College freshmen and HS relationships

[Anonymous]

OP my kid figured it out. She graduated HS in May in California and we moved to Europe. Her BF is staying in CA for college and probably his entire future.

I told her before we left that she had a choice because a long distance romance was literally not going to work. I said you can a) change to friends now and stay in touch or b) break up now and leave it a while, then become friends after your essential vocabulary has been given time to change - ie the language of friendship is understaood between you.

She chose b and they have not been in contact for 3 months. She has seen one or two photos of him on instagram. There's been no messaging.

And while the final night they saw each other there was much hugging and crying, there's actually been none since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is in his junior year of college and still with his hs gf. They get along well and seem to be on the same page. They met fall of hs senior year and stayed together while at different schools (GF attends comm college). DS genuinely loves her and isn’t the type to date tons of girls at once. He likes being in a relationship.

From a missed opportunity stand point, I don’t think DS is missing out on much. GF is gorgeous and DS attends a high academic school. GF is prettier than 99% of the women at his school. DS is very studious and has a very demanding major (engineering). They see each other about once a month. GF lived with him during his summer internships. They are not discussing marriage and practice safe sex.

It's concerning that this poster seems to think that women's value is in their looks, and while there may be financial, personal or sound academic reasons why the GF is at comm. college, the vibe of the above message implies that she is not on the same intellectual wavelength as DS (and to be clear, I mean not that DS and his girlfriend have different strengths--e.g. one is mathematical while the other is musical--but that the DS is clearly smarter than his GF). It's 2025: everyone (and their parents) should want an equal partner for themselves/for their kids.

yeah, that's a disgusting post. GF is a commodity and one whose only value is face value. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

DD had a suffocating relationship w BF who attended a school that was a few hours of car ride away. It was interfering w her club activities, time w friends and most importantly time for herself. BF wanted to occupy all of her non-class and non-study time. For DD, she felt she was losing herself in his “demands”. She broke it off after almost 6 months apart and the boy didn’t take it well. Blocked her on SM and such. Looking back DD feels she had dodged a bad situation.

[Anonymous]

Op. If it’s a mistake, he’ll figure it out.

He’s not going to say later, mom, why didn’t you warn me? Last thing on his mind.

You don’t have a role here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD had a suffocating relationship w BF who attended a school that was a few hours of car ride away. It was interfering w her club activities, time w friends and most importantly time for herself. BF wanted to occupy all of her non-class and non-study time. For DD, she felt she was losing herself in his “demands”. She broke it off after almost 6 months apart and the boy didn’t take it well. Blocked her on SM and such. Looking back DD feels she had dodged a bad situation.

When you break up they should be blocking each other on social media. Duh.

[Anonymous]

OP -- it all depends on the couple. I think in many ways it's easier for long-distance relationships to work these days because of FT, texting, etc. But, IME, it only works where both partners are independent, have their own lives, trust each other, etc. If there's clinginess, one partner is constantly making demands on the other, etc (which is the situation it sounds like your kid is in), it won't work. And, yes, being in this situation will likely impact your son's first year of college (my kid was in a similar situation). As others have said, however, just listen to your kid, support him, etc. Ultimately, my kid realized he didn't want to be in this type of relationship and broke up with his GF. But it did take a while...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- it all depends on the couple. I think in many ways it's easier for long-distance relationships to work these days because of FT, texting, etc. But, IME, it only works where both partners are independent, have their own lives, trust each other, etc. If there's clinginess, one partner is constantly making demands on the other, etc (which is the situation it sounds like your kid is in), it won't work. And, yes, being in this situation will likely impact your son's first year of college (my kid was in a similar situation). As others have said, however, just listen to your kid, support him, etc. Ultimately, my kid realized he didn't want to be in this type of relationship and broke up with his GF. But it did take a while...

I agree with so much of what has been said here. I have seen long distance relationships continue to work when the above conditions are met. One couple I know is going strong after three years because they have trust and open communication about their needs. Yes, having a significant other does impact some of the first year, but it’s not all necessarily bad depending upon the relationship. This couple was able to avoid the chaos of first year hook ups!

It doesn’t sound like the OP’s son is in this sort of relationship and he will figure that out on his own. But, there is hope for others. Not all long-distance relationships Are a bad idea

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ They are not discussing marriage and practice safe sex.”

It is cringe and creepy AF that you know this.

Eh. I’d like my kid to assure me she practices safe sex if and when she has a college boyfriend.

Are you going to help put the condom on and guide the lingam into the yoni as well?

Back off, let it go, helicopter mommy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. If it’s a mistake, he’ll figure it out.

He’s not going to say later, mom, why didn’t you warn me? Last thing on his mind.

