Will I regret it if we downsize and I quit my job so I an be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

I've been a SAHM for 15 years. Youngest is a high school senior. I have no regrets. Zero. I got to see our kids grow up. We get along well. It goes so fast, OP. Over in the blink of an eye. Once they hit upper elementary, it all goes on warp speed. You only get one chance to raise your kids. There are no do-overs. I'd rather work to improve my own family than slave away for some employer who could fire me on a whim in an at-will economy. Life is about our closest relationships. Work to make them strong and loyal.

[Anonymous]

All I can say is life is long and expensive and financial security does not feel like what it used to feel like. I have teens and one about to go to college. It fills me with deep relief that I know we are going to be okay financially and I can help my kids if they need it. Many kids out of college are having trouble landing jobs right now.

It is very possible to have a job and be closely connected to and supportive of your kids. Not really going to get into that debate, but it's not an either/or situation so don't let people make you feel like it is, which is always where this goes and I'm seeing it in the responses. A big part of the equation is your spouse.

[Anonymous]

I did the same thing and it made our life way easier. My plan was to go back when everyone was in Kindergarten. But covid hit and that didn't work because of virtual school so I stayed out of work way longer than I intended to.

Fast forward and our kid is in middle school and DH filed for divorce out of nowhere because it "just wasn't working for him" and I am screwed. And DH gets to walk away with all the benefits that came from having complete flexibility during the time of his career when he really needed to prove himself. I'm going to basically have sole custody but also have to rebuild my career from zero, and doing those two things simultaneously will be a huge struggle.

I read so many threads like this over the years and I nodded along like yes, it makes life so much easier, go for it if you can. Now I disagree.

Stay part-time or something, or have your DH downshift so he can pick up more of the mental load. And if he isn't willing to do so, I see that as a red flag. It only gets more intense once they're both in elementary school and have more complex activities, social and educational needs and if everyone isn't willing to make sacrifices- they don't have to be equal- to facilitate those things, then it's a bad sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you do. do NOT do it because you think you need to support your kids’ school work. It’s not developmentally appropriate for them to have required homework until they are like 10 or 11 at the earliest. Just opt out. More parents need to push back on tech and homework at inappropriate times. It’s so stupid.

I SAH and I think my kids will be better off for it. As they get older it’s kind of insane the mental load. It’s like being a social worker 24/7 with my two ADHD kids. If I were still working FT I would probably be a raging alcoholic or divorced already. There is no way I could do it. But yeah, my career is dead and the way things are going I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to it. Follow your gut but also have lots of talks with your spouse.

Agree parenting a kid with special needs adds another admin and emotional layer and OP does not know yet whether her kids will fall into this bucket (sorry, OP, your kids might be fine but you don't have the full picture at those ages)

Also agree on the homework. My kids didn't have regular homework until third grade and even then it was somewhat optional. Before then I just checked what came home to see what they were learning and made sure they were doing well enough in it. The learning goals of the early grades are so simple -- is your kid learning to read at the right pace? can they add single digits together? Take them to the library. Throw random simple addition questions at them once in awhile in conversation. You do not need extras unless your kid is struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been a SAHM for 15 years. Youngest is a high school senior. I have no regrets. Zero. I got to see our kids grow up. We get along well. It goes so fast, OP. Over in the blink of an eye. Once they hit upper elementary, it all goes on warp speed. You only get one chance to raise your kids. There are no do-overs. I'd rather work to improve my own family than slave away for some employer who could fire me on a whim in an at-will economy. Life is about our closest relationships. Work to make them strong and loyal.

Sad your husband doesn’t have the sane option and has to be the slave to an employer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am hoping for some perspectives from others to help me make the best long term decision.

I have a 5 year old daughter and a 17 month old son. My daughter is in pre-k, and while she doesn't even have homework yet, her activities are already coming with homework! I get about 9000 emails per day from school and activities. I know this is only going to increase, and I WANT to be a supportive parent to my kids. My mom was working and always too tired to be there for me, I always felt like a burden to her.

Between trying to manage home, parenting related things, and my work (which is another source of never ending balls in the air and things I have to take care of RIGHT NOW) I am starting to be very burnt out.

I have no passion for my job, although I hoped to milk it for 5-7 more years for financial reasons.

If we downsize, we can afford for me to SAH now and still have a reasonable financial cushion. We also have funded 529s thanks to an incredible gift from my parents.

