Custody and verbal/emotional abuse of kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wonder if the OP's DH wants "official" 50/50 custody just to reduce child support payments, but doesn't actually want his daughter around 50% of the time.

If you can afford it, consider telling him you don't want any child support at all so long as you have full custody.

You can’t do this. Child support is the child’s you can’t refuse it on their behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wonder if the OP's DH wants "official" 50/50 custody just to reduce child support payments, but doesn't actually want his daughter around 50% of the time.

If you can afford it, consider telling him you don't want any child support at all so long as you have full custody.

You can’t do this. Child support is the child’s you can’t refuse it on their behalf.

Yes you can. I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 10. I was always the target of DH’s instability and rages, but that changed and he turned on her. He is very smart to never make physical contact, but what DD has experienced is certainly just as painful.

What I am struggling with now with my attorneys is the expectation of 50/50 custody, especially because DD does not want to be around DH.

At what age does DD have to be to assert preferences about who she spends time with and when?

14. Do not in any way lobby her for that.

For all you know he may be better when he isn’t around you. It’s pretty common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:advice for OP until she gets divorced.

1. Get your kid involved in some sort of hobby that keeps her busy and away from home.
2. On weekends, beyond the sport, do all your shopping then so you all can leave on a Saturday morning and not come back until it’s nearly bed time.
3. Arrange a ton of play dates. Offer to take her to the mall with a friend. Take them to the movies, out to dinner etc. Anything to stay out of the house.
4. If there us some sort of Mommy and me course, sign up for it. For example there is Yoga class I saw for parents and kids together.
5. If you all can afford it, send her away to sleep away camp for the summer or send her to stay with Grandparents for a month over the summer. Anything to give her a break.
6. Hire a sitter/mother’s helper to pick her ip
from school and help her with her homework afterwards. He will act out less with with another person present.
7. Do what you can to appease him and not suspect that you loathe him. Pitch everything as a favor to him. “I arranged for Larla to have a play date after baseball practice so you don’t have to worry about picking her up from practice.” “I arranged a carpool with another family so you don’t have to worry about driving her to her games anymore.”

One last thought, as soon as she is able to join, take her to the gym with you to work out together. I think most gyms allow kids as young as 12. It’s good in general for mental and physical health. It releases stress. This also gives you flexibility to leave the house at a moments notice with that excuse. Naturally, always have your gym bags packed.

This is perfect advice.

- divorced with an emotionally abusive ex who didn’t want custody and then went back and was granted 50/50 custody, pretty much just bc he asked for it and that’s the presumption. My dc has a GAL who does not like my ex and has even said she thinks he has narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies, but who has still never challenged his ‘parenting rights’ to 50 time.

To get a change in custody, you have to prove "substantial change of circumstances" and "best interests of the child." It's actually quite challenging to prove a "substantial change of circumstances" if you have a good attorney, which is why you want to get the custody right on the first go if at all possible.

Also, OP, can you get your daughter in therapy and sell it to your DH as doing it to help her through the divorce? Many children whose parents are going through a divorce see a therapist. If you sell it to him as something she needs for reasons unrelated to him, he might be supportive, and therapy could really benefit her if she's dealing with emotional abuse, anxiety, or anything else.

I'm over 10 years deep into coparenting with an abuser, and things have gotten much better for me and our child because I learned how to communicate with him so as not to trigger him. You have to avoid poking the bear, as they say. You deliver information in a friendly, neutral, never accusatory tone. You avoid casting blame. Not to sound dramatic, but it is almost like you are dealing with a known terrorist holding your child. You do what you need to do to keep them safe. You can use AI to write your texts for you in a friendly tone if you can't do it yourself (I can't, so I do this).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wonder if the OP's DH wants "official" 50/50 custody just to reduce child support payments, but doesn't actually want his daughter around 50% of the time.

If you can afford it, consider telling him you don't want any child support at all so long as you have full custody.

You can’t do this. Child support is the child’s you can’t refuse it on their behalf.

You can agree to anything in a divorce. I don’t receive child support because I never filed for for it because I was not gonna file for it for $300 a month and then have a worse coparenting relationship.

There are plenty of situations where there’s no child support. I’m only one person I know that doesn’t receive it. I know others as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wonder if the OP's DH wants "official" 50/50 custody just to reduce child support payments, but doesn't actually want his daughter around 50% of the time.

If you can afford it, consider telling him you don't want any child support at all so long as you have full custody.

You can’t do this. Child support is the child’s you can’t refuse it on their behalf.

Yes you can. I did.

+1 I did, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wonder if the OP's DH wants "official" 50/50 custody just to reduce child support payments, but doesn't actually want his daughter around 50% of the time.

If you can afford it, consider telling him you don't want any child support at all so long as you have full custody.

You can’t do this. Child support is the child’s you can’t refuse it on their behalf.

Yes you can. I did.

Then you stole from your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wonder if the OP's DH wants "official" 50/50 custody just to reduce child support payments, but doesn't actually want his daughter around 50% of the time.

If you can afford it, consider telling him you don't want any child support at all so long as you have full custody.

You can’t do this. Child support is the child’s you can’t refuse it on their behalf.

Yes you can. I did.

Then you stole from your child.

lol ok lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 10. I was always the target of DH’s instability and rages, but that changed and he turned on her. He is very smart to never make physical contact, but what DD has experienced is certainly just as painful.

What I am struggling with now with my attorneys is the expectation of 50/50 custody, especially because DD does not want to be around DH.

At what age does DD have to be to assert preferences about who she spends time with and when?

If your own attorneys believe a 50/50 split is appropriate then what is the issue. Lots of people getting divorced make insinuations against their spouse and vague allegations of child abuse. You don't give any examples here

It sounds like what might be happening here is that you are projecting your hostility towards the father onto your daughter.

