People love saying they’re inclusive of neurodiversity and disability. They’re not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not on the spectrum, and I wasn’t invited to a ton of parties as a kid probably because I was a shy, chubby kid. I wasn’t mean or demanding, I was just super quiet. I don’t think it was because the other kids hated me, they just didn’t think of me when putting their lists together. Nobody owed me an invite. Going to birthday parties isn’t a human right. It’s just a bonus.

Life isn’t fair. There isn’t equality. My immigrant parents taught me that from a very early age. Don’t expect it and you won’t be disappointed.

Have you tried to make a community with other kids with disabilities? That is very much a community, and you can have the parties be as accessible as you all need—low lights, low music, etc. so your child can enjoy the party on their terms.

I’m not trying to say “you go here, we go there” at ALL. I’m just saying that if it isn’t happening naturally, instead of getting angry and resentful, you figure something else out. That’s what I’ve done when I’ve been left out and what I tell my own kids to do when they’ve been left out in the past.

You can get super resentful or get creative.

It’s just so stark because I have one of each. In one grade, I’m a full citizen. In another grade, for reasons that I’ve spent thousands trying to overcome, some people can’t even meet the basic standards of politeness. I’m not asking for a new best friend. I’m asking for a lack of social rejection based on something that is happening *to* me. Remember, I am not autistic. I am *related* to someone who is autistic. People treated me quite well before I had kids. I remember being normal. My life had been forever changed and people make it worse by punishing me for things beyond my control. Then some of them put out yard signs that trumpet “kindness is everything”.

No one is punishing you and no one owes you anything. The victim complex (you're not a victim, BTW) is off-putting.

+1 This victimese nonsense is really offputting. "my kid is disabled so you owe meeee!!!" No, we don't. Nobody does. And you acting entitled and calling people out on their politics reveals exactly why you have no friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s taken you this long to learn that most leftists are hypocrites?

+1000. This, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will vote for politicians who push for money for special ed in all forms. Because I believe that's important. At the same time, I know my limits, and I can't handle kids really deep into the autistic spectrum, I can't change the diaper of a non-baby that's not mine, and I can't handle tantrums and non-verbal kids at a party of 25 kids. Everyone has a bandwidth.

Of course you do. Because it's someone else's money and you can give yourself a pat on the back for being so "supportive."

You're exactly the kind of person OP is talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s DEI.

I think you need to work this out with a therapist.

The E stands for equity and it’s more a function of making sure there’s equal pay in the workplace. Not really the point the post is trying to make which is children being included.

Equity is important in school because some kids get an hour of reading lesson and some people get an hour and a half because that’s what they need. That is equity.

Equity would be giving everyone an hour and a half whether they need it or not.

Except that some people would then claim they need 2 hours, because they need "more time than everyone else." You can't win on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not on the spectrum, and I wasn’t invited to a ton of parties as a kid probably because I was a shy, chubby kid. I wasn’t mean or demanding, I was just super quiet. I don’t think it was because the other kids hated me, they just didn’t think of me when putting their lists together. Nobody owed me an invite. Going to birthday parties isn’t a human right. It’s just a bonus.

Life isn’t fair. There isn’t equality. My immigrant parents taught me that from a very early age. Don’t expect it and you won’t be disappointed.

Have you tried to make a community with other kids with disabilities? That is very much a community, and you can have the parties be as accessible as you all need—low lights, low music, etc. so your child can enjoy the party on their terms.

I’m not trying to say “you go here, we go there” at ALL. I’m just saying that if it isn’t happening naturally, instead of getting angry and resentful, you figure something else out. That’s what I’ve done when I’ve been left out and what I tell my own kids to do when they’ve been left out in the past.

You can get super resentful or get creative.

It’s just so stark because I have one of each. In one grade, I’m a full citizen. In another grade, for reasons that I’ve spent thousands trying to overcome, some people can’t even meet the basic standards of politeness. I’m not asking for a new best friend. I’m asking for a lack of social rejection based on something that is happening *to* me. Remember, I am not autistic. I am *related* to someone who is autistic. People treated me quite well before I had kids. I remember being normal. My life had been forever changed and people make it worse by punishing me for things beyond my control. Then some of them put out yard signs that trumpet “kindness is everything”.

I agree that the hypocrisy stings. And I’m sorry OP is suffering.

But truly, it does no good to dwell on it. My motto is “what other people think of me is none of my business.”

Church communities that value people on a spiritual level are a good option.

[Anonymous]

Two points.

One is that, to put it bluntly, I only care that your child is mean to mine or is a big burden at events or rude or has huge meltdowns or even just is a kid mine don’t get along with. I don’t care why he is that way because it’s not my kid - it’s all the same to me if it’s because he has a disability or is a jerk. People, including kids, want to invite people they enjoy having around and with whom they have pleasant interactions. I would not expect people who don’t like my children to invite them over either.

Second - that poster that complains that people are rude to them because they don’t like their kid. If those parents don’t know that the kid has a disability then it’s natural for them to assume it’s just a jerk of a kid and therefore there is bad parenting involved. People judge bad parenting like they do all bad behavior. (And sometimes just don’t want to be around drama, whatever the reason, see point one.)

Also, arguing that people who want funding for disabled programs must invite your child over or be a hypocrite is bizarre. I believe my taxes should go to support adequate prison conditions but I don’t want to hang out with prisoners. I believe people should have a right to (and support public money going towards) rehab, homeless services etc. I do not want a drug addicted homeless person in my house and neither do majority of people who advocate for those policies. There is a huge delta between “people should have a right to a decent education and job opportunity regardless of disability” and “and we must be BFFs.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s taken you this long to learn that most leftists are hypocrites?

