Will I regret it if we downsize and I quit my job so I an be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM and enjoy every minute of it. However, I would not have stayed home if we could not easily afford to do so. Spouse had to be 100% supportive and want you to stay home with kids.

You should also know that if you stay home, you have more time to spend money. That toddler will want to do music class or tot soccer. Moms will want to go out for coffee and lunch.

I thought I would go back to work when my youngest started elementary. When kids get older, that 1x per week soccer turns into 5-6 days of soccer.

You quit your job so you could drive your kid to soccer?

No, I quit my job to raise my kids. My husband earns a seven figure income so we can easily afford for me to stay home.

You must have younger kids. Whether it is soccer or gymnastics or tennis or basketball, the kids start playing more frequently the better they are.

Did you have to sell your house and move? That’s what OPs plan is. If my husband made 7 figures I would quit my job too.

Post-nup. I posted this elsewhere, but remember that assets split, income doesn’t. 7 figures doesn’t matter if he randomly decides he wants a divorce. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Silly question… but why is your pre-k kid in optional activities with homework? If these are what are stressing you out, quit them vs making major life changes.

Staying home wasn’t a viable option for me, but I think I would only stay at home if I were simplifying my life (planning to spend more leisurely, less stressful time with my kids) vs managing a rigorous extracurricular schedule for a 4-year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did the same thing and it made our life way easier. My plan was to go back when everyone was in Kindergarten. But covid hit and that didn't work because of virtual school so I stayed out of work way longer than I intended to.

Fast forward and our kid is in middle school and DH filed for divorce out of nowhere because it "just wasn't working for him" and I am screwed. And DH gets to walk away with all the benefits that came from having complete flexibility during the time of his career when he really needed to prove himself. I'm going to basically have sole custody but also have to rebuild my career from zero, and doing those two things simultaneously will be a huge struggle.

I read so many threads like this over the years and I nodded along like yes, it makes life so much easier, go for it if you can. Now I disagree.

Stay part-time or something, or have your DH downshift so he can pick up more of the mental load. And if he isn't willing to do so, I see that as a red flag. It only gets more intense once they're both in elementary school and have more complex activities, social and educational needs and if everyone isn't willing to make sacrifices- they don't have to be equal- to facilitate those things, then it's a bad sign.

If OP does SAH, before she makes the change would a post-nup protect her in this scenario?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No regrets for us. A few things to take into consideration.

- I have a very good marriage. DH is loyal, hard working, will never cheat, will never divorce. We also come from intact marriages. Family (including extended) is very close knit. Kids are everything for us.

- DH made sure that we were heavily insured so if anything happened to him we would have been multi-millionairs and I would never ever have to go back to working, while maintaining a very good lifestyle.

- I am very well educated and qualified and I would have been able to get some white-collar job in a pinch.

- My family and social circle appreciated a SAHM and I did not have to face any kind of negative comments

- I was able to afford cleaning lady, landscaper, kids EC activities, tutors, travelling for competitions and tournaments etc easily and did not feel the pinch of vanished paycheck.

- I don't get FOMO. DH is a devoted dad and likes to spend his time with me and kids.

- I have some money of my own and DH and I will both inherit a modest amount from our parents.

- We do not have pre-nup etc. We both have our names on all assets.

You really wanted to brag about this for a long time, right? You know well that OP didn’t want to hear from old money, entitled people like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd never force my 5 year old to move because mommy doesn't want to work anymore.

For your information, she was born in that house and we drive by it sometimes. It is .9 miles from our existing house. Nothing in her life would change in any significant way except a more present mom.

NP. It’s still moving your family. Which isn’t nothing. I think it’s fine to move but acting like your kids won’t notice and it won’t be a life event is a little odd. We lived less than a mile away. My kids missed the old house and the old street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd never force my 5 year old to move because mommy doesn't want to work anymore.

For your information, she was born in that house and we drive by it sometimes. It is .9 miles from our existing house. Nothing in her life would change in any significant way except a more present mom.

NP. It’s still moving your family. Which isn’t nothing. I think it’s fine to move but acting like your kids won’t notice and it won’t be a life event is a little odd. We lived less than a mile away. My kids missed the old house and the old street.

Sorry.. we moved less than a mile away.

[Anonymous]

The better solution would be to limit your child to one activity every season.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Silly question… but why is your pre-k kid in optional activities with homework? If these are what are stressing you out, quit them vs making major life changes.

Staying home wasn’t a viable option for me, but I think I would only stay at home if I were simplifying my life (planning to spend more leisurely, less stressful time with my kids) vs managing a rigorous extracurricular schedule for a 4-year old.

