When someone tells you they are not available ever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That often is us. It is not that we hate you or even dislike you. It does mean we really are fully booked at present -- and at least for the next few months.

We work OOH. We juggle children, school runs, afterschool commitments, church commitments (and we sometimes cannot manage to get to church if someone at home is sick), have meals ready on time, laundry done, basic housekeeping, and keeping groceries and such stocked.

This is us too. I don't have a single weekend free. We have out of town tournaments, etc. We don't hate you or dislike you. But the truth is we don't love you. If we did, we'd find the time.

[Anonymous]

Yes this person is trying to let you know that at this point - she is just not interested in socializing.

Sad. 😔

[Anonymous]

It appears to be a dismissal, but there could be so many reasons for this. If you wait some time and reconfigure the activity you planned or the people in attendance (maybe you propose something one on one). It is my experience that people tend to get offended when you share your real reasons for not attending. So in order to escape the drama they will give you an excuse. I take it that you are not close enough to have a direct conversation about what the issue may be which prompts you to post here. If that is the case, maybe back off and engage others in the group.

[Anonymous]

I think it just means she isn’t interested in this activity and you should quit asking for dates for something she doesn’t want to do with that group. My level of availability differs depending on the task. I am available for coffee one on one with a friend. I am never available for a large party because I hate parties and won’t get any quality time with the host anyway, why waste precious social time doing something I hate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would take them at their word but also not take it personally. They have prioritized things other than getting together with you. It is what it is.

This is a major reason we have worked hard to cultivate and maintain a roster of family friends with kids. So on any given weekend, we can reach out to 2 or 3 and usually at least one will be up for a hang out, playdate, or group outing. And most of our friends have also cultivated other friends, so if we ever can't make an invite, it's okay and nothing hinges on our presence. So I'm never offended when people say they can't make it, and I also never feel guilty when we can't make it.

The “family play date” era is but a season - a sweet innocent time where parents drive the friend choices and kids activities are minimal.

[Anonymous]

What did people do in college? There were thousands of students with lots of time. Did they socialize with everyone? No, they became friends with people who understood each other. Sometimes it’s not personal: kids who come from broken homes understand each other better than kids who don’t. Sometimes it is personal: a kid who smells has a hard time making friends.

OP, you don’t understand this other mom, whether it’s her schedule or her management closes. You even wrote on an anonymous board about your confusion. You then, even suggested she wasn’t doing as well as you.

It sounds like other moms are interested in getting together with you. Focus your energy on them.

If it turns out it’s really her schedule, you’ll learn that soon, when she initiates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is a total blow off, right?

Friends are trying to get together and one friend basically said she is never available. Can’t offer one date for the rest of 2025. She has 3 kids as do I. We all have 2-3 kids.

Option 1: She doesn’t want to hang out with you.

Option 2: She has stuff going on that she doesn’t want to discuss with you. Possibly one of her kids has special needs that she is busy with.

Either way, not really your friend.

I have a special needs child who takes up huge amounts of time and attention. Just because I’m busy doesn’t mean I’m “not really your friend.” That’s incredibly offensive.

I had to realize that about myself and it was a hard truth to swallow. When I was in the thick of it with my kid, the people I let in were my friends. Even if it was five minutes of texting in between appointments. The people I never let in, weren’t my friends. They were acquaintances.

There are differences between relationships that have long periods of comfortable silence and those where all attempts at meaningful contact come from one party.

This woman never has time for OP.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are have an active social life, and I'm pretty sure we have weekends booked with plans, travel, and holiday stuff through the new year. If someone reached out to me and I wanted to see them, I would tell them just that and suggest we get together during the week or set a plan for a weekend in early 2026. If I were not that into them, I wouldn't offer an alternative and might be cagey about putting a date on the calendar at any time.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she didn't phrase it right - plan it without her and if she can make it, she'll be there but nothing looks good at the moment.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who moved to my town thinking we would hang out all the time. She is new here and needs friends; I have been here 25 years and am really busy. I have tried to say as kindly as I could before she moved and currently that I don't have time to hang out with my girlfriends all the time but she didn't want to hear me and didn't. So now when she asks I have no free time...which is that I have no free time for her.

Not saying that is the case here but maybe adopt a "let them" mentality and "let them" not hang out and you go have fun with people who are available and interested. Nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are have an active social life, and I'm pretty sure we have weekends booked with plans, travel, and holiday stuff through the new year. If someone reached out to me and I wanted to see them, I would tell them just that and suggest we get together during the week or set a plan for a weekend in early 2026. If I were not that into them, I wouldn't offer an alternative and might be cagey about putting a date on the calendar at any time.

Exactly this. I do tend to think OP's thinking is on-point...if the friend wanted to get together she would offer some alternative dates. If for no other reason than what it signals. It's a bit socially inept of you all not to understand how it sounds and what it signals when you just say you're booked the next three months, period the end. Friendships take a little effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am often that person. It means what it means. My kids are both in intense sports; I work 60hrs/week. I am a single parent. Our time is FULLY booked. If I do have free time, I want to zone out solo.

So you accept that you won’t have friends.

Friends how many of us have them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are have an active social life, and I'm pretty sure we have weekends booked with plans, travel, and holiday stuff through the new year. If someone reached out to me and I wanted to see them, I would tell them just that and suggest we get together during the week or set a plan for a weekend in early 2026. If I were not that into them, I wouldn't offer an alternative and might be cagey about putting a date on the calendar at any time.

Exactly this. I do tend to think OP's thinking is on-point...if the friend wanted to get together she would offer some alternative dates. If for no other reason than what it signals. It's a bit socially inept of you all not to understand how it sounds and what it signals when you just say you're booked the next three months, period the end. Friendships take a little effort.

Different things sound different to different people. Where I’m sure everyone can agree is that OP shouldn’t get stuck on this. Rather, move on.

[Anonymous]

Definitely move on from her. She either doesn't like you or is just not a social person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely move on from her. She either doesn't like you or is just not a social person.

Or she’s a wonderful person but it’s not meant to be.