Is it over when you can't seem to do the following actions anymore..?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He might be investing his energies into another woman.

OP here. He's not to my knowledge, although I did have that thought.

He talks to other guys who are also nerds and share the same interests as him.

I suppose I couldn't know for sure, he uses a private web browser for at least viewing p*rn. Not sure what else he uses it for, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just trying using the chat as a reason to blame him. Your relationship obviously has issues that go far beyond that, including your snooping.

So whats your answer? Should they stay together or separate?

Not the PP, but agree with the post. OP should be trying to identify her role in why he (apparently) doesn’t give a sh*t. That doesn’t happen in a vacuum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just trying using the chat as a reason to blame him. Your relationship obviously has issues that go far beyond that, including your snooping.

So whats your answer? Should they stay together or separate?

Not the PP, but agree with the post. OP should be trying to identify her role in why he (apparently) doesn’t give a sh*t. That doesn’t happen in a vacuum.

OP here.

I know I'm biased, so others will take my response with a grain of salt.

I'm a people pleaser. He knows this.

I will break myself to take care of others, not just my kids. I care too much about everyone and everything.

I make things as easy as possible for him when I have to leave the house. I "pre-start" things, give him explicit directions for the kids (because I hate having the kids be upset when he doesn't know their likes/dislikes).

He probably sees me as a pushover. Why does he need to care when I do plenty for the both of us?

I don't know, just thinking out loud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband never hugs me or says "I love you" so at least you have something to work with... try counseling.

OP here.

I am sorry you are also unhappy in your marriage.

Even though mine does these things, I can no longer see them as sincere. He might as well not even do them anymore.

Wishing you all the best.

[Anonymous]

OP, the Ick associated with seeing the chat is understandable. I would feel that way if I saw my husband engaging in something like that, at least temporarily. Longer if it felt like he wasn't taking my revulsion seriously.

The larger issue here is that you keep asking him to lean in on the marriage with books and having babies and asking for counseling, and he does not seem to want that. His hobbies don't involve you. He is disengaged from the children. He doesn't seem to want to participate in family activities.

You can either accept that you are married to a provider who gives you the Ick with his little r*pey memes, or you can leave him. He probably won't change that much, and you just have to decide to what extent you can live with that.

And don't ever tell someone you are thinking of leaving them until you mean it. It's emotionally abusive to use that as a strategy, and it's strategically stupid to reveal your plan before you have one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this guy is not gonna want 50/50. hell prob see divorce as a blessing to f off and pretend to be 20 again. no cares, no responsibilities. dont base staying or leaving off of that.

He’ll use 50/50 to get out of paying more support and then fob the kids off on his family members or the trade-in.

[Anonymous]

When did you last work full time? What is your career? How old are the 3 kids?

Get yourself back into the workforce to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’ve shared enough. Divorce.

Wow, did you read the post in it’s entirety??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the Ick associated with seeing the chat is understandable. I would feel that way if I saw my husband engaging in something like that, at least temporarily. Longer if it felt like he wasn't taking my revulsion seriously.

The larger issue here is that you keep asking him to lean in on the marriage with books and having babies and asking for counseling, and he does not seem to want that. His hobbies don't involve you. He is disengaged from the children. He doesn't seem to want to participate in family activities.

You can either accept that you are married to a provider who gives you the Ick with his little r*pey memes, or you can leave him. He probably won't change that much, and you just have to decide to what extent you can live with that.

And don't ever tell someone you are thinking of leaving them until you mean it. It's emotionally abusive to use that as a strategy, and it's strategically stupid to reveal your plan before you have one.

OP here.

I can agree with revealing a plan is dumb, but not that it's emotionally abusive, at least not in my case. This man has been physically, mentally, emotionally unavailable for me or his kids for years.

So I sound cold when I say I don't really care if he felt emotionally upset over it. And by the looks and reaction from him, it didn't seem to make much of an impact in the moment, nor in the time following.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any chance he felt like when the first kid was born, he stopped being special and felt like he could do bo right, in your eyes, once the transition to parenthood took place?

It sounds like you both feel unseen and unheard, he quit trying and you got angry and resentful. Counseling would be best since it sounds like there is a lot of history behind your post and both of you are harboring significant resentment towards each other.

A man that is jealous of his child is a disgusting POS.

Your interpretation of that comment was not how I meant it, but I can see why you read it that way. I should not have danced around the point- OP- did you have post partum depression or completely neglect him, unless you were complaining, after the birth of your kids? It is very common and he may feel like he has been enemy number one since he became a father, so the relationship is more adversarial than a partnership in his eyes.

Hope that cleared up the miscommunication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any chance he felt like when the first kid was born, he stopped being special and felt like he could do bo right, in your eyes, once the transition to parenthood took place?

It sounds like you both feel unseen and unheard, he quit trying and you got angry and resentful. Counseling would be best since it sounds like there is a lot of history behind your post and both of you are harboring significant resentment towards each other.

A man that is jealous of his child is a disgusting POS.

Your interpretation of that comment was not how I meant it, but I can see why you read it that way. I should not have danced around the point- OP- did you have post partum depression or completely neglect him, unless you were complaining, after the birth of your kids? It is very common and he may feel like he has been enemy number one since he became a father, so the relationship is more adversarial than a partnership in his eyes.

Hope that cleared up the miscommunication.

OP here.

I had PPD after our first. Fine after our second. Feel decent after third, I think I'm just more sad that my marriage finally seems to be ending. Not related to hormones, though.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you and would encourage him to go to counseling with you to work through the residual resentments and get back to a loving marriage. It sounds like he has quiet quit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When did you last work full time? What is your career? How old are the 3 kids?

Get yourself back into the workforce to start.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve shared enough. Divorce.

Wow, did you read the post in it’s entirety??

I did ..Ugh.

[Anonymous]