Sibling Estrangement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a family member fades out and goes no contact, it's speaking a very loud truth to the family member(s). Nobody does this on a whim, nobody wakes up and wedges going no contact with family between a grocery run and a manicure. It is a very long, deliberative process over many years (decades, even) where the family member(s) are offering many chances to change their behavior, admit past wrongdoings, and become better, kinder people. But they do not, they continue in the same, old patterns that become intolerable. The person who goes no contact was treated badly for decades and when she complained about this treatment was told to be the bigger person. But there comes a day when you stop trying to be the bigger person and it's better for you to move on and go no contact. There isn't an explanation as to why forthcoming because the family member going no contact knows these family members will never change. Any explanation is wasted breath.

Also disagree. Estrangement from parents is usually long-winded and indeed, the adult child usually tries to "talk" about the past to get at least validation, as their attachment to parents is different from other relationships. In case of siblings and friends though, estrangement can come out of the blue and without any previous discussion whatsoever. A sibling/friend just cannot take it at some point and disappears, especially if you live far from each other and are not in contact all the time as happens with adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a family member fades out and goes no contact, it's speaking a very loud truth to the family member(s). Nobody does this on a whim, nobody wakes up and wedges going no contact with family between a grocery run and a manicure. It is a very long, deliberative process over many years (decades, even) where the family member(s) are offering many chances to change their behavior, admit past wrongdoings, and become better, kinder people. But they do not, they continue in the same, old patterns that become intolerable. The person who goes no contact was treated badly for decades and when she complained about this treatment was told to be the bigger person. But there comes a day when you stop trying to be the bigger person and it's better for you to move on and go no contact. There isn't an explanation as to why forthcoming because the family member going no contact knows these family members will never change. Any explanation is wasted breath.

Disagree with the part where multiple chances are offered to change. In the sibling estrangement in my family, nothing was ever talked about or warned to the other sibling about their behavior. Siblings were fairly close for almost two decades in adulthood, then all of a sudden one sibling decided to blame the other for all their mental health issues and inability to function as an adult. Said it stemmed from sibling bullying in childhood/teen years. I have no clue what really went on between these two siblings back then, but there certainly was no warning about it happening and no specific examples cited or opportunity for the accused sibling to even admit they did anything or be willing to change. It was just a letter they no longer wanted to be in contact bc of childhood bullying. I’m not taking sides on the issue, just saying it can be sprung on someone with really no warning at all.

I mean, of course the bully knew! They're just lying to you or in their eyes bullying is normal behavior, which of course it's not. The sibling who left probably had deep-rooted trauma that resurfaced and they needed to get away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a family member fades out and goes no contact, it's speaking a very loud truth to the family member(s). Nobody does this on a whim, nobody wakes up and wedges going no contact with family between a grocery run and a manicure. It is a very long, deliberative process over many years (decades, even) where the family member(s) are offering many chances to change their behavior, admit past wrongdoings, and become better, kinder people. But they do not, they continue in the same, old patterns that become intolerable. The person who goes no contact was treated badly for decades and when she complained about this treatment was told to be the bigger person. But there comes a day when you stop trying to be the bigger person and it's better for you to move on and go no contact. There isn't an explanation as to why forthcoming because the family member going no contact knows these family members will never change. Any explanation is wasted breath.

All of this.
Are you me?
Currently no contact w a parent and sibling.. and your post absolutely resonates w me.

Thank You.

[Anonymous]

Some people use withdrawal as a weapon. And as a means of sick, manipulative control.

This is the case with my sibling. An awful person who browbeat or denigrated anyone who dared to disagree with her or her opinion. You have different perspective than her? Well, "you're an idiot." Said loudly, often and with furor.

Make a decision about your own household or kids she didn't agree with? Then it's, "Knowing your DH as I do, I don't think he'd approve of that. Your decision is just stupid." Like she was more knowledgeable about my own DH than she was. Then she'd go behind my back and talk to him about the issue trying to get him to take her side and manipulate everyone towards a conflict.

If you didn't capitulate to her whims or pushed back, her immediate reaction was to cut you off without any further discussion.