You don’t have a role here.

I know. I don't want a role at all but he is venting to me. All I tell him is that his feelings are valid but he has to take action, decide what he wants his life to look like, and put his foot down to her if he wants things to chance.

Luckily he has a counseling appointment this week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. If it’s a mistake, he’ll figure it out.

He’s not going to say later, mom, why didn’t you warn me? Last thing on his mind.

You don’t have a role here.

I know. I don't want a role at all but he is venting to me. All I tell him is that his feelings are valid but he has to take action, decide what he wants his life to look like, and put his foot down to her if he wants things to chance.

Luckily he has a counseling appointment this week.

I don't know why some posters are telling you to back off. You don't have to give him step by step instructions but if he's reaching out to you, clearly he needs advice; and luckily he trusts you enough to go to you about it. Tell him that if he wants things to change, he needs to be honest with her on how he feels suffocated and controlled. Communication and honesty always win in relationships. Maybe she'll accept it or not, but he has to do his part and be transparent with her. And if she continues acting manipulative or play the victim card, then he has to make a decision on whether he wants to be in that kind of relationship or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. If it’s a mistake, he’ll figure it out.

He’s not going to say later, mom, why didn’t you warn me? Last thing on his mind.

You don’t have a role here.

I know. I don't want a role at all but he is venting to me. All I tell him is that his feelings are valid but he has to take action, decide what he wants his life to look like, and put his foot down to her if he wants things to chance.

Luckily he has a counseling appointment this week.

His counselor will be a woman, and therefore, the worst possible source of advice for him on how to handle his relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. If it’s a mistake, he’ll figure it out.

He’s not going to say later, mom, why didn’t you warn me? Last thing on his mind.

You don’t have a role here.

I know. I don't want a role at all but he is venting to me. All I tell him is that his feelings are valid but he has to take action, decide what he wants his life to look like, and put his foot down to her if he wants things to chance.

Luckily he has a counseling appointment this week.

His counselor will be a woman, and therefore, the worst possible source of advice for him on how to handle his relationship.

If he joins a FRATERNITY like he should, he'll have 50-100 counselors in the form of older actives who've walked in his shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD had a suffocating relationship w BF who attended a school that was a few hours of car ride away. It was interfering w her club activities, time w friends and most importantly time for herself. BF wanted to occupy all of her non-class and non-study time. For DD, she felt she was losing herself in his “demands”. She broke it off after almost 6 months apart and the boy didn’t take it well. Blocked her on SM and such. Looking back DD feels she had dodged a bad situation.

When you break up they should be blocking each other on social media. Duh.

Why so dramatic. The act of blocking is a “push” reaction that is unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. If it’s a mistake, he’ll figure it out.

He’s not going to say later, mom, why didn’t you warn me? Last thing on his mind.

You don’t have a role here.

I know. I don't want a role at all but he is venting to me. All I tell him is that his feelings are valid but he has to take action, decide what he wants his life to look like, and put his foot down to her if he wants things to chance.

Luckily he has a counseling appointment this week.

His counselor will be a woman, and therefore, the worst possible source of advice for him on how to handle his relationship.

Or maybe the best possible source

[Anonymous]

I saw two suitemate long-distance relationships when I was in college.

One's BF was at a service academy and they solely communicated by hand-written letters (yes, I am a parent now, so times WERE different). It was sweet and old-fashioned, but I think it was a really good way for them to let the other know how they were feeling. If nothing else, maybe ask your son to write down how he's feeling. He doesn't have to send the letter, or even show anyone, but just an idea. Might be a good stress-reliever he can do in a private way.

They lasted most of the year. I remember when she said she was calling to tell him she didn't want to do it anymore. I think they both realized they had changed and it just wasn't going to work.

The other's BF was at a school halfway across the country and she was, yes I will say it, psycho. Sat by the phone waiting for him to call. Would lose her mind if he was even minutes late calling - crying, hysterics, "he's found someone else," etc etc. Poor kid would call and she would absolutely lay into him. He had valid excuses (remember, I'm old so there were no cell phones) - couldn't get to a quiet place, my roommate was here, etc etc.

She ended up transferring (oh yeah) to his college early Sophomore year. They both remained at that school and married two weeks or so after graduation. Marriage lasted all of a year?

I think, like a lot of posters have said - time will be the factor here. She's either going to realize things have changed, or he will. Whether it's at Thanksgiving or earlier, he'll likely look around and realize he wants to start fresh at school and she isn't going to be a part of that (maybe that will happen for her earlier).

You're a good parent for listening, and clearly you have a good relationship with your son since he's talking to you about it. Good luck!!