Custody and verbal/emotional abuse of kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won’t get more than 50/50.

Yes, I understand that and so I’m wondering:

1) at what age does DD get to pick where she gets to go and for how long

2) if the choice is 50/50, is it better to be in an abusive household 100 percent of the time with a mom to protect you and run interference, or an abusive household just 50 percent of the time but with no protection?

Question 2 is what I’m really stuck on.

These are questions to ask an attorney and a psychologist, not random strangers on the internet.

They will tell you whatever makes them the most money.

Dp. Smart people on this board. Op, take whatever your lawyer says with a grain of salt. And get a second opinion.

Thanks to all with the good advice here. I’m so frustrated with the advice of attorneys. At this point I have 3 consultations complete and all have very different approaches. None of them feel right to me so I guess I have to keep looking. I’m naive but I thought the legal side of things would be straightforward and rational and getting myself to take action would be the hardest part. It’s been the opposite.

I have two friends I’ve confided in who know DD. I feel embarrassed but relieved for them to know what we’re dealing with. I wish I could have something settled before school starts but I’m afraid that it is going to be at least a few months of uncertainty the way things are panning out.

This is sucky.

Do you documented the abuse. The only way you will get full custody is proof and having your daughter lie to destroy her relationship. Do you think that’s healthy for her?

I didn't say I am trying to get full custody nor having her lie. I'm not sure where you got that from. I'm just trying to understand how to best keep her safe in the future knowing that without documented physical abuse it will probably just be a basic 50/50 settlement.

You have to have the abuse documented. Doctors, therapist or police reports. Just leave and take her with you.

Dp

Op, this is crazy advice and it seems like this poster is projecting her trauma on your situation. Unless it’s very extreme, no one will bat an eye at ‘verbal or emotional abuse’ in the court system, so you are much better served at trying to find a way to want your ex to have less time with dd.

I posted above, but again my suggestion is to build a life as independent as dh as possible, especially for dd, and ride it out a little longer. By 16, courts typically won’t force a kid to go to a parents house (unless they can show you’ve ‘alienated’ them so be careful). Your best bet is to not rush, but prepare.

I am PP who shared the list of tips for you. I agree with the above. Wait it out until she is 16 and do the best you can to carve out a life with you and child away from him. If he treats you all like this nos as husband, imagine how he will be once you file for divorce.

I’m in the same boat just living it a bit longer than you and after all my research staying is the best bet until your child is around 16 and can refuse parent visits.

I’m sorry, OP. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Prepare accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best advice I got from lawyer was a strategy that allowed xDH to save face re custody. He could not / would not ever say he didn't want 50/50 but he didn't want it (the impact on his career, the responsibility, all of it). So he had to basically be handed a cover story that made it sound like he would be a super involved dad but with a flexible schedule for his "VERY IMPORTANT JOB" that in reality resulted in me having the large majority of custody. The catch is you can't get child support that undermines the facade of equal involvement

This is the move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best advice I got from lawyer was a strategy that allowed xDH to save face re custody. He could not / would not ever say he didn't want 50/50 but he didn't want it (the impact on his career, the responsibility, all of it). So he had to basically be handed a cover story that made it sound like he would be a super involved dad but with a flexible schedule for his "VERY IMPORTANT JOB" that in reality resulted in me having the large majority of custody. The catch is you can't get child support that undermines the facade of equal involvement

This. This is the secret to how I ended up with full physical custody. I offered 50/50 and then made it very easy for DH to cancel -- never complained, just took the kids. I did every doctor's appointment, day off school, etc. He travelled for work a few times a year for 2-6 weeks. I'm sure he told himself and other people that he travelled too much for work to have custody of the kids.

I never told him he was a bad dad for not spending time with his kids. As long as he looked good in front of others, that's all he cared about.

All those people who say you "can't get child support" are wrong. My DH earned more than me, so I got child support that reflected a 50/50 split in time with a difference in incomes. I chose not to go to court to show legalize the de facto full custody and did not ask for commensurate increase in CS. That would have pissed him off.