If you truly believe 50/50 is unsafe for the child then you are morally obligated to protect your child and instruct your attorneys as to what you want them to do.

In that event you better be sure to bring the receipts and budget for a six figure legal bill. And you still might lose.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is 10. I was always the target of DH’s instability and rages, but that changed and he turned on her. He is very smart to never make physical contact, but what DD has experienced is certainly just as painful.

What I am struggling with now with my attorneys is the expectation of 50/50 custody, especially because DD does not want to be around DH.

At what age does DD have to be to assert preferences about who she spends time with and when?

If your own attorneys believe a 50/50 split is appropriate then what is the issue. Lots of people getting divorced make insinuations against their spouse and vague allegations of child abuse. You don't give any examples here

It sounds like what might be happening here is that you are projecting your hostility towards the father onto your daughter.

If you truly believe 50/50 is unsafe for the child then you are morally obligated to protect your child and instruct your attorneys as to what you want them to do.

In that event you better be sure to bring the receipts and budget for a six figure legal bill. And you still might lose.

Good luck.

An example of the emotional and verbal abuse is blaming my child for something she didn’t do, realizing he did it but then blaming the child for making him do it. And then coming at her aggressively screaming and looming over her telling her to stop crying while cursing at her. Yes, I intervene and yes, he turns on me. I live in a two-party consent state so I write incidents down but cannot record.

I don’t think I’m protecting my hostility. DH seems to have plenty to go around!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is responding to her mistreatment by her dad as one would expect. I think he assumes she’s still an infant with a goldfish memory. She sobbed in the closet with the dog the night he did it and has been quiet all week, except to ask when he was coming back and then she got upset when she found out he was coming back on x day to get clothes. I’m trying not to say too much because I’m afraid I’ll get accused of putting words in her mouth. I did say that I know she has big feelings about what happened and that it’s normal, and that it’s also ok to react differently than me or to have her feelings change over time, and I offered a few different adults for her to talk to (both family friends she’s close with and professionals) if that would feel helpful.

A GAL isn’t an option I had thought of and I will discuss that with an attorney when I meet them this week- thank you for that suggestion.

I can handle any of this but I don’t want her to acclimate to it.

Do not invite a stranger into your family. No GAL.

+100.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is 10. I was always the target of DH’s instability and rages, but that changed and he turned on her. He is very smart to never make physical contact, but what DD has experienced is certainly just as painful.

What I am struggling with now with my attorneys is the expectation of 50/50 custody, especially because DD does not want to be around DH.

At what age does DD have to be to assert preferences about who she spends time with and when?

If your own attorneys believe a 50/50 split is appropriate then what is the issue. Lots of people getting divorced make insinuations against their spouse and vague allegations of child abuse. You don't give any examples here

It sounds like what might be happening here is that you are projecting your hostility towards the father onto your daughter.

If you truly believe 50/50 is unsafe for the child then you are morally obligated to protect your child and instruct your attorneys as to what you want them to do.

In that event you better be sure to bring the receipts and budget for a six figure legal bill. And you still might lose.

Good luck.

I think there are many cases where the child would be better off spending more than 50% time with one parent, but the "badness" of the other parent does not rise to the level of abuse that would require the court to step in. And of course, the courts set that level pretty high, as they probably should.

[Anonymous]

The best advice I got from lawyer was a strategy that allowed xDH to save face re custody. He could not / would not ever say he didn't want 50/50 but he didn't want it (the impact on his career, the responsibility, all of it). So he had to basically be handed a cover story that made it sound like he would be a super involved dad but with a flexible schedule for his "VERY IMPORTANT JOB" that in reality resulted in me having the large majority of custody. The catch is you can't get child support that undermines the facade of equal involvement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is 10. I was always the target of DH’s instability and rages, but that changed and he turned on her. He is very smart to never make physical contact, but what DD has experienced is certainly just as painful.

What I am struggling with now with my attorneys is the expectation of 50/50 custody, especially because DD does not want to be around DH.

At what age does DD have to be to assert preferences about who she spends time with and when?

If your own attorneys believe a 50/50 split is appropriate then what is the issue. Lots of people getting divorced make insinuations against their spouse and vague allegations of child abuse. You don't give any examples here

It sounds like what might be happening here is that you are projecting your hostility towards the father onto your daughter.

If you truly believe 50/50 is unsafe for the child then you are morally obligated to protect your child and instruct your attorneys as to what you want them to do.

In that event you better be sure to bring the receipts and budget for a six figure legal bill. And you still might lose.

Good luck.

My xDH has said to our kids to their faces that they (the kids) are "f'ing losers" and he [xDh] "hates being part of their pathetic f'ing worlds". You know who doesn't care about that? the courts. despite your "moral obligation" there is no way to protect my kids from this without putting myself in custody jeopardy. attorneys communicate the reality of the law, not what is best or appropriate for the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best advice I got from lawyer was a strategy that allowed xDH to save face re custody. He could not / would not ever say he didn't want 50/50 but he didn't want it (the impact on his career, the responsibility, all of it). So he had to basically be handed a cover story that made it sound like he would be a super involved dad but with a flexible schedule for his "VERY IMPORTANT JOB" that in reality resulted in me having the large majority of custody. The catch is you can't get child support that undermines the facade of equal involvement

OP and I have a question- did you make it 50/50 on paper in your agreement and agree to something else separately? How did you actually arrange the time and keep it moderately predictable for the kids? I am certain that my DH is just like yours and is coming from the same place. He even has a job promotion he's preparing to take that would have him out of the country multiple weeks or parts of weeks per month, so there is not universe where 50/50 is even possible unless he invents a teleportation device. Yet he will absolutely want it.