Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP can you do a separation? Ask him to move out while you both think about whether you want to save the marriage.
Sorry you are going through this. I am also considering divorce on a daily basis but the custody issue with kids is holding me back.
OP here. When I confronted him I was basically already there on the idea of separation.
But I admit I am weak and the thought of completely upending everything and trying to explain to my 8 year old seems very daunting.
Things felt better for a week or so, but he seems to be backsliding.
We have to be at a family gathering all weekend and for a few days next week.
By the end of the month I think I will have more clarity on what I want to do.
I am sorry you are also experiencing an unfilling marriage. I am wishing you all the best!
I think in your case, you should really explore if he would want custody. He might want it out of vengeance as you say, but when reality hits, he might choose comfort over vengeance. This is where a separation might help, where you live separately and give him the kids for a week on his own. It forces him to envision his future and figure out what he really wants. For a man like this, it is either single life or to get you to stay. No way he truly wants sole responsibility for three kids for days on end. If he comes to terms with this, I think it would make sense for you to divorce.
If OP already fears he (and his parents) will be vindictive, she is probably spot on. "Comfort", meaning time alone without the kids also means he pays more child support, and he sounds like he really likes his money.
And the IL's sound like grandparents who will rush in to help their son with childcare and especially to stick it to the mean ex-wife who dared to leave their wonderful son.
And don't be surprised if they (as a team) go on the offensive and demand full custody due to OP's documented depression issues. People like this are nasty. Even if they don't succeed in the end, it will still cost OP a ton in attorney fees and mental stress.
OP, you either need to completely lower your expectations and muddle through the next 15 years as a "single" mom who happens to be married. You will have to accept the marriage is essentially over but you are living together and get to a workable day to day living situation. You have to stop ruminating on what might have/could have/maybe will be again. It's wasting your time when you are already exhausted.
Or you privately see a lawyer and find out what to expect financially, visitation, etc. Then you decide if you want that. Then you file the papers and tell him. You should not EVER tell him you are so upset you are thinking about leaving. It puts him in the driver's seat.
Right now, the idea of separating is really an unknown world to you. If you think you have problems now, wait until you see all the problems you will have being divorced. Just the upheaval in probably both of you needing to move, the stress that all the children will feel, having to fight over who sees the kids for holidays, who chooses vacation dates first, him not overseeing the kid's homework, baby coming back to you with diaper rash, him allowing a girlfriend to spend the night... it never ends. It could be so bad you will look back and think maybe your current situation wasn't so bad.
I'm not saying you should stay or you should get divorced. There are arguments for either choice. But just realize getting divorced will not solve your problems. It will just bring different problems to replace the problems you currently have.
While the txt message thing is vile, I think you are improperly focusing on it. It's a distracting opportunity for you to vent your frustration and justify your anger at him in general. It's a way for you to feel you are right, he is wrong and this proves it. You say it's why you don't want to say ILY back to him. No it's not - you don't want to say ILY because of all the other things he is or isn't doing. Stay on the main road in your thinking and don't go off on this sidebar that is just one of the many issues going on.
If you stay without much changing, you really need individual counseling so you can get to where you are not spending 10 hours a day ruminating, wishing, and ruminating some more.
If you stay, it might help to get a job and have the kids go out of the house to a care giver. Or take a job on Saturdays and just let him handle the kids however he sees fit. He can't do any worse than he would if you divorced. If you are thinking divorce, ask an attorney how seeking employment might help or hurt your case when you file.
Also, see your Dr to be sure you aren't depressed. Many of us would be depressed with your situation. I'm not sure how that goes along with recent baby hormones. And be sure to get on reliable birth control. With a long term problem marriage, the 3rd baby was not a great choice. Of course she's here now and you love her and wouldn't change anything, but you really, really do not need a 4th. Also, the baby and toddler years are so hard anyway. Maybe in 4 years things will seem a little more tolerable with kids who are more independent, potty trained, can feed and entertain themselves without need of constant supervision.
There are some positives. He's employed. He does some household chores. He has hobbies and makes friends. He still desires intimacy and at least says ILY. He could be an unemployed alcoholic who is too depressed to have outside interests or friends and who hasn't wanted to touch you in 5 years.
Be sure to make some time each day, or at least each week, to do something just for you. Whether it's a hobby, or taking a walk, reading a book at a cafe, or seeing a movie - be sure to have some hours where you are happy in the moment doing something that brings you a bit of joy.
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