Ok but Child support is determined by state, and the calculations depend on that states laws. Do you happen to live in NY?

Parents can privately agree on CS in every state I am aware of. The only way the state would intervene is if the child ended up on welfare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best advice I got from lawyer was a strategy that allowed xDH to save face re custody. He could not / would not ever say he didn't want 50/50 but he didn't want it (the impact on his career, the responsibility, all of it). So he had to basically be handed a cover story that made it sound like he would be a super involved dad but with a flexible schedule for his "VERY IMPORTANT JOB" that in reality resulted in me having the large majority of custody. The catch is you can't get child support that undermines the facade of equal involvement

This. This is the secret to how I ended up with full physical custody. I offered 50/50 and then made it very easy for DH to cancel -- never complained, just took the kids. I did every doctor's appointment, day off school, etc. He travelled for work a few times a year for 2-6 weeks. I'm sure he told himself and other people that he travelled too much for work to have custody of the kids.

I never told him he was a bad dad for not spending time with his kids. As long as he looked good in front of others, that's all he cared about.

All those people who say you "can't get child support" are wrong. My DH earned more than me, so I got child support that reflected a 50/50 split in time with a difference in incomes. I chose not to go to court to show legalize the de facto full custody and did not ask for commensurate increase in CS. That would have pissed him off.

Ok but Child support is determined by state, and the calculations depend on that states laws. Do you happen to live in NY?

Parents can privately agree on CS in every state I am aware of. The only way the state would intervene is if the child ended up on welfare.

Yes, you essentially waive your states’ child support standards act in writing.

But that wasn’t what I was responding to

This was in response to the poster who said she got child support even though she had 50 time. People were wondering if dads want equal time to avoid support (yes).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best advice I got from lawyer was a strategy that allowed xDH to save face re custody. He could not / would not ever say he didn't want 50/50 but he didn't want it (the impact on his career, the responsibility, all of it). So he had to basically be handed a cover story that made it sound like he would be a super involved dad but with a flexible schedule for his "VERY IMPORTANT JOB" that in reality resulted in me having the large majority of custody. The catch is you can't get child support that undermines the facade of equal involvement

This. This is the secret to how I ended up with full physical custody. I offered 50/50 and then made it very easy for DH to cancel -- never complained, just took the kids. I did every doctor's appointment, day off school, etc. He travelled for work a few times a year for 2-6 weeks. I'm sure he told himself and other people that he travelled too much for work to have custody of the kids.

I never told him he was a bad dad for not spending time with his kids. As long as he looked good in front of others, that's all he cared about.

All those people who say you "can't get child support" are wrong. My DH earned more than me, so I got child support that reflected a 50/50 split in time with a difference in incomes. I chose not to go to court to show legalize the de facto full custody and did not ask for commensurate increase in CS. That would have pissed him off.

Ok but Child support is determined by state, and the calculations depend on that states laws. Do you happen to live in NY?

Parents can privately agree on CS in every state I am aware of. The only way the state would intervene is if the child ended up on welfare.

Yes, you essentially waive your states’ child support standards act in writing.

But that wasn’t what I was responding to

This was in response to the poster who said she got child support even though she had 50 time. People were wondering if dads want equal time to avoid support (yes).

Some moms want full custody and no contact for more money. Some moms don’t the child support on the kids. Some moms scream abuse when there is none so they can justify leaving to be with their ap.

Some dads are the better parent and want their kids. Shocker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won’t get more than 50/50.

Yes, I understand that and so I’m wondering:

1) at what age does DD get to pick where she gets to go and for how long

2) if the choice is 50/50, is it better to be in an abusive household 100 percent of the time with a mom to protect you and run interference, or an abusive household just 50 percent of the time but with no protection?

Question 2 is what I’m really stuck on.

These are questions to ask an attorney and a psychologist, not random strangers on the internet.

They will tell you whatever makes them the most money.

Dp. Smart people on this board. Op, take whatever your lawyer says with a grain of salt. And get a second opinion.

