Is it over when you can't seem to do the following actions anymore..?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you remind me of a friend. She said her husband was not a participant in her or her children’s lives and complained about it for years. She divorced her husband a few years ago and is now partnered with someone else and seems happy. She said that for years she didn’t think she could get divorced; it didn’t seem like an option. If your husband won’t go to therapy and doesn’t seem to care about making any changes to try to keep his family together, I suggest coming up with an exit plan.

That was her exit plan.

Legally coparenting with a loser is no cakewalk for you or the kids.

So launch the kids, as a married single mom, then decide to divorce or muddle on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here.

Yes, I often think of this scene and also, This Is 40 is literally our lives. The dynamic between Pete and Debbie in the "sequel" is so spot on for us. I literally watch it when I am having a shitty day. It's sad to me that it's funny and funny that it's sad.

Nobody tells you this but the worst years of marriage are when your kids are little. I have two kids and I love them to bits. But you need a lot of support throughout your life in all stages but especially when kids are little, or in school, and you are juggling home, work, school, childcare and eldercare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP can you do a separation? Ask him to move out while you both think about whether you want to save the marriage.

Sorry you are going through this. I am also considering divorce on a daily basis but the custody issue with kids is holding me back.

OP here. When I confronted him I was basically already there on the idea of separation.

But I admit I am weak and the thought of completely upending everything and trying to explain to my 8 year old seems very daunting.

Things felt better for a week or so, but he seems to be backsliding.

We have to be at a family gathering all weekend and for a few days next week.

By the end of the month I think I will have more clarity on what I want to do.

I am sorry you are also experiencing an unfilling marriage. I am wishing you all the best!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here.

Yes, I often think of this scene and also, This Is 40 is literally our lives. The dynamic between Pete and Debbie in the "sequel" is so spot on for us. I literally watch it when I am having a shitty day. It's sad to me that it's funny and funny that it's sad.

Nobody tells you this but the worst years of marriage are when your kids are little. I have two kids and I love them to bits. But you need a lot of support throughout your life in all stages but especially when kids are little, or in school, and you are juggling home, work, school, childcare and eldercare.

OP here. Oh I can believe it since yeah, it sucks.

Absolutely love all of my kids even though they are utterly exhausting.

Part of me thinks I can't do it alone, but then the other part is like.. you're already doing it 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can you do a separation? Ask him to move out while you both think about whether you want to save the marriage.

Sorry you are going through this. I am also considering divorce on a daily basis but the custody issue with kids is holding me back.

OP here. When I confronted him I was basically already there on the idea of separation.

But I admit I am weak and the thought of completely upending everything and trying to explain to my 8 year old seems very daunting.

Things felt better for a week or so, but he seems to be backsliding.

We have to be at a family gathering all weekend and for a few days next week.

By the end of the month I think I will have more clarity on what I want to do.

I am sorry you are also experiencing an unfilling marriage. I am wishing you all the best!

Seriously OP we are almost living parallel lives! I also have a family gathering of sorts coming up (with in law side) and I am dreading it.

I really share all your doubts about separation and divorce. I feel like divorce is an easy choice for couples where both are involved, trustworthy parents but they just don't get along with each other OR in instances of abuse because that is an obvious get out now. Those of us in the middle with various types of incompetent spouses are really stuck. There is no true freedom from these spouses and sometimes it might be easier to just manage the marriage.

I think in your case, you should really explore if he would want custody. He might want it out of vengeance as you say, but when reality hits, he might choose comfort over vengeance. This is where a separation might help, where you live separately and give him the kids for a week on his own. It forces him to envision his future and figure out what he really wants. For a man like this, it is either single life or to get you to stay. No way he truly wants sole responsibility for three kids for days on end. If he comes to terms with this, I think it would make sense for you to divorce.

I'm surprised he is ok with these memes given that he has 3 girls. Has he ever acted in a way that suggests he has misogynistic views? Has it at all impacted how he interacted with your daughters? Does he desire a boy and a lack thereof is the reason he is so detached?

[Anonymous]

Divorce. Your marriage won’t improve
Nor does it seem your husband even cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can you do a separation? Ask him to move out while you both think about whether you want to save the marriage.

Sorry you are going through this. I am also considering divorce on a daily basis but the custody issue with kids is holding me back.

OP here. When I confronted him I was basically already there on the idea of separation.

But I admit I am weak and the thought of completely upending everything and trying to explain to my 8 year old seems very daunting.

Things felt better for a week or so, but he seems to be backsliding.

We have to be at a family gathering all weekend and for a few days next week.

By the end of the month I think I will have more clarity on what I want to do.

I am sorry you are also experiencing an unfilling marriage. I am wishing you all the best!

I think in your case, you should really explore if he would want custody. He might want it out of vengeance as you say, but when reality hits, he might choose comfort over vengeance. This is where a separation might help, where you live separately and give him the kids for a week on his own. It forces him to envision his future and figure out what he really wants. For a man like this, it is either single life or to get you to stay. No way he truly wants sole responsibility for three kids for days on end. If he comes to terms with this, I think it would make sense for you to divorce.

