Sibling Estrangement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect people who go no contact with relatives who have NO clue why it is happening were encouraged to do so by some well-meaning friend or therapist who is putting their own issues into their advice and justifying and even selling it as “protecting your own mental health”
It’s a toxic practice that tends to spread from one mal-adjusted person to another because sometimes misery loves company.

No, usually there is an incident or over the years. What did op do?

Why do you assume it's something the OP did?

One of my best friends in high school had a repeated pattern of dropping people. The littlesest slight or disagreement and suddenly she perceived that person was out to get her. So I guess I should have seen it coming but I guess I thought we were different. My turn came a couple years after we were in college, she suddenly dropped me and our mutual friend with no explanation. I was really upset at the time but we found out later she did it to most of her college friends too. To this day I have no idea what I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No other siblings and parents have passed on. Have shown last contact to therapist and have dealt with it in therapy. Mentioned younger because birth order seems to matter in terms of how people deal with things. Without going into too much detail, break in contact coincided with a happy event in my life. Therapist suspected that jealously was involved.

Could be self-preservation if that is the case.

I'd characterize the relationship with one of my sisters as low-contact and surficial. We had our arguments as kids but it went both ways. It's clear in adulthood she doesn't like me and if I were to be honest we probably wouldn't be friends if we weren't family and just met somewhere randomly. What annoys me is that she tries to turn extended family members against me, it's not enough for her just to keep her distance, she doesn't want others to like me either. Whenever we do see eachother I feel like I'm walking on eggshells that I'll say the wrong thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep the door open. Send a greeting for her birthday, at the holidays, and any update on major life events even if she might have heard from elsewhere (deaths, engagements, graduations, college plans, that type of thing) Always invite (unless she's a danger to anyone), always invite to events where otherwise the entire family is invited. Keep any communication formal. Just state the details. And with greetings, "Happy Holidays" and just sign your name. Almost like you would communicate with a colleague at work or a neighbor you don't know. Leave the door open.

Why? This requires lots of effort from the person who didn't start anything. I'd do nothing. If and when the sibling is ready, let them reach out. And if not, then oh well. I'm the PP whose friend disappeared after my wedding... and also jealousy made the most sense considering everything. At the end of the day we don't know what is going on with another person, even though we thought they're a dear friend or a beloved sibling. Stalking is illegal and it's better not to continue reaching out if it's unwanted, relationships have to be mutual.

What a stretch, this is minimal effort. Basically no pressure, just letting her know you harbor no ill-will.

[Anonymous]

In all the cases of estrangement I’ve encountered there’s never been one that happened for no reason. There’s usually a reason, one that the party who is cut off dismisses or ignores as not important enough.

“Coinciding with a happy event in my life” makes me wonder how the younger sibling was treated in this happy event— my younger SIL barely exchanged three words with my older SIL in the year after her wedding because older SIL was *so awful*. Of course older SIL would say younger was “jealous” she wasn’t married yet…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In all the cases of estrangement I’ve encountered there’s never been one that happened for no reason. There’s usually a reason, one that the party who is cut off dismisses or ignores as not important enough.

“Coinciding with a happy event in my life” makes me wonder how the younger sibling was treated in this happy event— my younger SIL barely exchanged three words with my older SIL in the year after her wedding because older SIL was *so awful*. Of course older SIL would say younger was “jealous” she wasn’t married yet…

Interesting. In many cases of enstrangement I've encountered, someone thinks they are the "victim" but in reality it's never that simple, there are always two sides to every story. For example, my MIL is estranged from multiple people in her family and it's far from some simple case of everyone trating her poorly, it's more like she gets upset with someone and holds a grudge but doesn't tell them why and the other family members give up. e.g., when her sister passed away she didn't think her BIL and nephews mourned her death enough, but my understanding is that she never told them directly how she felt, she stopped talking to them.

Since we don't know the sister's side here, I'm inclined to take OP's story at face value that she doesn't know the reason and can only speculate.

[Anonymous]

OP, this isn't about family. You really don't have family. This is just one other person. Now that the parents that you shared are gone, this is just a relationship with one other person. A friend, a peer, an equal. Especially, an equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In all the cases of estrangement I’ve encountered there’s never been one that happened for no reason. There’s usually a reason, one that the party who is cut off dismisses or ignores as not important enough.

“Coinciding with a happy event in my life” makes me wonder how the younger sibling was treated in this happy event— my younger SIL barely exchanged three words with my older SIL in the year after her wedding because older SIL was *so awful*. Of course older SIL would say younger was “jealous” she wasn’t married yet…

This OP. Was it your wedding? Were you a brideszilla? Think hard back to that event because it sounds like you did something there or it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Any other family member or mutual friend you could ask?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In all the cases of estrangement I’ve encountered there’s never been one that happened for no reason. There’s usually a reason, one that the party who is cut off dismisses or ignores as not important enough.