Thanks to all with the good advice here. I’m so frustrated with the advice of attorneys. At this point I have 3 consultations complete and all have very different approaches. None of them feel right to me so I guess I have to keep looking. I’m naive but I thought the legal side of things would be straightforward and rational and getting myself to take action would be the hardest part. It’s been the opposite.

I have two friends I’ve confided in who know DD. I feel embarrassed but relieved for them to know what we’re dealing with. I wish I could have something settled before school starts but I’m afraid that it is going to be at least a few months of uncertainty the way things are panning out.

This is sucky.

Do you documented the abuse. The only way you will get full custody is proof and having your daughter lie to destroy her relationship. Do you think that’s healthy for her?

I didn't say I am trying to get full custody nor having her lie. I'm not sure where you got that from. I'm just trying to understand how to best keep her safe in the future knowing that without documented physical abuse it will probably just be a basic 50/50 settlement.

You have to have the abuse documented. Doctors, therapist or police reports. Just leave and take her with you.

Dp

Op, this is crazy advice and it seems like this poster is projecting her trauma on your situation. Unless it’s very extreme, no one will bat an eye at ‘verbal or emotional abuse’ in the court system, so you are much better served at trying to find a way to want your ex to have less time with dd.

I posted above, but again my suggestion is to build a life as independent as dh as possible, especially for dd, and ride it out a little longer. By 16, courts typically won’t force a kid to go to a parents house (unless they can show you’ve ‘alienated’ them so be careful). Your best bet is to not rush, but prepare.

I am PP who shared the list of tips for you. I agree with the above. Wait it out until she is 16 and do the best you can to carve out a life with you and child away from him. If he treats you all like this nos as husband, imagine how he will be once you file for divorce.

I’m in the same boat just living it a bit longer than you and after all my research staying is the best bet until your child is around 16 and can refuse parent visits.

I’m sorry, OP. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Prepare accordingly.

OP and I appreciate your perspective a lot. You continue to give me a lot to think about as I unravel the situation we’re in. Do you have advice to share for how you kept a relatively neutral home environment for your DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best advice I got from lawyer was a strategy that allowed xDH to save face re custody. He could not / would not ever say he didn't want 50/50 but he didn't want it (the impact on his career, the responsibility, all of it). So he had to basically be handed a cover story that made it sound like he would be a super involved dad but with a flexible schedule for his "VERY IMPORTANT JOB" that in reality resulted in me having the large majority of custody. The catch is you can't get child support that undermines the facade of equal involvement

This. This is the secret to how I ended up with full physical custody. I offered 50/50 and then made it very easy for DH to cancel -- never complained, just took the kids. I did every doctor's appointment, day off school, etc. He travelled for work a few times a year for 2-6 weeks. I'm sure he told himself and other people that he travelled too much for work to have custody of the kids.

I never told him he was a bad dad for not spending time with his kids. As long as he looked good in front of others, that's all he cared about.

All those people who say you "can't get child support" are wrong. My DH earned more than me, so I got child support that reflected a 50/50 split in time with a difference in incomes. I chose not to go to court to show legalize the de facto full custody and did not ask for commensurate increase in CS. That would have pissed him off.

Ok but Child support is determined by state, and the calculations depend on that states laws. Do you happen to live in NY?

Parents can privately agree on CS in every state I am aware of. The only way the state would intervene is if the child ended up on welfare.

Yes, you essentially waive your states’ child support standards act in writing.

But that wasn’t what I was responding to

This was in response to the poster who said she got child support even though she had 50 time. People were wondering if dads want equal time to avoid support (yes).

Some moms want full custody and no contact for more money. Some moms don’t the child support on the kids. Some moms scream abuse when there is none so they can justify leaving to be with their ap.

Some dads are the better parent and want their kids. Shocker.

Angry dh alert

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won’t get more than 50/50.

Yes, I understand that and so I’m wondering:

1) at what age does DD get to pick where she gets to go and for how long

2) if the choice is 50/50, is it better to be in an abusive household 100 percent of the time with a mom to protect you and run interference, or an abusive household just 50 percent of the time but with no protection?

