Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah, yes. Another, we dont want to help the people who raised us as they age towards death thread.

Do you have an obligation to care for loving parents? Yes. (No need to hear from those of you -like me- who had a physically and mentally abusive parent. I get it. I'm not talking to you).

Do you have an obligation to sacrifice everything? No.

It's not either/or. They have some choices to make too. But here, especially, they helped you with your kids. So, yeah, they owe you something.

we are not giving up our careers or retirement desires to live in an area we would hate and would not have employment opportunities. We offered to move parents closer to us, they declined. they are in a CCRC so well cared for. They know this means it might be a few days before we can get to them if they are ill/hsopitalized (2 flights if we are at home, more if we are on a vacation). This way they are well cared for, and we don't feel guilty if we cannot get to them immediately. They also know this means we only see them a few times per year. If they want more involvement, they need to move closer to us.
Note: we have never lived in same area as them, but did live 3 hours from them for 15 years when grandkids were growing up. But otherwise we have been a huge distance from them.

Thus, why I said you don't have an obligation to sacrifice everything. But, your defensiveness tells me that you know you could do more and are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't help your parents, don't be surprised if your kids don't help you.

Nope. If you don't help your *kids*, don't be surprised if your kids don't help you. Your parents, your kids' grandparents, are entirely different people.

If your kids don't see you model that behavior in your own life, they won't have it for you later. You at least need to display authentic care and concern for your aging parents. Most of DCUM has nothing but distain for their parents though from what you see on this board.

So any kids with no living grandparents will automatically never have compassion for their aging parents? Maybe try making an actual plausible argument if you're going to try and shame people for not being doormats

Kids will see you ignore your parents and may do same to you b/c you taught them it's ok...

The generational ellipses again, surprise, surprise.

Won't be a surprise when your kid(s) treat you exactly the way you did your parents. Good luck!

Actually no. The fastest way to ensure your adult kids will stay far away is to have them take a constant backseat to demanding grandma and watch their parents being miserable. I would never in a million years want my adult kids to sacrifice their careers, families and happiness to bail me out of my own failings. I really do not understand these selfish crap boomers who are so entitled!

Actually no, what? This is not what has happened in my extended family (and a large one in which the last of the 90+ yo "greats" in a family of 9 kids). We help each other out. The kids cared for parents, some in the home, some not. We viewed each other as family and that we are expected to help with family. Are they perfect? Absolutely not. But, if you cannot count on family to help you when you need it (and no more is that evident in childhood AND in elderly years), then what are we here for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't help your parents, don't be surprised if your kids don't help you.

Nope. If you don't help your *kids*, don't be surprised if your kids don't help you. Your parents, your kids' grandparents, are entirely different people.

If your kids don't see you model that behavior in your own life, they won't have it for you later. You at least need to display authentic care and concern for your aging parents. Most of DCUM has nothing but distain for their parents though from what you see on this board.

So any kids with no living grandparents will automatically never have compassion for their aging parents? Maybe try making an actual plausible argument if you're going to try and shame people for not being doormats

Kids will see you ignore your parents and may do same to you b/c you taught them it's ok...

The generational ellipses again, surprise, surprise.

Won't be a surprise when your kid(s) treat you exactly the way you did your parents. Good luck!

Actually no. The fastest way to ensure your adult kids will stay far away is to have them take a constant backseat to demanding grandma and watch their parents being miserable. I would never in a million years want my adult kids to sacrifice their careers, families and happiness to bail me out of my own failings. I really do not understand these selfish crap boomers who are so entitled!

Actually no, what? This is not what has happened in my extended family (and a large one in which the last of the 90+ yo "greats" in a family of 9 kids). We help each other out. The kids cared for parents, some in the home, some not. We viewed each other as family and that we are expected to help with family. Are they perfect? Absolutely not. But, if you cannot count on family to help you when you need it (and no more is that evident in childhood AND in elderly years), then what are we here for?

My MIL was tasked with caring for her FIL, and she vowed she would never do that her own children. She saw the toll it took on her, her marriage, her time, her relationship with her children. I'm very glad she doesn't just blindly expect her kids to do the same, and planned and prepared better so as to ease the burden. Not all parents are so kind to their kids I see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah, yes. Another, we dont want to help the people who raised us as they age towards death thread.

Do you have an obligation to care for loving parents? Yes. (No need to hear from those of you -like me- who had a physically and mentally abusive parent. I get it. I'm not talking to you).

Do you have an obligation to sacrifice everything? No.

It's not either/or. They have some choices to make too. But here, especially, they helped you with your kids. So, yeah, they owe you something.

we are not giving up our careers or retirement desires to live in an area we would hate and would not have employment opportunities. We offered to move parents closer to us, they declined. they are in a CCRC so well cared for. They know this means it might be a few days before we can get to them if they are ill/hsopitalized (2 flights if we are at home, more if we are on a vacation). This way they are well cared for, and we don't feel guilty if we cannot get to them immediately. They also know this means we only see them a few times per year. If they want more involvement, they need to move closer to us.
Note: we have never lived in same area as them, but did live 3 hours from them for 15 years when grandkids were growing up. But otherwise we have been a huge distance from them.

Thus, why I said you don't have an obligation to sacrifice everything. But, your defensiveness tells me that you know you could do more and are not.

