Is it over when you can't seem to do the following actions anymore..?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here.

Yes, I often think of this scene and also, This Is 40 is literally our lives. The dynamic between Pete and Debbie in the "sequel" is so spot on for us. I literally watch it when I am having a shitty day. It's sad to me that it's funny and funny that it's sad.

[Anonymous]

Is this what guys are up to when no one is watching? Shameful. I can't respect anyone who jokes about rape says alot about their character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this what guys are up to when no one is watching? Shameful. I can't respect anyone who jokes about rape says alot about their character.

OP here.

Clearly this is what my husband does, and completely sh!ts on women. His father (my FIL) is no doubt a misogynist and is abusive to his wife (my MIL).

It's no wonder that my husband (and his brother, but not as bad) "joke" about all this stuff and see nothing wrong with it.

My FIL has anger and rage issues. Again, not surprising why my husband is the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the Ick associated with seeing the chat is understandable. I would feel that way if I saw my husband engaging in something like that, at least temporarily. Longer if it felt like he wasn't taking my revulsion seriously.

The larger issue here is that you keep asking him to lean in on the marriage with books and having babies and asking for counseling, and he does not seem to want that. His hobbies don't involve you. He is disengaged from the children. He doesn't seem to want to participate in family activities.

You can either accept that you are married to a provider who gives you the Ick with his little r*pey memes, or you can leave him. He probably won't change that much, and you just have to decide to what extent you can live with that.

And don't ever tell someone you are thinking of leaving them until you mean it. It's emotionally abusive to use that as a strategy, and it's strategically stupid to reveal your plan before you have one.

OP here.

I can agree with revealing a plan is dumb, but not that it's emotionally abusive, at least not in my case. This man has been physically, mentally, emotionally unavailable for me or his kids for years.

So I sound cold when I say I don't really care if he felt emotionally upset over it. And by the looks and reaction from him, it didn't seem to make much of an impact in the moment, nor in the time following.

It not working doesn't make it NOT emotionally abusive. Don't tell your spouse you're leaving them unless you're leaving them, period.

You missed the other 95% of my point, seemingly.

Trying to get a reaction from him is not going to work. Stop doing that. Start planning for the future you actually want, because the future where he finally gets it and does what you want is unlikely to manifest.

[Anonymous]

It is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here.

Yes, I often think of this scene and also, This Is 40 is literally our lives. The dynamic between Pete and Debbie in the "sequel" is so spot on for us. I literally watch it when I am having a shitty day. It's sad to me that it's funny and funny that it's sad.

This is your marriage? Really? It’s so high school. You are wasting your years.

[Anonymous]

OP you remind me of a friend. She said her husband was not a participant in her or her children’s lives and complained about it for years. She divorced her husband a few years ago and is now partnered with someone else and seems happy. She said that for years she didn’t think she could get divorced; it didn’t seem like an option. If your husband won’t go to therapy and doesn’t seem to care about making any changes to try to keep his family together, I suggest coming up with an exit plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you remind me of a friend. She said her husband was not a participant in her or her children’s lives and complained about it for years. She divorced her husband a few years ago and is now partnered with someone else and seems happy. She said that for years she didn’t think she could get divorced; it didn’t seem like an option. If your husband won’t go to therapy and doesn’t seem to care about making any changes to try to keep his family together, I suggest coming up with an exit plan.

OP here. Thanks for your reply.

Part of me worries about custody issues, and if he has physical custody 50% of the time, that is time where I will have zero ability to really know what's going on. My 8 year old would be able to convey information but shouldn't have to do that.

I just keep thinking of the whole, "better the devil you know than the devil you don't" thing.. 😫

I'm glad your friend has found peace and happiness!

[Anonymous]

So you have threatened to leave with the kids. Why on earth would you leave YOUR home? Do you work and have a good salary? If not, employment should be high on your list. Or, use your family cash supply and return to school. Next, you are worried about custody? Do you really think this detached guy will want his kids 50% of the time? Make a decision.

[Anonymous]

I stopped reading at his reaction to the memes. OP I have NEVER given this advice on DCUM and generally cringe when others do but GET OUT NOW before you procreate with this man and create more misogynistic boys or girls who think it’s ok that men feel this way about them.

[Anonymous]

OP. He is a disgusting misogynist. Do your daughters a favor and divorce him so they don’t grow up to make the same mistake you did. No daughter deserves to be raised by a man who thinks rape memes are funny. WTF is his problem and wtf is your problem for even considering staying with this disgusting human being?

[Anonymous]

OP-I’m sorry this is so difficult. Yes, it sounds like it’s time to end this. But before that, I would suggest that you get into therapy immediately. If he’s not going, that’s on him. But nothing is stopping you. Divorce will be rough, and you want to have a space where you can work through all the emotions and challenges you will be confronting.

You will get through it. Do not let the “But he’ll have the kids and I won’t know what’s going on” stop you from moving forward. I will be my paycheck that he will not want very much time with them. You can get through this. There are brighter days in your future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is over.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you have threatened to leave with the kids. Why on earth would you leave YOUR home? Do you work and have a good salary? If not, employment should be high on your list. Or, use your family cash supply and return to school. Next, you are worried about custody? Do you really think this detached guy will want his kids 50% of the time? Make a decision.

Great point ..
All the wives of these cheating lackluster detached men seem to think so.
It always the excuse for them not to leave.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you sure he isn’t gay? I had a friend whose husband had similar “off” behaviors and concerns and it turned out he realized he is gay. They had children as well. They ended up divorcing and through much therapy for all, they are in a much better place. Strangely he now also has a better relationship with the kids than he did when they were living as a family.