Sacrificing own desires for elderly parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't help your parents, don't be surprised if your kids don't help you.

Nope. If you don't help your *kids*, don't be surprised if your kids don't help you. Your parents, your kids' grandparents, are entirely different people.

If your kids don't see you model that behavior in your own life, they won't have it for you later. You at least need to display authentic care and concern for your aging parents. Most of DCUM has nothing but distain for their parents though from what you see on this board.

So any kids with no living grandparents will automatically never have compassion for their aging parents? Maybe try making an actual plausible argument if you're going to try and shame people for not being doormats

Kids will see you ignore your parents and may do same to you b/c you taught them it's ok...

The generational ellipses again, surprise, surprise.

Won't be a surprise when your kid(s) treat you exactly the way you did your parents. Good luck!

Actually no. The fastest way to ensure your adult kids will stay far away is to have them take a constant backseat to demanding grandma and watch their parents being miserable. I would never in a million years want my adult kids to sacrifice their careers, families and happiness to bail me out of my own failings. I really do not understand these selfish crap boomers who are so entitled!

Oh honey, don't worry you sound like you will do a very good job of driving your kids far away from you all on your own.

Well, no. Sorry, but she's right.

[Anonymous]

It’s really all in your head. You don’t have to give in to their manipulations really; only if you want to.
My parents chose not to help me financially which led me to moving to bigger pastures. One of them (the one driving the no help idea) is dead and I moved the other one closer to me.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would like to point out that I have a couple of friends and a sibling who either have relatives in assisted livings and nursing homes or provide ministerial/pastoral care visits to those in facilities. They have all seen a stunning decline in the quality of services due to labor shortages. One person who had their very nice CCRC all picked out said they will now never go into one. That leaves home health care aids, which is another area experiencing shortages. So, while it is good to plan options other than family members, those options appear to be rapidly deteriorating in quality. [/quote]

You can find quality aids if you pay top dollar outside of care companies. It’s a lot of work finding a good one but once you do it’s worth every penny. Our parents have a fantastic one that we found privately and she’s fantastic. And definitely not cheap. [/quote]

One person cannot be responsible for the 24/7 care of two people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our parents are still independent, but we had a conversation that is making me think: What do we owe our aging parents in terms of staying close by? They made it clear to us that being nearby is important as they age, that it is our responsibility to look after them, and that we should not move away until they are gone.

Given that they had us young and the longevity in our family, it’s conceivable that we could be caring for them until we ourselves are 80 or so.

We reassured them that if we decided to make a move out of state after we retire, we would either ask them to relocate with us or make sure they had care in the form of assisted living or in-home aides. I don’t think they liked this answer.

I understand that it’s important to look after our parents, but does that mean sacrificing our own desires in terms of where to live???

Nope, it is not your responsibility to "stay nearby".

My parents live on the other coast from us. We offered to help them move near us and get a place. They didn't want to. Preferred to stay where they have lived for 40+ years.

We finally convinced them to sell their home and move into a CCRC while still healthy 6 years ago. They are LMC, but very frugal and saved a ton. They were eligible to move in but we had to pay the huge entry fee. We did that as our "obligation" to help our parents. This way we don't feel stressed--if we are on vacation or busy with work and something happens, they have everything they need. If they need to transition to the next level of care, it will happen automatically. So if I cannot get to them for another 24 hours (it's 2 flights to get to them normally, so 10-12 hours door to door). This way they are well cared for and we don't have to worry.
Now my parents are independent and dont' expect us to "care for them"--they want to do it themselves, so that helps.
But they certainly don't expect us to move nearby. we offered to bring them near us, but this is the best of both worlds. They are happy, near friends and doctors and in a great place, still in Ind living, but should next level of care be needed easy transition. And they are nearby each other if that happens so they can still see each other daily

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ah, yes. Another, we dont want to help the people who raised us as they age towards death thread.

Do you have an obligation to care for loving parents? Yes. (No need to hear from those of you -like me- who had a physically and mentally abusive parent. I get it. I'm not talking to you).

Do you have an obligation to sacrifice everything? No.

It's not either/or. They have some choices to make too. But here, especially, they helped you with your kids. So, yeah, they owe you something.

we are not giving up our careers or retirement desires to live in an area we would hate and would not have employment opportunities. We offered to move parents closer to us, they declined. they are in a CCRC so well cared for. They know this means it might be a few days before we can get to them if they are ill/hsopitalized (2 flights if we are at home, more if we are on a vacation). This way they are well cared for, and we don't feel guilty if we cannot get to them immediately. They also know this means we only see them a few times per year. If they want more involvement, they need to move closer to us.
Note: we have never lived in same area as them, but did live 3 hours from them for 15 years when grandkids were growing up. But otherwise we have been a huge distance from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would like to point out that I have a couple of friends and a sibling who either have relatives in assisted livings and nursing homes or provide ministerial/pastoral care visits to those in facilities. They have all seen a stunning decline in the quality of services due to labor shortages. One person who had their very nice CCRC all picked out said they will now never go into one. That leaves home health care aids, which is another area experiencing shortages. So, while it is good to plan options other than family members, those options appear to be rapidly deteriorating in quality.