I am looking to hear from parents of older kids about where they think their time is most valuably spent as kids get older. I don't want to make a knee-jerk reaction just because i feel burnt out and possibly am not yet good at managing the demands of school/activities. Does it get easier? Just looking for honest accounts. Thank you so much in advance.

It was worth it to me, kids appreciate it and DH feels it was a huge benefit for his career. Only thing that bothers me is other people judging your worth.

That being said, if given a chance to do over, I would probably make the same choice if I was again given a stable marriage with a spouse who also likes this lifestyle and can support finances reasonably well on his own. We are simple and frugal people who lived within our means and kept financial cushion to handle any crisis.

If you are more ambitious or marriage isn't stable then you might regret it but otherwise no reason other than societal pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it an option to work part-time? How stable is your spouse’s employment? When you say “downsize,” what do you mean exactly?

I could try to find part-time work, and I'd be open to it after a breather. My current work is all consuming and would be impossible to do part time (work in tech).

My DH is a tenured professor at an R1 university. In theory this has always been very stable. My spouse is very active in his role and has a solid career. I don't have a crystal ball, but his work appears more stable than most, and he is not overly stressed by his job and wants to do it until 70+.

When I say downsize, I mean move back into a rental house that we used to live in. We can sell our current house and pay off the remaining mortgage on the rental house. We'd be completely debt free on top of having fully funded 529s. We have healthy retirement savings thanks to my job.

The rental house is a 4 bedroom 3 bedroom house in our exact same neighborhood. It has no backyard and no pool, which is a bummer, but it's a great house and would feel adequate for my family. Walking distance to a great playground, too, and a spit from school.

We'd be giving up entertaining often at home, but that's really the only big thing I can think of that we'd be giving up, and it's hardly a deal breaker if I can exchange it for more freedom and peace.

[Anonymous]

One thing to consider is how much quitting your job will actually help. I personally find getting kids to activities to be a PIA. Especially with two kids. Even if I quit my job it would be annoying to be juggling dinner and a kid at soccer.

My concern would be you quit and life isn’t really any easier.

There also seems to be a common theme of women leaving the workforce and never returning.

[Anonymous]

Do it knowing that being a SAHM isn't the lazy life people paint it to be, its hard work with little acknowledgement unless you are a member of the cast of Real Housewives franchise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you do. do NOT do it because you think you need to support your kids’ school work. It’s not developmentally appropriate for them to have required homework until they are like 10 or 11 at the earliest. Just opt out. More parents need to push back on tech and homework at inappropriate times. It’s so stupid.

I SAH and I think my kids will be better off for it. As they get older it’s kind of insane the mental load. It’s like being a social worker 24/7 with my two ADHD kids. If I were still working FT I would probably be a raging alcoholic or divorced already. There is no way I could do it. But yeah, my career is dead and the way things are going I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to it. Follow your gut but also have lots of talks with your spouse.

This is a helpful and interesting perspective, thank you. This is all new to me, and to answer the questions of other posters, she is in a play and violin (optional add ons right at her school in place of aftercare), and the drama and music teachers send multiple emails and assignments a day. It is truly bananas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it an option to work part-time? How stable is your spouse’s employment? When you say “downsize,” what do you mean exactly?

I could try to find part-time work, and I'd be open to it after a breather. My current work is all consuming and would be impossible to do part time (work in tech).

My DH is a tenured professor at an R1 university. In theory this has always been very stable. My spouse is very active in his role and has a solid career. I don't have a crystal ball, but his work appears more stable than most, and he is not overly stressed by his job and wants to do it until 70+.

When I say downsize, I mean move back into a rental house that we used to live in. We can sell our current house and pay off the remaining mortgage on the rental house. We'd be completely debt free on top of having fully funded 529s. We have healthy retirement savings thanks to my job.

The rental house is a 4 bedroom 3 bedroom house in our exact same neighborhood. It has no backyard and no pool, which is a bummer, but it's a great house and would feel adequate for my family. Walking distance to a great playground, too, and a spit from school.

We'd be giving up entertaining often at home, but that's really the only big thing I can think of that we'd be giving up, and it's hardly a deal breaker if I can exchange it for more freedom and peace.

