Will I regret it if we downsize and I quit my job so I an be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regrets will kick in IF you try to go back to work at some point. Unless you are willing to restart your career or willing to take on much lower wages

If practical, I would shift to a part time position somewhere before stopping OOH work completely.

I also would at least have a reasonable plan for how to reinsert to full-time employment if that later is desirable or necessary. Even if spouse's job is stable now, things could change later on.

Grades 1-9 can have challenging requirements to drive kids for swim lessons, sports, or other after school things. After they either can drive or their only after school things are at the same school, the driving becomes easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am hoping for some perspectives from others to help me make the best long term decision.

I have a 5 year old daughter and a 17 month old son. My daughter is in pre-k, and while she doesn't even have homework yet, her activities are already coming with homework! I get about 9000 emails per day from school and activities. I know this is only going to increase, and I WANT to be a supportive parent to my kids. My mom was working and always too tired to be there for me, I always felt like a burden to her.

Between trying to manage home, parenting related things, and my work (which is another source of never ending balls in the air and things I have to take care of RIGHT NOW) I am starting to be very burnt out.

I have no passion for my job, although I hoped to milk it for 5-7 more years for financial reasons.

If we downsize, we can afford for me to SAH now and still have a reasonable financial cushion. We also have funded 529s thanks to an incredible gift from my parents.

I am looking to hear from parents of older kids about where they think their time is most valuably spent as kids get older. I don't want to make a knee-jerk reaction just because i feel burnt out and possibly am not yet good at managing the demands of school/activities. Does it get easier? Just looking for honest accounts. Thank you so much in advance.

Is there a middle ground where you work that doesn’t expect you to answer emails right away/crisis manage at off hours? I am a physician, and took a role with way less clinical time so I can be present with my school aged kids. I’m still working FT, but it’s not evenings or weekends, and it’s a big difference. It will also make it easier to transition back to my old job if I want to.

We also looked for schools that were well suited for dual working parents. My son is in a variety of activities, and all but one happen afterschool, without me having to drive him anywhere. We pick him up everyday at 5p, and he’s had his piano/chess/soccer/playground time already and the evenings are just family time. This is so much more relaxing than trying to schlep him around after school everyday, which didn’t feel great for him either.

This approach is great but curious how old your kid is. This would have worked for my kids until age 7-8 or so and then the ECs through the afterschool program seemed babyish to my kids and they wanted to do different sports that their friends are doing. We've tried to keep it manageable but our evenings definitely shifted to having ECs around town vs at school. Wish that weren't the case.

[Anonymous]

I became a SAHM when my kids were about the same age as yours, involuntarily (layoff). It has been worth it for very personal reasons, one child has special needs and neither DH nor I have the type of jobs that allow flexibility in the afternoons or part-time. If both kids were "normal" or we had any sort of ability to flex I would have preferred to stay in the workforce.

School emails/volunteer requests drop way down after 2nd grade. Driving kids to activities goes way up but some parents hire drivers/nannies or work in their cars. Playdates in our group also drop down after 2nd, everyone is in activities. Costs go up especially if your kid is somewhat good at any activity. I don't hear about parents helping their kids with homework (in 3rd and 7th grades) except me, helping the special needs one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one has really raised this yet, but you should also think about how your kids will react to you as a non-working parent when they are older. They notice and they are not always kind about it. Been there.

Reality I have experienced is you raise great kids mostly by yourself while your spouse works and in the end your spouse has the amazing career and great kids who respect him (and it's usually the dad) and look to him for life and career advice. And you have the fact that you're basically "fired" from your job of raising the kids if you do it well.

Flip side: SAHM with a DH who is totally focused on his amazing career and the kids resent him because it’s clear that’s all he cares about. I wouldn’t base my life decisions on whether my children will find my life more impressive than my DH’s. I think that has more to do with how personalities connect, and different kids with certain interests or ambitions might have connected more with this PP and her former career.

[Anonymous]

You won’t regret it. It goes by so fast, and you are the only one who can provide this care for your children. Just make sure you have a good 50,000 or so tucked away in case your partner flakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest is now in high school and I have witnessed many divorces, granted most divorces seem to have working moms. You don’t want to be left with no income.

