College freshmen and HS relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be easier to have broken up this summer. Why didn't he?

DP, but I’m assuming he didn’t want to. It sounds like he doesn’t want to now, either. Geez. Let the kid figure it out. He’ll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ds has barely been at college a week and he is already super stressed and distracted by the way his gf (still at home) his acting towards him. I knew this was going to happen and so did he for that matter. I knew because I have observed her as being controlling and manipulative and he knew because he just knew.

I left a boyfriend at home when I went to college and I remember how hard it was as I was trying to navigate and become my own new college self while figuring out it was ok to leave my high school self and that relationship behind. I am really trying to empathize with him there. But I think it would have been that much more difficult if there were smart phones and location sharing back then, which is the reality kids these age are dealing with. She has his location and is tracking his every move apparently. Last night she got upset that he went to a fraternity party. This is not sustainable, clearly, but he doesn't want to deal with the drama that will happen if he tells her he is turning the location off (even if it is healthier for both of them.) He is not even close to willing to break up with her (yet.)

I need to hear stories of others with kids in this situation and how it got better for them. I am only asking because he is asking for my help and advice. I would rather not be involved.

She needs to trust him and focus on herself and enjoy senior year. If she doesn't, it likely won't end well for their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be easier to have broken up this summer. Why didn't he?

Because he loves her and is attached. I wish it were not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ds has barely been at college a week and he is already super stressed and distracted by the way his gf (still at home) his acting towards him. I knew this was going to happen and so did he for that matter. I knew because I have observed her as being controlling and manipulative and he knew because he just knew.

I left a boyfriend at home when I went to college and I remember how hard it was as I was trying to navigate and become my own new college self while figuring out it was ok to leave my high school self and that relationship behind. I am really trying to empathize with him there. But I think it would have been that much more difficult if there were smart phones and location sharing back then, which is the reality kids these age are dealing with. She has his location and is tracking his every move apparently. Last night she got upset that he went to a fraternity party. This is not sustainable, clearly, but he doesn't want to deal with the drama that will happen if he tells her he is turning the location off (even if it is healthier for both of them.) He is not even close to willing to break up with her (yet.)

I need to hear stories of others with kids in this situation and how it got better for them. I am only asking because he is asking for my help and advice. I would rather not be involved.

She needs to trust him and focus on herself and enjoy senior year. If she doesn't, it likely won't end well for their relationship.

Yes we are all well aware, including him (though she has already graduated.)

[Anonymous]

He grows up and takes a stand. He realizes location sharing, for one thing, is ridiculous. He develops the guts to break up with her

Nothing you can do will speed this along. This is on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He grows up and takes a stand. He realizes location sharing, for one thing, is ridiculous. He develops the guts to break up with her

Nothing you can do will speed this along. This is on him.

Thanks for the gut check. I agree.

[Anonymous]

He will get here on his own. Point out healthy and unhealthy behaviours and encourage him to focus on college, classes, and friends. Give it another few weeks and midterms and a lot will change for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ds has barely been at college a week and he is already super stressed and distracted by the way his gf (still at home) his acting towards him. I knew this was going to happen and so did he for that matter. I knew because I have observed her as being controlling and manipulative and he knew because he just knew.

I left a boyfriend at home when I went to college and I remember how hard it was as I was trying to navigate and become my own new college self while figuring out it was ok to leave my high school self and that relationship behind. I am really trying to empathize with him there. But I think it would have been that much more difficult if there were smart phones and location sharing back then, which is the reality kids these age are dealing with. She has his location and is tracking his every move apparently. Last night she got upset that he went to a fraternity party. This is not sustainable, clearly, but he doesn't want to deal with the drama that will happen if he tells her he is turning the location off (even if it is healthier for both of them.) He is not even close to willing to break up with her (yet.)

I need to hear stories of others with kids in this situation and how it got better for them. I am only asking because he is asking for my help and advice. I would rather not be involved.

She needs to trust him and focus on herself and enjoy senior year. If she doesn't, it likely won't end well for their relationship.

Yes we are all well aware, including him (though she has already graduated.)

I hate to say it but if she's not in college and she already graduated, he will realize soon enough that their paths are not aligned. You can't tell him that though. He has to realize it on his own.

[Anonymous]

My DS(just graduated college) and his high school gf, both attended college locally and didn't last through the first semester. He met his current gf sophomore or junior year and they are still together.

My DD is a junior started a dating someone from a different school fall of senior year and they are going relatively strong. We in fact had a joint vacation with his immediate family this summer. They may be in it for the long haul. They also attend separate colleges that are a plane ride apart and far from home.

It honestly depends on the couple.

[Anonymous]

The location sharing seems like too much even though the gf is probably unfamiliar with the campus. I would ask questions. Is her texting/calling interfering with his studying, joining clubs or attending football games? Does she intend to visit him? He needs to decide when she is asking more of him than he is comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Even if she were going to college, if it’s not the same college, gotta break up. LDRs never work. Should have torn off the band aid before he left.

[Anonymous]

Encourage him to make an appointment at the college counseling center. It will be good to have the support in place when this inevitably becomes a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Encourage him to make an appointment at the college counseling center. It will be good to have the support in place when this inevitably becomes a problem.

He is actually already doing this on his own! So that is a positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if she were going to college, if it’s not the same college, gotta break up. LDRs never work. Should have torn off the band aid before he left.

Some work out. Some don't. This one described by OP will require some changes in expectations. I think it is probably easier when both are in college at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would treat this a little like a friend who was involved with a guy that is bad news.
Just affirm for them that they are acting reasonably. <b>Don’t say bad things about her, just good things about him (you deserve to have some fun your freshman year, it’s good for your mental health to get out and meet people, it will never br as easy to make friends as it will be this semester, etc.). </b>Affirm his self worth and he will be less likely to put up with this nonsense. I’m sure his new friends at college are telling him she’s being unreasonable. Agree with others that Thanksgiving or maybe winter break is when these things usually fall apart.

+1