Is it over when you can't seem to do the following actions anymore..?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It just seemed like he didn't care."

He doesnt. He doesnt want to be a father or a husband. Leave him and he can pay child support and never see the kids he apparently despises.

OP here.

I feel like he truly doesn't care, especially because he showed no emotion during our conversation, and even said he understood if I did leave with the kids.

There was no "fight" from him, not even an ounce of desperation or horror from his actions once he was confronted how poorly I have felt for many years, but most especially from the recent chat discovery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you can't seem to say, "I love you" back, look at your spouse in the eyes (or even at all anymore), and you find yourself having trouble wanting to put into practice suggestions and tips on how to improve your marriage from books.. is it over??

3 weeks ago I found a ton of misogynistic and sexual memes (including a r*pe meme) on my husband's chat with two of his family members (brother and BIL).

I was completely disgusted, disturbed, and disappointed.

For a week and a half, I kept quiet, thinking about what to do.

Finally after that time I couldn't keep faking it and confronted him about it.

He became dismissive and said they were just jokes and defended them, saying he wasn't a misogynist because of those memes.

Mind you, our marriage has sucked for a long time, at least 7.5 years not being well (married for 13, been together for 18 years).

He is always off doing his own hobbies, running out to get supplies for said hobbies, outside mowing the grass (I get it needs to be done, but he enjoys the time away from us), organizing the garage, up in his office or basically anywhere that me and the kids aren't.

When he is physically present, he is NEVER mentally present.

He is always in his phone or laptop, chatting with some co-workers (whom he just spent the whole day/week talking to) or chatting with other people he has befriended from Facebook groups or forums.

I have repeatedly begged, yelled, cried over this simple fact that he ignores me and the kids and prefers to form and maintain relationships with people who are not his immediate family members, all to no avail.

He rarely helps with the kids, and when he does, it's because I have asked over and over again until he finally does.

The times I have to leave the house, our kids won't be fed, or if they are, it's scraps or simple snacks they got themselves, diapers won't be changed, and naps won't be had.

He never bathes the kids, except the few times I insist because I am so exhausted (we have three kids, one of whom is a baby).

When he does clean them, it all ends in disaster with the two older kids screaming and crying. He yells too much at our kids, simply for being kids. Yes, they run and scream and are loud. Not my favorite either but I let them be a little crazy at times because they're having fun with each other.

I feed, bathe, clothe, teach, play, do bedtime, make/take to medical appointments, nighttime with the baby, manage the day-to-day ops of the house.

He works from home but is always burnt out at the end of his work day and immediately goes into his own time mode with his hobbies and chat and Internet surfing.

He has a spending problem and has had it for a decade. He has lied to me about the real cost of some items he has bought over the years. He spends money like we're retired after long careers.

Even after our talk a week almost two weeks ago, he still asked me if he could buy an item for $2k. I once again got upset but didn't show it because we were out with family but I told him how upset it made me feel when we got home.

The point of me confronting him was to let him know just how close I felt to leaving him. To my shock, he showed no emotion during the entire conversation (90 minutes), while I was crying at multiple points.

He also said that he understood and agreed with me leaving if that is what I decided to do. I was also very surprised by this reaction.

It just seemed like he didn't care.

He said he would immediately put into place changes with regards to helping out with the kids and would read one of the marriage books I got 7 years ago.

He eventually said he needed to poop (uh huh) so the conversation ended at that point..

The only noticeable thing I have seen since then is he sometimes makes the kids breakfast on the weekends (nothing fancy, microwavable and toaster oven foods).

He still yells too much, still asks to spend big money, still disappears for times, runs off on tangents trying to find items instead of helping me with the kids (I had a horrible day this past Tuesday in which I broke down at a medical appointment for my baby and even after I asked to have him help once work was done, he still left me for hours).

We both read the marriage book but what's scaring me is the fact that I don't even know if I *want* to try and put these strategies into practice.

He still gives me hugs and says, "I love you" to me frequently but all I can seem to do is say, "yeah" or "yup" or "uh huh" back.

When I do say it to him it is reflective only, but I have noticed I only say it when I'm on the phone with him when he calls me.

It really feels strictly going through the motions.

I just don't know how to "move past" the horrible things I saw from him, because I feel like everything he does or says now has been painted with this sh!t. In the back of my mind, he still truly believes all the stuff he sent and I'm not sure I can "get over it."

My trust in him was nearly non-existent before this, but now it has been shattered.

There's a lot more than just the above, but without writing an even longer post, I'll just stop here.

