Is it normal to want your kids to go to better colleges than you did?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my personal story is actually not quite this, but I wonder how people feel and act.

(My personal piece is that as a first time college applicant in my family, I wanted Georgetown, got in, my parents couldn’t afford it, and I went to American for a low price and am annoyed to have gone to a school with an inferiority complex, which I clearly also have.)

I have this sense that if my high schooler regardless of plans doesn’t go to a school more prestigious than mine, I probably screwed up. Didn’t help enough or make things happen that could have developed the kid’s potential. And kid probably doesn’t want to think of themself as an underachiever.

Whether you believe it true or not, I think it is so much more helpful to tell your teens for years leading up to college applications and college that "it doesn't matter where you go, it matters what you make of it." I found this kept my kids motivated to get good grades and continue to believe they controlled their future. Worked out great for our family.

[Anonymous]

I didn't want a better school per se, but I wanted them to have a different experience. I went to a large state school and while it's very well regarded, it wasn't a great fit for me academically. I wanted my kids to be able to make a different choice - SLAC, private T20.

[Anonymous]

I have a few friends (we're in our mid 40s) who are still upset about where they went to college based on parents/money/something like that. ALL are successful adults, some of whom went on to prestigious grad schools. The one thing that it seems they all have in common is that to me, it seems like this isn't about college at all. It's about deep seated insecurities and resentment. It's really sad.

Try to let this go and don't put this on your kid. Focus on where they want to go and where they can go and where you can send them separate from you. And try not to let them in on your personal struggles with this.

[Anonymous]

I’d prefer DC not to go to a grind school, I have no prestige expectations and I discourage the idea of a “dream school” due to current unpredictable admissions climate. Conversations are around schools (plural) that they would be happy and challenged at, who offer the best path for their future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh. DH and I both went to highly ranked universities from middling public high schools and I have accepted that my kids won’t get into either school. It’s just so much harder to get in to these schools today and that doesn’t reflect on my kids or our parenting.

+1

Not to mention the cost.

[Anonymous]

I think it's normal to want the best for your kids. Along the way, you may have to accept their limitations, too, and help them look for the best fit.

[Anonymous]

Not in the cards for us due to cost and difficulty getting in. Going the state flagship route and everyone is happy about it.

[Anonymous]

Husband and I went to commuter school in OH that we paid for by working crappy jobs-- no loans+ no parental support. We had just one kid to afford the best schools $ could buy. So, yes,OP. Kid went to Harvard Undergrad + Stanford MBA.

[Anonymous]

I went to a mediocre Catholic high school in the Midwest. Did very well there but ended up making decisions like not continuing in a language since the teacher didn’t actually teach. Finished math at pre calculus since that’s what was available despite it being a super easy subject for me. Ended up at my safety school. Kids are at a better school and despite the change in admissions, I would like them to end up somewhere better. Have a bit of an inferiority complex on it but am thrilled my kids have more opportunities.

[Anonymous]

I went to a middling high school with no APs 25 years ago - But I somehow got a really stellar SAT score and that was all you needed in those days to get into top schools....I remember the few days when I actually got in and thought I was going to a dream school up north, but then parents didn't have the money to send me so I went to a middling private close to home where I got a full ride. I went to an ivy for grad school and was jealous of colleagues not so much for the prestige of the undergrads they went to, but the amazing experiences, close relationships with teachers, interesting classes, close alumni networks, how much better they were at writing than I was, and just that quintessential college experience. We ended up in the same place, but they had an experience I still envy. There are lots of places you can get that outside the tippy top schools, but that's the thing I want to give to my kids - and for them to get out with 0 debt so they have maximal choices when they get out. That's what we've been saving for since they were little. I know it's a luxury good and you can get the same "outcomes" from many schools, but the experience is the luxury good I want to be able to provide - if it's what they want.

[Anonymous]

I went to a state directional in Florida (for free!) and I want my kids to go to a school that they like and is a good fit for their goals...but whether or not they go to a school that is "better" than UCF is honestly not something that I've thought about. It really just does not matter.

[Anonymous]

One of us went to a highly ranked school and the other didn't. We met at work in the exact same position. This has taken a ton of pressure off of our kids.

[Anonymous]

I want my kids to have easier life, more money, and same or better mental and physical health than their parents.
College did nothing for me and will do nothing for my kids. I just hope they like it enough to get a degree and get out.

[Anonymous]

I can’t relate at all. I have one parent who was very impressed with prestige and probably pressured me too much. I went for the name and ranking. I made a huge mistake with my choice of college and major.

I don’t care about any of that for my kid. I want them to focus on the best fit for them and what will give them the best value. Rankings is the furthest thing from my mind.

For one, we are encouraging vocational options. No loans and a solid future with high earning potential combined with opening a business.

Our other child will likely want to go the humanities route and the highest ranking college possible. That child takes after the grandparent.

[Anonymous]

I went to Princeton. I will be encouraging my kids to go to less prestigious schools. They both would not do well in the competitive environment.