Will I regret it if we downsize and I quit my job so I an be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

I am hoping for some perspectives from others to help me make the best long term decision.

I have a 5 year old daughter and a 17 month old son. My daughter is in pre-k, and while she doesn't even have homework yet, her activities are already coming with homework! I get about 9000 emails per day from school and activities. I know this is only going to increase, and I WANT to be a supportive parent to my kids. My mom was working and always too tired to be there for me, I always felt like a burden to her.

Between trying to manage home, parenting related things, and my work (which is another source of never ending balls in the air and things I have to take care of RIGHT NOW) I am starting to be very burnt out.

I have no passion for my job, although I hoped to milk it for 5-7 more years for financial reasons.

If we downsize, we can afford for me to SAH now and still have a reasonable financial cushion. We also have funded 529s thanks to an incredible gift from my parents.

I am looking to hear from parents of older kids about where they think their time is most valuably spent as kids get older. I don't want to make a knee-jerk reaction just because i feel burnt out and possibly am not yet good at managing the demands of school/activities. Does it get easier? Just looking for honest accounts. Thank you so much in advance.

[Anonymous]

Is it an option to work part-time? How stable is your spouse’s employment? When you say “downsize,” what do you mean exactly?

[Anonymous]

In the current economic climate, I would not go down to 1 adult in your family working. I'm also personally not a fan of putting yourself in that position in your marriage, both in terms of current marital dynamics and putting yourself at risk in the future. I have teens now. In my opinion if you stick it out in the workforce, you earn a lot of flexibility that makes working when they are older and you actually need a lot of flexibility much easier. And you're getting paid and investing in your current and future earning power the whole time.

I'm a little confused how you are getting "9000" emails a day about a 5 year old and a 17 month old. What activities have homework for a 5 year old? These are actually the easy years to work, in my opinion. The kid is in a designated spot all day and there is drop off and pick up.

You need to be organized, streamline, and what is your spouse doing.

[Anonymous]

Have you discussed the idea with your spouse and 5 year old? They might have some surprising views or encouragement you haven't considered. Everyone will give you advice from their personal opinions that do not consider all the factors that YOU are living. Do you tend to clash with your spouse and kids where personal space might be ideal for all? Or do you all endlessly enjoy each other's company save a few quick bouts of disagreement? Does work stress take your mind of home/family anxieties which sounds bad but might be a hidden blessing? Will your kids do without extracurriculars or ideal real estate location due to downsizing? Will your retirement years be iffy? Does your job provide significant financial padding or is it a comparative drop in the bucket or your hhi? Do you feel pride in answering what you do for a living when asked? Is work affecting you physically or mentally, will there be downtime after high stress months? Do you feel like your kids are missing out on your attention, feeling something lacking, acting out, frustrated? Do you have little patience after work? I think there's a lot more to consider than the usual "is your spouse ok with this? Won't you get bored?" But nobody actually knows what you are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM and enjoy every minute of it. However, I would not have stayed home if we could not easily afford to do so. Spouse had to be 100% supportive and want you to stay home with kids.

You should also know that if you stay home, you have more time to spend money. That toddler will want to do music class or tot soccer. Moms will want to go out for coffee and lunch.

I thought I would go back to work when my youngest started elementary. When kids get older, that 1x per week soccer turns into 5-6 days of soccer.

[Anonymous]

My oldest is now in high school and I have witnessed many divorces, granted most divorces seem to have working moms. You don’t want to be left with no income.

[Anonymous]

Go for it. No regrets here.

[Anonymous]

I agree that this is not a good time in our history to be thinking of leaving the work force. It's tough to re-enter at any point, but even moreso at this time.

I also agree that it's a lot of pressure on one spouse to be the sole breadwinner.

And, while I recognize that you feel like a burden on your mom because she was always too tired for you, most working parents are not too tired for their kids. They learn to manage activities. They don't overschedule their families (and that means different things to different families). They share the responsibilities with their spouses. They learn to be organized and to trust their spouse to do their part in the management of their family life. There's no reason to think that you'll be like your mom instead of like other working parents.

Last thing. If you have to downsize to leave the workforce, that means after you do so, you won't be able to financially give your kids things you will want to give them. You might have the energy (but maybe not if you are getting 9000 emails a day about a 5 year old and a toddler), but you won't have the resources. That's painful in its own way.

[Anonymous]

What activities is your 5 year old in that you have that much extra work? My kid was in Scouts, baseball/soccer, and whatever else struck his fancy at the moment. There was hardly any email activity and maybe an hour or two a day practice once a week.