When did you know it was over for you? Was it a flashpoint event or was it a lot of little things that chipped away at the relationship?

A lot of women will not tell you the truth but unfortunately a lot of married man are this way. Dont say in such a marriage. Not uncommon at all for men to simply checkout of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your marriage has been bad since you had children. Why on earth did you have 3 children with someone who you feel this way about?

OP here. Yes, things got worse after our first was born.

I'm not sure I could give you an answer to your question. Perhaps I felt maybe things would change, I don't know. I know I sound dumb.

We've been together for so long, I guess maybe I was also stuck in my ways. I love all of my children very much, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Darling, you are at the age and stage when life is terrible with kids, husband, ILs, health, money and career. Your choices even if you divorce him are not better. In fact, being in this marriage is as stable, as functional, as happy you will be for many, many, many years to come. Any other choice and your kids will be f88cked. These are the troubling and trying years. And if you play your cards right and make the sacrifices...you will come out a winner.

But yeah, you are where you are. It is not over . It is just how it is at this point in time.

Oh, you also will not have an insta-worthy romantic life, social life and family life. What's more, your friends don't have time for you, or, you will not have friends. Everyone is in this hell.

OP here.

I have no illusions of everything suddenly being amazing if I were to leave.

What exactly are you referring to when you say, "if I play my cards right and make sacrifices, I'll come out a winner?"

What examples are you talking about here?? 🤔

[Anonymous]

Most divorces filled by women are not due to infertility. What you are going through is one of the common reason. Women are often encouraged by other women to just deal with it or get an AP because the alternative is worse.

Well me men are not that forgiving. If I were married to woman like your husband I would divorce her.

Give him an ultimatum to change or you are out. A man who doesn't want to stay with his wife and kids is not a good role model for his children.

[Anonymous]

He might be investing his energies into another woman.

[Anonymous]

PP infidelity*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too long, I stopped reading at “I begged, cried …” this is bad!

Serve him with divorce papers, give him 50% custody of the kids and go live your best life.

OP here. I appreciate your reply.

[Anonymous]

Maybe women should just start forming house colonies of women and kids if the men would rather play about rape memes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most divorces filled by women are not due to infertility. What you are going through is one of the common reason. Women are often encouraged by other women to just deal with it or get an AP because the alternative is worse.

Well me men are not that forgiving. If I were married to woman like your husband I would divorce her.

Give him an ultimatum to change or you are out. A man who doesn't want to stay with his wife and kids is not a good role model for his children.

Anonymous wrote:Most divorces filled by women are not due to infertility. What you are going through is one of the common reason. Women are often encouraged by other women to just deal with it or get an AP because the alternative is worse.

Well me men are not that forgiving. If I were married to woman like your husband I would divorce her.

Give him an ultimatum to change or you are out. A man who doesn't want to stay with his wife and kids is not a good role model for his children.

OP here. I appreciate your reply.

Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy and maybe overreacting to the content I saw.

And yeah, I know that if I were to leave, it would be 15-18 years before I could reliably or responsibly seek out another person due to men's lack of desire to be with a single mother (not saying they're wrong, just stating what seems to be fact), nor would I necessarily want to have another man be in the forefront.

I also think about how powerless I would be with my kids with him, and at least now, I can monitor and intervene when necessary.

Just freaking sucks..

[Anonymous]

You’re just trying using the chat as a reason to blame him. Your relationship obviously has issues that go far beyond that, including your snooping.

[Anonymous]

Any chance he felt like when the first kid was born, he stopped being special and felt like he could do bo right, in your eyes, once the transition to parenthood took place?

It sounds like you both feel unseen and unheard, he quit trying and you got angry and resentful. Counseling would be best since it sounds like there is a lot of history behind your post and both of you are harboring significant resentment towards each other.

[Anonymous]

this guy is not gonna want 50/50. hell prob see divorce as a blessing to f off and pretend to be 20 again. no cares, no responsibilities. dont base staying or leaving off of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any chance he felt like when the first kid was born, he stopped being special and felt like he could do bo right, in your eyes, once the transition to parenthood took place?

It sounds like you both feel unseen and unheard, he quit trying and you got angry and resentful. Counseling would be best since it sounds like there is a lot of history behind your post and both of you are harboring significant resentment towards each other.

A man that is jealous of his child is a disgusting POS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re just trying using the chat as a reason to blame him. Your relationship obviously has issues that go far beyond that, including your snooping.

So whats your answer? Should they stay together or separate?