If OP already fears he (and his parents) will be vindictive, she is probably spot on. "Comfort", meaning time alone without the kids also means he pays more child support, and he sounds like he really likes his money.

And the IL's sound like grandparents who will rush in to help their son with childcare and especially to stick it to the mean ex-wife who dared to leave their wonderful son.

And don't be surprised if they (as a team) go on the offensive and demand full custody due to OP's documented depression issues. People like this are nasty. Even if they don't succeed in the end, it will still cost OP a ton in attorney fees and mental stress.

OP, you either need to completely lower your expectations and muddle through the next 15 years as a "single" mom who happens to be married. You will have to accept the marriage is essentially over but you are living together and get to a workable day to day living situation. You have to stop ruminating on what might have/could have/maybe will be again. It's wasting your time when you are already exhausted.

Or you privately see a lawyer and find out what to expect financially, visitation, etc. Then you decide if you want that. Then you file the papers and tell him. You should not EVER tell him you are so upset you are thinking about leaving. It puts him in the driver's seat.

Right now, the idea of separating is really an unknown world to you. If you think you have problems now, wait until you see all the problems you will have being divorced. Just the upheaval in probably both of you needing to move, the stress that all the children will feel, having to fight over who sees the kids for holidays, who chooses vacation dates first, him not overseeing the kid's homework, baby coming back to you with diaper rash, him allowing a girlfriend to spend the night... it never ends. It could be so bad you will look back and think maybe your current situation wasn't so bad.

I'm not saying you should stay or you should get divorced. There are arguments for either choice. But just realize getting divorced will not solve your problems. It will just bring different problems to replace the problems you currently have.

While the txt message thing is vile, I think you are improperly focusing on it. It's a distracting opportunity for you to vent your frustration and justify your anger at him in general. It's a way for you to feel you are right, he is wrong and this proves it. You say it's why you don't want to say ILY back to him. No it's not - you don't want to say ILY because of all the other things he is or isn't doing. Stay on the main road in your thinking and don't go off on this sidebar that is just one of the many issues going on.

If you stay without much changing, you really need individual counseling so you can get to where you are not spending 10 hours a day ruminating, wishing, and ruminating some more.

If you stay, it might help to get a job and have the kids go out of the house to a care giver. Or take a job on Saturdays and just let him handle the kids however he sees fit. He can't do any worse than he would if you divorced. If you are thinking divorce, ask an attorney how seeking employment might help or hurt your case when you file.

Also, see your Dr to be sure you aren't depressed. Many of us would be depressed with your situation. I'm not sure how that goes along with recent baby hormones. And be sure to get on reliable birth control. With a long term problem marriage, the 3rd baby was not a great choice. Of course she's here now and you love her and wouldn't change anything, but you really, really do not need a 4th. Also, the baby and toddler years are so hard anyway. Maybe in 4 years things will seem a little more tolerable with kids who are more independent, potty trained, can feed and entertain themselves without need of constant supervision.

There are some positives. He's employed. He does some household chores. He has hobbies and makes friends. He still desires intimacy and at least says ILY. He could be an unemployed alcoholic who is too depressed to have outside interests or friends and who hasn't wanted to touch you in 5 years.

Be sure to make some time each day, or at least each week, to do something just for you. Whether it's a hobby, or taking a walk, reading a book at a cafe, or seeing a movie - be sure to have some hours where you are happy in the moment doing something that brings you a bit of joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10 years after an affair I can finally say I love you without then thinking I hate you.

It might take time.

OP here. I am glad you are at peace in your relationship now, even though it took a decade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an awfully long post.

13’yeats married and kids, then suddenly you have a baby and he is so neglectful and selfish?

Or he was that way the whole time? I don’t get it.

He seems extremely immature or he’s being passive aggressive so you divorce him. Cuz he thinks he’ll look bad if he divorces you.

OP here. Yes, apologies it was so long.

No, this wasn't a sudden thing. He has been like this for a long time now, but only during this last pregnancy is when it felt way more intense and frequent to me. Maybe it was hormones, I don't know.

And yeah, some have asked then why another baby? Probably too much to unpack here..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have threatened to leave with the kids. Why on earth would you leave YOUR home? Do you work and have a good salary? If not, employment should be high on your list. Or, use your family cash supply and return to school. Next, you are worried about custody? Do you really think this detached guy will want his kids 50% of the time? Make a decision.

Great point ..
All the wives of these cheating lackluster detached men seem to think so.
It always the excuse for them not to leave.

OP here. Yes, I do think he would. I envision a "sticking it to you" type mentality.

His parents are extremely vindictive and would also tell him to do the same. I have known them all for nearly 20 years. They would 1000% tell him to do this, if he didn't come up with it on his own.

I believe this.

For who and image he willy see the kids 50% of the time, do nothing, bring his mom in or a new girlfriend to do child’s care and schedules.

