"Normal" reaction to loss of parent, what is typical?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get ready for the displaced anger, acting out by drinking more, ramped up porn addiction, and other ways in which men express grief because they're too weak to face sadness.

Whatever you're thinking, it isn't healthy. Your parents dying in old age shouldn't be emotionally traumatizing.

That is really weird. I grieved my 91 year old grandmother, too. It doesn’t have to be TRAUMA to be grief. Grief is a normal part of living and loving. But many men don’t know how to grieve or don’t let themselves feel anything but anger so yeah, the grief gets displaced in other directions.

It IS normal to grieve the deaths of any loved ones at any age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get ready for the displaced anger, acting out by drinking more, ramped up porn addiction, and other ways in which men express grief because they're too weak to face sadness.

Whatever you're thinking, it isn't healthy. Your parents dying in old age shouldn't be emotionally traumatizing.

The way men deal with grief is invariably unhealthy.

There shouldn't be much grief to deal with when y9ut parents die. Surely you're not expecting them to live forever. You knew they were/are very likely to die in your lifetime, possibily with some warning when you get to the final years.

Why would you wait to accept death until after it happens? That seems invariably unhealthy.

That is absolutely bizarre. I am from a culture that does pretty well with death rituals and incorporating death into life. We all know we are going to die and our loved ones may die before us.

But we still grieve the losses when they happen. There is still a ln absence in your life where that person used to be. Maybe if they weren’t an important person in your life or you won’t miss them much or you had a superficial yet uncomplicated relationship, you wouldn’t grieve much. But most people grieve the death of a loved one no matter what their age, if their presence was important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more abnormal when an old (like 85+) person dies of natural causes and their child acts like it is the shock of the century. Did you think they would live to be 100+?

Exactly. You should be be prepared for your parents' deaths by the time they're 60. A heart attack could come along and take them away in an instant.

Why do so many people have such unnatural and unhealthy attitudes towards death?

You post s**t like this on every thread. 60 is not “old” nowadays, but regardless, there’s nothing psychological about being shocked or devastated when people die at 60. My kids will be in their twenties when I’m 60.

And while I agree that it’s not shocking when a parent in their 80s dies, it can still cause very deep grief. But there’s no right or wrong way to experience it.

60 is old. Not old enough you should be surprised if they don't die, but old enough you shouldn't be surprised if they do. If a 60yo dying hits you that hard, you've failed in your preparations. People in their 20s don't need their parents anymore. It actually removes a lot of the potential burden of elderly caregiving, leading to a happier life overall.

Does anyone else feel like we have a frequently commenting sociopath in our midst? Or someone with a personality disorder? So many of these comments are SO off.

Emotionally healthy people in their 20ms can love who they love and have significant and meaningful, deeply felt relationships, including with their parents. In fact, the 20s are often a rich time of reconnection and bonding with parents as adults, after the typical disconnection in teenage years. Deeply grieving the loss of a parent in your 20’s is not typically about need (as in I need my Mommy to cook for me) but because it is a deeply felt, loving relationship that is an important part of a healthy adult’s life.

This commenter seems to live a very cold, hollow one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more abnormal when an old (like 85+) person dies of natural causes and their child acts like it is the shock of the century. Did you think they would live to be 100+?

Exactly. You should be be prepared for your parents' deaths by the time they're 60. A heart attack could come along and take them away in an instant.

Why do so many people have such unnatural and unhealthy attitudes towards death?

You post s**t like this on every thread. 60 is not “old” nowadays, but regardless, there’s nothing psychological about being shocked or devastated when people die at 60. My kids will be in their twenties when I’m 60.

And while I agree that it’s not shocking when a parent in their 80s dies, it can still cause very deep grief. But there’s no right or wrong way to experience it.

60 is old. Not old enough you should be surprised if they don't die, but old enough you shouldn't be surprised if they do. If a 60yo dying hits you that hard, you've failed in your preparations. People in their 20s don't need their parents anymore. It actually removes a lot of the potential burden of elderly caregiving, leading to a happier life overall.

Does anyone else feel like we have a frequently commenting sociopath in our midst? Or someone with a personality disorder? So many of these comments are SO off.

Emotionally healthy people in their 20ms can love who they love and have significant and meaningful, deeply felt relationships, including with their parents. In fact, the 20s are often a rich time of reconnection and bonding with parents as adults, after the typical disconnection in teenage years. Deeply grieving the loss of a parent in your 20’s is not typically about need (as in I need my Mommy to cook for me) but because it is a deeply felt, loving relationship that is an important part of a healthy adult’s life.

This commenter seems to live a very cold, hollow one.

There's no reason to put off the acceptance of death until after someone dies! This isn't that complicated. You need to start acting like an adult. Someday it will be your turn to die. Are you going to leave your kids woefully unprepared?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more abnormal when an old (like 85+) person dies of natural causes and their child acts like it is the shock of the century. Did you think they would live to be 100+?

