Do you think it's okay to criticize the behavior of a kid who is not yours?

[Anonymous]

I was talking to a friend this morning and she asked how things are going with my oldest at school. I said things were mostly fine, but she's been having issues with another girl in her grade (4th grade). My friend asked what kind of issues and I sort of hemmed and hawed because what is happening is not exactly bullying and I didn't want to frame it that way. But this girl is just... not nice. She's very condescending, she teases people a lot. She is an excellent student and a great athlete, but she's mean about it. She's not stuffing kids into lockers but she's also not making much effort to be kind or open-minded and she really relishes winning, which she does a lot. And my kid's 4th grade year sometimes feels like it's just all about this girl. My kid is doing well in school, has friends and hobbies, teachers seem to like her, etc. No real problems. Except this girl who always seems to be taking little jabs or doing this weird passive aggressive thing where she asks my kid a bunch of questions so she can interrogate her answers (reminiscent of the "so you think you're pretty?" scene in Mean Girls). Or this kid will win at something and then talk about it for the next three days and my kid will come home sad even if it wasn't even something she cared about originally. It's exhausting.

Anyway, I said "Yeah, I'm looking forward to middle because it will be nice to get away from this little ***hole," and my friend was really shocked I said that and lectured me for like five minutes about how that's not an okay thing to say about a child, and how this kid's behavior might be driven by insecurities (I do not think it is, I've known this kid for years, she's not insecure -- she's overconfident and thinks she's the best and it's gone to her head) and I need to be empathetic and not critical.

I think it's an okay thing to say about this particular child, who is in fact something of an ***hole.

But I'm curious what other people think, so opening it up for discussion.

[Anonymous]

Your friend is insufferable. I've called my own kid an a**ole (not to his face) because sometimes kids are just that.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your friend doesn't have kids or at least not kids in school

[Anonymous]

Yeah this is 100% fine. Some kids are a**holes.

[Anonymous]

You're fine. Now you know not to share such things with this particular friend, although a friend who lectured me for 5 minutes about something I said, which didn't even involve her, would not be a friend of mine for long.

[Anonymous]

I think your friend was right to check you.

[Anonymous]

I would guess that your friend is friendly with that mom?
There is a kid who is a bit obnoxious and his mom is standoff ish and I hear parents complaining about that kid constantly. But another kid who is even worse gets off with "spirited" because his mom is popular. People will say "Dave and Mary are the most amazing people. It's a shame their kids are so rude." As if the parents had nothing to do with it.

[Anonymous]

I think both things are true. I think you’re way too focused on this other kid. And I also have a quieter kid and know kids like this. Worry about your own child. She’s likely picking up on you here - most kids really aren’t that concerned about other kids. It’s a nice thing about kids. You sound insecure and fixated on this other child. And I do think kids can be challenging but most are not inherently bad. As for calling the kid a name, I might call my own child an a-hole but no, I’m not calling someone else’s child an a-hole. That’s off. Bottom line, focus on your kid and teach her to do the same. This kind of focus ends up causing bitterness and chronic feelings of it’s so unfaaaaair which is just not helpful. And a little pathetic.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s ok to call kids names. I think that’s crossing the line. Fine to be glad there will be a different dynamic in the future though.

[Anonymous]

It’s alarming how many people here will side with bullying a kid. However, it proves that insecurities like this child’s are hard to overcome! Be better, everyone!

[Anonymous]

I am shocked that other posters are fine with insulting a child they don't know.

No, what you did was not acceptable. My kids have dealt with real bullies, and I might have thought of that word in my head, but I also know that they're developing children who can improve and who have issues to deal with. I filed bullying reports to the school, and they dealt with the behaviors. For slightly mean girls? No way would I have even thought of using such a word. It's completely disproportional to this girl's behavior, and your friend is entirely correct in her assessment. None of my friends have ever characterized other children that way, and yet all children deal with troublesome behavior at school at some point.

Shame on you and all the posters who think like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that your friend is friendly with that mom?
There is a kid who is a bit obnoxious and his mom is standoff ish and I hear parents complaining about that kid constantly. But another kid who is even worse gets off with "spirited" because his mom is popular. People will say "Dave and Mary are the most amazing people. It's a shame their kids are so rude." As if the parents had nothing to do with it.

OP here and no, my friend doesn't have kids at this school and has never met these people. She just objects to me calling this kid an ***hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s alarming how many people here will side with bullying a kid. However, it proves that insecurities like this child’s are hard to overcome! Be better, everyone!

Be better than calling elementary school children curse words, moron.

[Anonymous]

10:31 again. My son and daughter are now 20 and 15, BTW. They're in college and high school, and have already lived through the worst of the mean kids and bullies. What you describe is quite moderate on the nasty scale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am shocked that other posters are fine with insulting a child they don't know.

No, what you did was not acceptable. My kids have dealt with real bullies, and I might have thought of that word in my head, but I also know that they're developing children who can improve and who have issues to deal with. I filed bullying reports to the school, and they dealt with the behaviors. For slightly mean girls? No way would I have even thought of using such a word. It's completely disproportional to this girl's behavior, and your friend is entirely correct in her assessment. None of my friends have ever characterized other children that way, and yet all children deal with troublesome behavior at school at some point.

Shame on you and all the posters who think like you.

Then what's the solution or a kid who behaves that way? The behavior is "slightly mean" and not bullying, so there will never be any disciplinary action. The parents don't appear to check it at all.

At what point does a person become responsible for their behavior and personality? If I worked with someone who acted that way, I would consider them an ***hole. It's ***hole behavior.