College freshmen and HS relationships

[Anonymous]

My ds has barely been at college a week and he is already super stressed and distracted by the way his gf (still at home) his acting towards him. I knew this was going to happen and so did he for that matter. I knew because I have observed her as being controlling and manipulative and he knew because he just knew.

I left a boyfriend at home when I went to college and I remember how hard it was as I was trying to navigate and become my own new college self while figuring out it was ok to leave my high school self and that relationship behind. I am really trying to empathize with him there. But I think it would have been that much more difficult if there were smart phones and location sharing back then, which is the reality kids these age are dealing with. She has his location and is tracking his every move apparently. Last night she got upset that he went to a fraternity party. This is not sustainable, clearly, but he doesn't want to deal with the drama that will happen if he tells her he is turning the location off (even if it is healthier for both of them.) He is not even close to willing to break up with her (yet.)

I need to hear stories of others with kids in this situation and how it got better for them. I am only asking because he is asking for my help and advice. I would rather not be involved.

[Anonymous]

lol You can't do anything. Just be a good listener when needed to be.

Why you think others would want to share their DCs' stories? Extremely private.

[Anonymous]

There’s really not much you can do. Hopefully when she starts school, she will have less time.

My DD and her boyfriend also share locations and FT a lot after they get back to their dorms at night. I don’t have any sense as to whether it will last but I do expect that contact will decrease as they have both serious sports and academic commitments.

I guess the big concern is whether the relationships will affect academics and/or sports and if so how will they deal with it. But in the end, us parents can’t do anything except be supportive and remind our kids that grades matter.

Honestly though, I’d be a lot less happy
About a frat party than GF issues.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’m sorry I wasn’t clear. I’m definitely trying to be a good listener (to a point.) Not really asking for advice. Just wanting to hear stories about kids this age who figured it out. Because my kid is really stuck.

Also to clarify, his girlfriend has graduated but she’s not going to college. At least not right now. So she has no concept of what his life is like right now.

[Anonymous]

DS said his friend was in a relationship like this his first year. They had to talk daily. He broke it off this summer, apparently from much counseling by DS and his other friend.

Tell him to talk to his friends. My other DS hates his BFF’s GF and he told me he and his roommate has told him.

All I gather from this is is that it sounds like guys don’t hold back, so maybe he should talk to his friends instead of you.

[Anonymous]

It clearly won't work out - she sounds like an insecure hot mess, but adding in there's also a difference in maturity, independence, and it's just a totally different world once you're in college.

He might as well break it off now and save everyone the drama.

Fwiw, my bf went to college and I was still in HS. Obviously, way before cell phones and trackers and social media, but from the few conversations I had (when he finally answered his dorm room phone) with him we just had nothing in common anymore. He didn't care about my HS classes/teachers/gossip, I didn't understand anything about his campus life or roommates, wasn't interested in receiving a care package from me, etc.

It was hard lesson for me. Totally crushed, but felt a bit free since it was a huge effort to try to make something work that really didn't.

[Anonymous]

This is really common. In general, the breakup will happen by Thanksgiving, if not sooner. It’s a good lesson for a kid to learn and you can support them by listening and being a source of support for them as they figure it out and make their own decisions.

[Anonymous]

I would treat this a little like a friend who was involved with a guy that is bad news.
Just affirm for them that they are acting reasonably. Don’t say bad things about her, just good things about him (you deserve to have some fun your freshman year, it’s good for your mental health to get out and meet people, it will never br as easy to make friends as it will be this semester, etc.). Affirm his self worth and he will be less likely to put up with this nonsense. I’m sure his new friends at college are telling him she’s being unreasonable. Agree with others that Thanksgiving or maybe winter break is when these things usually fall apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would treat this a little like a friend who was involved with a guy that is bad news.
Just affirm for them that they are acting reasonably. Don’t say bad things about her, just good things about him (you deserve to have some fun your freshman year, it’s good for your mental health to get out and meet people, it will never br as easy to make friends as it will be this semester, etc.). Affirm his self worth and he will be less likely to put up with this nonsense. I’m sure his new friends at college are telling him she’s being unreasonable. Agree with others that Thanksgiving or maybe winter break is when these things usually fall apart.

That’s pretty good advice. Although he’s not at the point where he has college friends telling him that. He’s been there a week. His high school friends have made comments, but he actually dropped one because of it.

[Anonymous]

Suspicious gf is right to fear hookups during the heady first weeks of college. My high school boyfriend took that path.

Doesn't mean they should stay together or not. But gf knows how it goes.

[Anonymous]

My son who is a college sophomore said every single one of his HS friends who left a significant other back home in HS broke up before or by Thanksgiving. My daughter is a senior in high school this year and several of her friends who were dating kids who were headed off to college broke up over the summer. My guess is he should just rip the bandaid off and tell her he needs space to navigate this next phase of his life and move on.

[Anonymous]

Did people see other timelines play out if both people in the relationship are in college, but at different schools? DC is in that situation and I'm just trying to be supportive and a good listener. They have one friend who has made long-distance work for a few years, so DC is very hopeful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son who is a college sophomore said every single one of his HS friends who left a significant other back home in HS broke up before or by Thanksgiving. My daughter is a senior in high school this year and several of her friends who were dating kids who were headed off to college broke up over the summer. My guess is he should just rip the bandaid off and tell her he needs space to navigate this next phase of his life and move on.

Well, he definitely should, but he’s not ready to do that at all.

I assume that he won’t do that until he really feels intrinsic motivation due to freshman FOMO when he is sitting around in his dorm worrying about making her upset vs going to live the life he wants to live.

It would be one thing if I felt like his girlfriend and relationship was “normal” or something, but she is a controlling and has issues and no I’m not just saying that. His dad and stepmom actually had an intervention with him earlier this spring about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really common. In general, the breakup will happen by Thanksgiving, if not sooner. It’s a good lesson for a kid to learn and you can support them by listening and being a source of support for them as they figure it out and make their own decisions.

Every relationship is different but this situation requires a lot of maturity and trust on both ends. In general, the breakups are due to jealousy and a lack of trust.

[Anonymous]

It would be easier to have broken up this summer. Why didn't he?