You can find quality aids if you pay top dollar outside of care companies. It’s a lot of work finding a good one but once you do it’s worth every penny. Our parents have a fantastic one that we found privately and she’s fantastic. And definitely not cheap.

How much is not cheap? And what makes her great? TIA!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My case is a bit unusual, but since 2018, I have rendered more financial assistance to my dad than he provided me from birth to age 18. Not only do I feel like I have discharged any obligation, but DH and I need to start saving for our own eldercare so we don’t burden our kids financially.

My dad is now in a Medicaid bed, but he always needs something that isn’t covered by the little bit of money he gets to keep each month. And those are just real needs and not reasonable wants (like a haircut or shaving supplies).

All but two of my siblings do chip in now and again, but it is no longer sustainable. Every $1 I spend on my dad is essentially a $1 that I am taking away from my children when I’m in need of care myself someday.

If you think you are spending a lot now, wait until the incoming administration cuts federal Medicaid funding.

I know. I’ve been bracing myself for months since the election. Sadly, I can’t do more than I’m already doing and soon I will need to do much, much less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never sacrifice my time/money for my parents like that. This is what hired help is for.

Wow. You must not have a good relationship with your parents. I can’t imagine feeling so transactional regarding my parents and would never think of their care in the same way I would hire help to mow the lawn.

PP put it bluntly but this is what we do. None of us live anywhere near our parents any more. We hire someone to come in a few days a week to help in daily tasks. We also hire someone else to go to medical appointments with them. Logistically there's no way we could physically do this. They have enough money to pay for this and the arrangement works out for everyone. Yes, we throw money at the problem. Works for us.

If your parents won't move closer to you, then that is all you can do--hire help. And even if they were closer to you, most are not able to take their parents to every appt, to every grocery trip, etc. Because we have a life with our own spouse, kids, friends and possibly our own grandkids. So even then, you might still need to hire help.

IMO, best to hire the help and let everyone live where they want to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would like to point out that I have a couple of friends and a sibling who either have relatives in assisted livings and nursing homes or provide ministerial/pastoral care visits to those in facilities. They have all seen a stunning decline in the quality of services due to labor shortages. One person who had their very nice CCRC all picked out said they will now never go into one. That leaves home health care aids, which is another area experiencing shortages. So, while it is good to plan options other than family members, those options appear to be rapidly deteriorating in quality.

Your mileage may vary. I'd argue, finding at home quality help is always an issue. It's expensive and even with a great agency, there isn't much they agency can do if their help simply doesn't show up/calls out that day---they cannot send people who dont show up.
I'd argue most good CCRCs are a much better solution. My parents are in one and love it. They recently had 4 days of "no water". The CCRC was amazing, immediately dropped off water for each resident, and started dropping off 2 meals a day for everyone with no charges for the meals---because they don't want someone to get ill from not being able to clean dishes/etc (the staff had bottled water to use to prepare and clean up safely). This started at 6pm one day. By the next morning, they had staff going door to door 2-3 times per day (and you could call if needed sooner) to bring non-portable water to flush your toilets for you. It was handled extremely well, given the circumstances.
I'm so happy my parents were not simply in a house or an apartment and on their own during this (it was county wide event). Or out searching for bottled water themselves (hint: there was none in the stores), not to mention there was snow on the ground in an area that doesn't get much snow, so nobody knows how to drive or clean it. So yes, I was thrilled my parents were in a facility and well taken care of in Ind living. That is why they are there and not an apartment as they age

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are in our late 50s and they are 79. And one of them had a parent who lived to 102. So, yes, we will be 80 if either lives that long.

That’s a big if.

DP: my own grandparents on one side lived to 90+. Both were had many medical conditions and were morbidly obese. People on that side live very long. So I have to imagine that someone healthy from that gene pool could easily make it to 100+. My other side the women live to 100+, many still in Ind Living conditions until 98+. So yes, I will consider I just might make it to 95+ easily.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you have a responsibility to stay nearby but I think it’s nice if you help them to move closer to you, if that’s what you both want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would like to point out that I have a couple of friends and a sibling who either have relatives in assisted livings and nursing homes or provide ministerial/pastoral care visits to those in facilities. They have all seen a stunning decline in the quality of services due to labor shortages. One person who had their very nice CCRC all picked out said they will now never go into one. That leaves home health care aids, which is another area experiencing shortages. So, while it is good to plan options other than family members, those options appear to be rapidly deteriorating in quality.

