College freshmen and HS relationships

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting this OP. My freshman son is also in a relationship and we have no idea what to expect. They started dating last fall and it was really chill all year because they were both so busy with grades, sports, college applications, graduation, etc. But then summer came and they spent the entire 3 months together and grew super close and left for college as best friends. She left a week ago and he will leave in a bit (quarter system school). So far they decided to stay together but I have no idea what will happen. I really like her and their relationship--they each have very strong friendships of the same gender and are not possessive of each other's time. However, I would never have chosen for my kid to go to college with a significant other. I think it really changes the freshman year experience for the worse. However, I think it's really hard for couples to break up after having a whole summer together and also--they are physically involved. And frankly I'm sure it's really hard for a boy to turn away from access to sex (not right now as they're apart but the knowledge that it will happen at Thanksgiving, etc.)

My son does have two friends who are dating really possessive girls. They did not allow their boyfriends to talk to other girls in high school, they track their locations now in college, etc. I get where they are coming from (i was insecure at times too) but it's got to be hard on the guys. I am fascinated to see how long some of these relationships last. These are boys that I've known since they were 2 and 3 years old respectively so while I'm not their parent I really care for them and feel vested in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m sorry I wasn’t clear. I’m definitely trying to be a good listener (to a point.) Not really asking for advice. Just wanting to hear stories about kids this age who figured it out. Because my kid is really stuck.

Also to clarify, his girlfriend has graduated but she’s not going to college. At least not right now. So she has no concept of what his life is like right now.

Not the advice you’re asking, but I’d have the condom talk with your kid again and remind him that he is responsible for his own birth control, every time and with no exceptions. This kind of directionless girlfriend is the exact kind of girlfriend who “forgets” to take her birth control. She’s got nothing to lose.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Kids are so controlling in relationships these days. He needs to dump her!!!!

Encourage him.

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend was a year older, so I was a senior in HS when he left for college. Then the next year, I started at a different college. Admittedly, it felt a little stiffing (socially) at times trying to maintain a long distance relationship while in college. But, we worked through it. Been happily married for almost 20 years now.


Not much you can do, OP. It will work or it won’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The location sharing seems like too much even though the gf is probably unfamiliar with the campus. I would ask questions. Is her texting/calling interfering with his studying, joining clubs or attending football games? Does she intend to visit him? He needs to decide when she is asking more of him than he is comfortable.

I don’t think the location sharing is the problem. The problem is her policing where she goes. If they are saying he should be okay with her knowing that he went to a frat party or was out getting pizza at midnight or was sitting on the quad all Saturday or whatever. The problem is her giving him crap about doing normal college age stuff. Him wanting to turn off location sharing is just a symptom of the problem — he’s hiding stuff from her so she won’t get mad. That’s the real problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if she were going to college, if it’s not the same college, gotta break up. LDRs never work. Should have torn off the band aid before he left.

Some work out. Some don't. This one described by OP will require some changes in expectations. I think it is probably easier when both are in college at the same time.

It’s not even close to equal chances of working / not working. Well over 90% not working. Smart move is to pull the plug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m sorry I wasn’t clear. I’m definitely trying to be a good listener (to a point.) Not really asking for advice. Just wanting to hear stories about kids this age who figured it out. Because my kid is really stuck.

Also to clarify, his girlfriend has graduated but she’s not going to college. At least not right now. So she has no concept of what his life is like right now.

My son was in this same situation, and was 7 hrs away at a school on the quarter system....GF was working at a coffee shop back home. It ended like 5 weeks later.

[Anonymous]

They did not allow their boyfriends to talk to other girls in high school, they track their locations now in college, etc.

This is crazy and abusive, I am stunned their parents allowed their DS to be subjected to that. Their parents failed them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m sorry I wasn’t clear. I’m definitely trying to be a good listener (to a point.) Not really asking for advice. Just wanting to hear stories about kids this age who figured it out. Because my kid is really stuck.

Also to clarify, his girlfriend has graduated but she’s not going to college. At least not right now. So she has no concept of what his life is like right now.

