College freshmen and HS relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is in his junior year of college and still with his hs gf. They get along well and seem to be on the same page. They met fall of hs senior year and stayed together while at different schools (GF attends comm college). DS genuinely loves her and isn’t the type to date tons of girls at once. He likes being in a relationship.

From a missed opportunity stand point, I don’t think DS is missing out on much. GF is gorgeous and DS attends a high academic school. GF is prettier than 99% of the women at his school. DS is very studious and has a very demanding major (engineering). They see each other about once a month. GF lived with him during his summer internships. They are not discussing marriage and practice safe sex.

It's concerning that this poster seems to think that women's value is in their looks, and while there may be financial, personal or sound academic reasons why the GF is at comm. college, the vibe of the above message implies that she is not on the same intellectual wavelength as DS (and to be clear, I mean not that DS and his girlfriend have different strengths--e.g. one is mathematical while the other is musical--but that the DS is clearly smarter than his GF). It's 2025: everyone (and their parents) should want an equal partner for themselves/for their kids.

Men who want life partner just want someone who is good looking, kind, and supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. If it’s a mistake, he’ll figure it out.

He’s not going to say later, mom, why didn’t you warn me? Last thing on his mind.

You don’t have a role here.

I know. I don't want a role at all but he is venting to me. All I tell him is that his feelings are valid but he has to take action, decide what he wants his life to look like, and put his foot down to her if he wants things to chance.

Luckily he has a counseling appointment this week.

His counselor will be a woman, and therefore, the worst possible source of advice for him on how to handle his relationship.

If he joins a FRATERNITY like he should, he'll have 50-100 counselors in the form of older actives who've walked in his shoes.

Not sure frat bros provide good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. If it’s a mistake, he’ll figure it out.

He’s not going to say later, mom, why didn’t you warn me? Last thing on his mind.

You don’t have a role here.

I know. I don't want a role at all but he is venting to me. All I tell him is that his feelings are valid but he has to take action, decide what he wants his life to look like, and put his foot down to her if he wants things to chance.

Luckily he has a counseling appointment this week.

This is it, 100%. You're doing great!

He trusts you enough to be vulnerable and share what's going on.

You're validating his feelings and encouraging him to reflect on who he is and what he wants and values.

You're offering advice that is minimal but yet practical and exactly on point.

And he's set up an appointment to speak with a counselor, which tells me three things: He's mature enough to know when he needs extra help, he's not too overwhelmed to seek it out, and obviously, he's not dependent on you.

To me, this is the DREAM scenario for an 18 year old who has just started college and is struggling with a big challenge that feels overwhelming to them in the moment.

Rather than numbing out, sucking it up, or falling apart, he's working through this in a mature way. My guess is he'll come through it just fine - and with some new awareness and clarity that will only help him in future relationships (romantic and otherwise).

Cheers to you both, and fingers crossed that it plays out sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update. He seems to have put his foot down and explained (since it wasn't obvious to her) that his life is different now and she needs to back off and chill out so he can get settled in and no he doesn't have all the answers to her concerns and questions. So yeah this will be a process but at least he is learning. He definitely has some co-dependent traits to deal with which is why he is in a relationship like this in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. If it’s a mistake, he’ll figure it out.

He’s not going to say later, mom, why didn’t you warn me? Last thing on his mind.

You don’t have a role here.

I know. I don't want a role at all but he is venting to me. All I tell him is that his feelings are valid but he has to take action, decide what he wants his life to look like, and put his foot down to her if he wants things to chance.

Luckily he has a counseling appointment this week.

This is it, 100%. You're doing great!

He trusts you enough to be vulnerable and share what's going on.

You're validating his feelings and encouraging him to reflect on who he is and what he wants and values.

You're offering advice that is minimal but yet practical and exactly on point.

And he's set up an appointment to speak with a counselor, which tells me three things: He's mature enough to know when he needs extra help, he's not too overwhelmed to seek it out, and obviously, he's not dependent on you.

To me, this is the DREAM scenario for an 18 year old who has just started college and is struggling with a big challenge that feels overwhelming to them in the moment.

Rather than numbing out, sucking it up, or falling apart, he's working through this in a mature way. My guess is he'll come through it just fine - and with some new awareness and clarity that will only help him in future relationships (romantic and otherwise).

Cheers to you both, and fingers crossed that it plays out sooner rather than later.

Thank you so much!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. He seems to have put his foot down and explained (since it wasn't obvious to her) that his life is different now and she needs to back off and chill out so he can get settled in and no he doesn't have all the answers to her concerns and questions. So yeah this will be a process but at least he is learning. He definitely has some co-dependent traits to deal with which is why he is in a relationship like this in the first place.

He needs to DUMP HER. When does rush start?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. He seems to have put his foot down and explained (since it wasn't obvious to her) that his life is different now and she needs to back off and chill out so he can get settled in and no he doesn't have all the answers to her concerns and questions. So yeah this will be a process but at least he is learning. He definitely has some co-dependent traits to deal with which is why he is in a relationship like this in the first place.

Good. They are both going through a transition period right now and a relationship shouldn't be making it harder. It's important to be flexible and establish new expectations. Maybe it will work out and maybe it won't. Either way, it's a learning experience which should help him mature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. He seems to have put his foot down and explained (since it wasn't obvious to her) that his life is different now and she needs to back off and chill out so he can get settled in and no he doesn't have all the answers to her concerns and questions. So yeah this will be a process but at least he is learning. He definitely has some co-dependent traits to deal with which is why he is in a relationship like this in the first place.

That's very good but he will soon learn, if he hasn't already, that putting your foot down and telling women "no" is a never-ending process, a woman will always be back the next day testing you again and wanting something else, like a constant water torture of demands with the irony that she will hate you if you give in, it's totally exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. He seems to have put his foot down and explained (since it wasn't obvious to her) that his life is different now and she needs to back off and chill out so he can get settled in and no he doesn't have all the answers to her concerns and questions. So yeah this will be a process but at least he is learning. He definitely has some co-dependent traits to deal with which is why he is in a relationship like this in the first place.

Bravo, OP. Bravo. Sounds like you raised a kid with a good head on his shoulders.