“Coinciding with a happy event in my life” makes me wonder how the younger sibling was treated in this happy event— my younger SIL barely exchanged three words with my older SIL in the year after her wedding because older SIL was *so awful*. Of course older SIL would say younger was “jealous” she wasn’t married yet…

Disagree. There are two sides to every story, plus the actual truth. Everyone experiences things differently too. I don’t think it is ever that simple, and rarely is one person truly an innocent victim unless you are talking about sexual abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've gone no contact with my sister. With my entire family actually, but that's a bigger story, but cut my sister off first. Why? Because she is a covert narcissist who does not mean me well. She had done so many underhanded things that would seem unbelievable unless you've experienced narcissistic abuse. And when confronted she would say some version of can't you see how hard my life is, why are you being mean to me. Takes zero accountability. Needs to assert control the whole family, and uses exclusion and scapegoating to gain control. I'm the family empath who finally said enough, no more. I'm the only one in my family who is brave enough to push back and go no contact. I don't expect anyone else in my family to do the same; they're too weak and need the approval of the group to survive. I chose to save myself.

NP
Completely understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all the cases of estrangement I’ve encountered there’s never been one that happened for no reason. There’s usually a reason, one that the party who is cut off dismisses or ignores as not important enough.

“Coinciding with a happy event in my life” makes me wonder how the younger sibling was treated in this happy event— my younger SIL barely exchanged three words with my older SIL in the year after her wedding because older SIL was *so awful*. Of course older SIL would say younger was “jealous” she wasn’t married yet…

Disagree. There are two sides to every story, plus the actual truth. Everyone experiences things differently too. I don’t think it is ever that simple, and rarely is one person truly an innocent victim unless you are talking about sexual abuse.

But aren't you contradicting yourself? If everyone experiences things differently, then what is the "truth" is not always clear cut. My mom and her sister are always weird and petty with eachother, including some periods of no contact, and it's gotten worse over time now that myself and my cousins are grown. I guess you could say the truth is that it stems from my grandmother pitting them against eachother in childhood, but IMO the other truth is that they are grown adults who would both benefit from some therapy and anxiety meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've gone no contact with my sister. With my entire family actually, but that's a bigger story, but cut my sister off first. Why? Because she is a covert narcissist who does not mean me well. She had done so many underhanded things that would seem unbelievable unless you've experienced narcissistic abuse. And when confronted she would say some version of can't you see how hard my life is, why are you being mean to me. Takes zero accountability. Needs to assert control the whole family, and uses exclusion and scapegoating to gain control. I'm the family empath who finally said enough, no more. I'm the only one in my family who is brave enough to push back and go no contact. I don't expect anyone else in my family to do the same; they're too weak and need the approval of the group to survive. I chose to save myself.

Can you share more of your experience with how you went about this? My sister is a narcissist who won't take any responsibility for her life and I'm tired of her treating me poorly. But how do you get a narcissist to respect no-contact boundaries? Did she try to engage with you? I'm worried mine will want an explanation when what I really want is her to leave me alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went zero contact with one sibling. Best choice ever. Year three.

Leave it be.

Did you ever discuss the behavior that caused you to go zero contact? Did you act like all was fine, then boom, cut them off? If so, that is extremely immature and borders on instability. However, if you let the sibling know the behavior wasn't acceptable and they continued to do it, then fine, cut them off.

This rarely happens. The other party is just so self involved they don't notice the other person ISN'T acting all fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep the door open. Send a greeting for her birthday, at the holidays, and any update on major life events even if she might have heard from elsewhere (deaths, engagements, graduations, college plans, that type of thing) Always invite (unless she's a danger to anyone), always invite to events where otherwise the entire family is invited. Keep any communication formal. Just state the details. And with greetings, "Happy Holidays" and just sign your name. Almost like you would communicate with a colleague at work or a neighbor you don't know. Leave the door open.

Why? This requires lots of effort from the person who didn't start anything. I'd do nothing. If and when the sibling is ready, let them reach out. And if not, then oh well. I'm the PP whose friend disappeared after my wedding... and also jealousy made the most sense considering everything. At the end of the day we don't know what is going on with another person, even though we thought they're a dear friend or a beloved sibling. Stalking is illegal and it's better not to continue reaching out if it's unwanted, relationships have to be mutual.

What a stretch, this is minimal effort. Basically no pressure, just letting her know you harbor no ill-will.

It's not a minimal effort and obviously there's ill-will after you're the only one who remembers. I guess you have not been in this position. I have. The only one calling, sending cards for holidays/birthdays, remembering milestones. And get nothing in return, no cards, no calls, no thank you for gifts. After a while it becomes uncomfortable. You start feeling like a fool. Then resentful for spending all this time and money and thinking of them at all.

[Anonymous]

"Younger" sister shouldn't matter. OP, why specifically, are you saying it matters? She may be feeling inferior, or less than. She's clearly not her strongest self, her best self, the version of herself she wants to be, when you are close by.

Give her space. And make sure you treat her as your equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went zero contact with one sibling. Best choice ever. Year three.

Leave it be.

Did you ever discuss the behavior that caused you to go zero contact? Did you act like all was fine, then boom, cut them off? If so, that is extremely immature and borders on instability. However, if you let the sibling know the behavior wasn't acceptable and they continued to do it, then fine, cut them off.

This rarely happens. The other party is just so self involved they don't notice the other person ISN'T acting all fine.

There a plenty of people who are actually envious/jealous of their friends, siblings and/or even children. It's not appropriate, so when it becomes overwhelming for them, they rather cut off contact than deal with it. It can be anything. Better job, getting married, having kids, having successful kids, getting promoted, having expensive holidays... etc. It may be a combination of things and that one thing set it off.