Sibling Estrangement

[Anonymous]

What did you do to her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sibling was always talking about herself. She would often resort to therapy language to justify her behavior. I humored it for years because she was younger but after I had kids I just had no more time for the BS.
Other things happened which exacerbated the thoughtlessness. Like visiting but treating my place like a hotel while she spent most of the days with her friends. The big kicker was engineering a partition lawsuit. Her excuse was that it wasn't about ME, it was about the property and that's why I shouldn't take it personally. Like it said, therapy talk BS.

What is your point? I'm not disagreeing with you, I just don't understand what point you're trying to make since you aren't quoting another post.

My point is that the one being cut off is perhaps oblivious to their own self absorbed behavior that continued to develop unabated until it became harmful to their own family members.
That is when cutoff for self preservation occurs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she’s depressed. Don’t take it personally.

This plus underlying mental orders.

Maybe people tried to get her help many times and she rejected that and them.

[Anonymous]

Alternatively someone had a pattern of treating her better badly and she’s done. But usually better to bring that up and then disappear or give people a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are fast becoming a society of self absorbed narcissists. And I blame it on the boomers and older gen X who gave everyone a participation trophy.

That’s dumb.

Blame it on the younger snowflake generation who can handle any level of life discourse nor talk/listen about it directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think sometimes siblings do and say things that they don't realize are hurtful/not acceptable/think are fine after years of the same behavior being tolerated. Then there is a moment were the person asserts themselves and cuts off contact.

The reality, a mature person would talk to the sibling, discuss, since in many cases the behavior was never intentional to harm, and frankly the person wasn't aware it was a problem. Might not even be aware that something they do is a problem for someone else.

Again, mature people talk these things out. Unfortunately, the person who is cutting ties WANTS no contact. They don't want to talk. Given that, there is nothing to do about it.

This. My spouse had this experience with their sibling. Got along great as adults, but sibling really struggled in keep a job and never left home, while my spouse was very successful in life professionally and personally. One day sibling said where I am in life is all your fault, and because of bullying as kids. Wouldn’t give any examples or discuss; just said they know what’s true. That was it. They haven’t spoken in years. It’s weird because my spouse nor the family remember real bullying but everyone experiences things differently. It’s sad because they were so close, and sibling wouldn’t even attempt to talk it out.

This stuff happens OP. It’s sad. In my spouses case, the sibling is very mentally ill. In their 40s, hasn’t worked in years, really emeshed with their mother like they are a couple.

+1

Maladaptive cope: blame your consistent and ongoing failures on someone else

The immature final coup de grâce can be cutting contact with them after your final made up accusation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are fast becoming a society of self absorbed narcissists. And I blame it on the boomers and older gen X who gave everyone a participation trophy.

That’s dumb.

Blame it on the younger snowflake generation who can handle any level of life discourse nor talk/listen about it directly.

boomers did not give participation trophies. We had kids repeat grades who could not do the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think sometimes siblings do and say things that they don't realize are hurtful/not acceptable/think are fine after years of the same behavior being tolerated. Then there is a moment were the person asserts themselves and cuts off contact.

The reality, a mature person would talk to the sibling, discuss, since in many cases the behavior was never intentional to harm, and frankly the person wasn't aware it was a problem. Might not even be aware that something they do is a problem for someone else.

Again, mature people talk these things out. Unfortunately, the person who is cutting ties WANTS no contact. They don't want to talk. Given that, there is nothing to do about it.

I meant to add that that person who cuts off a sibling without a conversation is immature or emotionally unstable.

I disagree if you are dealing with a cluster B personality. They will just gaslight you, lie, and bring up unrelated topics while blaming you.

I went low contact and feel calmer and less anxious. When our last parent dies, I’ll be zero contact.

[Anonymous]

I suspect people who go no contact with relatives who have NO clue why it is happening were encouraged to do so by some well-meaning friend or therapist who is putting their own issues into their advice and justifying and even selling it as “protecting your own mental health”
It’s a toxic practice that tends to spread from one mal-adjusted person to another because sometimes misery loves company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect people who go no contact with relatives who have NO clue why it is happening were encouraged to do so by some well-meaning friend or therapist who is putting their own issues into their advice and justifying and even selling it as “protecting your own mental health”
It’s a toxic practice that tends to spread from one mal-adjusted person to another because sometimes misery loves company.

No, usually there is an incident or over the years. What did op do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Younger female sibling went no contact about four years ago. Have never gotten a straight answer as to why. Relationship was fine up to that point with shared holidays and frequent contact. This happen to anyone else? Ever get an answer to why or reconnect? Seems like time is not a friend in these sorts of situations.

I am that sibling that went no contact.

nothing positive would come out of a discussion on why with my brother and sister.

when both of my children said they didn't want to be around these people, something clicked.

[Anonymous]

My twin sister and I are early fifties and have gone no contact for several years at a time a few times in our adulthood. The twin who was cut off has always kept the door open and checked in via email or now, text, every year or so until both of us are in an emotionally ready place where contact is reestablished. The first time we didn't speak was seven years, the latest was for about three years. We communicate via text mostly now and I visit her about every six months for a few hours with my kids. It works for us anyway. But we've never explored very deeply the reasons for no contact. We just move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went zero contact with one sibling. Best choice ever. Year three.

Leave it be.

Did you ever discuss the behavior that caused you to go zero contact? Did you act like all was fine, then boom, cut them off? If so, that is extremely immature and borders on instability. However, if you let the sibling know the behavior wasn't acceptable and they continued to do it, then fine, cut them off.

What you’re describing is rare in family situations, especially among adults. More commonly (as with divorce), it’s death by a thousand cuts to the relationship. It’s not uncommon that the person feeling cut off knowingly refused to budge on important issues, or consistently failed to be kind. Abuse and personality disorders are also not uncommon, and it can take people deep into adulthood to work through their feelings and build a more peaceful life, with healthier boundaries. Sometimes the family of origin dynamics don’t support that change. If you care about someone who is low or no contact, leave the door open. Even better, work on yourself in the meantime.

OP’s use of “female sibling” and other ways of describing their relationship aren’t exactly warm or insightful. Maybe their sister will come around, maybe not. The best thing OP can do is work on building their own EQ.

[Anonymous]

How old are you both, OP? Are your lifestyles similar? I haven’t gone no-contact, but I rarely speak to my older sister just because our lives seem very different and we don’t seem to care about the same things. Maybe two phone calls a year in which we exchange nicetiees, but never anything too deep. (Which honestly goes back to childhood issues. I never felt I could trust her as a confidant. She told our mom everything.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are fast becoming a society of self absorbed narcissists. And I blame it on the boomers and older gen X who gave everyone a participation trophy.

That’s dumb.

Blame it on the younger snowflake generation who can handle any level of life discourse nor talk/listen about it directly.

boomers did not give participation trophies. We had kids repeat grades who could not do the work.

You both are in agreement then. Current kids are soft and play the victim. Those aren’t the boomer’s direct kids.