You can find quality aids if you pay top dollar outside of care companies. It’s a lot of work finding a good one but once you do it’s worth every penny. Our parents have a fantastic one that we found privately and she’s fantastic. And definitely not cheap.

You really have no idea. It is very very hard to find good care even with ‘top dollar’ (btw you sound like an idiot sniffing about your $)

Exactly!!

I had a friend with a severely disabled kid. They had round the clock care, were rich (and had money from the lawsuit from the doctor who left the kid disabled during delivery), yet they were constantly struggling with care. Once again, it is challenging to find quality care. The good ones often get themselves more educated and move onto a BSN or some other better paying position. Cannot tell you how many times she was stressed because staff simply didnt' show up...or the only care available are people not really qualified (but that is the best the agency can send because you cannot send people who leave for a better type of job). Dealing with disabled people/elderly people is not fun, the employees are not typically paid well, and even if you are paying well, the good ones will realize they can "get more educated and move onto a much better job" so they don't stay forever---once they get their nursing degree or whatever they move on (many good ones are just doing the job while in school)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would like to point out that I have a couple of friends and a sibling who either have relatives in assisted livings and nursing homes or provide ministerial/pastoral care visits to those in facilities. They have all seen a stunning decline in the quality of services due to labor shortages. One person who had their very nice CCRC all picked out said they will now never go into one. That leaves home health care aids, which is another area experiencing shortages. So, while it is good to plan options other than family members, those options appear to be rapidly deteriorating in quality.

You can find quality aids if you pay top dollar outside of care companies. It’s a lot of work finding a good one but once you do it’s worth every penny. Our parents have a fantastic one that we found privately and she’s fantastic. And definitely not cheap.

How much is not cheap? And what makes her great? TIA!

They have i caregiver and not through an agency? How many hours? What if she is sick? Do you give her paid sick leave and benefits? We found the best ones did not stay at the job and we used an agency so there was backup. On Care.com there were a lot of people who did not have proof of citizenship and were not bonded and insured. It's a risk.

Residential facilities are bashed so much on here and not enough people talk about the social aspect. There is nothing like seeing your parents make new friends and join activities and outings. Once they get acclimated it can give them a whole new lease on life. Using that part of your brain-learning new names, showing kindness and compassion for others, sharing laughter all helps slow the decline and can even do some reversal. Yes, they are understaffed and there can be issues, but the pros far outweighed the cons with our family members who went that route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would like to point out that I have a couple of friends and a sibling who either have relatives in assisted livings and nursing homes or provide ministerial/pastoral care visits to those in facilities. They have all seen a stunning decline in the quality of services due to labor shortages. One person who had their very nice CCRC all picked out said they will now never go into one. That leaves home health care aids, which is another area experiencing shortages. So, while it is good to plan options other than family members, those options appear to be rapidly deteriorating in quality.

You can find quality aids if you pay top dollar outside of care companies. It’s a lot of work finding a good one but once you do it’s worth every penny. Our parents have a fantastic one that we found privately and she’s fantastic. And definitely not cheap.

How much is not cheap? And what makes her great? TIA!

They have i caregiver and not through an agency? How many hours? What if she is sick? Do you give her paid sick leave and benefits? We found the best ones did not stay at the job and we used an agency so there was backup. On Care.com there were a lot of people who did not have proof of citizenship and were not bonded and insured. It's a risk.

Residential facilities are bashed so much on here and not enough people talk about the social aspect. There is nothing like seeing your parents make new friends and join activities and outings. Once they get acclimated it can give them a whole new lease on life. Using that part of your brain-learning new names, showing kindness and compassion for others, sharing laughter all helps slow the decline and can even do some reversal. Yes, they are understaffed and there can be issues, but the pros far outweighed the cons with our family members who went that route.

THis 1000%

Even in memory care, patients do better when they have more interactions. For my aunt, it's often (in the earlier stages) a group sitting around doing puzzles, oftentimes it's toddler/ES aged puzzles but they are together, talking and doing things. Way better than sitting at home alone with not much interaction.

[Anonymous]

We just bought our retirement home out of state. We currently live about 5 miles from my mom. She just turned 80 and is still independent, but I am seeing signs that it may not be for long. I have told her that if she wants me to be involved in her daily care, she will need to move nearby to our retirement home. I am not staying around here to care for her. She has the money to do this and long-term care insurance. So, she will be fine either way.