Gifts from estranged parents?

[Anonymous]

Hi, I am the problem, it's me word list:

Narcissist
Gaslighting
Love bombing
Toxic
Abusive
Boundaries
Avoidant / Anxious Attachment
Negging
Grooming
Traumatized, trauma bonded
Triggering

Should be a bingo card for problem people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle the boxes of gifts or cards full of money that your kids receive from their grandparents/your estranged parents? I received an expected delivery email and I suspect it’s from my parents for my kids. At the beginning of the estrangement, when we were still low contact and I thought maybe we could work it out, they sent gifts at the kids’ birthdays, but I’ll admit it felt a little gross to give them to the kids.

You’re a lot, aren’t you?

Let me guess. You went no contact over your parents’ “toxicity” and spend a lot of time in communities getting praise and encouragement for doing this? And you have been in therapy for years … that your parents paid for when they were trying to get you help? When they were sacrificing for you?

I recognize this PP's writing. In so many discussions here. PP are you doing a dissertation on social dynamics on a parenting board? Or how people react to hostile presumptuous snarky shaming replies? Because unless you're doing a dissertation on these things, you just getting on discussions to shame people and speak with ignorant entitled authority is getting so old and tired. And you really are recognizable more than you realize.

Um, you recognize my writing? I don't believe I've ever posted about estrangement. So, you're wrong and presumptuous. It's so very clear what I said struck a chord and maybe caused you some cognitive dissonance. Maybe deal with that instead of reflexively attacking. I'm sure you are desperate to cling to this victim narrative/fantasy you have in your head, but this is not a "safe space" to wallow in your delusions. A lot of us will push back.

Your 100th mistake was assuming your writing is only recognizable from posts about estrangement. Your writing is recognizable far beyond the particular topic. Just find a life outside of DCUM and maybe you will actually contribute to conversations. But for now, you are 100% troll.

Please humor me and provide other examples. I’m dying here.

BTW, you must be the one spending too much time here if you think you recognize writing.

On the contrary, if you post enough (which you do), you don't have to live here to recognize some trolling regulars. Not going to give you examples, that would just clue you into what makes your posts recognizable. Just try to participate without constant shaming and belittling, then even if you're still trolling, it won't be so obvious. And yes, there are many shaming and belitting trolls here, so not saying you're the only one, but you are one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle the boxes of gifts or cards full of money that your kids receive from their grandparents/your estranged parents? I received an expected delivery email and I suspect it’s from my parents for my kids. At the beginning of the estrangement, when we were still low contact and I thought maybe we could work it out, they sent gifts at the kids’ birthdays, but I’ll admit it felt a little gross to give them to the kids.

You’re a lot, aren’t you?

Let me guess. You went no contact over your parents’ “toxicity” and spend a lot of time in communities getting praise and encouragement for doing this? And you have been in therapy for years … that your parents paid for when they were trying to get you help? When they were sacrificing for you?

I recognize this PP's writing. In so many discussions here. PP are you doing a dissertation on social dynamics on a parenting board? Or how people react to hostile presumptuous snarky shaming replies? Because unless you're doing a dissertation on these things, you just getting on discussions to shame people and speak with ignorant entitled authority is getting so old and tired. And you really are recognizable more than you realize.

Um, you recognize my writing? I don't believe I've ever posted about estrangement. So, you're wrong and presumptuous. It's so very clear what I said struck a chord and maybe caused you some cognitive dissonance. Maybe deal with that instead of reflexively attacking. I'm sure you are desperate to cling to this victim narrative/fantasy you have in your head, but this is not a "safe space" to wallow in your delusions. A lot of us will push back.

Your 100th mistake was assuming your writing is only recognizable from posts about estrangement. Your writing is recognizable far beyond the particular topic. Just find a life outside of DCUM and maybe you will actually contribute to conversations. But for now, you are 100% troll.

Please humor me and provide other examples. I’m dying here.

BTW, you must be the one spending too much time here if you think you recognize writing.

On the contrary, if you post enough (which you do), you don't have to live here to recognize some trolling regulars. Not going to give you examples, that would just clue you into what makes your posts recognizable. Just try to participate without constant shaming and belittling, then even if you're still trolling, it won't be so obvious. And yes, there are many shaming and belitting trolls here, so not saying you're the only one, but you are one.