OP here.

Yes, I think he would be awfully ashamed if we did separate, so he'd need to be in repair mode from an image standpoint.

I doubt he would get another woman, at least not for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you don’t have kids with him. He shouldn’t be influencing kids with that stuff

They have 3 kids, one of whom is a baby.

They don't have a baby. OP has a baby:

[At] a medical appointment for my baby

Did OP clarify he is the father or parent?

OP here.

My husband is the father of all our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP can you do a separation? Ask him to move out while you both think about whether you want to save the marriage.

Sorry you are going through this. I am also considering divorce on a daily basis but the custody issue with kids is holding me back.

OP here.

Possibly, that was also kind of the purpose of confronting him, even if it wasn't the best idea.

Thankfully if we did, I would have a place to go with family.

Even though I am not the one causing hurt in the relationship, I have a lot of shame even thinking about separation and divorce.

And I completely understand your concern about custody.

I worry that my kids will be neglected when they were with him, since they are to extent even with me in the home. I wouldn't have any idea what would be taking place if I'm not there. And that scares me.

So sorry you're in a similarly shitty position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you sure he isn’t gay? I had a friend whose husband had similar “off” behaviors and concerns and it turned out he realized he is gay. They had children as well. They ended up divorcing and through much therapy for all, they are in a much better place. Strangely he now also has a better relationship with the kids than he did when they were living as a family.

OP here. I would be 1,000,000% shocked if he was. He only talks with other guys (co-workers, people he has befriended online due to shared interests/hobbies).

He definitely likes s*x with me, and I am a woman, so.. I think it's pretty farfetched. After I confronted him about being a misogynist, he insisted he is not, so I don't know, I guess..

NP here. I am not the PP who suggested he might be gay, but I had the same thought -- and I speak as someone whose (now ex) husband was cheating on me with men. I, too, was 1,000,000% shocked. He wanted sex with me daily, and I was the one with the "low" drive, though we still did it twice weekly. I have no idea if your husband is struggling with his sexuality, but i just wanted to say that your reasons for dismissing the idea are not sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can you do a separation? Ask him to move out while you both think about whether you want to save the marriage.

Sorry you are going through this. I am also considering divorce on a daily basis but the custody issue with kids is holding me back.

OP here. When I confronted him I was basically already there on the idea of separation.

But I admit I am weak and the thought of completely upending everything and trying to explain to my 8 year old seems very daunting.

Things felt better for a week or so, but he seems to be backsliding.

We have to be at a family gathering all weekend and for a few days next week.

By the end of the month I think I will have more clarity on what I want to do.

I am sorry you are also experiencing an unfilling marriage. I am wishing you all the best!

Seriously OP we are almost living parallel lives! I also have a family gathering of sorts coming up (with in law side) and I am dreading it.

I really share all your doubts about separation and divorce. I feel like divorce is an easy choice for couples where both are involved, trustworthy parents but they just don't get along with each other OR in instances of abuse because that is an obvious get out now. Those of us in the middle with various types of incompetent spouses are really stuck. There is no true freedom from these spouses and sometimes it might be easier to just manage the marriage.

I think in your case, you should really explore if he would want custody. He might want it out of vengeance as you say, but when reality hits, he might choose comfort over vengeance. This is where a separation might help, where you live separately and give him the kids for a week on his own. It forces him to envision his future and figure out what he really wants. For a man like this, it is either single life or to get you to stay. No way he truly wants sole responsibility for three kids for days on end. If he comes to terms with this, I think it would make sense for you to divorce.

I'm surprised he is ok with these memes given that he has 3 girls. Has he ever acted in a way that suggests he has misogynistic views? Has it at all impacted how he interacted with your daughters? Does he desire a boy and a lack thereof is the reason he is so detached?

OP here.

I'm so sorry you are also experiencing an unhappy marriage!

I agree that divorce seems "cut and dry" when both partners are still good parents.

My husband is constantly critical of things I do (I admit I criticize, too, at times, although I think mine is reactionary).

Even our 8 year old will defend me at times when he is belittling me. I think that's super effed up.

And I was also beyond shocked when I saw all that content. Especially given we have all girls who will grow up to become women themselves.

He frequently talks about women drivers being awful as the glaring example he is always tossing around.

He shared stuff that completely questions women's intelligence, our rationality, our mental stability, our ability to drive/park cars, our cooking, that were just here to clean/take care of kids, even a meme about be*stiality.

Just a ton of sexual bases memes, I was so taken aback.

He uses a private web browser for watching p*rn, too. He claims it's all "normal" content..

His relationship with our 8 year old is not good..

He says he is fine having three girls, although when we found out the gender of our third, he was all like, "wow, I'm so outnumbered now" and was making jokes and I could tell on his face he seemed a bit disappointed..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce. Your marriage won’t improve
Nor does it seem your husband even cares.

OP here.

Based on his backsliding after a few weeks, you're probably right 😞