I would really try to kick the tires on your assumption that your job must be all-consuming and cannot be done part-time. Is it just that *you* in your job cannot work in a manner that is not all-consuming? Are there really no other options or is it just that you can't imagine yourself doing them? I ask this not to criticize but to help. This used to be me. The options were there but I thought I couldn't bear to take the step down in job quality and prestige that I thought it would have involved. I now wish I'd considered them more seriously and gotten over myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do it knowing that being a SAHM isn't the lazy life people paint it to be, its hard work with little acknowledgement unless you are a member of the cast of Real Housewives franchise.

It provides lots of wonderful moments but I had not imagined how relentless "not working" could still feel. Plus the burden of having to structure one's own time when kids are in school. If you have spent your adulthood running on adrenaline and going from task to task in a high-pressure job, you may totally lack this skill. It is humbling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it an option to work part-time? How stable is your spouse’s employment? When you say “downsize,” what do you mean exactly?

I could try to find part-time work, and I'd be open to it after a breather. My current work is all consuming and would be impossible to do part time (work in tech).

My DH is a tenured professor at an R1 university. In theory this has always been very stable. My spouse is very active in his role and has a solid career. I don't have a crystal ball, but his work appears more stable than most, and he is not overly stressed by his job and wants to do it until 70+.

When I say downsize, I mean move back into a rental house that we used to live in. We can sell our current house and pay off the remaining mortgage on the rental house. We'd be completely debt free on top of having fully funded 529s. We have healthy retirement savings thanks to my job.

The rental house is a 4 bedroom 3 bedroom house in our exact same neighborhood. It has no backyard and no pool, which is a bummer, but it's a great house and would feel adequate for my family. Walking distance to a great playground, too, and a spit from school.

We'd be giving up entertaining often at home, but that's really the only big thing I can think of that we'd be giving up, and it's hardly a deal breaker if I can exchange it for more freedom and peace.

I would really try to kick the tires on your assumption that your job must be all-consuming and cannot be done part-time. Is it just that *you* in your job cannot work in a manner that is not all-consuming? Are there really no other options or is it just that you can't imagine yourself doing them? I ask this not to criticize but to help. This used to be me. The options were there but I thought I couldn't bear to take the step down in job quality and prestige that I thought it would have involved. I now wish I'd considered them more seriously and gotten over myself.

Thank you for this suggestion, it's really insightful.

One thing I am actually considering is downsizing to take some of the feeling of financial pressure off of me, and waiting to quit my job for a bit until the dust settles. Once I know that getting laid off or fired won't have us in the red every month, I might be able to even keep better boundaries with my current job as is. At this time, I am so scared and feel like I can't say no to anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it an option to work part-time? How stable is your spouse’s employment? When you say “downsize,” what do you mean exactly?

I could try to find part-time work, and I'd be open to it after a breather. My current work is all consuming and would be impossible to do part time (work in tech).

My DH is a tenured professor at an R1 university. In theory this has always been very stable. My spouse is very active in his role and has a solid career. I don't have a crystal ball, but his work appears more stable than most, and he is not overly stressed by his job and wants to do it until 70+.

When I say downsize, I mean move back into a rental house that we used to live in. We can sell our current house and pay off the remaining mortgage on the rental house. We'd be completely debt free on top of having fully funded 529s. We have healthy retirement savings thanks to my job.

The rental house is a 4 bedroom 3 bedroom house in our exact same neighborhood. It has no backyard and no pool, which is a bummer, but it's a great house and would feel adequate for my family. Walking distance to a great playground, too, and a spit from school.

We'd be giving up entertaining often at home, but that's really the only big thing I can think of that we'd be giving up, and it's hardly a deal breaker if I can exchange it for more freedom and peace.

I would really try to kick the tires on your assumption that your job must be all-consuming and cannot be done part-time. Is it just that *you* in your job cannot work in a manner that is not all-consuming? Are there really no other options or is it just that you can't imagine yourself doing them? I ask this not to criticize but to help. This used to be me. The options were there but I thought I couldn't bear to take the step down in job quality and prestige that I thought it would have involved. I now wish I'd considered them more seriously and gotten over myself.

Thank you for this suggestion, it's really insightful.

One thing I am actually considering is downsizing to take some of the feeling of financial pressure off of me, and waiting to quit my job for a bit until the dust settles. Once I know that getting laid off or fired won't have us in the red every month, I might be able to even keep better boundaries with my current job as is. At this time, I am so scared and feel like I can't say no to anything.

Oh that sounds really stressful. No wonder you are having trouble setting boundaries!

[Anonymous]

I’d only consider being a SAHM if we could maintain our current lifestyle without my salary. We can’t so I work.