Do you think it's okay to criticize the behavior of a kid who is not yours?

[Anonymous]

If a 4th grader acts like an a-hole, then I refer to them as such in private conversations. Including my own kid!

Some of you all seem super sensitive. Shocked by cuss words. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I think you were wrong OP. There was really no reason to bring this kid up at all to your friend or call them names. You could have just said the school year is going fine (because it is), and your daughter is looking forward to a change of scene in middle school.

[Anonymous]

I think it's fine, but I know a girl who is so unbelievably cruel and unkind, so I have definitely referred to her as an a-hole in conversations with my husband. I don't really care why she's like that, although I have ideas, and of course some of them are not her fault (i.e. her parents are divorced, she's an only child), but she also chooses to be mean on a regular basis and it's been like this for 5 years. I'm over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think both things are true. I think you’re way too focused on this other kid. And I also have a quieter kid and know kids like this. Worry about your own child. She’s likely picking up on you here - most kids really aren’t that concerned about other kids. It’s a nice thing about kids. You sound insecure and fixated on this other child. And I do think kids can be challenging but most are not inherently bad. As for calling the kid a name, I might call my own child an a-hole but no, I’m not calling someone else’s child an a-hole. That’s off. Bottom line, focus on your kid and teach her to do the same. This kind of focus ends up causing bitterness and chronic feelings of it’s so unfaaaaair which is just not helpful. And a little pathetic.

I think most kids are concerned about kids who pick on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s alarming how many people here will side with bullying a kid. However, it proves that insecurities like this child’s are hard to overcome! Be better, everyone!

Calling a kid an a-hole behind their back isn't bullying. Please. And no, my kids have never been accused of bullying, nor have I.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would guess that your friend is friendly with that mom?
There is a kid who is a bit obnoxious and his mom is standoff ish and I hear parents complaining about that kid constantly. But another kid who is even worse gets off with "spirited" because his mom is popular. People will say "Dave and Mary are the most amazing people. It's a shame their kids are so rude." As if the parents had nothing to do with it.

OP here and no, my friend doesn't have kids at this school and has never met these people. She just objects to me calling this kid an ***hole.

Yes, most people would object. Stop that. It makes YOU the horrible person in the story, OP because as an adult, you should know better.

OP here. I truly am not being intentionally dense here, but: what is horrible about it?

It's not like I'm calling this kid an ***hole to her face. I've seen her do things I think are just egregious. A recent example was watching her loudly make fun of kids who need after-school tutoring for reading at a school even where those kids could definitely hear her. I said nothing. But in my head, I thought "wow, what an ***hole" because, well, what an ***hole. And I still don't get what is wrong with thinking that or even expressing it to a friend in confidence.

OP, you had to know you'd get slammed her by the sanctimommies who probably do way worse stuff than call a kid a glass bowl when talking to their friend. Your friend is entitled to her opinion, and you're entitled to yours. I'm on your side, for what it's worth, but I don't think that makes us right. It just makes us unlike the people who will call you a bully, and I'm very, very much ok with not being like those people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's okay to criticize the behavior of a kid who is not yours.

No, it's not okay to refer t a kid as an a-hole to other people.

Agree with this. It's gross to call a 4th grader a curse word. You crossed a line there.

It's not being said to the child's face. It's an accurate description of the child. Is it somehow better to call the kid a bully? A mean girl? A jerk? What about a b word? A c word? Can you call a boy a d word? I just want to make sure I have a copy of your rules so I can follow along.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It’s alarming how many people here will side with bullying a kid. However, it proves that insecurities like this child’s are hard to overcome! Be better, everyone!

No one is bullying a kid FFS. She was talking to another adult and the kid in question will never know about it.

You're fine with getting called an ***hole by other people if you never get to know about it?

Yeah, I don't think you are, hypocrite.

Why would I care? I would prefer that someone call me that to my face if I'm being an a**hole but I couldn't care less.

+1, I'm sure people have called me names behind my back before and I don't really have an issue with it. What other people think of me is none of my business.

Lies. You do care. You would not want any parent calling your kid an ***hole, even if none of you knew about it. Stop trolling on DCUM. I bet you made up this thread solely to argue about this.

First of all, sometimes my kid *is* being an ***hole. And while it doesn't bring me pleasure to think that others might be thinking that or saying it out loud behind my back, it doesn't make me upset with them. In those instances, I am focused on correcting my child's problematic behavior.

It's crazy to me that people seem to think the worst possible thing that can happen here is that someone calls your kid a mean name in a private conversation you never hear about.

Obviously the bigger issue is that your kid behaves in a way that makes people (even just in their heads) think "wow, what an ***hole."

Fix the behavior, and what people think about your kid won't matter so much to you anymore. You're feeling defensive because you know your kid sometimes acts like this and you'd rather try to stop other people from observing and commenting on it than do the hard work of parenting to address it.

+1000

I can't be friends with someone who doesn't think their own kid is sometimes an a**hole. All kids are sometimes. I know a mom who thinks her kid can do no wrong and that kid is the biggest a**hole out there. Interesting how that works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so insane to even be venting about someone else’s kid to another parent, let alone calling the kid an a**hole.