Exactly. You should be be prepared for your parents' deaths by the time they're 60. A heart attack could come along and take them away in an instant.

Why do so many people have such unnatural and unhealthy attitudes towards death?

You post s**t like this on every thread. 60 is not “old” nowadays, but regardless, there’s nothing psychological about being shocked or devastated when people die at 60. My kids will be in their twenties when I’m 60.

And while I agree that it’s not shocking when a parent in their 80s dies, it can still cause very deep grief. But there’s no right or wrong way to experience it.

60 is old. Not old enough you should be surprised if they don't die, but old enough you shouldn't be surprised if they do. If a 60yo dying hits you that hard, you've failed in your preparations. People in their 20s don't need their parents anymore. It actually removes a lot of the potential burden of elderly caregiving, leading to a happier life overall.

My MIL was 63 and her doctor had said she was one of the healthiest patients he had. She swam every day. Then she was diagnosed with a glioblastoma, There's no warning, no lifestyle risk factors, just a cruel, always fatal tumor that takes away the things that make someone them before it kills them.

So yeah, it's going to hit hard to watch your healthy mom suddenly start losing her memory, her speech, and her ability to control her body. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more abnormal when an old (like 85+) person dies of natural causes and their child acts like it is the shock of the century. Did you think they would live to be 100+?

Exactly. You should be be prepared for your parents' deaths by the time they're 60. A heart attack could come along and take them away in an instant.

Why do so many people have such unnatural and unhealthy attitudes towards death?

You post s**t like this on every thread. 60 is not “old” nowadays, but regardless, there’s nothing psychological about being shocked or devastated when people die at 60. My kids will be in their twenties when I’m 60.

And while I agree that it’s not shocking when a parent in their 80s dies, it can still cause very deep grief. But there’s no right or wrong way to experience it.

60 is old. Not old enough you should be surprised if they don't die, but old enough you shouldn't be surprised if they do. If a 60yo dying hits you that hard, you've failed in your preparations. People in their 20s don't need their parents anymore. It actually removes a lot of the potential burden of elderly caregiving, leading to a happier life overall.

My MIL was 63 and her doctor had said she was one of the healthiest patients he had. She swam every day. Then she was diagnosed with a glioblastoma, There's no warning, no lifestyle risk factors, just a cruel, always fatal tumor that takes away the things that make someone them before it kills them.

So yeah, it's going to hit hard to watch your healthy mom suddenly start losing her memory, her speech, and her ability to control her body. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Well, don't even get me started about the US's backward practices on medical assistance in dying. It is good that it is starting to become an option in some places, but the process is still far too slow and difficult. You should be able to set it up as part of a living will in advance of a diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more abnormal when an old (like 85+) person dies of natural causes and their child acts like it is the shock of the century. Did you think they would live to be 100+?

Exactly. You should be be prepared for your parents' deaths by the time they're 60. A heart attack could come along and take them away in an instant.

Why do so many people have such unnatural and unhealthy attitudes towards death?

You post s**t like this on every thread. 60 is not “old” nowadays, but regardless, there’s nothing psychological about being shocked or devastated when people die at 60. My kids will be in their twenties when I’m 60.

And while I agree that it’s not shocking when a parent in their 80s dies, it can still cause very deep grief. But there’s no right or wrong way to experience it.

60 is old. Not old enough you should be surprised if they don't die, but old enough you shouldn't be surprised if they do. If a 60yo dying hits you that hard, you've failed in your preparations. People in their 20s don't need their parents anymore. It actually removes a lot of the potential burden of elderly caregiving, leading to a happier life overall.

My MIL was 63 and her doctor had said she was one of the healthiest patients he had. She swam every day. Then she was diagnosed with a glioblastoma, There's no warning, no lifestyle risk factors, just a cruel, always fatal tumor that takes away the things that make someone them before it kills them.

So yeah, it's going to hit hard to watch your healthy mom suddenly start losing her memory, her speech, and her ability to control her body. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Well, don't even get me started about the US's backward practices on medical assistance in dying. It is good that it is starting to become an option in some places, but the process is still far too slow and difficult. You should be able to set it up as part of a living will in advance of a diagnosis.

Absolutely. If I get the same diagnosis, I'm moving to a state with MAID. The problem is even under those states the timing is tricky. You have to be able to self administer so you can't wait too long. But of course no one wants to go out prematurely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more abnormal when an old (like 85+) person dies of natural causes and their child acts like it is the shock of the century. Did you think they would live to be 100+?

Exactly. You should be be prepared for your parents' deaths by the time they're 60. A heart attack could come along and take them away in an instant.

Why do so many people have such unnatural and unhealthy attitudes towards death?

