Custody and verbal/emotional abuse of kids?

[Anonymous]

advice for OP until she gets divorced.

1. Get your kid involved in some sort of hobby that keeps her busy and away from home.
2. On weekends, beyond the sport, do all your shopping then so you all can leave on a Saturday morning and not come back until it’s nearly bed time.
3. Arrange a ton of play dates. Offer to take her to the mall with a friend. Take them to the movies, out to dinner etc. Anything to stay out of the house.
4. If there us some sort of Mommy and me course, sign up for it. For example there is Yoga class I saw for parents and kids together.
5. If you all can afford it, send her away to sleep away camp for the summer or send her to stay with Grandparents for a month over the summer. Anything to give her a break.
6. Hire a sitter/mother’s helper to pick her ip
from school and help her with her homework afterwards. He will act out less with with another person present.
7. Do what you can to appease him and not suspect that you loathe him. Pitch everything as a favor to him. “I arranged for Larla to have a play date after baseball practice so you don’t have to worry about picking her up from practice.” “I arranged a carpool with another family so you don’t have to worry about driving her to her games anymore.”

One last thought, as soon as she is able to join, take her to the gym with you to work out together. I think most gyms allow kids as young as 12. It’s good in general for mental and physical health. It releases stress. This also gives you flexibility to leave the house at a moments notice with that excuse. Naturally, always have your gym bags packed.

[Anonymous]

I love that advice from PP even if it sucks that you can’t just enjoy your home.

[Anonymous]

Does she have a therapist? I am not in this situation but have a family member who is and I think it’s been really helpful to have someone who is not mom or dad and just separate from the divorce drama to be able to talk about “hey this happened, here’s how I felt”.

If you have a parent track job and just one kid, I would try and keep my flexibility even if it meant moving into a very small apartment for a while. Your daughter needs you more now rather than less.

[Anonymous]

OP, another idea that many people do in your situation is boarding school. Toms of difficult family lives and ongoing divorces for which it is a good solution. That way she has less exposure to him, you can leave if you want to and you can also get a more intense job.

[Anonymous]

OP and I really appreciate that long list. I’m going to copy and paste it into Notes.

Unfortunately I realize I’ve been doing about half of it already and unconsciously. We even had a long-term houseguest stay with us last summer- a friend of a friend who needed a place to stay during a summer course. They were startled when I said yes but DH had been really cruel to me that spring and I realized he would never make himself look bad in front of a stranger. He doubled down on work and sort of avoided the house, and we had fun with our new friend.

We have an extra room again and I’m thinking about an au pair or trading it out to a grad student or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the OP who posted about needing to board her dog when leaving with her daughter?

No, we don't have pets beside a beta fish, thank goodness.

So this post on the first page wasn't you?

DD is responding to her mistreatment by her dad as one would expect. I think he assumes she’s still an infant with a goldfish memory. She sobbed in the closet with the dog the night he did it and has been quiet all week, except to ask when he was coming back and then she got upset when she found out he was coming back on x day to get clothes. I’m trying not to say too much because I’m afraid I’ll get accused of putting words in her mouth. I did say that I know she has big feelings about what happened and that it’s normal, and that it’s also ok to react differently than me or to have her feelings change over time, and I offered a few different adults for her to talk to (both family friends she’s close with and professionals) if that would feel helpful.

A GAL isn’t an option I had thought of and I will discuss that with an attorney when I meet them this week- thank you for that suggestion.

I can handle any of this but I don’t want her to acclimate to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 10. I was always the target of DH’s instability and rages, but that changed and he turned on her. He is very smart to never make physical contact, but what DD has experienced is certainly just as painful.

What I am struggling with now with my attorneys is the expectation of 50/50 custody, especially because DD does not want to be around DH.

At what age does DD have to be to assert preferences about who she spends time with and when?

I am divorced and have a daughter. I HATE my ex wife with a passion. However, I love my daughter. And because of her, when it comes to custody no issues. Your ex husband should be ashamed of himself for not putting the interests of his daughter first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 10. I was always the target of DH’s instability and rages, but that changed and he turned on her. He is very smart to never make physical contact, but what DD has experienced is certainly just as painful.

What I am struggling with now with my attorneys is the expectation of 50/50 custody, especially because DD does not want to be around DH.

At what age does DD have to be to assert preferences about who she spends time with and when?

You’re not divorced? Stay married and follow the advice of the poster above about keeping her busy etc.

Do not listen to the people who say to get her a GAL etc. That won’t help and very often will trigger a very long, very costly, very stressful custody fight. People fail to consider how litigation adds an extra huge layer of stress, and there are no guaranteed outcomes. As long as dh isn’t physically abusing dd, he’s unlikely to get much less than 50 time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:advice for OP until she gets divorced.

1. Get your kid involved in some sort of hobby that keeps her busy and away from home.
2. On weekends, beyond the sport, do all your shopping then so you all can leave on a Saturday morning and not come back until it’s nearly bed time.
3. Arrange a ton of play dates. Offer to take her to the mall with a friend. Take them to the movies, out to dinner etc. Anything to stay out of the house.
4. If there us some sort of Mommy and me course, sign up for it. For example there is Yoga class I saw for parents and kids together.
5. If you all can afford it, send her away to sleep away camp for the summer or send her to stay with Grandparents for a month over the summer. Anything to give her a break.
6. Hire a sitter/mother’s helper to pick her ip
from school and help her with her homework afterwards. He will act out less with with another person present.
7. Do what you can to appease him and not suspect that you loathe him. Pitch everything as a favor to him. “I arranged for Larla to have a play date after baseball practice so you don’t have to worry about picking her up from practice.” “I arranged a carpool with another family so you don’t have to worry about driving her to her games anymore.”