No. Put your money where your mouth is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle the boxes of gifts or cards full of money that your kids receive from their grandparents/your estranged parents? I received an expected delivery email and I suspect it’s from my parents for my kids. At the beginning of the estrangement, when we were still low contact and I thought maybe we could work it out, they sent gifts at the kids’ birthdays, but I’ll admit it felt a little gross to give them to the kids.

You’re a lot, aren’t you?

Let me guess. You went no contact over your parents’ “toxicity” and spend a lot of time in communities getting praise and encouragement for doing this? And you have been in therapy for years … that your parents paid for when they were trying to get you help? When they were sacrificing for you?

I recognize this PP's writing. In so many discussions here. PP are you doing a dissertation on social dynamics on a parenting board? Or how people react to hostile presumptuous snarky shaming replies? Because unless you're doing a dissertation on these things, you just getting on discussions to shame people and speak with ignorant entitled authority is getting so old and tired. And you really are recognizable more than you realize.

Um, you recognize my writing? I don't believe I've ever posted about estrangement. So, you're wrong and presumptuous. It's so very clear what I said struck a chord and maybe caused you some cognitive dissonance. Maybe deal with that instead of reflexively attacking. I'm sure you are desperate to cling to this victim narrative/fantasy you have in your head, but this is not a "safe space" to wallow in your delusions. A lot of us will push back.

Your 100th mistake was assuming your writing is only recognizable from posts about estrangement. Your writing is recognizable far beyond the particular topic. Just find a life outside of DCUM and maybe you will actually contribute to conversations. But for now, you are 100% troll.

Please humor me and provide other examples. I’m dying here.

BTW, you must be the one spending too much time here if you think you recognize writing.

On the contrary, if you post enough (which you do), you don't have to live here to recognize some trolling regulars. Not going to give you examples, that would just clue you into what makes your posts recognizable. Just try to participate without constant shaming and belittling, then even if you're still trolling, it won't be so obvious. And yes, there are many shaming and belitting trolls here, so not saying you're the only one, but you are one.

Your big problem is confusing anything contrarian or contradictory to your feelings to be "trolling."

This is consistent with a victim mindset that would cause an adult child to cut off a parent for being "toxic." You can't tolerate being challenged or dissent without lashing out or taking your ball and going home. It's a very serious form of arrested development. Unfortunately, it's far too common with this younger generation.

[Anonymous]

If the gift is causing so much stress
Return it.

[Anonymous]

Money? Save it for them.

Gifts? They can go in the garbage, donation bin or sit on the porch indefinitely.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have time to read through this entire thread to see if you added more detail but I’ll jump in to share my thoughts. It depends on why you’re estranged. Was there abuse? Were your parents racists? Were they awful towards your spouse? Did they physically endanger the kids? In those cases, I’d keep my kids away from any contact. But so often I hear of people who are estranged for lesser reasons that seem to stem from misunderstandings or different personalities. If the situation isn’t egregious, I’d let my kids have gifts and cards. They may be extending an olive branch. My MIL was simply not interested in my kids and distant from DH. She was more involved with her other kids and grandkids (but not super involved). I passed along the obligatory birthday and Amazon gift cards and decided my kids could decide for themselves as they hit adulthood what to make of it. They have no real relationship with my MIL but also no ill will. If she were to come to town to visit DH’s siblings, we would show up to dinner and treat her with kindness. I feel like she’s harmless to my kids who grew up with zero expectations. It’s DH who was hurt by her indifference but even he has learned to accept her limitations. She’s not mean or rude. Just emotionally disconnected. I feel sorry for her now that she’s in her mid-80s and always hope for a day we mend fences. Until then, we will keep up the bday/holiday contact. I do not want to ever have regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle the boxes of gifts or cards full of money that your kids receive from their grandparents/your estranged parents? I received an expected delivery email and I suspect it’s from my parents for my kids. At the beginning of the estrangement, when we were still low contact and I thought maybe we could work it out, they sent gifts at the kids’ birthdays, but I’ll admit it felt a little gross to give them to the kids.