Well, some of us have friends we talk to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I think you were wrong OP. There was really no reason to bring this kid up at all to your friend or call them names. You could have just said the school year is going fine (because it is), and your daughter is looking forward to a change of scene in middle school.

What kind of friendships do you have?! Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It’s alarming how many people here will side with bullying a kid. However, it proves that insecurities like this child’s are hard to overcome! Be better, everyone!

No one is bullying a kid FFS. She was talking to another adult and the kid in question will never know about it.

You're fine with getting called an ***hole by other people if you never get to know about it?

Yeah, I don't think you are, hypocrite.

Why would I care? I would prefer that someone call me that to my face if I'm being an a**hole but I couldn't care less.

+1, I'm sure people have called me names behind my back before and I don't really have an issue with it. What other people think of me is none of my business.

Lies. You do care. You would not want any parent calling your kid an ***hole, even if none of you knew about it. Stop trolling on DCUM. I bet you made up this thread solely to argue about this.

First of all, sometimes my kid *is* being an ***hole. And while it doesn't bring me pleasure to think that others might be thinking that or saying it out loud behind my back, it doesn't make me upset with them. In those instances, I am focused on correcting my child's problematic behavior.

It's crazy to me that people seem to think the worst possible thing that can happen here is that someone calls your kid a mean name in a private conversation you never hear about.

Obviously the bigger issue is that your kid behaves in a way that makes people (even just in their heads) think "wow, what an ***hole."

Fix the behavior, and what people think about your kid won't matter so much to you anymore. You're feeling defensive because you know your kid sometimes acts like this and you'd rather try to stop other people from observing and commenting on it than do the hard work of parenting to address it.

+1000

I can't be friends with someone who doesn't think their own kid is sometimes an a**hole. All kids are sometimes. I know a mom who thinks her kid can do no wrong and that kid is the biggest a**hole out there. Interesting how that works.

This is irrelevant. Calling your own kid’s behavior out is your job, it’s done out of your commitment and responsibility to raising them, and it’s done in their best interests. It’s done with a belief they are capable of being better. That’s completely different than the attitude of calling a kid a name just to be mean spirited, and with no acknowledgment for that kid’s humanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I think you were wrong OP. There was really no reason to bring this kid up at all to your friend or call them names. You could have just said the school year is going fine (because it is), and your daughter is looking forward to a change of scene in middle school.

So you sugarcoat your real experiences and feelings in private conversations with friends because you think it's hurtful to privately criticize someone who has been objectively rude to your kid in a way that impacts you directly?

I'm sorry, that's nuts. If a friend asks me "hey how is everything going with DD?" I am going to answer honestly because otherwise what is the point of that conversation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It’s alarming how many people here will side with bullying a kid. However, it proves that insecurities like this child’s are hard to overcome! Be better, everyone!

No one is bullying a kid FFS. She was talking to another adult and the kid in question will never know about it.

You're fine with getting called an ***hole by other people if you never get to know about it?

Yeah, I don't think you are, hypocrite.

Why would I care? I would prefer that someone call me that to my face if I'm being an a**hole but I couldn't care less.

+1, I'm sure people have called me names behind my back before and I don't really have an issue with it. What other people think of me is none of my business.

Lies. You do care. You would not want any parent calling your kid an ***hole, even if none of you knew about it. Stop trolling on DCUM. I bet you made up this thread solely to argue about this.

First of all, sometimes my kid *is* being an ***hole. And while it doesn't bring me pleasure to think that others might be thinking that or saying it out loud behind my back, it doesn't make me upset with them. In those instances, I am focused on correcting my child's problematic behavior.

It's crazy to me that people seem to think the worst possible thing that can happen here is that someone calls your kid a mean name in a private conversation you never hear about.

Obviously the bigger issue is that your kid behaves in a way that makes people (even just in their heads) think "wow, what an ***hole."

Fix the behavior, and what people think about your kid won't matter so much to you anymore. You're feeling defensive because you know your kid sometimes acts like this and you'd rather try to stop other people from observing and commenting on it than do the hard work of parenting to address it.

+1000

I can't be friends with someone who doesn't think their own kid is sometimes an a**hole. All kids are sometimes. I know a mom who thinks her kid can do no wrong and that kid is the biggest a**hole out there. Interesting how that works.

This is irrelevant. Calling your own kid’s behavior out is your job, it’s done out of your commitment and responsibility to raising them, and it’s done in their best interests. It’s done with a belief they are capable of being better. That’s completely different than the attitude of calling a kid a name just to be mean spirited, and with no acknowledgment for that kid’s humanity.

What on earth. It wasn't to be "mean spirited" or deny the kid's "humanity." It was just the unvarnished truth.

I get some people don't like vulgarity but we don't have to be dramatic here. No one's humanity was denied here. A mom vented privately about a kid who has been teasing/harassing her daughter. News at 11.

[Anonymous]

Team OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's okay to criticize the behavior of a kid who is not yours.

No, it's not okay to refer t a kid as an a-hole to other people.

Agree with this. It's gross to call a 4th grader a curse word. You crossed a line there.

It's not being said to the child's face. It's an accurate description of the child. Is it somehow better to call the kid a bully? A mean girl? A jerk? What about a b word? A c word? Can you call a boy a d word? I just want to make sure I have a copy of your rules so I can follow along.

Dude.