Is it normal to want your kids to go to better colleges than you did?

[Anonymous]

So my personal story is actually not quite this, but I wonder how people feel and act.

(My personal piece is that as a first time college applicant in my family, I wanted Georgetown, got in, my parents couldn’t afford it, and I went to American for a low price and am annoyed to have gone to a school with an inferiority complex, which I clearly also have.)

I have this sense that if my high schooler regardless of plans doesn’t go to a school more prestigious than mine, I probably screwed up. Didn’t help enough or make things happen that could have developed the kid’s potential. And kid probably doesn’t want to think of themself as an underachiever.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re projecting & it’s a little toxic, especially given that schools are far more competitive to get into than when you were in high school.

I do want my kid to go t a better fit school than I did as my choices were also constrained by finances (and, for complicated reasons, general location which I hated & wanted to leave)

[Anonymous]

I went to Yale so...

[Anonymous]

Eh. DH and I both went to highly ranked universities from middling public high schools and I have accepted that my kids won’t get into either school. It’s just so much harder to get in to these schools today and that doesn’t reflect on my kids or our parenting.

[Anonymous]

If that was for International Affairs, don't worry, those majors at those schools are all ranked top 10. My kid got into GW for international affairs. Also ranked top 10. No one is sweating it, or feeling any sense of inferiority, despite the fact he was reject from supposedly more prestigious schools, because we're so happy that he's happy. Merit aid also helps.

Please don't compare generations, OP. College admissions have gotten SIGNIFICANTLY MORE SELECTIVE. My Ivy-attending friends do not expect - after some research and agonizing! - that their kids will get into the same schools they did. The one whose child did get in was accepted at the same Ivy, so probably a little alumni status played into it. The kid is of course highly qualified as well.

The best you can do is give your child every educational opportunity, and try to develop their work ethic, so that you have no regrets about your own parenting. The rest is up to the student, and also a strange game that US colleges like to torture families with. Nowhere else in the world is there such a weird emphasis on non-academic skills, in terms of looking at athletics and other extra-curriculars. It makes the application and waiting period a lot more stressful than in other countries.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I believe the whole industry of private college counseling is built on this feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re projecting & it’s a little toxic, especially given that schools are far more competitive to get into than when you were in high school.

I do want my kid to go t a better fit school than I did as my choices were also constrained by finances (and, for complicated reasons, general location which I hated & wanted to leave)

This, especially the part about fit.

I actually went to Georgetown, and so did my spouse. My kid got into Georgetown, even though it's much harder to get into now than it was 30 years ago. We went to visit and I was reminded of all the ways in which GU was not a good fit for me. My loves the SFS curriculum, but I think also feels the same way the culture. She's still on the fence about where she's going, but I don't think it will be GU (and not because she's found a higher ranked school, because she's looking at schools that are better fits.)

[Anonymous]

OP, we were only allowed to go in-state. Well, my dad explained he would pay for in-state for all 3 of us or we could take the difference in $ and apply it to private, but we'd have to take loans for the difference. He then explained loans and why they were bad way to start out, etc. I applied in-state and was WL at flagship even though I was very top of my HS class--and whole package--it was a weird year and a lot of very qualified, including some politicians kids, SC justice kids were also WL. I was bitter for a bit--not at my dad--more at the university. I was in STEM so it ultimately didn't make a big difference.

My firstborn is at an Ivy. We let him apply anywhere and had the funds for it. He is not in STEM and in a field where the school does matter. I have already seen so many benefits that are unique to the school and he is the type of kid that takes advantage of it all --not a partier or drinker (like I was).

I get what you are saying. But, it's more about us then our kids. I never put pressure on my kid about where to go to college, etc. and he had zero clue or even thought of schools until end of Junior year of HS. Frankly, we essentially told him it was a lottery for the top schools and he had a healthy attitude about the whole thing and had no clear front choice, didn't apply ED or SCEA anywhere--but then was pleasantly surprised with outcomes.