Question 2 is what I’m really stuck on.

These are questions to ask an attorney and a psychologist, not random strangers on the internet.

They will tell you whatever makes them the most money.

Dp. Smart people on this board. Op, take whatever your lawyer says with a grain of salt. And get a second opinion.

Thanks to all with the good advice here. I’m so frustrated with the advice of attorneys. At this point I have 3 consultations complete and all have very different approaches. None of them feel right to me so I guess I have to keep looking. I’m naive but I thought the legal side of things would be straightforward and rational and getting myself to take action would be the hardest part. It’s been the opposite.

I have two friends I’ve confided in who know DD. I feel embarrassed but relieved for them to know what we’re dealing with. I wish I could have something settled before school starts but I’m afraid that it is going to be at least a few months of uncertainty the way things are panning out.

This is sucky.

Do you documented the abuse. The only way you will get full custody is proof and having your daughter lie to destroy her relationship. Do you think that’s healthy for her?

I didn't say I am trying to get full custody nor having her lie. I'm not sure where you got that from. I'm just trying to understand how to best keep her safe in the future knowing that without documented physical abuse it will probably just be a basic 50/50 settlement.

You have to have the abuse documented. Doctors, therapist or police reports. Just leave and take her with you.

Dp

Op, this is crazy advice and it seems like this poster is projecting her trauma on your situation. Unless it’s very extreme, no one will bat an eye at ‘verbal or emotional abuse’ in the court system, so you are much better served at trying to find a way to want your ex to have less time with dd.

I posted above, but again my suggestion is to build a life as independent as dh as possible, especially for dd, and ride it out a little longer. By 16, courts typically won’t force a kid to go to a parents house (unless they can show you’ve ‘alienated’ them so be careful). Your best bet is to not rush, but prepare.

I am PP who shared the list of tips for you. I agree with the above. Wait it out until she is 16 and do the best you can to carve out a life with you and child away from him. If he treats you all like this nos as husband, imagine how he will be once you file for divorce.

I’m in the same boat just living it a bit longer than you and after all my research staying is the best bet until your child is around 16 and can refuse parent visits.

I’m sorry, OP. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Prepare accordingly.

OP and I appreciate your perspective a lot. You continue to give me a lot to think about as I unravel the situation we’re in. Do you have advice to share for how you kept a relatively neutral home environment for your DD?

I am sorry you all are also living this. I really wish I had all the answers but I do not. I just know what I shared and some of these suggestions came from fellow Moms in the same situation who had been living it longer than me. One Mom suggested to get a Nanny, ideally a live in and to make sure she was an older woman. Somehow an extra person in the house helps calm things down and especially an older woman whom may somehow intimidate him. My two kids are older now so that wouldn't work but for anyone with younger kids, I would do this.

We do always have a part time nanny - college age student that I secure at least once a week to come and help. She picks them up from school, takes them on errands, helps with homework (so he doesn't have to). I also book her for any closed school days. We had homework issues as they got older because he would claim to be an awesome Dad and help with homework but often it led to him losing patience and screaming at them. To address that, I hired tutors and pitched it, tutors are professionals and know best how to teach kids and it frees us both up to focus on other things. Always, always, make it seem like these decisions are for his convenience. That helped a lot and for big things like sleep away summer camp, it took me over a year to convince him but kindly and gently planted seeds, and eventually he came around.

The main thing is to try to keep the peace and with all abusers, there is a cycle of abuse. Do your best to magnify the happy times, go out to dinners as a family and enjoy those times when he is in a good mood. With that, every decision I make I always try to have an escape plan. Our vacations are no more than a week and often include my extended family so when he gets in a mood, we can hang with them and he can stay back in the hotel room. I think that's all I can think of that has worked for us. I often feel like a fraud portraying a happy family when we are not. I hate it. I feel so lonely with only a couple of friends and co-workers knowing the truth. I just focus on college and tell my kids how great it will be for them to be out in the world alone to explore on their own. So whenever they are down about him, I have them focus on the dream of college and finally moving out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won’t get more than 50/50.