+1
Quitting a job like mine to play driver to my kids is really stupid - I hired a nanny to do that, plus kid laundry, plus kid cooking. I get nothing but fun and real parenting time. I’d probably quit if DH made 500k+, but you know what, he got laid off. So boy am I happy I didn’t quit - I’m the one with the 500k income. BTW we’re keeping the help, simply because who wants to be driver, cook, maid rolled into one? Instead we get to be just parents at home.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm just wondering if your parents were able to fund your kids' 529 accounts.... because your mom worked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did the same thing and it made our life way easier. My plan was to go back when everyone was in Kindergarten. But covid hit and that didn't work because of virtual school so I stayed out of work way longer than I intended to.

Fast forward and our kid is in middle school and DH filed for divorce out of nowhere because it "just wasn't working for him" and I am screwed. And DH gets to walk away with all the benefits that came from having complete flexibility during the time of his career when he really needed to prove himself. I'm going to basically have sole custody but also have to rebuild my career from zero, and doing those two things simultaneously will be a huge struggle.

I read so many threads like this over the years and I nodded along like yes, it makes life so much easier, go for it if you can. Now I disagree.

Stay part-time or something, or have your DH downshift so he can pick up more of the mental load. And if he isn't willing to do so, I see that as a red flag. It only gets more intense once they're both in elementary school and have more complex activities, social and educational needs and if everyone isn't willing to make sacrifices- they don't have to be equal- to facilitate those things, then it's a bad sign.

If OP does SAH, before she makes the change would a post-nup protect her in this scenario?

It might but it depends on the jurisdiction and what you really want to lock down is your right to future income/marital support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Silly question… but why is your pre-k kid in optional activities with homework? If these are what are stressing you out, quit them vs making major life changes.

Staying home wasn’t a viable option for me, but I think I would only stay at home if I were simplifying my life (planning to spend more leisurely, less stressful time with my kids) vs managing a rigorous extracurricular schedule for a 4-year old.

+1
Quitting a job like mine to play driver to my kids is really stupid - I hired a nanny to do that, plus kid laundry, plus kid cooking. I get nothing but fun and real parenting time. I’d probably quit if DH made 500k+, but you know what, he got laid off. So boy am I happy I didn’t quit - I’m the one with the 500k income. BTW we’re keeping the help, simply because who wants to be driver, cook, maid rolled into one? Instead we get to be just parents at home.

Yep, I can tell you make the big money, it’s shows on the attitude. You think that being parents mean just throwing money at other people to wipe your royal butts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm just wondering if your parents were able to fund your kids' 529 accounts.... because your mom worked?

So, my parents funded the 529 plans using insurance money that paid out on my brother’s life. They had a whole life policy on him that was intended as an asset for his use later in life, but he died, so it paid out 7 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been a SAHM for 15 years. Youngest is a high school senior. I have no regrets. Zero. I got to see our kids grow up. We get along well. It goes so fast, OP. Over in the blink of an eye. Once they hit upper elementary, it all goes on warp speed. You only get one chance to raise your kids. There are no do-overs. I'd rather work to improve my own family than slave away for some employer who could fire me on a whim in an at-will economy. Life is about our closest relationships. Work to make them strong and loyal.

Sad your husband doesn’t have the sane option and has to be the slave to an employer.

sigh - im a sahp but everyone is raising their kids , not just SAHPS, and since my husband has a "bigger" job than I do, I stayed home and I LOVED it but there is a downside. so many of our friends have both spouses with "big" jobs and we make 1/2 their income and all that it can provide in hidden security for your kids when they area adults. right now we can afford the same basic lifestyle and give our kids the tools to succeed but we know that our friends have investment properties and will be able to pay for down payments and larger homes and things just so much. more easily. I dont really care about their range rovers and rolexes (yuck, would love to be able do business class travel though) but I do worry that my girls will fall into the trap of trusting a man and we won't have the money to bail them out easily if it comes to that. same with me- I love and trust my husband for right now and enjoy this life but im well aware that it could all go away and I might have to live on a yearly income equal to our monthly income right now. unless you have enough saved up to create investment income (that is in your name only) that you can plow right back into a money making endeavor in case it all goes sideways- I wouldn't do it just over emails for a kindergartner. This is not the time in our nations history.

[Anonymous]

If you already have a good retirement account funded, I would definitely do it. Tons of moms lean back in once their kids are in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm just wondering if your parents were able to fund your kids' 529 accounts.... because your mom worked?

Who cares? We are funding our grandkids 529s because we can. And no I was not a working mom.