It will work out how it is meant to be. I ended up loving my school and couldn't imagine going elsewhere in hindsight. The place my kid ended up fits him so well.

[Anonymous]

No, I did grow up in such a prestige focused part of the country. I'm encouraging the kids to think about value over ranking.

Spouse & I went to big state universities and are happy and doing well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re projecting & it’s a little toxic, especially given that schools are far more competitive to get into than when you were in high school.

I do want my kid to go t a better fit school than I did as my choices were also constrained by finances (and, for complicated reasons, general location which I hated & wanted to leave)

This, especially the part about fit.

I actually went to Georgetown, and so did my spouse. My kid got into Georgetown, even though it's much harder to get into now than it was 30 years ago. We went to visit and I was reminded of all the ways in which GU was not a good fit for me. My loves the SFS curriculum, but I think also feels the same way the culture. She's still on the fence about where she's going, but I don't think it will be GU (and not because she's found a higher ranked school, because she's looking at schools that are better fits.)

My kid almost went there, but admitted student day kid looked outright depressed. It's a great fit for many. It was not for my kid at all and pivoted from it. It was a surprise because it was a frontrunner for awhile.

[Anonymous]

We went to highly ranked schools. Would love the kids to go to similarly ranked but not a chance they will get in these days sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re projecting & it’s a little toxic, especially given that schools are far more competitive to get into than when you were in high school.

I do want my kid to go t a better fit school than I did as my choices were also constrained by finances (and, for complicated reasons, general location which I hated & wanted to leave)

This, especially the part about fit.

I actually went to Georgetown, and so did my spouse. My kid got into Georgetown, even though it's much harder to get into now than it was 30 years ago. We went to visit and I was reminded of all the ways in which GU was not a good fit for me. My loves the SFS curriculum, but I think also feels the same way the culture. She's still on the fence about where she's going, but I don't think it will be GU (and not because she's found a higher ranked school, because she's looking at schools that are better fits.)

My kid almost went there, but admitted student day kid looked outright depressed. It's a great fit for many. It was not for my kid at all and pivoted from it. It was a surprise because it was a frontrunner for awhile.

I'm the GU grad you're quoting. We were at the April 5 GAAP weekend event and I agree that admitted students day was a big letdown. I was struck by the fact that no one seemed to engage with us -- no chit-chat, minimal greeters. It was a big contrast to William & Mary's Monroe event, which was the second part of that weekend -- everyone there was super friendly.

[Anonymous]

It is a normal enough thing to want your kids to have better and do better than you did.

But the college process isn't the same as it was, and your kids are the same as you were, so while this is a normal thought, you need to pivot to helping your kid find the best place for them and not focus on how they compare to you or to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my personal story is actually not quite this, but I wonder how people feel and act.

(My personal piece is that as a first time college applicant in my family, I wanted Georgetown, got in, my parents couldn’t afford it, and I went to American for a low price and am annoyed to have gone to a school with an inferiority complex, which I clearly also have.)

I have this sense that if my high schooler regardless of plans doesn’t go to a school more prestigious than mine, I probably screwed up. Didn’t help enough or make things happen that could have developed the kid’s potential. And kid probably doesn’t want to think of themself as an underachiever.

You need to interrogate your thoughts on this. I work on this too I'm an anxious person and I tend to conflate, and I think many of us do, that if you go to one of the tippy top schools your future is assured. And then I think about all the successful people I know that went to no-name schools. And the people I know who went to schools we are all clamoring for and what their careers look like. In this hyper-competitive admissions climate it is unrealistic and downright toxic to think this way.

[Anonymous]

Yes, most parents want their children to do better than they did. Went to a highly ranked college but both my kids wound up going to higher ranked schools.

Didn’t set out with that specific goal in mind, just worked out that way.

Both kids were accepted to the university I attended but it wasn’t the best fit for them. Went to schools that were a great fit for them just as my school was for me.