Is it normal to want your kids to go to better colleges than you did?

[Anonymous]

Don’t displace your trauma onto your child.

Yes, it is normal to hope your child has a better life than you.

No, if your kid doesn’t get into Georgetown or higher, it does not mean you “screwed up”.

Put your feelings aside & be the adult for the kid, and help them figure out which college is the best fit for them. This is definitely a case where it’s not about you.

[Anonymous]

Stanford. Not happening unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t displace your trauma onto your child.

Yes, it is normal to hope your child has a better life than you.

No, if your kid doesn’t get into Georgetown or higher, it does not mean you “screwed up”.

Put your feelings aside & be the adult for the kid, and help them figure out which college is the best fit for them. This is definitely a case where it’s not about you.

+1 the world has changed and the metrics for everything has changed. There are lots of places that may have not been on our radar screens when we were choosing colleges 30 years ago, where our kids can have a happy, fulfilling college experience. Go with the kid you have, not with your 1990’s kid version or with the kid you think you should have been.

[Anonymous]

My son is actually at the same university I went to and I’m very proud. Not sure but it probably has a high acceptance rate. That doesn’t matter to me. I got a great education there and he is too. I’m just happy he got enough in FA and merit money to be able to afford it. That’s my measure of success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my personal story is actually not quite this, but I wonder how people feel and act.

(My personal piece is that as a first time college applicant in my family, I wanted Georgetown, got in, my parents couldn’t afford it, and I went to American for a low price and am annoyed to have gone to a school with an inferiority complex, which I clearly also have.)

I have this sense that if my high schooler regardless of plans doesn’t go to a school more prestigious than mine, I probably screwed up. Didn’t help enough or make things happen that could have developed the kid’s potential. And kid probably doesn’t want to think of themself as an underachiever.

It's normal to want better for your kids. I'd be more concerned if you did not. That being said, "prestigious" doesn't necessarily mean "better".

[Anonymous]

Not when tuition can be 100k, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In state = 13th Grade to most kids.

Right...because famously the kids at UVA and William and Mary are so so unhappy to be staying in state...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my personal story is actually not quite this, but I wonder how people feel and act.

(My personal piece is that as a first time college applicant in my family, I wanted Georgetown, got in, my parents couldn’t afford it, and I went to American for a low price and am annoyed to have gone to a school with an inferiority complex, which I clearly also have.)

I have this sense that if my high schooler regardless of plans doesn’t go to a school more prestigious than mine, I probably screwed up. Didn’t help enough or make things happen that could have developed the kid’s potential. And kid probably doesn’t want to think of themself as an underachiever.

Yes, unless you're a complete narcissist, a parent would generally hope a child had everything better (grades, athletic ability, popularity, happiness, money, health etc). I can't be unique in this line if thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my personal story is actually not quite this, but I wonder how people feel and act.

(My personal piece is that as a first time college applicant in my family, I wanted Georgetown, got in, my parents couldn’t afford it, and I went to American for a low price and am annoyed to have gone to a school with an inferiority complex, which I clearly also have.)

I have this sense that if my high schooler regardless of plans doesn’t go to a school more prestigious than mine, I probably screwed up. Didn’t help enough or make things happen that could have developed the kid’s potential. And kid probably doesn’t want to think of themself as an underachiever.

Yes, similar story. Maybe if my parents would have paid for the elite school for me, I would have been more successful and able to pay the elite price for kids. Interestingly, spouse doesn't feel the same and has no guilt or sense of personal failure, just blames the schools for being too expensive and says you can get a decent enough education in-state. Is in denial that the schools are viewed differently and if they are, "that's ridiculous,."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having gone to Harvard and then another Ivy for med school, I couldn’t possibly have expectations for my kids to do same/better in terms of “prestige”. It would be cruel and unusual mental pressure. Between my spouse and I, we have degrees from or turned down HYPSM, Columbia, UPenn, Brown, Hopkins, Northwestern, NYU, UCLA and Berkeley. I feel bad for my kids having that kind of expectation to live up to.

Such an expectation would only come from within your own family, ie - you. So, if they have it, that's on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is actually at the same university I went to and I’m very proud. Not sure but it probably has a high acceptance rate. That doesn’t matter to me. I got a great education there and he is too. I’m just happy he got enough in FA and merit money to be able to afford it. That’s my measure of success.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my personal story is actually not quite this, but I wonder how people feel and act.

(My personal piece is that as a first time college applicant in my family, I wanted Georgetown, got in, my parents couldn’t afford it, and I went to American for a low price and am annoyed to have gone to a school with an inferiority complex, which I clearly also have.)