+1000. This, OP.

Says the party that claims to be “pro life” while also being pro gun. On what planet is that not hypocritical???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not on the spectrum, and I wasn’t invited to a ton of parties as a kid probably because I was a shy, chubby kid. I wasn’t mean or demanding, I was just super quiet. I don’t think it was because the other kids hated me, they just didn’t think of me when putting their lists together. Nobody owed me an invite. Going to birthday parties isn’t a human right. It’s just a bonus.

Life isn’t fair. There isn’t equality. My immigrant parents taught me that from a very early age. Don’t expect it and you won’t be disappointed.

Have you tried to make a community with other kids with disabilities? That is very much a community, and you can have the parties be as accessible as you all need—low lights, low music, etc. so your child can enjoy the party on their terms.

I’m not trying to say “you go here, we go there” at ALL. I’m just saying that if it isn’t happening naturally, instead of getting angry and resentful, you figure something else out. That’s what I’ve done when I’ve been left out and what I tell my own kids to do when they’ve been left out in the past.

You can get super resentful or get creative.

It’s just so stark because I have one of each. In one grade, I’m a full citizen. In another grade, for reasons that I’ve spent thousands trying to overcome, some people can’t even meet the basic standards of politeness. I’m not asking for a new best friend. I’m asking for a lack of social rejection based on something that is happening *to* me. Remember, I am not autistic. I am *related* to someone who is autistic. People treated me quite well before I had kids. I remember being normal. My life had been forever changed and people make it worse by punishing me for things beyond my control. Then some of them put out yard signs that trumpet “kindness is everything”.

No one is punishing you and no one owes you anything. The victim complex (you're not a victim, BTW) is off-putting.

+1 This victimese nonsense is really offputting. "my kid is disabled so you owe meeee!!!" No, we don't. Nobody does. And you acting entitled and calling people out on their politics reveals exactly why you have no friends.

Well then don’t put a sign on your lawn about kindness; don’t blather about the school values of “empathy”; and certainly don’t act sweet as pie when I am room mom because you want something when you treated me like a pariah the year before when my child was having a tough time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two points.

One is that, to put it bluntly, I only care that your child is mean to mine or is a big burden at events or rude or has huge meltdowns or even just is a kid mine don’t get along with. I don’t care why he is that way because it’s not my kid - it’s all the same to me if it’s because he has a disability or is a jerk. People, including kids, want to invite people they enjoy having around and with whom they have pleasant interactions. I would not expect people who don’t like my children to invite them over either.

Second - that poster that complains that people are rude to them because they don’t like their kid. If those parents don’t know that the kid has a disability then it’s natural for them to assume it’s just a jerk of a kid and therefore there is bad parenting involved. People judge bad parenting like they do all bad behavior. (And sometimes just don’t want to be around drama, whatever the reason, see point one.)

Also, arguing that people who want funding for disabled programs must invite your child over or be a hypocrite is bizarre. I believe my taxes should go to support adequate prison conditions but I don’t want to hang out with prisoners. I believe people should have a right to (and support public money going towards) rehab, homeless services etc. I do not want a drug addicted homeless person in my house and neither do majority of people who advocate for those policies. There is a huge delta between “people should have a right to a decent education and job opportunity regardless of disability” and “and we must be BFFs.”

I truly hope you are never in a position where you are the one in need of a friendly hand and someone going out of their way to help you feel like you belong. You can only rant like that because you are blessed with NT kids presumably - you know they will be OK even if they don’t get invited to one party. what OP is saying is something different. she doesn’t expect play dates but merely basic courtesy and kindness and inclusion at events where everyone comes (like all-class parties or school events) and for people to be decent to her as a person.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry that you feel isolated. That is the reality of having kids in the spectrum. Having been through this with 2 kids, my advice is to focus on friendships for yourself that are completely separate from your child. And then search for connections for your kid with similar kids in situations in which your child can be successful, which likely isn’t a birthday party with 20 kids and chaos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stopped including the autistic kid down the street after he slammed my kid’s head into the cinder block wall at school and on a separate occasion choked my other smaller child. No more play dates, no more invites. Not worth it. Not sure why your kid is being left out, but there might be a reason.

+1
I work with some autistic colleagues (science) and I usually stop inviting them to join us socially after the 3rd major insult to me or someone else publicly

Didn’t take long for this post to go from “we simply dont know how to handle kids like that” to “we hate them because they are bead and don’t deserve to be included.” Truly disgusting. Grow the eff up.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should focus on yourself and your household. Remove all expectations you have for “people in this area.” Put the energy and attention you have on them and redirect onto your nucleus. Those kiddos need you…all of you…you will start to see some positive changes.

[Anonymous]

Op, pushing your kid into environments where they are uncomfortable and act out because you want to feel ‘normal’ is not fair to your kid or other families. There are so many ND affirming events/clubs/outings now compared to years passed where your kid can actually be accepted and included, I’m worried you are actually ashamed of the diagnosis and attempting to live in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, pushing your kid into environments where they are uncomfortable and act out because you want to feel ‘normal’ is not fair to your kid or other families. There are so many ND affirming events/clubs/outings now compared to years passed where your kid can actually be accepted and included, I’m worried you are actually ashamed of the diagnosis and attempting to live in denial.

you mean like the school where her child is enrolled? And that she should keep them out of public because they might do something not normal?

And no, there are not a plethora of “ND affirming events” here.

[Anonymous]

Where did you get the idea we are inclusive? We are not. I think students with significant special needs are best served in separate classrooms.

Which is the opposite of inclusive. I am sorry you misunderstood many of our feelings.