Will I regret it if we downsize and I quit my job so I an be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

9000 e-mails a day for a preschooler? Don’t invent drama. I would never quit my job if I had to downsize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you do. do NOT do it because you think you need to support your kids’ school work. It’s not developmentally appropriate for them to have required homework until they are like 10 or 11 at the earliest. Just opt out. More parents need to push back on tech and homework at inappropriate times. It’s so stupid.

I SAH and I think my kids will be better off for it. As they get older it’s kind of insane the mental load. It’s like being a social worker 24/7 with my two ADHD kids. If I were still working FT I would probably be a raging alcoholic or divorced already. There is no way I could do it. But yeah, my career is dead and the way things are going I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to it. Follow your gut but also have lots of talks with your spouse.

This is a helpful and interesting perspective, thank you. This is all new to me, and to answer the questions of other posters, she is in a play and violin (optional add ons right at her school in place of aftercare), and the drama and music teachers send multiple emails and assignments a day. It is truly bananas.

Put her in activities that are less stressful. What’s truly bananas is quitting a well-paying job because a 5-year old has too much homework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM and enjoy every minute of it. However, I would not have stayed home if we could not easily afford to do so. Spouse had to be 100% supportive and want you to stay home with kids.

You should also know that if you stay home, you have more time to spend money. That toddler will want to do music class or tot soccer. Moms will want to go out for coffee and lunch.

I thought I would go back to work when my youngest started elementary. When kids get older, that 1x per week soccer turns into 5-6 days of soccer.

You quit your job so you could drive your kid to soccer?

[Anonymous]

No one has really raised this yet, but you should also think about how your kids will react to you as a non-working parent when they are older. They notice and they are not always kind about it. Been there.

Reality I have experienced is you raise great kids mostly by yourself while your spouse works and in the end your spouse has the amazing career and great kids who respect him (and it's usually the dad) and look to him for life and career advice. And you have the fact that you're basically "fired" from your job of raising the kids if you do it well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you do. do NOT do it because you think you need to support your kids’ school work. It’s not developmentally appropriate for them to have required homework until they are like 10 or 11 at the earliest. Just opt out. More parents need to push back on tech and homework at inappropriate times. It’s so stupid.

I SAH and I think my kids will be better off for it. As they get older it’s kind of insane the mental load. It’s like being a social worker 24/7 with my two ADHD kids. If I were still working FT I would probably be a raging alcoholic or divorced already. There is no way I could do it. But yeah, my career is dead and the way things are going I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to it. Follow your gut but also have lots of talks with your spouse.

This is a helpful and interesting perspective, thank you. This is all new to me, and to answer the questions of other posters, she is in a play and violin (optional add ons right at her school in place of aftercare), and the drama and music teachers send multiple emails and assignments a day. It is truly bananas.

Put her in activities that are less stressful. What’s truly bananas is quitting a well-paying job because a 5-year old has too much homework.

This doesn't even make any sense to me. Emails about a play and the violin for a preschooler? Put her in a full day preschool and be done with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it an option to work part-time? How stable is your spouse’s employment? When you say “downsize,” what do you mean exactly?

I could try to find part-time work, and I'd be open to it after a breather. My current work is all consuming and would be impossible to do part time (work in tech).

My DH is a tenured professor at an R1 university. In theory this has always been very stable. My spouse is very active in his role and has a solid career. I don't have a crystal ball, but his work appears more stable than most, and he is not overly stressed by his job and wants to do it until 70+.

When I say downsize, I mean move back into a rental house that we used to live in. We can sell our current house and pay off the remaining mortgage on the rental house. We'd be completely debt free on top of having fully funded 529s. We have healthy retirement savings thanks to my job.

The rental house is a 4 bedroom 3 bedroom house in our exact same neighborhood. It has no backyard and no pool, which is a bummer, but it's a great house and would feel adequate for my family. Walking distance to a great playground, too, and a spit from school.

We'd be giving up entertaining often at home, but that's really the only big thing I can think of that we'd be giving up, and it's hardly a deal breaker if I can exchange it for more freedom and peace.

I would really try to kick the tires on your assumption that your job must be all-consuming and cannot be done part-time. Is it just that *you* in your job cannot work in a manner that is not all-consuming? Are there really no other options or is it just that you can't imagine yourself doing them? I ask this not to criticize but to help. This used to be me. The options were there but I thought I couldn't bear to take the step down in job quality and prestige that I thought it would have involved. I now wish I'd considered them more seriously and gotten over myself.

Thank you for this suggestion, it's really insightful.

One thing I am actually considering is downsizing to take some of the feeling of financial pressure off of me, and waiting to quit my job for a bit until the dust settles. Once I know that getting laid off or fired won't have us in the red every month, I might be able to even keep better boundaries with my current job as is. At this time, I am so scared and feel like I can't say no to anything.

It would also let you have the flexibility to get laid off or quit a job you don't love, have a few months off, then find another one, especially if contract work is available in your particular line of work. Again, probably a drop in prestige for sure, but not a bad option that keeps you in the workforce but drops your stress level.

[Anonymous]

It gets easier only in that they are in school 8-3 or whatever so you have time to do all you need to do. The paperwork, after school activities, homework, increases.

It is so hard to say as everyone’s situation is different because the people in them are different. I sah off and on for years and finally about 5/7 th grades for my dc I took a role that was 3-4 days a week. I would not have had that option if I had not done some of the gig or pt work I got off and on.

