"Normal" reaction to loss of parent, what is typical?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate using the word normal so maybe typical is better what is a typical emotional response to the loss of a parent? My spouse lost their dad and they cried and were upset a few day but then went back to normal. Like it didn't happen. Would you say that's a typical emotional response? Or are they not dealing with it?

LOL my mother in law died this year as did my mother.

I wasn't sad at all. Finally relief

I know that sounds callous but if you lived in my shoes you would understand why I feel this way.

Do not judge how someone else grieves.

[Anonymous]

My mom died completely unexpectedly when she was 66, and I was 40. I don’t even remember if I cried. She died on a Wednesday, and I was back at work Monday. This was 10 years ago, and I’ve never had any sort of protracted grief. I don’t think I’m hiding from my feelings. It was terrible and I wish she was still here, but it is what it is.

I will say that she died while my 2 year old was going through treatment for brain cancer. And we had recently learned that my other kid had a rare genetic disorder that would mean profound intellectual disability. So, grieving wasn’t really on the agenda. But even if I had the time and headspace, I’m just a really practical person. There are moments when I wish she could see what my youngest daughter is doing. They would have had a lot in common. But I don’t spend any time being super sad. It crossed my mind and I move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

truly wallow in my despair.

Your mother would not want this for you

I know, and it's what allows me to be okay 99% of the time. I just miss her so much, and there are still moments when the realization that she is gone hits me like a tidal wave.

Not normal if you are 30+

By 25 years old, someone should be mature enough to be able to accept death.

What is wrong with people today? Is this why families put people through hell to try to keep them alive another week or two?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate using the word normal so maybe typical is better what is a typical emotional response to the loss of a parent? My spouse lost their dad and they cried and were upset a few day but then went back to normal. Like it didn't happen. Would you say that's a typical emotional response? Or are they not dealing with it?

LOL my mother in law died this year as did my mother.

I wasn't sad at all. Finally relief

I know that sounds callous but if you lived in my shoes you would understand why I feel this way.

Do not judge how someone else grieves.

When my difficult mentally ill mother died it was so unexpected I just went to work as planned. I was shocked but not sad at all. There was then a period of being overly sentimental (like tearing up when seeing a family with a dog) but it’s been a huge relief since. It’s actually scary how many problems a death may solve. No person no problem as Stalin allegedly said. No more unfinished business from childhood! Father is still alive which brings back memories sometimes and of course looking after him is a chore but if I don’t see him too often it’s manageable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

truly wallow in my despair.

Your mother would not want this for you

I know, and it's what allows me to be okay 99% of the time. I just miss her so much, and there are still moments when the realization that she is gone hits me like a tidal wave.

Not normal if you are 30+

By 25 years old, someone should be mature enough to be able to accept death.

What is wrong with people today? Is this why families put people through hell to try to keep them alive another week or two?

25 is the new 15 nowadays so I’d say by 30 or so.
As to keeping ppl on life support I read an interesting topic on reddit on emergency medicine sub where ppl claimed that sometimes it’s done as a punishment for having been abusive. Then of course there’s the financial aspect as the grandma brings in SS. And finally it’s weak and selfish ppl who can’t let go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

truly wallow in my despair.

Your mother would not want this for you

I know, and it's what allows me to be okay 99% of the time. I just miss her so much, and there are still moments when the realization that she is gone hits me like a tidal wave.

Not normal if you are 30+

GMAFB. Who are you to define what’s normal grieving?

Thank you for this.

I was feeling so embarrassed and ashamed of still grieving over my dad even though it's been several years and I'm in my 50's.

Being embarrassed and ashamed is not a mature feeling, maybe it belongs to the realm of adolescence when we realize it’s time to separate from parents but we cannot do it yet so there’s a conflict. Which is proof yet again that you haven’t separated from a parent and that’s why the grief is so protracted.
Therapy should be able to help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

truly wallow in my despair.

Your mother would not want this for you

I know, and it's what allows me to be okay 99% of the time. I just miss her so much, and there are still moments when the realization that she is gone hits me like a tidal wave.

Not normal if you are 30+

By 25 years old, someone should be mature enough to be able to accept death.

What is wrong with people today? Is this why families put people through hell to try to keep them alive another week or two?

How does grieving mean somebody is not accepting death? It is you who are living emotionally maturity, for conflating the two things.

[Anonymous]

^*lacking emotional maturity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

truly wallow in my despair.

Your mother would not want this for you

I know, and it's what allows me to be okay 99% of the time. I just miss her so much, and there are still moments when the realization that she is gone hits me like a tidal wave.

Not normal if you are 30+

GMAFB. Who are you to define what’s normal grieving?

Thank you for this.

I was feeling so embarrassed and ashamed of still grieving over my dad even though it's been several years and I'm in my 50's.

Being embarrassed and ashamed is not a mature feeling, maybe it belongs to the realm of adolescence when we realize it’s time to separate from parents but we cannot do it yet so there’s a conflict. Which is proof yet again that you haven’t separated from a parent and that’s why the grief is so protracted.
Therapy should be able to help

Read any book on grief, talk to any therapist - you are wrong. None of the posters who are still grieving their loss have indicated that it has been a barrier to living a productive life. I hope that you are nowhere near the mental health field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

truly wallow in my despair.

Your mother would not want this for you

I know, and it's what allows me to be okay 99% of the time. I just miss her so much, and there are still moments when the realization that she is gone hits me like a tidal wave.

Not normal if you are 30+

GMAFB. Who are you to define what’s normal grieving?

Thank you for this.

I was feeling so embarrassed and ashamed of still grieving over my dad even though it's been several years and I'm in my 50's.

Being embarrassed and ashamed is not a mature feeling, maybe it belongs to the realm of adolescence when we realize it’s time to separate from parents but we cannot do it yet so there’s a conflict. Which is proof yet again that you haven’t separated from a parent and that’s why the grief is so protracted.
Therapy should be able to help

Read any book on grief, talk to any therapist - you are wrong. None of the posters who are still grieving their loss have indicated that it has been a barrier to living a productive life. I hope that you are nowhere near the mental health field.

I am not
But excessive grieving (and feeling ashamed, realizing it’s not developmentally appropriate) is a problem. Parents are old and they die and it’s life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate using the word normal so maybe typical is better what is a typical emotional response to the loss of a parent? My spouse lost their dad and they cried and were upset a few day but then went back to normal. Like it didn't happen. Would you say that's a typical emotional response? Or are they not dealing with it?

Are you on the spectrum, Forrest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he had been very sick for a while, I think it's normal. We expect our parents to die. If they've been sick or are very old, it's sometimes a relief and we've done our grieving slowly over the years. If you lost your kid and he was like this, I'd be concerned.

+1

I have friends that post frequent social media parents about their deceased parents (even a couple of years later) and I find that odd. I'm not talking just an anniversary or birthday post, but like 5-6x a year, for years, for a parent that died 70+. I would say that is not normal.