I have this sense that if my high schooler regardless of plans doesn’t go to a school more prestigious than mine, I probably screwed up. Didn’t help enough or make things happen that could have developed the kid’s potential. And kid probably doesn’t want to think of themself as an underachiever.

Yes, unless you're a complete narcissist, a parent would generally hope a child had everything better (grades, athletic ability, popularity, happiness, money, health etc). I can't be unique in this line if thinking.

Unless a parent had a bad or miserable life, why must they want "better" for their kids? I have not had any extraordinary life, but I'll be thrilled for my kids to have comparable. What defines "better?" "Different," perhaps; but "better?" not necessarily.

Same for college. We're just very happy kid #1 is even IN college, having started at community college and now attending a VA state public. I am thrilled for our #2 who will be attending another VA state public that is a perfect fit for her. I would not consider it "better" than my alma mater and its "prestige" is definitely not better than my spouse's alma mater.

I find OP's question to be a ridiculous one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my personal story is actually not quite this, but I wonder how people feel and act.

(My personal piece is that as a first time college applicant in my family, I wanted Georgetown, got in, my parents couldn’t afford it, and I went to American for a low price and am annoyed to have gone to a school with an inferiority complex, which I clearly also have.)

I have this sense that if my high schooler regardless of plans doesn’t go to a school more prestigious than mine, I probably screwed up. Didn’t help enough or make things happen that could have developed the kid’s potential. And kid probably doesn’t want to think of themself as an underachiever.

Yes, similar story. Maybe if my parents would have paid for the elite school for me, I would have been more successful and able to pay the elite price for kids. Interestingly, spouse doesn't feel the same and has no guilt or sense of personal failure, just blames the schools for being too expensive and says you can get a decent enough education in-state. Is in denial that the schools are viewed differently and if they are, "that's ridiculous,."

I'm with your spouse. Your bitterness is not a persuasive rationale for wanting your kids to attend a better school than you did. If you really blame your lower level of financial success on your parents for not being able to pay for an elite school for you, you have many more important issues to investigate than perceived prestige of various universities.

Lots of us contributed to the costs of our own college education. Lots of people are highly financially successful without degrees from "the elite school." But we and they probably don't have the same sense of entitlement you apparently do, expecting your parents to provide fully for your college education and success.

[Anonymous]

I am incredibly proud that my unhooked - no hook at all- got in RD to so many T10s/20s. It’s all him. We didn’t mold or push or plan his activities. He just played the sport, joined the clubs, took the courses he was interested in. He was 100% authentic.

He is smarter than me. Period. I was top of my large HS class, varsity captain, lots of ecs, but mid SAT scores. Too bad there was no TO back then!! I also wasn’t as naturally curious in the way he is—he was constantly seeking more info on things, reading tons of books in all areas that interested him.

So, yeah, given how much harder it is nowadays, I am blown away he’s at an Ivy.

But, truthfully, happiness has always been my goal for both my kids. I let them drive the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my personal story is actually not quite this, but I wonder how people feel and act.

(My personal piece is that as a first time college applicant in my family, I wanted Georgetown, got in, my parents couldn’t afford it, and I went to American for a low price and am annoyed to have gone to a school with an inferiority complex, which I clearly also have.)

I have this sense that if my high schooler regardless of plans doesn’t go to a school more prestigious than mine, I probably screwed up. Didn’t help enough or make things happen that could have developed the kid’s potential. And kid probably doesn’t want to think of themself as an underachiever.

Yes, unless you're a complete narcissist, a parent would generally hope a child had everything better (grades, athletic ability, popularity, happiness, money, health etc). I can't be unique in this line if thinking.

Unless a parent had a bad or miserable life, why must they want "better" for their kids? I have not had any extraordinary life, but I'll be thrilled for my kids to have comparable. What defines "better?" "Different," perhaps; but "better?" not necessarily.

Same for college. We're just very happy kid #1 is even IN college, having started at community college and now attending a VA state public. I am thrilled for our #2 who will be attending another VA state public that is a perfect fit for her. I would not consider it "better" than my alma mater and its "prestige" is definitely not better than my spouse's alma mater.

I find OP's question to be a ridiculous one.

+1 I have a good life with my regional public U degree. Why does my kid's life need to be "better?"

I did have to compromise on college choice because my first choice, W&M was too expensive OOS. But where I went ended up being a great fit for me and was a good place to start out my path. Now I live in VA and, yes, I'd have loved for one of my kids to go to W&M. But it was too small for one (he went to VT) and too big for the other (she went to a LAC). They will figure out they own lives from there. I think having expectations that your kids have to do "better" than you in some way is a ridiculous thing to put on a young adult. They need to be free to figure out the life that works for them.