When a friend asks for something of yours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your husband's relationship with this woman? I cannot image he would be anything but shocked and possibly angry that she had asked for his gift to you and that you would consider giving it away.

He was (understandably) baffled that she would ask for the gift and also mad at me that I’d even consider it. He has remarked that she’s often very inappropriate. And she is judgmental of him in her way. They have an ok relationship, but they are so different so it’s more of a surface relationship.

[Anonymous]

Your friend was raised wrong or didn't listen.

Children are trained early that you can't take other people's things or ask for them.

Also to deal with the disappointment of not being able to buy for oneself, the exact thing that somebody else has.

It's personality flaw to be hung up on an object belonging to someone else and not be able to either overcome the covetousness or figure out a substitute or "better than" item to purchase for oneself.

Your friend is self-centered.

[Anonymous]

No friend would ask this of you, OP.
Please distance yourself.

Sometimes people we love have mental illness, and become inappropriate. Maybe this friend is on the spectrum, but this does not excuse her actions, it merely explains them. She needs to be told no. Sometimes people we love are in genuinely distressing situations, and in those cases, you give what they need: money, rides to their chemo appointments, care for their kids or pets, etc. No one in dire need asks for a poster.

Finally: look up the price of this poster online. It may be an expensive collectors' item now, which might explain your friend's insistence...

[Anonymous]

Find the vintage poster on eBay or the like and buy it to surprise her one day. Do not give her your beloved one.

[Anonymous]

What movie is it? We can help you search for another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd get rid of the friend. Unbelievably entitled

This!!! My fiends never ask me for stuff like that. No this is not normal op. Your fiends is a user. Dump her and keep the poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading these responses, I really didn’t expect it to be so unanimous.

It mostly comes down to how I was taught as a child to not have any of my own desires or needs, but to to cater to others, and even as I did, I was still made to feel as if I was a selfish person that did not meet my parents’ expectations of how I should be as their daughter. My mom is still lecturing me regularly to be selfless and cater to my husband’s and in-laws’, and her needs.

But I’m a grown-a** woman now and should be beyond all this, and I’m a lot better but not 100 percent.

I’ve always been “open-minded” and “tolerant” but I do think that is a double edged sword. I try to give people leeway and the benefit of the doubt and be understanding. But that also comes with resentment and anger when I’m unable to set appropriate boundaries and respect my own needs and wants.

Being "open-minded" and "tolerant" are NOT what you're doing.

You really need to be back in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find the vintage poster on eBay or the like and buy it to surprise her one day. Do not give her your beloved one.

DO NOT DO THIS! The best thing OP can do is say no one final time and mean it. Why would you recommend someone be guilted into spending money on something for a person who has been so aggressive about asking for someone else's property?

[Anonymous]

She is what is called a manipulative martyr. Does SO MUCH for others, even unsolicited things. And never gets treated well!

Maybe one or both of you are from cultures where it's bad luck to not give something when asked, but that is bizarre for most of us here.

Next time she asks for it or makes snide comments tell her it is special to your family and you are no ever giving it away. Tell her this is the last conversation about this and if she continues to ask or make insinuations you are done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend was raised wrong or didn't listen.

Children are trained early that you can't take other people's things or ask for them.

Also to deal with the disappointment of not being able to buy for oneself, the exact thing that somebody else has.

It's personality flaw to be hung up on an object belonging to someone else and not be able to either overcome the covetousness or figure out a substitute or "better than" item to purchase for oneself.

Your friend is self-centered.

Op here, and I have to say, she’s not the only person that’s done this. I had another friend who would just ask for things- little things like a pair of field hockey shorts I had since HS, or a clock I had since freshman year of college. But she also was very generous with things and I just gave it to her, although I still had a major sentimental attachment to those things. And my cousin is also very covetous, and while she doesn’t ask directly, she lays on the big time guilt and “jokingly” drops a lot of hints.

So it’s not out of the norm for me. These friends or family has kind of a what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine kind of thinking. And now that I’m thinking of these 3 people, I’m realizing they all had attachment issues with their moms. Either not around, or abandoned them, or they were very emotionally immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No friend would ask this of you, OP.
Please distance yourself.

Sometimes people we love have mental illness, and become inappropriate. Maybe this friend is on the spectrum, but this does not excuse her actions, it merely explains them. She needs to be told no. Sometimes people we love are in genuinely distressing situations, and in those cases, you give what they need: money, rides to their chemo appointments, care for their kids or pets, etc. No one in dire need asks for a poster.

Finally: look up the price of this poster online. It may be an expensive collectors' item now, which might explain your friend's insistence...

Yes, I think it is actually probably worth a lot of money. I never had it assessed though.

[Anonymous]

The fact you have had three friends like this means there is something going on with you that you put up with this nonsense. I’m not blaming you — these people are terrible. But I’m 51 with lots of friends over many years. No one has ever asked me something like this. I do think you need more insight as to why you remain friends with people like this.

[Anonymous]

This is so bizarre. I’ve never heard of a friend outright asking to be given a personal possession. I mean how does one even go about that? “Hey I like this. Can I have it?” Then to keep asking after being told no. It’s beyond inappropriate and weird. Dump this friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact you have had three friends like this means there is something going on with you that you put up with this nonsense. I’m not blaming you — these people are terrible. But I’m 51 with lots of friends over many years. No one has ever asked me something like this. I do think you need more insight as to why you remain friends with people like this.

Many of us learn these behaviors from one of our parents so the behavior is familiar and we don't shy away from it as other people might, even if it makes us uncomfortable. OP - the first step is to acknowledge that your friend's behavior makes you really uncomfortable. The next step is to ask yourself why you invited someone like this into your life. And then you work on learning to build boundaries in your relationships and not to say yes when you really want to say no. Who cares that this person does so much for others. That doesn't actually make them a good person. Selflessness can be a good trait but not always. They feed off people like you who think you must be crazy to say no to someone who is seemingly so generous to others with their time. You are not a bad person for having manipulative people in your life but you can definitely learn how to stop the cycle once you understand why you do this.

[Anonymous]

Normal people don’t ask their friends to give them things. This is insane. It’s YOUR poster. You don’t owe her anything.