I think a lot of SAHMs put up with close to untenable relationships because they cannot afford to divorce. You're seeing the divorces in the working moms because they have the resources and chutzpah to call the shots and get what they want out of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM and enjoy every minute of it. However, I would not have stayed home if we could not easily afford to do so. Spouse had to be 100% supportive and want you to stay home with kids.

You should also know that if you stay home, you have more time to spend money. That toddler will want to do music class or tot soccer. Moms will want to go out for coffee and lunch.

I thought I would go back to work when my youngest started elementary. When kids get older, that 1x per week soccer turns into 5-6 days of soccer.

You quit your job so you could drive your kid to soccer?

No, I quit my job to raise my kids. My husband earns a seven figure income so we can easily afford for me to stay home.

You must have younger kids. Whether it is soccer or gymnastics or tennis or basketball, the kids start playing more frequently the better they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest is now in high school and I have witnessed many divorces, granted most divorces seem to have working moms. You don’t want to be left with no income.

I think a lot of SAHMs put up with close to untenable relationships because they cannot afford to divorce. You're seeing the divorces in the working moms because they have the resources and chutzpah to call the shots and get what they want out of life.

Counterpoint: I've had phases where I've been between jobs for a few months. It's been good for my marriage in many ways and we definitely manage to talk more about things other than logistics, which is a huge chunk of conversation when I am working. But this has never been long term for me and I know I have options, so I am probably more the working mom in this scenario than the SAHM. Just saying that not working frees up some space in my head to make my life more pleasant in some ways, including being able to be nicer to my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM and enjoy every minute of it. However, I would not have stayed home if we could not easily afford to do so. Spouse had to be 100% supportive and want you to stay home with kids.

You should also know that if you stay home, you have more time to spend money. That toddler will want to do music class or tot soccer. Moms will want to go out for coffee and lunch.

I thought I would go back to work when my youngest started elementary. When kids get older, that 1x per week soccer turns into 5-6 days of soccer.

You quit your job so you could drive your kid to soccer?

No, I quit my job to raise my kids. My husband earns a seven figure income so we can easily afford for me to stay home.

You must have younger kids. Whether it is soccer or gymnastics or tennis or basketball, the kids start playing more frequently the better they are.

I am a NP and have older kids. Not all kids end up playing sports intensely. Many don't. Whole big world out there.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't feel comfortable only having one person working unless you have some other savings, income stream. I grew up with a single mother who stayed at home. When my dad left, we went up s&*t's creek. If it weren't for my grandparents, I don't know what we would've done. So... I'm risk averse because of it.

[Anonymous]

I'd never force my 5 year old to move because mommy doesn't want to work anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd never force my 5 year old to move because mommy doesn't want to work anymore.

Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wanted to make a plug for taking it down several notches in as many areas of your life that you can but especially with your kids' extracurriculars and school stuff. Your kid is 5.

I read the book "Never Enough" recently and highly recommend it. You're not quite there yet because your kids are so young but you're not far off. It goes into the dangers of pushing your kids, pushing yourself, etc and making everyone miserable and lost in the process. Made a huge impact on me as a parent of slightly older kids.

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/never-enough-jennifer-breheny-wallace/1142779009

+1 to this book recommendation. It should be required reading for everyone on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

No regrets for us. A few things to take into consideration.

- I have a very good marriage. DH is loyal, hard working, will never cheat, will never divorce. We also come from intact marriages. Family (including extended) is very close knit. Kids are everything for us.

- DH made sure that we were heavily insured so if anything happened to him we would have been multi-millionairs and I would never ever have to go back to working, while maintaining a very good lifestyle.

- I am very well educated and qualified and I would have been able to get some white-collar job in a pinch.

- My family and social circle appreciated a SAHM and I did not have to face any kind of negative comments

- I was able to afford cleaning lady, landscaper, kids EC activities, tutors, travelling for competitions and tournaments etc easily and did not feel the pinch of vanished paycheck.

- I don't get FOMO. DH is a devoted dad and likes to spend his time with me and kids.

- I have some money of my own and DH and I will both inherit a modest amount from our parents.

- We do not have pre-nup etc. We both have our names on all assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd never force my 5 year old to move because mommy doesn't want to work anymore.

Troll.

Not a troll, that's exactly what OP wants to do.