Husband annoyed at taking his injured daughter to urgent care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you both let your DD down. If he was angry, you should have taken her. Surely you have frozen breast milk for your toddler.

Way to blame the victim

She needs to protect her children. Stop excusing her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the helpful replies. To clarify I am a SAHM, we have two kids. I should have added it was the toddler’s bedtime when they left for urgent care and I’m always the one to put him to bed and I nurse him before he goes down. If I’m not there, he won’t go to sleep until I come home, so I thought it would be more stressful on my husband to stay with the crying, not-sleeping toddler than take my daughter to urgent care. Yes, I am working on weaning my toddler so bedtime can be done by anyone, we just haven’t quite gotten there yet.

I’m regards to the nosebleed, I was the one to get up with him when it happened but this one was worse than usual and I couldn’t get the bleeding to stop and the toddler was scared and crying loudly, and that woke my DH up when he came storming in angry that he had been woken up, instead of being supportive or caring. I am always the one to wake up with the kids at night for whatever reason. I am the default parent in all medical stuff, bedtime waking, discipline (bc misbehaving stresses DH out), and I generally keep the peace at home and try to keep everything low stress. But I resent that I can’t even lean on DH in an emergency, or to just provide basic parental care when it’s needed without worrying about how he’ll react.

Also DH works from home at a cushy low-stress well-paying job so I can’t blame work stress. We have some other stressors going on in our lives right now but they are affecting us equally and I’m managing not to lash out at the kids.

Then go get yourself a cushy work from home job. But the nighttime wake-ups are yours b/c with a kid at camp and a napping toddler, you can take a rest then. Even with a cushy job your, husband can’t take a midday nap. If you don’t like your job, find a new one and get the balance you want since you don’t seem to like the labor division you signed up for.

Honestly, STFU. The fact that he works doesn’t give him the right to be a jerk and also does not exempt him from all domestic duties. You MAGA red pill trolls crack me up - spouting off this Jurassic sh*t on the one hand justifying terrible male behavior, then fretting about our declining birth rate on the other hand.

All domestic duties? How do we know? We have two examples.

And what are the two examples given in this post? Please summarize and justify his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is like this and that’s why we have one child. I’m really shocked that you had three. Why? He’s overwhelmed. He should do better, sure, but he doesn’t have the capacity. It’s not going to change.

This sums it up. He is out of his depth and is unsuited to be a healthy parent at this time.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry you have to deal with the meanspirited posters on DCUM. They should be ashamed of themselves.

This is a horrible situation to deal with. And unfortunately it falls on you to address it, which sucks and is not fair to you, but it is what it is.

I can speak to my experience which is that when DH lost control around DD, I stepped in and told him straight out he was being abusive. I told him to get away from her and not ever do it again. That got him to step out of his cloud of anger and realize he was way out of line. When sleep deprived DH sometimes still gets irritable and I call him out but he has vastly improved.

I don't know enough to tell you what to do. If having a come to Jesus talk with him about his behavior is not something you feel safe doing, it may be a good idea for you to speak with a therapist about this. What he is doing is not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you both let your DD down. If he was angry, you should have taken her. Surely you have frozen breast milk for your toddler.

Way to blame the victim

The victim is the child(ren). But aside from that, the fact that dad was wrong doesn't mean mom wasn't also wrong. Lots has caused this dynamic and led up to the reactions in this moment and you can't go back in time to get therapy right then. So you have to do what's possible right then.

In the moment, my priorities would have been getting older child medical care, getting older child emotional care, and then the toddler. That's why I said take the toddler in the car because DH was failing the first two. (Skip school or whatever tomorrow if he's exhausted because that's less important than priorities 1 and 2.) OP was more comfortable blaming him than taking charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you both let your DD down. If he was angry, you should have taken her. Surely you have frozen breast milk for your toddler.

Way to blame the victim

She needs to protect her children. Stop excusing her.

Why? She won’t. She has a sweet setup. If she leaves she will have to get a job and raise the kids alone. She knows deep down that is worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

PP here. I think your point is well taken in that you have to be able to recognize and appreciate the contributions of your spouse. It takes a lot to build a successful family and my point was that there really is no one size fits all and that sometimes it's better to play to your strengths and interests than to force equality or even participation in certain tasks. Again, none of this justifies yelling at a child who is having a medical emergency. But, the posts I was responding to were about looking at the future and how to make your family run successfully and as conflict free and happy as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you both let your DD down. If he was angry, you should have taken her. Surely you have frozen breast milk for your toddler.

Way to blame the victim

The victim is the child(ren). But aside from that, the fact that dad was wrong doesn't mean mom wasn't also wrong. Lots has caused this dynamic and led up to the reactions in this moment and you can't go back in time to get therapy right then. So you have to do what's possible right then.

In the moment, my priorities would have been getting older child medical care, getting older child emotional care, and then the toddler. That's why I said take the toddler in the car because DH was failing the first two. (Skip school or whatever tomorrow if he's exhausted because that's less important than priorities 1 and 2.) OP was more comfortable blaming him than taking charge.

Wow. OP did take charge and did get the children the care they need. The fact you are trying to twist this around and claim she did not is pretty spectacular. But sure, maybe she should have tiptoed on eggshells around her DH more effectively. So what now, where does that leave OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry you have to deal with the meanspirited posters on DCUM. They should be ashamed of themselves.

This is a horrible situation to deal with. And unfortunately it falls on you to address it, which sucks and is not fair to you, but it is what it is.

I can speak to my experience which is that when DH lost control around DD, I stepped in and told him straight out he was being abusive. I told him to get away from her and not ever do it again. That got him to step out of his cloud of anger and realize he was way out of line. When sleep deprived DH sometimes still gets irritable and I call him out but he has vastly improved.

I don't know enough to tell you what to do. If having a come to Jesus talk with him about his behavior is not something you feel safe doing, it may be a good idea for you to speak with a therapist about this. What he is doing is not okay.

I told my similar DH that his behavior was abuse in the hopes that it would wake him up and it made him angrier. He told me I didn’t have a right to tell him what abuse was and I was abusive for telling him that. There was no going back from that and it was pretty much nonstop rage and contempt from there. He moved out, which is something, but now we are in a weird place where he will not agree to terms of separation and I will have to take him to court and am meanwhile doing 100% of everything.

Not saying that calling him out is not something to try, but proceed with caution if you have even the tiniest fear that this could make the situation worse for you or your children.

I am so mad and ashamed of these so-called men who seem to be lurking everywhere and playing the good guy in public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised the doctor said go to urgent care. They don't deal with potential head injuries, typically. My husband doesn't do those things, but is terrible in an emergency. I would have taken her and he could drive the other kid separately if they ended up needing to nurse, which you could go do in the parking lot if you don't want them exposed to things.

Encourage him to get counseling.

You don’t realize this, but you’ve normalized enabling horrible behavior to such an extent that you expect a baby to accommodate your husband.

A baby.

You expect more maturity and flexibility from a baby than a grown man.

Let that sink in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

I guess is means mom should have taken toddler and older child together to the hospital and let dad sleep while toddler picks up RSV in the ER. In the nosebleed scenario she should have slapped the toddler so he would learn not to cry and wake dad up. Or something like that.