How to frame burnout when needing to cancel on friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Power through. I’ve been in this predicament and feel better when I power through and am happy to be out with friends.

Same. I think you should go.

I'd want to know that my friend was struggling. Multiple cancellations would make me feel like she didn't care about me or our friendship and I may be inclined to step back to give space. I'd want to know how you really felt so I could be supportive or at least understanding.

If the worst case happens and being honest and spending time with your friends is miserable, you'll have more data for making a decision next time. But presumably you've stayed in touch with these friends for a reason. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you be honored to hear how a friend was truly doing?

This is what I would have said -- I am sad that it's turned into a FaceTime, but I hope it is helpful for you, OP. That would make me feel worse and more self-conscious.

[Anonymous]

they're so selfish and self-centering that they feel entitled to your time,

Wow. Just wow. They love you and want to spend time with you in real life. The horror!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I’d be too embarrassed to talk about anxiety.

Anxiety is either a real thing or the whole issue, it's all made up.

Adult friendships are all about giving one another grace.

[Anonymous]

you should go. it might make you feel better.

another option is to explain how you are feeling and ask if you can meet closer to your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my friends completely understood and we're doing a FaceTime call while they're at the restaurant!

So they’re going to bother everyone around them at the restaurant?

No, they're calling from the car on the way in.

You keep changing your story, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, already handled it ~ wimped-out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, already handled it ~ wimped-out

"wimped out"? That framing is fascinatingly off-kilter. You're burned out and need to cancel on longtime friends. So you wimped out? This isn't the military.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my friends completely understood and we're doing a FaceTime call while they're at the restaurant!

So they’re going to bother everyone around them at the restaurant?

No, they're calling from the car on the way in.

You keep changing your story, OP.

It's all a ruse!! Designed to keep everyone guessing!!

[Anonymous]

You can tell them you are fried and very stressed. Maybe try to go but warn them upfront you may not stay long...you might be surprised that they provide alot of support. Even if you can't go, you should level with them about what is going on...this is what good friends are for. I usually (not always) feel energized when hanging with good friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my friends completely understood and we're doing a FaceTime call while they're at the restaurant!

Ugh don't be the people who FaceTime in public!

[Anonymous]

At midlife, this is the name of the game -- accommodation and grace. There is a difference between a flaky acquaintance who sometimes backs out last minute and a longtime friend going through a rough patch. I don't need flaky acquaintances in my life, but for a good friend, I'd of course want the truth and would be fine with them canceling! (I may even be grateful to stay home!) We're dealing with aging parents, kids who need to be in 100 places, weird perimenopause issues, mental health, all sorts of things. Grace is the #1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friends are actually my friends, and not idiots, so they would understand if I told them the truth, and would want me to rest.

I'm honestly disturbed by how many people on this thread think getting your hair done and sucking it up is a solution. Either they've never known this particular kind of exhaustion (lucky them!), or they're so selfish and self-centering that they feel entitled to your time, even when the cost to you would be significant. That's not what I'd call a friend.

OP, just tell them the whole truth. You're on new meds, you haven't been sleeping, work had you hopping all last week, and you're burnt. If your friend responds like the tw@ upthread, well, they're not your friend. I would totally understand though, as would all of my social circle. I'd probably doordash you some takeout and offer to zoom visit, if you were feeling up to a virtual hangout, but leave you the eff alone if you just wanted to watch shows and decompress.

Lot of crappy "friends" on this thread though. Yikes.

I’m skeptical of all the power through posters, particularly given how antisocial so many responses typically are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would invite them to your house to eat take out and hang out and tell them how much you are struggling. Let them support you. Invite them in instead of pushing them away. Drop the need to appear functional or impressive.

Best answer!

No it is not the best answer. Coddling is the worst thing you can do for someone with anxiety.

I don’t believe that many posters here have actual friendships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would invite them to your house to eat take out and hang out and tell them how much you are struggling. Let them support you. Invite them in instead of pushing them away. Drop the need to appear functional or impressive.

Best answer!

No it is not the best answer. Coddling is the worst thing you can do for someone with anxiety.

I don’t believe that many posters here have actual friendships

Honestly, same.

[Anonymous]

Look at OP's title post. It was about "the right words", how to "frame" the message. As if the right words will matter, make it better. It's not words, it's actions. So tired of "introvert" and "anxiety" as a crutch. It's a horrible learned behavior. Learned from a parent, likely, this, "I must be accommodated, I'm so special and fragile."

Get your sh*t together. Decide to deal with adult life. These friends, Op clearly doesn't prioritize them.