She went 7 years without speaking to our mother and would actually walk by her on the street and ignore her. Wound up doing this to every single one of our immediate family members at some point. Every. Single. One.

Last time she pulled it on me, I realized how much better our lives were without her in it. It's been years now and I have zero interest in ever reconciling.

Oh, and she has a penchant for having sick affairs with other people's husbands and/or widowers. She had an affair with one of my parents' friends (40 years older than her) after his wife died. She was bragging to everyone he was thinking of putting her in his will.

She is fully blocked and I've advised family members to only inform me about her if she dies. Because she is essentially dead to me now, I only want confirmation.

There are nasty, evil people in the world. You may have the misfortune of having one as your sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a family member fades out and goes no contact, it's speaking a very loud truth to the family member(s). Nobody does this on a whim, nobody wakes up and wedges going no contact with family between a grocery run and a manicure. It is a very long, deliberative process over many years (decades, even) where the family member(s) are offering many chances to change their behavior, admit past wrongdoings, and become better, kinder people. But they do not, they continue in the same, old patterns that become intolerable. The person who goes no contact was treated badly for decades and when she complained about this treatment was told to be the bigger person. But there comes a day when you stop trying to be the bigger person and it's better for you to move on and go no contact. There isn't an explanation as to why forthcoming because the family member going no contact knows these family members will never change. Any explanation is wasted breath.

Disagree with the part where multiple chances are offered to change. In the sibling estrangement in my family, nothing was ever talked about or warned to the other sibling about their behavior. Siblings were fairly close for almost two decades in adulthood, then all of a sudden one sibling decided to blame the other for all their mental health issues and inability to function as an adult. Said it stemmed from sibling bullying in childhood/teen years. I have no clue what really went on between these two siblings back then, but there certainly was no warning about it happening and no specific examples cited or opportunity for the accused sibling to even admit they did anything or be willing to change. It was just a letter they no longer wanted to be in contact bc of childhood bullying. I’m not taking sides on the issue, just saying it can be sprung on someone with really no warning at all.

I mean, of course the bully knew! They're just lying to you or in their eyes bullying is normal behavior, which of course it's not. The sibling who left probably had deep-rooted trauma that resurfaced and they needed to get away.

l

I’d also wonder about what the parent’s role was in all this. Were they cut off too for allowing this sibling dynamic to occur for years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect people who go no contact with relatives who have NO clue why it is happening were encouraged to do so by some well-meaning friend or therapist who is putting their own issues into their advice and justifying and even selling it as “protecting your own mental health”
It’s a toxic practice that tends to spread from one mal-adjusted person to another because sometimes misery loves company.

This is all over DCUM. It's bizarre how many people think cutting people off -- friends or family -- is a good solution to difficulty. Estrangement is for really, really bad things.

Estrangement is the "popular" thing to deploy nowadays.

Agree, it’s being misused by misguided immature people looking for an easy way out.

In those cases it’s stonewalling instead of conflict resolution.

It’s like my 12 yo this AM not giving her sister what she had asked for and then throwing it in her face. 12 yo got in trouble, tried to stonewall and deflect and blame it on her father, who ordered her to hand it over.

Round and round they go: no one is mature enough to be accountable for their own actions.

You're an idiot if you think cutting off family is easy or an "easy way out". Most of us by the time we hit our 20s have already spent a lot of time and effort trying to work things out with the dysfunctional people. You get to a point when you can identify those people who are never going to grow, be honest, and seriously work on the relationship. Plenty of you refuse to admit the awful things you've done. The people that love drama and mess usually never admit to anything they've done and never really try to change. If you grew up in a family where siblings were scapegoated, you're unlikely to ever treat those siblings as equals. No one should tolerate people who treat them as less than. Those of you posting this nonsense probably are not very honest about yourselves and your part in any misunderstandings. Most of you posting this mess probably just hate not having the punching bag around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t do that at work. Just blame someone else for your own behaviors. Just fired a guy who hemmed and hawed his way out of a senior job at age 46.
Helped that HR had 20 pages of examples of him not doing what he was supposed to be doing.
He never saw that, but given the opportunity to speak on the themes, he tried to blame the new senior hire in an entirely different function!