We donated the gifts. Children's National accepts them, and I would bet needs them at this time of year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle the boxes of gifts or cards full of money that your kids receive from their grandparents/your estranged parents? I received an expected delivery email and I suspect it’s from my parents for my kids. At the beginning of the estrangement, when we were still low contact and I thought maybe we could work it out, they sent gifts at the kids’ birthdays, but I’ll admit it felt a little gross to give them to the kids.

You’re a lot, aren’t you?

Let me guess. You went no contact over your parents’ “toxicity” and spend a lot of time in communities getting praise and encouragement for doing this? And you have been in therapy for years … that your parents paid for when they were trying to get you help? When they were sacrificing for you?

I recognize this PP's writing. In so many discussions here. PP are you doing a dissertation on social dynamics on a parenting board? Or how people react to hostile presumptuous snarky shaming replies? Because unless you're doing a dissertation on these things, you just getting on discussions to shame people and speak with ignorant entitled authority is getting so old and tired. And you really are recognizable more than you realize.

Um, you recognize my writing? I don't believe I've ever posted about estrangement. So, you're wrong and presumptuous. It's so very clear what I said struck a chord and maybe caused you some cognitive dissonance. Maybe deal with that instead of reflexively attacking. I'm sure you are desperate to cling to this victim narrative/fantasy you have in your head, but this is not a "safe space" to wallow in your delusions. A lot of us will push back.

Your 100th mistake was assuming your writing is only recognizable from posts about estrangement. Your writing is recognizable far beyond the particular topic. Just find a life outside of DCUM and maybe you will actually contribute to conversations. But for now, you are 100% troll.

Please humor me and provide other examples. I’m dying here.

BTW, you must be the one spending too much time here if you think you recognize writing.

On the contrary, if you post enough (which you do), you don't have to live here to recognize some trolling regulars. Not going to give you examples, that would just clue you into what makes your posts recognizable. Just try to participate without constant shaming and belittling, then even if you're still trolling, it won't be so obvious. And yes, there are many shaming and belitting trolls here, so not saying you're the only one, but you are one.

Your big problem is confusing anything contrarian or contradictory to your feelings to be "trolling."

This is consistent with a victim mindset that would cause an adult child to cut off a parent for being "toxic." You can't tolerate being challenged or dissent without lashing out or taking your ball and going home. It's a very serious form of arrested development. Unfortunately, it's far too common with this younger generation.

These pages are full of opinions I disagree with. When people are respectful to OPs in their replies and just explain their opinions, even ones that seem like horrible ideas to me, I have no problem with them and nothing to say to them beyond what I think of their opinion if I reply. The person trolling here doesn't offer actual opinions or advice, they just shame OP's or anyone else they feel like shaming, including namecalling & insults sometimes, etc.

This post:

Anonymous wrote:
You’re a lot, aren’t you?

Let me guess. You went no contact over your parents’ “toxicity” and spend a lot of time in communities getting praise and encouragement for doing this? And you have been in therapy for years … that your parents paid for when they were trying to get you help? When they were sacrificing for you?

There's literally no answer or advice in this response, just criticizing OP and trying to shame them. This PP (or you, if this was you) doesn't offer anything to the conversation, just jumps on people and tries to make them feel bad for asking the question at all. They/you have a right to respond this way, and also I (and others in this convo who've also said similar things to me) have the right to point out that this is basically trolling because there are no useful answers, just a lot of jumping to conclusions and shaming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's not yours.
You have your children call them and thank them .. or send them a thank you card.

No estranged grandparents don’t get to pretend they can side step the parents. If you are such a jerk that your children are estranged from you then by definition you are losing all access to grandchildren. You are entitled to zero access and interaction. No, this is not unfair to the grandchildren at all. It’s the protecting them from horrible people.

100%. If you were resilient enough to create a healthy, functional family system for your children after coming from a dysfunctional family system with trauma and abuse you don’t have any obligation to give your parents access to your children. You can give your children their presents or not… It’s not clear cut. Whatever feels best for you. You’re giving your kids the gift of growing up in a functional, emotionally healthy family and that is priceless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle the boxes of gifts or cards full of money that your kids receive from their grandparents/your estranged parents? I received an expected delivery email and I suspect it’s from my parents for my kids. At the beginning of the estrangement, when we were still low contact and I thought maybe we could work it out, they sent gifts at the kids’ birthdays, but I’ll admit it felt a little gross to give them to the kids.