OP it hasn't even been a week! If this is still happening in a month or two, maybe. But cmon as week isn't "stuck."

Land the helicopter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ds has barely been at college a week and he is already super stressed and distracted by the way his gf (still at home) his acting towards him. I knew this was going to happen and so did he for that matter. I knew because I have observed her as being controlling and manipulative and he knew because he just knew.

I left a boyfriend at home when I went to college and I remember how hard it was as I was trying to navigate and become my own new college self while figuring out it was ok to leave my high school self and that relationship behind. I am really trying to empathize with him there. But I think it would have been that much more difficult if there were smart phones and location sharing back then, which is the reality kids these age are dealing with. She has his location and is tracking his every move apparently. Last night she got upset that he went to a fraternity party. This is not sustainable, clearly, but he doesn't want to deal with the drama that will happen if he tells her he is turning the location off (even if it is healthier for both of them.) He is not even close to willing to break up with her (yet.)

I need to hear stories of others with kids in this situation and how it got better for them. I am only asking because he is asking for my help and advice. I would rather not be involved.

Normally its the girlfriend sitting at home that is stressed.

Tell him to go outside and make new friends. College is a good time to evolve into new relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if she were going to college, if it’s not the same college, gotta break up. LDRs never work. Should have torn off the band aid before he left.

Some work out. Some don't. This one described by OP will require some changes in expectations. I think it is probably easier when both are in college at the same time.

It’s not even close to equal chances of working / not working. Well over 90% not working. Smart move is to pull the plug.

Not that it really matters, but my kid read up a lot on how to keep a LD relationship strong in college and your numbers are off. Most sources say 60% survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for posting this OP. My freshman son is also in a relationship and we have no idea what to expect. They started dating last fall and it was really chill all year because they were both so busy with grades, sports, college applications, graduation, etc. But then summer came and they spent the entire 3 months together and grew super close and left for college as best friends. She left a week ago and he will leave in a bit (quarter system school). So far they decided to stay together but I have no idea what will happen. I really like her and their relationship--they each have very strong friendships of the same gender and are not possessive of each other's time. However, I would never have chosen for my kid to go to college with a significant other. I think it really changes the freshman year experience for the worse. However, I think it's really hard for couples to break up after having a whole summer together and also--they are physically involved. And frankly I'm sure it's really hard for a boy to turn away from access to sex (not right now as they're apart but the knowledge that it will happen at Thanksgiving, etc.)

My son does have two friends who are dating really possessive girls. They did not allow their boyfriends to talk to other girls in high school, they track their locations now in college, etc. I get where they are coming from (i was insecure at times too) but it's got to be hard on the guys. I am fascinated to see how long some of these relationships last. These are boys that I've known since they were 2 and 3 years old respectively so while I'm not their parent I really care for them and feel vested in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Shoot, I was trying to reply to the above. Thanks for sharing. One of my kids is in a similar friend group -- lots of couples -- and it seems like a lot of things reshuffled over summer. I agree with you that a pre-existing relationship is NOT a great thing in freshman year. But, they have to figure it out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if she were going to college, if it’s not the same college, gotta break up. LDRs never work. Should have torn off the band aid before he left.

Some work out. Some don't. This one described by OP will require some changes in expectations. I think it is probably easier when both are in college at the same time.

It’s not even close to equal chances of working / not working. Well over 90% not working. Smart move is to pull the plug.

I can only hope! - op

[Anonymous]

Something for OP to keep in mind is that it's much more likely for her to dump him than for him to dump her. In the very nature of things, she is going to be approached by boys and eventually she will say yes to one of them. Meanwhile, it's very easy for him to sit there and cling to the idea of this "relationship" rather than exert himself to find another girlfriend. It is much healthier for him to proactively break up with her and seek other women (if that's what he wants) than to sit there and wait to get dumped. Always hurts a lot more to get dumped than to do the dumping. You owe it to him to tell him this. Have his dad tell him, his dad knows this.