Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ah, yes. Another, we dont want to help the people who raised us as they age towards death thread.

Do you have an obligation to care for loving parents? Yes. (No need to hear from those of you -like me- who had a physically and mentally abusive parent. I get it. I'm not talking to you).

Do you have an obligation to sacrifice everything? No.

It's not either/or. They have some choices to make too. But here, especially, they helped you with your kids. So, yeah, they owe you something.

Where did the OP say the bolded? For that matter, where did they say the "don't want to help" their parents? I don't think this is the thread you think it is.

[Anonymous]

They made it clear to us that being nearby is important as they age, that it is our responsibility to look after them, and that we should not move away until they are gone.

They don't get to decide this. They can share their wishes and ask that you consider them, but you are not at all obligated to care for them until they die, or be stuck living wherever they live.

Now, if you're Asian, this may sound completely crazy. But, I'm white, and don't feel any obligation. My parents took mediocre care of me as a child, and they were the ones who chose to have me. I did not choose them, and I chose not to be saddled with their care. Just different ways of thinking. You pick whichever avenue works best for your conscience.

[Anonymous]

If you don't help your parents, don't be surprised if your kids don't help you.

[Anonymous]

I think you are actually in a good position. It sounds like your parents are still healthy and independent, and that they made their wishes clearly known to you. And you were comfortable telling them the options that you are willing to explore. No, of course they don't get to dictate exactly what you will do for them (and where) for the rest of their lives. It should be a conversation. But since you have all been so direct with each other, I think you will be able to solve it.

[Anonymous]

I would never sacrifice my time/money for my parents like that. This is what hired help is for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our parents are still independent, but we had a conversation that is making me think: What do we owe our aging parents in terms of staying close by? They made it clear to us that being nearby is important as they age, that it is our responsibility to look after them, and that we should not move away until they are gone.

Given that they had us young and the longevity in our family, it’s conceivable that we could be caring for them until we ourselves are 80 or so.

We reassured them that if we decided to make a move out of state after we retire, we would either ask them to relocate with us or make sure they had care in the form of assisted living or in-home aides. I don’t think they liked this answer.

I understand that it’s important to look after our parents, but does that mean sacrificing our own desires in terms of where to live???

Lol! Why do you allow someone else to dictate your life? They cannot control where you live or how much support you give them. Live your own life.

Entitled parents like this p*** me off. You don't have children so they can be your indentured servants and be your nurse in old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't help your parents, don't be surprised if your kids don't help you.

Nope. If you don't help your *kids*, don't be surprised if your kids don't help you. Your parents, your kids' grandparents, are entirely different people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't help your parents, don't be surprised if your kids don't help you.

Or you could plan properly and not manipulate and guilt your children into doing something you failed to prep for.

[Anonymous]

They made it clear to us that being nearby is important as they age, that it is our responsibility to look after them, and that we should not move away until they are gone - - this is not normal. No reason you need to honor this. Just because *they* think it, and wish it, doesn't obligate.

We would either ask them to relocate with us or make sure they had care in the form of assisted living or in-home aides. I don’t think they liked this answer -- what you can do is: know their finances. If they have expectations --- even if you aren't going to meet those expectations -- still, if they are going to talk about the future -with you in it- THEY need to share all financial info with you on an ongoing basis.

Generally Op, love them. Ignore their unreasonable preferences. Let them get mad if they choose to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't help your parents, don't be surprised if your kids don't help you.

I don't expect them to. We have planned and will have enough money to pay for care way past when we expect to live. Sure I expect them to visit and be involved in our lives but the day to day care will not be their responsibility. They have their own families to raise at that point.

[Anonymous]

Elderly Parents ~ it may be you can't make them happy, but you should do all you can to make them safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to put on your own oxygen mask first. You raised your kids. Do you have an expectation that they’ll live near you for the eventuality that you’ll need to be taken care of? I’d bet that answer is no.

For some reason our parents seem to have this sense of entitlement and expectation that we exist only to make sure their needs are met as they age. It’s incredibly selfish. I’m living this now so I feel as though I have the right to this opinion.

There is no planning on their part and they refuse to make changes that would make their own lives easier so it falls on us. I’d suggest if you’re planning a move to do it sooner than later because if you’re still in the local area when they start needing massive services you may be stuck, like many of us are. Go live your life!

Fixed that for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never sacrifice my time/money for my parents like that. This is what hired help is for.

Wow. You must not have a good relationship with your parents. I can’t imagine feeling so transactional regarding my parents and would never think of their care in the same way I would hire help to mow the lawn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never sacrifice my time/money for my parents like that. This is what hired help is for.

Wow. You must not have a good relationship with your parents. I can’t imagine feeling so transactional regarding my parents and would never think of their care in the same way I would hire help to mow the lawn.

PP put it bluntly but this is what we do. None of us live anywhere near our parents any more. We hire someone to come in a few days a week to help in daily tasks. We also hire someone else to go to medical appointments with them. Logistically there's no way we could physically do this. They have enough money to pay for this and the arrangement works out for everyone. Yes, we throw money at the problem. Works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't help your parents, don't be surprised if your kids don't help you.

Nope. If you don't help your *kids*, don't be surprised if your kids don't help you. Your parents, your kids' grandparents, are entirely different people.

If your kids don't see you model that behavior in your own life, they won't have it for you later. You at least need to display authentic care and concern for your aging parents. Most of DCUM has nothing but distain for their parents though from what you see on this board.