What the hell does this have to do with anything? Brain worm? Did you even go to college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually these conflicts are not a one off incident, it’s a lifelong pattern and your siblings doesn’t want to interact with you because of your pattern of behavior. Consider the big picture.

Autistic people estrange themselves all the time under the guise that no one understands them and everyone dislikes them.

Self perception and re-writing narratives is everything to some people who deflect from responsibility and accountability.

They also never look back. They’re too self centered to wonder what happened or why or whatever. Everything is black and white; they are always correct; everyone else is crazy.

I'm so sick of this ignorant drivel by uneducated fools who think they understand autism. You are an ignorant fool and you don't know the first thing. Your generalizations are mind numbingly dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maladaptive copes like that are very real to the mentally disordered. No use trying to talk or reason eith them.

Your post is so telling. Copes? What? The last sentence says it all. You don't emphasize listening or understanding at all. You are probably an overbearing know it all so you think the appropriate way to deal with an estranged sibling is for you to talk at them and tell them how it is and how it will be. Your post says everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are fast becoming a society of self absorbed narcissists. And I blame it on the boomers and older gen X who gave everyone a participation trophy.

You sound self-absorbed.

In my case, my exhusband was rich and also wanted to move away from my family. Financial abuse and isolation. Manipulated the family into believing his side of things, started a smear campaign full of lies (magically left out the fact he wanted to sleep with men and have me watch), and my family fell for it all. Money talks. I went no contact with my family. Boomers are to blame, they care more about money and appearances than having their daughter safe happy and healthy.

[Anonymous]

Brooklyn Beckham just cut off his 3 siblings plus his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Brooklyn Beckham just cut off his 3 siblings plus his parents.

BC his wife is richer than his parents and his mother is controlling ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a family member fades out and goes no contact, it's speaking a very loud truth to the family member(s). Nobody does this on a whim, nobody wakes up and wedges going no contact with family between a grocery run and a manicure. It is a very long, deliberative process over many years (decades, even) where the family member(s) are offering many chances to change their behavior, admit past wrongdoings, and become better, kinder people. But they do not, they continue in the same, old patterns that become intolerable. The person who goes no contact was treated badly for decades and when she complained about this treatment was told to be the bigger person. But there comes a day when you stop trying to be the bigger person and it's better for you to move on and go no contact. There isn't an explanation as to why forthcoming because the family member going no contact knows these family members will never change. Any explanation is wasted breath.

Sometimes it happens exactly as you describe.

And sometimes it happens bc the person seeking estrangement has their own issues.

No one has any idea which is true in this case or in the majority of cases.

Nevertheless, DCUM will spend thousands of words speculating, judging, and projecting. I think I’ll estrange myself from this site.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a family member fades out and goes no contact, it's speaking a very loud truth to the family member(s). Nobody does this on a whim, nobody wakes up and wedges going no contact with family between a grocery run and a manicure. It is a very long, deliberative process over many years (decades, even) where the family member(s) are offering many chances to change their behavior, admit past wrongdoings, and become better, kinder people. But they do not, they continue in the same, old patterns that become intolerable. The person who goes no contact was treated badly for decades and when she complained about this treatment was told to be the bigger person. But there comes a day when you stop trying to be the bigger person and it's better for you to move on and go no contact. There isn't an explanation as to why forthcoming because the family member going no contact knows these family members will never change. Any explanation is wasted breath.

Sometimes it happens exactly as you describe.

And sometimes it happens bc the person seeking estrangement has their own issues.

No one has any idea which is true in this case or in the majority of cases.

Nevertheless, DCUM will spend thousands of words speculating, judging, and projecting. I think I’ll estrange myself from this site.

+1. Well said. And I agree, threads like this make me think twice before posting a question of my own, because inevitably the judgemental projecting posters show up and will not tolerate any viewpoints other than their own. It's toxic.

[Anonymous]

If you don't like how someone treated you as a child and they are unapologetic, as an adult you can stop having a relationship with them. It is self preservation. Steer clear of bad relationships of all kinds even if you share DNA.