Yes, I understand that and so I’m wondering:

1) at what age does DD get to pick where she gets to go and for how long

2) if the choice is 50/50, is it better to be in an abusive household 100 percent of the time with a mom to protect you and run interference, or an abusive household just 50 percent of the time but with no protection?

Question 2 is what I’m really stuck on.

These are questions to ask an attorney and a psychologist, not random strangers on the internet.

They will tell you whatever makes them the most money.

Dp. Smart people on this board. Op, take whatever your lawyer says with a grain of salt. And get a second opinion.

Thanks to all with the good advice here. I’m so frustrated with the advice of attorneys. At this point I have 3 consultations complete and all have very different approaches. None of them feel right to me so I guess I have to keep looking. I’m naive but I thought the legal side of things would be straightforward and rational and getting myself to take action would be the hardest part. It’s been the opposite.

I have two friends I’ve confided in who know DD. I feel embarrassed but relieved for them to know what we’re dealing with. I wish I could have something settled before school starts but I’m afraid that it is going to be at least a few months of uncertainty the way things are panning out.

This is sucky.

Do you documented the abuse. The only way you will get full custody is proof and having your daughter lie to destroy her relationship. Do you think that’s healthy for her?

I didn't say I am trying to get full custody nor having her lie. I'm not sure where you got that from. I'm just trying to understand how to best keep her safe in the future knowing that without documented physical abuse it will probably just be a basic 50/50 settlement.

You have to have the abuse documented. Doctors, therapist or police reports. Just leave and take her with you.

Dp

Op, this is crazy advice and it seems like this poster is projecting her trauma on your situation. Unless it’s very extreme, no one will bat an eye at ‘verbal or emotional abuse’ in the court system, so you are much better served at trying to find a way to want your ex to have less time with dd.

I posted above, but again my suggestion is to build a life as independent as dh as possible, especially for dd, and ride it out a little longer. By 16, courts typically won’t force a kid to go to a parents house (unless they can show you’ve ‘alienated’ them so be careful). Your best bet is to not rush, but prepare.

I am PP who shared the list of tips for you. I agree with the above. Wait it out until she is 16 and do the best you can to carve out a life with you and child away from him. If he treats you all like this nos as husband, imagine how he will be once you file for divorce.

I’m in the same boat just living it a bit longer than you and after all my research staying is the best bet until your child is around 16 and can refuse parent visits.

I’m sorry, OP. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Prepare accordingly.

OP and I appreciate your perspective a lot. You continue to give me a lot to think about as I unravel the situation we’re in. Do you have advice to share for how you kept a relatively neutral home environment for your DD?

I am sorry you all are also living this. I really wish I had all the answers but I do not. I just know what I shared and some of these suggestions came from fellow Moms in the same situation who had been living it longer than me. One Mom suggested to get a Nanny, ideally a live in and to make sure she was an older woman. Somehow an extra person in the house helps calm things down and especially an older woman whom may somehow intimidate him. My two kids are older now so that wouldn't work but for anyone with younger kids, I would do this.

We do always have a part time nanny - college age student that I secure at least once a week to come and help. She picks them up from school, takes them on errands, helps with homework (so he doesn't have to). I also book her for any closed school days. We had homework issues as they got older because he would claim to be an awesome Dad and help with homework but often it led to him losing patience and screaming at them. To address that, I hired tutors and pitched it, tutors are professionals and know best how to teach kids and it frees us both up to focus on other things. Always, always, make it seem like these decisions are for his convenience. That helped a lot and for big things like sleep away summer camp, it took me over a year to convince him but kindly and gently planted seeds, and eventually he came around.

