Gifts from estranged parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm estranged from a sibling and send gifts to my niece and nephew at their other parent's house. I consider my relationship with them as separate from my sibling.

That’s passive aggressive. Why not send it to your siblings house?

It's the opposite of passive aggressive. He told everyone but me he was cutting me off, so why trigger him. I'm sure he'd spew negativity to his children if my name darkened his door, this protects them. My relationship with them is none of his business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's not yours.
You have your children call them and thank them .. or send them a thank you card.

No estranged grandparents don’t get to pretend they can side step the parents. If you are such a jerk that your children are estranged from you then by definition you are losing all access to grandchildren. You are entitled to zero access and interaction. No, this is not unfair to the grandchildren at all. It’s the protecting them from horrible people.

100%. If you were resilient enough to create a healthy, functional family system for your children after coming from a dysfunctional family system with trauma and abuse you don’t have any obligation to give your parents access to your children. You can give your children their presents or not… It’s not clear cut. Whatever feels best for you. You’re giving your kids the gift of growing up in a functional, emotionally healthy family and that is priceless.

Best & truest post yet. OP if you're even still reading, this is the bottom line.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s also a little gross to let your kids think that their grandparents are not thinking of them at the holidays. My dad was estranged from his parents when I was in middle/high school and while that absolutely impacted my ability to see them, he would never keep cards or gifts away. Thankfully they reconciled. Best to be (age-appropriate) honest about the reason for the estrangement and the gift.

[Anonymous]

Not OP but reading this thread with much interest.
I too received something from my estranged parent and I still haven't opened it and wondering what to do.
Yes, I was physically abused as a child. I tried to keep a relationship going for the sake of my kids but as my kids got older, they became the target of ire (slamming doors on them when they said good morning, locking them out of the house when parent in a sour mood, etc..).
Parent has always gossiped and talked about each of my siblings behind their back and engineered discord amongst us all. There was a lawsuit at the death of one parent, and recently an unfounded claim of elder abuse reported on a sibling. I just didn't know how much else I could take.

I have spent many hours of many years pondering how to make parent happy, what to do to make things better for them, strategize when and how to visit with my children. It consumes so much psychic energy to figure out what works best.

I have been free of that burden since parent told me not to ever call or visit. Surprisingly, it has given me a lot of calm. But when I think of opening that box and what it would engender... it would pull me back into that darkness.
All I could see is parent setting me up to just knock me over again.
My kids are in college and don't express much interest in this grandparent. I'm not sure if we will all regret it later on.
But not having to think about what can make this parent happy and tiptoe around making the relationship work has been freeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm estranged from a sibling and send gifts to my niece and nephew at their other parent's house. I consider my relationship with them as separate from my sibling.

That’s passive aggressive. Why not send it to your siblings house?

It's the opposite of passive aggressive. He told everyone but me he was cutting me off, so why trigger him. I'm sure he'd spew negativity to his children if my name darkened his door, this protects them. My relationship with them is none of his business.

DP. No idea what happened with you and your brother, but he’s the parent of the underage children you are trying to contact so it’s definitely his business. If I was estranged from someone who was trying to go around me to have contact with my children I would not be ok with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm estranged from a sibling and send gifts to my niece and nephew at their other parent's house. I consider my relationship with them as separate from my sibling.

That’s passive aggressive. Why not send it to your siblings house?

It's the opposite of passive aggressive. He told everyone but me he was cutting me off, so why trigger him. I'm sure he'd spew negativity to his children if my name darkened his door, this protects them. My relationship with them is none of his business.

DP. No idea what happened with you and your brother, but he’s the parent of the underage children you are trying to contact so it’s definitely his business. If I was estranged from someone who was trying to go around me to have contact with my children I would not be ok with that.

Agree, it is crazy that this poster thinks her contact with her siblings underage children is none of the parents business. Hard no lady!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. A narcissist will go to extreme lengths to wedge back in. Not only will they mistreat kids the same way, they’ll use them to get to you. ‘Gifts” are a weapon for these types.

I have experienced this and it’s difficult and can be traumatic emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's not yours.
You have your children call them and thank them .. or send them a thank you card.

No estranged grandparents don’t get to pretend they can side step the parents. If you are such a jerk that your children are estranged from you then by definition you are losing all access to grandchildren. You are entitled to zero access and interaction. No, this is not unfair to the grandchildren at all. It’s the protecting them from horrible people.

100%. If you were resilient enough to create a healthy, functional family system for your children after coming from a dysfunctional family system with trauma and abuse you don’t have any obligation to give your parents access to your children. You can give your children their presents or not… It’s not clear cut. Whatever feels best for you. You’re giving your kids the gift of growing up in a functional, emotionally healthy family and that is priceless.

I think this is quite an assumption, given OP's reaction to a material object.