It sounds like you have your child in more time intensive extra activities then most people do, which would translate to more expensive activities as well. Most kids don't have that much homework in PreK or even K, so this makes me think your kid is at a private school. I know we did not get a ton of emails from DS PreK when he was in it, we got weekly updates and the occasional reminder about special events but that was it.

Would not working allow you to continue to pay for the activities your child is in? Pay for the school that she is attending? Pay for that without adding additional stress on your DH to make a salary that allows you to continue to pay for those things? How will it impact activities like vacations and travel?

[Anonymous]

Some general thoughts:

I've had an intense job most of the time I've had kids, with particularly intense phases in the last few years as they got into upper elementary. I am now a RIF'ed federal employee with lots of time on my hands all of the sudden, and it's been an emotional journey realizing how much more time and energy I have to give to my kids now. On the flip side of this, I have too much energy for them sometimes and find myself raising things with the school or putting effort into things of questionable additional value, simply because I have lots of time on my hands and I am a little bored. The middle ground for me between intense employment and my current unemployment would be a less stressful job that didn't follow me emotionally after normal business hours or require me to work evenings and weekends on occasion. Or a part time job where I could protect afternoons, evenings, and weekends. If you have that available to you, I'd strongly consider that option, especially if you see the option to ramp back up professionally in 8-10 years.

For activities, you need to decide what you're going to let your kids do -- specifically the effort and toll it will take on the family vs the benefit to your kids. We have turned down lots of activities because they didn't seem worth it. Don't let yourself get sucked into the enrichment/acceleration/travel team thing and pack your kids' schedules or at least try to hold off a few years before you go down that road. They're better off hanging out at home with a not-stressed-out parent in the evening than being shuttled around to a million activities. Buck the trend and fight for your peace.


Consider what help you can pay for. Once my kids were in mid-elementary we hired a babysitter to help with afternoons and getting them to activities. It helped but required admin effort on our part (payroll, explaining logistics to babysitter). My kids are old enough to come home and fend for themselves for 30-60 mins now so we likely won't do that anymore once I am working again. Their activities usually don't start until 6 so we can come home and then take them somewhere. But the activities still mess up an evening (no dinners together or late dinners together is the choice plus later bedtimes).

Back to your question, it can definitely get easier over time, especially if you guard your time and sanity and accept you'll have to phone it in sometimes. The school emails, etc, can all be dealt with in chunks at a designated time every day or two -- you usually don't need to be responding to them in real time or during the day. One thing that helped us with the scheduling and emailing frenzy is switching to sharing google calendars between my spouse and me, and also getting a digital wall calendar. Streamlining as much of the scheduling as possible and being more efficient there has helped quite a bit.

Find areas where you are willing to compromise other things. Can you make your dinners simpler? Are you willing to eat "kid" foods? Can you phone it in a little on how clean your house is? (we love our roomba and have a cleaning service every two weeks but our house can get pretty disorganized in between). Are you and your spouse sharing the load in a way that feels equitable and doesn't leave (just) you sucking wind every night?

I thought at this point my regret might be that I worked and didn't stay home but it's actually just how hard I worked and the standards I held myself to. I also made no time for myself and had no social life -- developing some better friendships and activities has been the second best part of my unemployment, after getting to spend more time with my kids.

Hold boundaries, protect your family's peace, ask for help, and accept you need to do a mediocre job on some things.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Part time for sure if your job will allow it

[Anonymous]

I did it, and absolutely no regrets. Some years, money was incredibly tight, but when my youngest was in upper ES, I re-entered the workforce. I no longer have the same caliber of job (or income) that I once had, but that’s OK. I make enough money to contribute to my family, and as a soon to be empty nester, I fill my time. You can always make more money, but you can never get these years back with your children. I wouldn’t trade my years as a SAHM for any amount of money.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a pension plan/retirement plan?

You write "we" so I guess that you have a spouse/partner. What will happen if you divorce or separate?

[Anonymous]

If you do. do NOT do it because you think you need to support your kids’ school work. It’s not developmentally appropriate for them to have required homework until they are like 10 or 11 at the earliest. Just opt out. More parents need to push back on tech and homework at inappropriate times. It’s so stupid.

I SAH and I think my kids will be better off for it. As they get older it’s kind of insane the mental load. It’s like being a social worker 24/7 with my two ADHD kids. If I were still working FT I would probably be a raging alcoholic or divorced already. There is no way I could do it. But yeah, my career is dead and the way things are going I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to it. Follow your gut but also have lots of talks with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Regrets will kick in IF you try to go back to work at some point. Unless you are willing to restart your career or willing to take on much lower wages