of situations.

Weird. She never said, “I need a break from you all because of x y z?” She just ghosted off and doesn’t answer questions or explain herself? And you have no guesses why this is?

But it’s a fun power & control move to never say anything or why. Hee hee heee..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went zero contact with one sibling. Best choice ever. Year three.

Leave it be.

Did you ever discuss the behavior that caused you to go zero contact? Did you act like all was fine, then boom, cut them off? If so, that is extremely immature and borders on instability. However, if you let the sibling know the behavior wasn't acceptable and they continued to do it, then fine, cut them off.

This rarely happens. The other party is just so self involved they don't notice the other person ISN'T acting all fine.

There a plenty of people who are actually envious/jealous of their friends, siblings and/or even children. It's not appropriate, so when it becomes overwhelming for them, they rather cut off contact than deal with it. It can be anything. Better job, getting married, having kids, having successful kids, getting promoted, having expensive holidays... etc. It may be a combination of things and that one thing set it off.

Not really. You sound like one of the self absorbed people who don't consider others.

You sound like a narcissist in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep the door open. Send a greeting for her birthday, at the holidays, and any update on major life events even if she might have heard from elsewhere (deaths, engagements, graduations, college plans, that type of thing) Always invite (unless she's a danger to anyone), always invite to events where otherwise the entire family is invited. Keep any communication formal. Just state the details. And with greetings, "Happy Holidays" and just sign your name. Almost like you would communicate with a colleague at work or a neighbor you don't know. Leave the door open.

Why? This requires lots of effort from the person who didn't start anything. I'd do nothing. If and when the sibling is ready, let them reach out. And if not, then oh well. I'm the PP whose friend disappeared after my wedding... and also jealousy made the most sense considering everything. At the end of the day we don't know what is going on with another person, even though we thought they're a dear friend or a beloved sibling. Stalking is illegal and it's better not to continue reaching out if it's unwanted, relationships have to be mutual.

What a stretch, this is minimal effort. Basically no pressure, just letting her know you harbor no ill-will.

It's not a minimal effort and obviously there's ill-will after you're the only one who remembers. I guess you have not been in this position. I have. The only one calling, sending cards for holidays/birthdays, remembering milestones. And get nothing in return, no cards, no calls, no thank you for gifts. After a while it becomes uncomfortable. You start feeling like a fool. Then resentful for spending all this time and money and thinking of them at all.

Me me me. No wonder they don't want to have anything to do with you.

Really? That's what you got out of my post? That me calling, sending cards and gifts without reciprocation was about me, me me? Don't worry, I stopped

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went zero contact with one sibling. Best choice ever. Year three.

Leave it be.

Did you ever discuss the behavior that caused you to go zero contact? Did you act like all was fine, then boom, cut them off? If so, that is extremely immature and borders on instability. However, if you let the sibling know the behavior wasn't acceptable and they continued to do it, then fine, cut them off.

This rarely happens. The other party is just so self involved they don't notice the other person ISN'T acting all fine.

There a plenty of people who are actually envious/jealous of their friends, siblings and/or even children. It's not appropriate, so when it becomes overwhelming for them, they rather cut off contact than deal with it. It can be anything. Better job, getting married, having kids, having successful kids, getting promoted, having expensive holidays... etc. It may be a combination of things and that one thing set it off.

Not really. You sound like one of the self absorbed people who don't consider others.

No people consider their siblings or friends when they get a job, get promoted, get married, have kids or arrange their vacation... or God forbit, buy a house! You sound ridiculous and self-absorbed. Hey boss, I cannot accept this additional pay, because my sister didn't graduate college and is working retail! She would feel really bad about this! Or hey, I cannot get married right now, because my sister hasn't been dating for the past 5 years for longer than a month! Sorry! And kids? No kids, my sister cannot conceive, so I'll not have kids either! See how that sounds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's why this is important: Send a greeting for her birthday, at the holidays, and any update on major life events. With greetings, "Happy Holidays" and just sign your name. Almost like you would communicate with a colleague at work or a neighbor you don't know. Leave the door open.

It's been 4 years for the OP. So for how long do you think this should go on? I personally did 2 years and then stopped, because it gets old after a while.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It was not a wedding, but another significant event. I have stopped trying. There is also another half sibling where communication has stopped as well, but they were never very close. It’s been very interesting to read all the different opinions and even more so to see that I’m not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It was not a wedding, but another significant event. I have stopped trying. There is also another half sibling where communication has stopped as well, but they were never very close. It’s been very interesting to read all the different opinions and even more so to see that I’m not alone.

Stopped trying with your sister, but still seeking attention for the situation online.

Have you been assessed for NPD by your therapist?

[Anonymous]

I'm someone who thinks a card on her birthday. And at Christmas. And at times of major life event. To do whatever you can but only as long as it doesn't cause you resentment. Each person is different. I could do it and feel detached. If it causes you resentment, you stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went zero contact with one sibling. Best choice ever. Year three.

Leave it be.

Did you ever discuss the behavior that caused you to go zero contact? Did you act like all was fine, then boom, cut them off? If so, that is extremely immature and borders on instability. However, if you let the sibling know the behavior wasn't acceptable and they continued to do it, then fine, cut them off.

This rarely happens. The other party is just so self involved they don't notice the other person ISN'T acting all fine.

There a plenty of people who are actually envious/jealous of their friends, siblings and/or even children. It's not appropriate, so when it becomes overwhelming for them, they rather cut off contact than deal with it. It can be anything. Better job, getting married, having kids, having successful kids, getting promoted, having expensive holidays... etc. It may be a combination of things and that one thing set it off.

Not really. You sound like one of the self absorbed people who don't consider others.

You sound like a narcissist in denial.

Wouldn't the narcissist be the one who thinks everyone is obsessed with them and their life? Do you even know what that word means?