One last thought, as soon as she is able to join, take her to the gym with you to work out together. I think most gyms allow kids as young as 12. It’s good in general for mental and physical health. It releases stress. This also gives you flexibility to leave the house at a moments notice with that excuse. Naturally, always have your gym bags packed.

This is perfect advice.

- divorced with an emotionally abusive ex who didn’t want custody and then went back and was granted 50/50 custody, pretty much just bc he asked for it and that’s the presumption. My dc has a GAL who does not like my ex and has even said she thinks he has narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies, but who has still never challenged his ‘parenting rights’ to 50 time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:advice for OP until she gets divorced.

1. Get your kid involved in some sort of hobby that keeps her busy and away from home.
2. On weekends, beyond the sport, do all your shopping then so you all can leave on a Saturday morning and not come back until it’s nearly bed time.
3. Arrange a ton of play dates. Offer to take her to the mall with a friend. Take them to the movies, out to dinner etc. Anything to stay out of the house.
4. If there us some sort of Mommy and me course, sign up for it. For example there is Yoga class I saw for parents and kids together.
5. If you all can afford it, send her away to sleep away camp for the summer or send her to stay with Grandparents for a month over the summer. Anything to give her a break.
6. Hire a sitter/mother’s helper to pick her ip
from school and help her with her homework afterwards. He will act out less with with another person present.
7. Do what you can to appease him and not suspect that you loathe him. Pitch everything as a favor to him. “I arranged for Larla to have a play date after baseball practice so you don’t have to worry about picking her up from practice.” “I arranged a carpool with another family so you don’t have to worry about driving her to her games anymore.”

One last thought, as soon as she is able to join, take her to the gym with you to work out together. I think most gyms allow kids as young as 12. It’s good in general for mental and physical health. It releases stress. This also gives you flexibility to leave the house at a moments notice with that excuse. Naturally, always have your gym bags packed.

This is perfect advice.

- divorced with an emotionally abusive ex who didn’t want custody and then went back and was granted 50/50 custody, pretty much just bc he asked for it and that’s the presumption. My dc has a GAL who does not like my ex and has even said she thinks he has narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies, but who has still never challenged his ‘parenting rights’ to 50 time.

That stinks. How is your DD handing it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:advice for OP until she gets divorced.

1. Get your kid involved in some sort of hobby that keeps her busy and away from home.
2. On weekends, beyond the sport, do all your shopping then so you all can leave on a Saturday morning and not come back until it’s nearly bed time.
3. Arrange a ton of play dates. Offer to take her to the mall with a friend. Take them to the movies, out to dinner etc. Anything to stay out of the house.
4. If there us some sort of Mommy and me course, sign up for it. For example there is Yoga class I saw for parents and kids together.
5. If you all can afford it, send her away to sleep away camp for the summer or send her to stay with Grandparents for a month over the summer. Anything to give her a break.
6. Hire a sitter/mother’s helper to pick her ip
from school and help her with her homework afterwards. He will act out less with with another person present.
7. Do what you can to appease him and not suspect that you loathe him. Pitch everything as a favor to him. “I arranged for Larla to have a play date after baseball practice so you don’t have to worry about picking her up from practice.” “I arranged a carpool with another family so you don’t have to worry about driving her to her games anymore.”

One last thought, as soon as she is able to join, take her to the gym with you to work out together. I think most gyms allow kids as young as 12. It’s good in general for mental and physical health. It releases stress. This also gives you flexibility to leave the house at a moments notice with that excuse. Naturally, always have your gym bags packed.

+1

Had to do this all whilst living with the high income verbal/ emotionally abusive narcissist spouse as well.

Get the kids independent as quickly as possible.

[Anonymous]

Wonder if the OP's DH wants "official" 50/50 custody just to reduce child support payments, but doesn't actually want his daughter around 50% of the time.

If you can afford it, consider telling him you don't want any child support at all so long as you have full custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won’t get more than 50/50.

Yes, I understand that and so I’m wondering:

1) at what age does DD get to pick where she gets to go and for how long

2) if the choice is 50/50, is it better to be in an abusive household 100 percent of the time with a mom to protect you and run interference, or an abusive household just 50 percent of the time but with no protection?

Question 2 is what I’m really stuck on.

These are questions to ask an attorney and a psychologist, not random strangers on the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won’t get more than 50/50.

Yes, I understand that and so I’m wondering:

1) at what age does DD get to pick where she gets to go and for how long

2) if the choice is 50/50, is it better to be in an abusive household 100 percent of the time with a mom to protect you and run interference, or an abusive household just 50 percent of the time but with no protection?

Question 2 is what I’m really stuck on.

These are questions to ask an attorney and a psychologist, not random strangers on the internet.

They will tell you whatever makes them the most money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wonder if the OP's DH wants "official" 50/50 custody just to reduce child support payments, but doesn't actually want his daughter around 50% of the time.

If you can afford it, consider telling him you don't want any child support at all so long as you have full custody.

OP and I know from things DH has said and how he has behaved that he will absolutely take 50/50 if it is an option and he will want DD around during that time, if only because he is really intense about how people perceive him and would absolutely want everyone to know when he had DD. Not saying he would spend quality time with her. She would probably miss a lot of meals and activities and would be doing stuff alone while he scrolled on the internet or looked at work emails.