(Vacation wife) Help. Spiraling.

[Anonymous]

Just reminding you of what you said in your last thread:

"OP here- I would never never have him live in the basement. That would be so toxic for all of us."

[Anonymous]

He needs to move in with his family. And get them to pay for his DUI garbage.

[Anonymous]

Be careful OP about any help you offer that you are not required to provide. Tho g about a DUI is that depending on his like of work, it could be difficult or impossible to find another job making him reliable on you for way longer than you had intended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- everyone saying it's not my problem. I understand he is not my problem but in my mind, stability for my children is my problem. For example, if he moves to a studio far away and can't drive, then does he stop having custody of the kids? That would be so traumatic for them.

I have all my savings. He drained his savings to pay for his dui.

Look, if you wanted to take care of him, you should have stayed married. Right now you need to focus on YOUR household which is you and your children.

Inviting an unemployed man with a DUI move into your basement is a horrible life decision.

Taking your child out of daycare to stay with an unemployed man with a DUI is a terrible life decision.

The above are not controversial. They’re not opinions. You need to make sure you’re financially separate from this man and focus on YOU. And your children’s unemployed, alcoholic father with a DUI sees them a little less while he gets his shit together, that’s not a bad thing.

Make an appointment with a lawyer NOW to talk about your divorce options. But for the love of god, do not let this man keep dragging you down.

Yes to all but especially the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Time for some tough love OP, so here it is:

I checked the date of your first post. It was January 3 of 2023. It’s now September 2nd 2025 and you’re spiraling because of this man.

Drop him.

And I mean that. Yes he’s the father of your children. You’re not cutting off their relationship. He is perfectly capable of maintaining some kind of relationship with those kids, be it from a distance, or when he gets his life together, in person. But you need to drop him. All of it. The finances with him, the investment that you have and how much he’s exercising, just all of it. You’re codependent with him and he’s going drag you down.

Keep your house. Your mortgage and rate are great.
Kids go to public school.
529’s are defunct until insurance and your retirement are shorted up.
Delay the divorce until you can pay for an atty.
That’s it.

Last thing: drop the boyfriend. I actually gasped out loud when I read that you’re trying to date through all of this. I’m honestly not sure what’s going on there, but that is a symptom of unhealthy choices. You do not have to bandwidth for a boyfriend right now. And I say that as another single mom who understands the need for companionship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- everyone saying it's not my problem. I understand he is not my problem but in my mind, stability for my children is my problem. For example, if he moves to a studio far away and can't drive, then does he stop having custody of the kids? That would be so traumatic for them.

I have all my savings. He drained his savings to pay for his dui.

The kids will adjust and if it causes them distress, that is HIS fault. I feel like it would help you a little to be a little more objective here. Yes, his actions could hurt the kids. Try to think of that as if they had an accident that caused them physical pain. You cannot stop the accident from having happened. All you can do is support them through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- everyone saying it's not my problem. I understand he is not my problem but in my mind, stability for my children is my problem. For example, if he moves to a studio far away and can't drive, then does he stop having custody of the kids? That would be so traumatic for them.

I have all my savings. He drained his savings to pay for his dui.

The kids will adjust and if it causes them distress, that is HIS fault. I feel like it would help you a little to be a little more objective here. Yes, his actions could hurt the kids. Try to think of that as if they had an accident that caused them physical pain. You cannot stop the accident from having happened. All you can do is support them through it.

DP, but I'd also add that it's good for children to see that actions have consequences. Their dad f***ed up, is being punished for it, and will hopefully make it right. Trying to lie to them and shield them from his OWN actions is kind of messed up.

[Anonymous]

The dude cheated on you for three years. Don’t you dare solve his problems for him. He forfeited that right an awfully long time ago.

Solve the problems with the kids when they happen. Right now, his problems are his to solve. When you see how he solves them you can brainstorm about how to make it best for your kids.

[Anonymous]

New poster, and I’m sorry to say this, but even if it’s true he hasn’t had a drink since his DUI, a layoff is the kind of thing that could trigger a relapse. The psychological blow of it, plus not having a need to get up in the morning.

If your current custody arrangement has him with unaccompanied custody for a significant amount of time, that probably isn’t a good idea right now, if you can work out a change.

[Anonymous]

"Stability for the children"? Don't make me laugh. You're the one who can't let go. Your children's father is in a self-destructive spiral. Don't you dare let him near your kids. You are their mother and you owe them safety first. They'll be fine if they never see him again, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Stability for the children"? Don't make me laugh. You're the one who can't let go. Your children's father is in a self-destructive spiral. Don't you dare let him near your kids. You are their mother and you owe them safety first. They'll be fine if they never see him again, OP!

Seriously, what kind of example is this setting for these kids? An alcoholic cheater who can't keep a wife, drivers license or job. Yeah that's the person I want caring for my children!

[Anonymous]

Woman let go of that man already.
Seriously whatttttt ELSE does that man need to do so you can free yourself?

Include therapy ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you get insurance through your company OP?

They don't offer it

What kind of job do you have that pays over $100k but doesn’t offer access to health insurance?

Software company with 40 employees. It's only required to be offered by companies with 50 or more employees.

This sounds fake in less you are a contractor. They all offer benefits.

Nope, 17 employees, no health insurance here either. We looked into it and it was too expensive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you get insurance through your company OP?

They don't offer it

What kind of job do you have that pays over $100k but doesn’t offer access to health insurance?

Software company with 40 employees. It's only required to be offered by companies with 50 or more employees.

This sounds fake in less you are a contractor. They all offer benefits.

Nope, 17 employees, no health insurance here either. We looked into it and it was too expensive

+1. I've worked for small.and medium-sized businesses most of my life. Many don't offer insurance. OP should look into the exchange. Maybe COBRA for the kids if her ex's insurance is a lot better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time for some tough love OP, so here it is:

I checked the date of your first post. It was January 3 of 2023. It’s now September 2nd 2025 and you’re spiraling because of this man.

Drop him.

And I mean that. Yes he’s the father of your children. You’re not cutting off their relationship. He is perfectly capable of maintaining some kind of relationship with those kids, be it from a distance, or when he gets his life together, in person. But you need to drop him. All of it. The finances with him, the investment that you have and how much he’s exercising, just all of it. You’re codependent with him and he’s going drag you down.

Keep your house. Your mortgage and rate are great.
Kids go to public school.
529’s are defunct until insurance and your retirement are shorted up.
Delay the divorce until you can pay for an atty.
That’s it.

Last thing: drop the boyfriend. I actually gasped out loud when I read that you’re trying to date through all of this. I’m honestly not sure what’s going on there, but that is a symptom of unhealthy choices. You do not have to bandwidth for a boyfriend right now. And I say that as another single mom who understands the need for companionship.

Good advice.