You post s**t like this on every thread. 60 is not “old” nowadays, but regardless, there’s nothing psychological about being shocked or devastated when people die at 60. My kids will be in their twenties when I’m 60.

And while I agree that it’s not shocking when a parent in their 80s dies, it can still cause very deep grief. But there’s no right or wrong way to experience it.

60 is old. Not old enough you should be surprised if they don't die, but old enough you shouldn't be surprised if they do. If a 60yo dying hits you that hard, you've failed in your preparations. People in their 20s don't need their parents anymore. It actually removes a lot of the potential burden of elderly caregiving, leading to a happier life overall.

My MIL was 63 and her doctor had said she was one of the healthiest patients he had. She swam every day. Then she was diagnosed with a glioblastoma, There's no warning, no lifestyle risk factors, just a cruel, always fatal tumor that takes away the things that make someone them before it kills them.

So yeah, it's going to hit hard to watch your healthy mom suddenly start losing her memory, her speech, and her ability to control her body. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Well, don't even get me started about the US's backward practices on medical assistance in dying. It is good that it is starting to become an option in some places, but the process is still far too slow and difficult. You should be able to set it up as part of a living will in advance of a diagnosis.

Absolutely. If I get the same diagnosis, I'm moving to a state with MAID. The problem is even under those states the timing is tricky. You have to be able to self administer so you can't wait too long. But of course no one wants to go out prematurely.

I'll take too soon over too late in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more abnormal when an old (like 85+) person dies of natural causes and their child acts like it is the shock of the century. Did you think they would live to be 100+?

Exactly. You should be be prepared for your parents' deaths by the time they're 60. A heart attack could come along and take them away in an instant.

Why do so many people have such unnatural and unhealthy attitudes towards death?

You post s**t like this on every thread. 60 is not “old” nowadays, but regardless, there’s nothing psychological about being shocked or devastated when people die at 60. My kids will be in their twenties when I’m 60.

And while I agree that it’s not shocking when a parent in their 80s dies, it can still cause very deep grief. But there’s no right or wrong way to experience it.

60 is old. Not old enough you should be surprised if they don't die, but old enough you shouldn't be surprised if they do. If a 60yo dying hits you that hard, you've failed in your preparations. People in their 20s don't need their parents anymore. It actually removes a lot of the potential burden of elderly caregiving, leading to a happier life overall.

Does anyone else feel like we have a frequently commenting sociopath in our midst? Or someone with a personality disorder? So many of these comments are SO off.

Emotionally healthy people in their 20ms can love who they love and have significant and meaningful, deeply felt relationships, including with their parents. In fact, the 20s are often a rich time of reconnection and bonding with parents as adults, after the typical disconnection in teenage years. Deeply grieving the loss of a parent in your 20’s is not typically about need (as in I need my Mommy to cook for me) but because it is a deeply felt, loving relationship that is an important part of a healthy adult’s life.

This commenter seems to live a very cold, hollow one.

Yeah this site these days...just not worth weeding through all the garbage posts anymore. They're going to be left talking crazy amung themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly watching the decline and the person you love get consumed by something like cancer is worse than the actual death.

This. By the end I was praying to God to take my Dad out of his misery.

Same. About two weeks before he died, my father started talking about stopping eating so it would be over soon. I knew that he’s had enough, and wanted to go. Oh, how I wished he had the option to do it on his terms.

[Anonymous]

It can be normal, but assume that it will likely pop up at certain points like Mother's Day or the holidays or their birthday. The first year of holidays will be sad.

My mom died young after a drawn-out illness and we started grieving as she lost various abilities. So by the time she actually passed, a lot of our grieving was already done. And I had a lot of things that needed to be done and couldn't wait for my grief. I just had to hold it together. Your husband might be similar.

[Anonymous]

I am not a Dr. at all, but from what I have read ➕ seen is that everyone reacts to personal grief in their own, unique manner.

In other words, what one person does may totally differ from how another one reacts.

Grief is such a complicated emotion thus people tend to deal with it in a multitude of ways.

[Anonymous]

My DH cried for a couple of days after the death of his parent, pulled himself up by the bootstraps and went back to work immediately (even taking a work trip between death + the funeral which was a week later). It was odd. But the gloominess never went away. He began working way too much, up too late at night working, traveling, cranky, disconnected, a little too much drinking, etc. It resulted in some pretty tough times in our marriage, and ultimately a culminating event a year later. After this culminating event, he began therapy, set up healthier boundaries with work, and realized he never really dealt with the loss. I'm not sure there's much you can do other than be there for him and keep your eyes out for avoidant behavior. I'm sorry for your loss!

[Anonymous]

My dad was old, but it was a suicide. So I basically was completely traumatized and had chest pain for months. I think when my mom and stepparents die I will be fine.

[Anonymous]

My dh didn’t show any emotion and by 3rd day seemed somewhat normal.

Me on the other hands… took months.

Every men and every women are different..