TBH, I have liked both sah and work roles. Obviously a good boss and a lot of flexibility made/ make it work.

I’d say go for it but keep up your network, skills, and when you have had a year or so to regroup see if you can do something pt. Really is best of both worlds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you do. do NOT do it because you think you need to support your kids’ school work. It’s not developmentally appropriate for them to have required homework until they are like 10 or 11 at the earliest. Just opt out. More parents need to push back on tech and homework at inappropriate times. It’s so stupid.

I SAH and I think my kids will be better off for it. As they get older it’s kind of insane the mental load. It’s like being a social worker 24/7 with my two ADHD kids. If I were still working FT I would probably be a raging alcoholic or divorced already. There is no way I could do it. But yeah, my career is dead and the way things are going I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to it. Follow your gut but also have lots of talks with your spouse.

This is a helpful and interesting perspective, thank you. This is all new to me, and to answer the questions of other posters, she is in a play and violin (optional add ons right at her school in place of aftercare), and the drama and music teachers send multiple emails and assignments a day. It is truly bananas.

This is a LOT. And if there's an expectation that a parent will be responding to the emails in real time and your kid will be completing assignments on short notice, that's unreasonable. These are after school enrichments.

[Anonymous]

Love being a SAHM. No regrets at all!

[Anonymous]

It is of course possible you will go back to work later, but assume it will be a permanent move when weighting the pros and cons with your spouse. IMO parenthood becomes more involved as they get older - while daycare is year round 7-5, school is 9-3 180 days a year. Plus, their activities and needs become ever more complicated emotionally and logistically, peaking right before they can drive.

[Anonymous]

I have been a SAHM from the start and it’s been the best choice for my family, but I would probably not make that choice in your shoes. Selling a house and moving back into your rental seems like a huge decision based on emails from preschool teachers about violin lessons! Ignore the emails if it’s stressing you out, kid can practice once a week on the weekend, or just drop it altogether.

As the kids get bigger, you will want the bigger house so you can have their friends over. Plus activities only get much more expensive as they get older, and clothes, and orthodontia! I would keep working and saving money, it’s much much harder to go back.

Make changes in your day to day life to reduce stress vs quitting a job and downsizing. That option will always be there if you need it someday, but stressing out over a preschool play is not a good reason.

[Anonymous]

Will you be able to return to your career if you and your spouse divorce?

[Anonymous]

I’m struck by the fact that you are feeling so much pressure over the activity-related emails. You mentioned you are afraid to say “no” at work. Is that how you feel with respect to the extracurriculars as well? I rarely felt overwhelmed by school or activity emails/duties while working full time with 3 kids, but I’m not much of a people-pleaser by nature and have always been comfortable doing the bare minimum in some areas if other things are more pressing.

I also have a DH who splits chores with me and is a very involved parent/great spouse. Our kids don’t have any significant special needs. I might have felt differently if these things weren’t true, but I have zero regrets about pursuing my career. I would have hated to downsize and live a less enjoyable life with more financial instability and lower retirement savings. Maybe you are less risk-averse than I, but I would really explore setting more boundaries at work and at home before making this leap.

I also don’t think you need to worry that your kids will feel like they are a burden to you if continue to work. That’s not typically an issue in families where both parents enjoy their kids and family life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am hoping for some perspectives from others to help me make the best long term decision.

I have a 5 year old daughter and a 17 month old son. My daughter is in pre-k, and while she doesn't even have homework yet, her activities are already coming with homework! I get about 9000 emails per day from school and activities. I know this is only going to increase, and I WANT to be a supportive parent to my kids. My mom was working and always too tired to be there for me, I always felt like a burden to her.

Between trying to manage home, parenting related things, and my work (which is another source of never ending balls in the air and things I have to take care of RIGHT NOW) I am starting to be very burnt out.

I have no passion for my job, although I hoped to milk it for 5-7 more years for financial reasons.

If we downsize, we can afford for me to SAH now and still have a reasonable financial cushion. We also have funded 529s thanks to an incredible gift from my parents.

I am looking to hear from parents of older kids about where they think their time is most valuably spent as kids get older. I don't want to make a knee-jerk reaction just because i feel burnt out and possibly am not yet good at managing the demands of school/activities. Does it get easier? Just looking for honest accounts. Thank you so much in advance.

Is there a middle ground where you work that doesn’t expect you to answer emails right away/crisis manage at off hours? I am a physician, and took a role with way less clinical time so I can be present with my school aged kids. I’m still working FT, but it’s not evenings or weekends, and it’s a big difference. It will also make it easier to transition back to my old job if I want to.

We also looked for schools that were well suited for dual working parents. My son is in a variety of activities, and all but one happen afterschool, without me having to drive him anywhere. We pick him up everyday at 5p, and he’s had his piano/chess/soccer/playground time already and the evenings are just family time. This is so much more relaxing than trying to schlep him around after school everyday, which didn’t feel great for him either.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wanted to make a plug for taking it down several notches in as many areas of your life that you can but especially with your kids' extracurriculars and school stuff. Your kid is 5.

I read the book "Never Enough" recently and highly recommend it. You're not quite there yet because your kids are so young but you're not far off. It goes into the dangers of pushing your kids, pushing yourself, etc and making everyone miserable and lost in the process. Made a huge impact on me as a parent of slightly older kids.

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/never-enough-jennifer-breheny-wallace/1142779009