(Vacation wife) Help. Spiraling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Lord this man is the (non) gift that just keeps on giving.
I would rent the house out to somebody else, not to your ex. He doesn’t deserve that grace. You are a better person than him for even considering it, but I would set boundaries right now.

Ya, just be careful with kids at home Maybe an older, single woman would be fine. Maybe she would even do some of the driving for OP in exchange for reduced rent.

She sounds like she's in a really good position if she wanted to hire an au pair or get a grad student who wants cheap rent in exchange for driving and helping out with the kids.

[Anonymous]

You need to see a lawyer.

It could be more beneficial to try to get full custody now (with weekend visitation for him.) If you push through with the divorce, the courts are still using last years’ taxes for his income. If you keep waiting to get the divorce you could end up paying him astronomical child support if he remains unemployed. Be careful.

Rip off the band aid.

Get full custody and get your divorce finalized.

[Anonymous]

Stop contributing to the 529s at this time.

Do not pull your child out of daycare. You know your ex is unreliable and what will you do when you need to get her back in daycare? They will have filled the spot and you won't be able to get in and you will be in a bind.

Do not move your ex in to the basement. The fact that you've even floated this idea points to how enmeshed you still are with him.

Given that, how did you find a boyfriend and when do you have time for him? Any man who wants to date you with this mess is someone who likely has questionable judgment himself. You could be setting yourself for the next dramatic relationship fallout.

[Anonymous]

Any man who wants to date you with this mess is someone who likely has questionable judgment himself.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time for some tough love OP, so here it is:

I checked the date of your first post. It was January 3 of 2023. It’s now September 2nd 2025 and you’re spiraling because of this man.

Drop him.

And I mean that. Yes he’s the father of your children. You’re not cutting off their relationship. He is perfectly capable of maintaining some kind of relationship with those kids, be it from a distance, or when he gets his life together, in person. But you need to drop him. All of it. The finances with him, the investment that you have and how much he’s exercising, just all of it. You’re codependent with him and he’s going drag you down.

Keep your house. Your mortgage and rate are great.
Kids go to public school.
529’s are defunct until insurance and your retirement are shorted up.
Delay the divorce until you can pay for an atty.
That’s it.

Last thing: drop the boyfriend. I actually gasped out loud when I read that you’re trying to date through all of this. I’m honestly not sure what’s going on there, but that is a symptom of unhealthy choices. You do not have to bandwidth for a boyfriend right now. And I say that as another single mom who understands the need for companionship.

+1M

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time for some tough love OP, so here it is:

I checked the date of your first post. It was January 3 of 2023. It’s now September 2nd 2025 and you’re spiraling because of this man.

Drop him.

And I mean that. Yes he’s the father of your children. You’re not cutting off their relationship. He is perfectly capable of maintaining some kind of relationship with those kids, be it from a distance, or when he gets his life together, in person. But you need to drop him. All of it. The finances with him, the investment that you have and how much he’s exercising, just all of it. You’re codependent with him and he’s going drag you down.

Keep your house. Your mortgage and rate are great.
Kids go to public school.
529’s are defunct until insurance and your retirement are shorted up.
Delay the divorce until you can pay for an atty.
That’s it.

Last thing: drop the boyfriend. I actually gasped out loud when I read that you’re trying to date through all of this. I’m honestly not sure what’s going on there, but that is a symptom of unhealthy choices. You do not have to bandwidth for a boyfriend right now. And I say that as another single mom who understands the need for companionship.

Don’t worry. The boyfriend will show himself out once he sees this mess.

[Anonymous]

Lady, I have read all of your posts. The sooner this guy is no longer your husband, the better. Talk to your lawyer about how his job loss affects your financial obligations.

DO NOT LET HIM MOVE INTO YOUR HOUSE.

Put on your own oxygen mask first, then the kids. Your STBX is on his own.

[Anonymous]

You can buy insurance for you and the kids. He isn't your problem. He should easily be able to find a job/jobs that net him 12-1500/week. Which would be enough to cover his rent and basic living expenses. The DUI isn't your issue.
You need to physically, mentally, emotionally separate from him. He is the father of your children, that is it. You don't need to be rude, but only engage as needed for the kids.

Guy here, if that matters.

[Anonymous]

Why are you still sharing accounts?! Surely your attorney has advised against that! Also, what is your plan for health insurance? Once the ink is dry, you won't be on his plan anymore, regardless of his loss of job. He needs a new job pronto, there's no way he didn't know that a lay off was a possibility and should have his resume already on peoples desks

[Anonymous]

Look at free healthcare for the minor children through your state. Maryland has free healthcare for minor children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at free healthcare for the minor children through your state. Maryland has free healthcare for minor children.

In a household of 3 with $130K income?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I doubt he will be awarded child support and alimony. He will sort himself out. You probably do need to downsize as most divorced families downsize from the family home.

There is no downsizing. My mortgage for a 5bd/2ba home in our great school district is $2300/m at 2.95%. I couldn't even rent a 2bd/1ba for that now.

But if you rent out that house you’ll cover the mortgage and the rent on the new 2 bd apartment.

You are a family of 3 with a $130K income. You need to live like that and build a life you can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

Lol welcome to the club. A lot of us ex DHs have been paying extremely high child support and alimony to ex's some of whom choose to remain underpaid and the courts don't care.

As more and more women take on the burden a lot of men have been taking on we will see changes because women will use their emotions to change the system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to pay allimony and that will help with his rent. You kicked him out, he cannot just break his lease and move back.

Don't listen to internet comments like this - talk to your attorney. A man previously the higher earner but lost his job after a legal separation, but 3 months before a divorce is finalized, is unlikely to be awarded alimony. A quick call with your attorney should clear this up.

Lol. You see guys how women act when the roles are reversed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.

Lol welcome to the club. A lot of us ex DHs have been paying extremely high child support and alimony to ex's some of whom choose to remain underpaid and the courts don't care.

As more and more women take on the burden a lot of men have been taking on we will see changes because women will use their emotions to change the system.

How could anyone leave a great guy like you?

Yes women have so much power to change the system, just ask Presidents Kamala Harris and Hillary Clinton. 🙄🙄🙄