Actually not defensive at all. I paid the $500K entry fee for them to join the CCRC, so I've done plenty for them.
But if they won't move to be near us, then it's the best we can do to ensure they are well cared for. I cannot uproot my family for that, and quite frankly my parents do NOT expect that. They are thrilled we helped them gain entry to the CCRC

[Anonymous]

Each family is different.

My parents moved to DC area after they retired to be with us. It was a huge uproot for them. 8 years ago my brother moved oversea for work. Now my parents are into their late 80s, it is getting too much for me to take care of them alone. My brother just moved back to share care duties. I did not ask him, nor did my parents. I would like to move to Europe after retirement but I will wait. Nobody thinks they made a sacrifice in my family. It is just how things are done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just bought our retirement home out of state. We currently live about 5 miles from my mom. She just turned 80 and is still independent, but I am seeing signs that it may not be for long. I have told her that if she wants me to be involved in her daily care, she will need to move nearby to our retirement home. I am not staying around here to care for her. She has the money to do this and long-term care insurance. So, she will be fine either way.

This---you give them the choice to move near you. Otherwise, you put them in a facility. But you are not obligated to uproot your family and move near your parents because they don't want to move nearby you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah, yes. Another, we dont want to help the people who raised us as they age towards death thread.

Do you have an obligation to care for loving parents? Yes. (No need to hear from those of you -like me- who had a physically and mentally abusive parent. I get it. I'm not talking to you).

Do you have an obligation to sacrifice everything? No.

It's not either/or. They have some choices to make too. But here, especially, they helped you with your kids. So, yeah, they owe you something.

we are not giving up our careers or retirement desires to live in an area we would hate and would not have employment opportunities. We offered to move parents closer to us, they declined. they are in a CCRC so well cared for. They know this means it might be a few days before we can get to them if they are ill/hsopitalized (2 flights if we are at home, more if we are on a vacation). This way they are well cared for, and we don't feel guilty if we cannot get to them immediately. They also know this means we only see them a few times per year. If they want more involvement, they need to move closer to us.
Note: we have never lived in same area as them, but did live 3 hours from them for 15 years when grandkids were growing up. But otherwise we have been a huge distance from them.

Thus, why I said you don't have an obligation to sacrifice everything. But, your defensiveness tells me that you know you could do more and are not.

Actually not defensive at all. I paid the $500K entry fee for them to join the CCRC, so I've done plenty for them.
But if they won't move to be near us, then it's the best we can do to ensure they are well cared for. I cannot uproot my family for that, and quite frankly my parents do NOT expect that. They are thrilled we helped them gain entry to the CCRC

Then you are not who I'm talking to. Everyone is happy and cared for in your scenario. So what is it you're adding here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just bought our retirement home out of state. We currently live about 5 miles from my mom. She just turned 80 and is still independent, but I am seeing signs that it may not be for long. I have told her that if she wants me to be involved in her daily care, she will need to move nearby to our retirement home. I am not staying around here to care for her. She has the money to do this and long-term care insurance. So, she will be fine either way.

This---you give them the choice to move near you. Otherwise, you put them in a facility. But you are not obligated to uproot your family and move near your parents because they don't want to move nearby you

I swear some of you are incapable of reading. Literally, NO ONE is saying you have to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't help your parents, don't be surprised if your kids don't help you.[/quote

My inlaws never helped their parents and yet expect us to do way more than they did.

How is that fair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah, yes. Another, we dont want to help the people who raised us as they age towards death thread.

Do you have an obligation to care for loving parents? Yes. (No need to hear from those of you -like me- who had a physically and mentally abusive parent. I get it. I'm not talking to you).

Do you have an obligation to sacrifice everything? No.

It's not either/or. They have some choices to make too. But here, especially, they helped you with your kids. So, yeah, they owe you something.

we are not giving up our careers or retirement desires to live in an area we would hate and would not have employment opportunities. We offered to move parents closer to us, they declined. they are in a CCRC so well cared for. They know this means it might be a few days before we can get to them if they are ill/hsopitalized (2 flights if we are at home, more if we are on a vacation). This way they are well cared for, and we don't feel guilty if we cannot get to them immediately. They also know this means we only see them a few times per year. If they want more involvement, they need to move closer to us.
Note: we have never lived in same area as them, but did live 3 hours from them for 15 years when grandkids were growing up. But otherwise we have been a huge distance from them.

Thus, why I said you don't have an obligation to sacrifice everything. But, your defensiveness tells me that you know you could do more and are not.

Actually not defensive at all. I paid the $500K entry fee for them to join the CCRC, so I've done plenty for them.
But if they won't move to be near us, then it's the best we can do to ensure they are well cared for. I cannot uproot my family for that, and quite frankly my parents do NOT expect that. They are thrilled we helped them gain entry to the CCRC

Then you are not who I'm talking to. Everyone is happy and cared for in your scenario. So what is it you're adding here?

I was responding to your post that contained a high level of attitude towards my post for no reason at all. It's a public forum, feel free to post comments, but do not get upset when people respond to your harsh and rude comments.

[Anonymous]

The way I see it, my job is to be a good parent. That includes not asking my kids to parent me or be responsible for me at any point, and certainly not sacrifice their lives for me. It flows the other way. So it's one thing to need help as you get older, have children who want to help you, but it's not okay to feel entitled to it and require them to change their lives for you. My parents are far away and would never expect this. I am already planning on going more as they get older though, just because they are great and I want to. But the expectations sandwich put on some millennial kids is really not okay.