You’re a lot, aren’t you?

Let me guess. You went no contact over your parents’ “toxicity” and spend a lot of time in communities getting praise and encouragement for doing this? And you have been in therapy for years … that your parents paid for when they were trying to get you help? When they were sacrificing for you?

I recognize this PP's writing. In so many discussions here. PP are you doing a dissertation on social dynamics on a parenting board? Or how people react to hostile presumptuous snarky shaming replies? Because unless you're doing a dissertation on these things, you just getting on discussions to shame people and speak with ignorant entitled authority is getting so old and tired. And you really are recognizable more than you realize.

Um, you recognize my writing? I don't believe I've ever posted about estrangement. So, you're wrong and presumptuous. It's so very clear what I said struck a chord and maybe caused you some cognitive dissonance. Maybe deal with that instead of reflexively attacking. I'm sure you are desperate to cling to this victim narrative/fantasy you have in your head, but this is not a "safe space" to wallow in your delusions. A lot of us will push back.

Your 100th mistake was assuming your writing is only recognizable from posts about estrangement. Your writing is recognizable far beyond the particular topic. Just find a life outside of DCUM and maybe you will actually contribute to conversations. But for now, you are 100% troll.

Please humor me and provide other examples. I’m dying here.

BTW, you must be the one spending too much time here if you think you recognize writing.

On the contrary, if you post enough (which you do), you don't have to live here to recognize some trolling regulars. Not going to give you examples, that would just clue you into what makes your posts recognizable. Just try to participate without constant shaming and belittling, then even if you're still trolling, it won't be so obvious. And yes, there are many shaming and belitting trolls here, so not saying you're the only one, but you are one.

Your big problem is confusing anything contrarian or contradictory to your feelings to be "trolling."

This is consistent with a victim mindset that would cause an adult child to cut off a parent for being "toxic." You can't tolerate being challenged or dissent without lashing out or taking your ball and going home. It's a very serious form of arrested development. Unfortunately, it's far too common with this younger generation.

These pages are full of opinions I disagree with. When people are respectful to OPs in their replies and just explain their opinions, even ones that seem like horrible ideas to me, I have no problem with them and nothing to say to them beyond what I think of their opinion if I reply. The person trolling here doesn't offer actual opinions or advice, they just shame OP's or anyone else they feel like shaming, including namecalling & insults sometimes, etc.

This post:

Anonymous wrote:
You’re a lot, aren’t you?

Let me guess. You went no contact over your parents’ “toxicity” and spend a lot of time in communities getting praise and encouragement for doing this? And you have been in therapy for years … that your parents paid for when they were trying to get you help? When they were sacrificing for you?

There's literally no answer or advice in this response, just criticizing OP and trying to shame them. This PP (or you, if this was you) doesn't offer anything to the conversation, just jumps on people and tries to make them feel bad for asking the question at all. They/you have a right to respond this way, and also I (and others in this convo who've also said similar things to me) have the right to point out that this is basically trolling because there are no useful answers, just a lot of jumping to conclusions and shaming.

It’s not trolling, love. It’s real talk and pointing out a different perspective. It sounds like that’s something you can’t handle without labeling it something it’s not.

[Anonymous]

Why the OP is estranged is not in any way relevant to their question.

Those of you who cannot address a question without wanting information that has not been provided are free to ask for it or skip answering, but you're choosing to be AHs by badgering about the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why the OP is estranged is not in any way relevant to their question.

Those of you who cannot address a question without wanting information that has not been provided are free to ask for it or skip answering, but you're choosing to be AHs by badgering about the circumstances.

Yup. Same with the divorce threads. So many posters screeching about how the divorce isn't warranted, the estrangement isn't warranted, OP is the issue, the other person is probably perfect or whatever. So annoying.

[Anonymous]

If its cash, put it in their 529s, if it's checks, I don't know because cashing them could create the wrong impression. Gifts can be returned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If its cash, put it in their 529s, if it's checks, I don't know because cashing them could create the wrong impression. Gifts can be returned.

Or donated or regifted. Would not throw something new and unused away when there is so much need and there are so many ways to donate.