The main thing is to try to keep the peace and with all abusers, there is a cycle of abuse. Do your best to magnify the happy times, go out to dinners as a family and enjoy those times when he is in a good mood. With that, every decision I make I always try to have an escape plan. Our vacations are no more than a week and often include my extended family so when he gets in a mood, we can hang with them and he can stay back in the hotel room. I think that's all I can think of that has worked for us. I often feel like a fraud portraying a happy family when we are not. I hate it. I feel so lonely with only a couple of friends and co-workers knowing the truth. I just focus on college and tell my kids how great it will be for them to be out in the world alone to explore on their own. So whenever they are down about him, I have them focus on the dream of college and finally moving out.

Thank you so much. This makes a lot of sense to me and depending on my attorney consults next week it gives me food for thought. I really like the suggestion of a nanny/boarder/human shield. I went through a phase of having a lot of houseguests and I think I was unconsciously trying to keep DH’s behavior in check. A nanny would also give me the bandwidth to ramp up my career. DH rejected that when DD was younger but it’s worth trying again. He doesn’t like having people in the house.

I really relate to the isolation you describe. It’s awful playing the happy family game, but I am fully aware that except for a few private 1:1 interactions, any whiff of what’s really going on would have serious consequences for my child and for me. However, DH is increasingly antisocial so we aren’t even playing the happy family game. He has started to get really withdrawn and sullen at social things so I stopped accepting family invites because it was embarrassing and uncomfortable.

I do have a sleepaway camp option for next year that DD was already lightly marketing for herself since a friend went, and she just joined a new team for her main sport that has a very time-consuming schedule. We haven’t been going to church lately because it made me feel sad to be among all the families, but might start again at a different parish just to have the morning blocked off. DH hates mass so that would be an easy one.

[Anonymous]

“ One Mom suggested to get a Nanny, ideally a live in and to make sure she was an older woman. Somehow an extra person in the house helps calm things down and especially an older woman whom may somehow intimidate him.”

Interesting idea but a suspicious XH might not want a strange old woman in his house appointed by his XW to spy on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“ One Mom suggested to get a Nanny, ideally a live in and to make sure she was an older woman. Somehow an extra person in the house helps calm things down and especially an older woman whom may somehow intimidate him.”

Interesting idea but a suspicious XH might not want a strange old woman in his house appointed by his XW to spy on him.

I think the suggestion is that if DH and DW stay in the same house, a nanny is person to provide both childcare and a set of guardrails for DH’s behavior. This type of DH wants to be held in high regard and look like a Good Dad and won’t act out in front of strangers…until he does.

[Anonymous]

There is too much stuff in the news about these controlling and moody Dads unloving their children. I would be very careful, document everything, make sure legally everything is on the child’s side and proceed with caution. Maybe suggest he and her see a therapist to help? My prayers are with you as this is not easy.

[Anonymous]

*^unaliving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is too much stuff in the news about these controlling and moody Dads unloving their children. I would be very careful, document everything, make sure legally everything is on the child’s side and proceed with caution. Maybe suggest he and her see a therapist to help? My prayers are with you as this is not easy.

That’s a chilling thought. And partly the reason why I didn’t divorce long ago when it was just me being abused- not because I thought he’d do something that extreme but because I wasn’t 100% sure of anything having to do with his behavior.

I am willing for them to see separate therapists but definitely not to go together. It seems like a dangerous idea and an opportunity for him to manipulate the situation and find an ally in a therapist. He did briefly see a therapist in the past and came out of it with really distorted feedback about a black-and-white situation that made me think either the therapist was completely incompetent or DH manipulated her throughout the sessions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 10. I was always the target of DH’s instability and rages, but that changed and he turned on her. He is very smart to never make physical contact, but what DD has experienced is certainly just as painful.

What I am struggling with now with my attorneys is the expectation of 50/50 custody, especially because DD does not want to be around DH.

At what age does DD have to be to assert preferences about who she spends time with and when?

Ask your attorney, it’s a state rule and whole situation could get very nasty and riddled with lies.

Sometimes you need a “save face” solution for abusers and hope he walks back his custody time.

Unfortunately you need to keep him calm during this process. If he had a nasty attorney the bills and time could really wrack up and no one will be better off. Sorry.

You will make it through.