Does anyone else believe in Mel Robbins's Let Them theory

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It might be nothing new but it still needs to be said. If I had spent more time living my own life and not micromanaging my children’s, which my religion certainly encouraged and I thought was my “parental duty”, maybe we’d have a relationship….

I commend you on your self-awareness and I think because you are aware and take responsibility there is hope. Have you genuinely apologized to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think even the author claims this is anything new. Like a lot of books in this genre, I think the idea is that sometimes good ideas need to be presented different ways to be meaningful or helpful to people. Brene Brown didn't invent the ideas of letting go of shame or using empathy in relationships, but she describes them in relatable ways that have helped people so why not (I'll also note Brown is actually an academic who spent years studying the concept of shame in psychology so she probably does know more about it than most).

I haven't read this book and likely won't, but I thought the NYT article on Robbins was interesting and I understand her appeal. I also think the idea she's promoting here is useful and needed for a lot of people. It's not about just letting everyone do what they want. It's about not engaging directly with people whose actions feel threatening or critical to you. So like if your parents are upset that you don't drag your kids across the country to spend Christmas with them, then you just let them be upset and make decisions that make sense for you family. You don't take your parents' feelings on as your own because those are not your feelings. You let your parents feel what they feel, respectfully, but you don't feel the need to contort yourself or your life to "fix" their feelings.

Groundbreaking? No. Helpful for many people who struggle with this precise issue in many interpersonal relationships? Yes. I started learning to "let them" about 10 years ago and I'm still working on it but it's been really helpful. In recent years I discovered that if I'm struggling to "let them" it helps if I go lift weights. So now I'm physically stronger and fitter and also mentally better off. Win-win.

If this book helps people, well... let them be helped! Who cares if it's not for you?

So well said.It's not new, but she ads an appealing spin and it's useful to me. it helps you accept people as they are not be codependent controlling or controlled by others and their emotions and manipulations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please gift link it someone

Say what. Does google or safari not work for you?

No, I do not have long-distance internet.

[Anonymous]

I think more people need to use the "let them" theory with low and no contact. There is a reason those family members see eachother less. Stay out of it and let them. Don't try to force relationships. usually people decrease contact after many years of trying to make things work with more contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually believe this theory is why America is going downhill. It's just another word for being self obsessed.

Hard disagree. Assuming I understand correctly, and we are talking on an interpersonal level (not, say, a societal law enforcement level), it’s refusing to let your own ego lead you around or distract you from what really matters. You don’t actually need to respond to every insult, settle every score, defend yourself against every bad faith implication. You can just notice what’s been done, then keep going with your own thing. It’s the equivalent of saying “okay” instead of taking the bait.

I started doing this at a certain point in my life, and it was so freeing. It also made it abundantly clear whom I wanted to spend time with…and didn’t. Gave me a better sense of humor, too. Agree with a PP that the stoics have a lot of good things to say here.

Yup. Let them be wrong about you. The life coach school says people pleasing is manipulative, which pairs nicely with this.

I would really like to know more about this idea

Oprah has said people pleasing is a survival skill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please gift link it someone

Say what. Does google or safari not work for you?

No, I do not have long-distance internet.

How are you getting on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always been a good judge of who is an idiot and who isn’t, a skill that has helped me immensely in my career and personal life.

Anyone who thinks what this woman is saying is original or insightful (she is repackaging American individualism!!) is an idiot and I make a mental note to not take them seriously.

She got it from her daughter's comment so she didn't even come up with it herself.

[Anonymous]

It works to a point. At times I think it can be very selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think more people need to use the "let them" theory with low and no contact. There is a reason those family members see eachother less. Stay out of it and let them. Don't try to force relationships. usually people decrease contact after many years of trying to make things work with more contact.

I used to think "let them " was stupid but interpreted this way, it makes sense. I'm low contact with MANY people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing wrong with this "theory," which is really just common sense.

I find I have an innate distrust of all of these women of my age with their self-help revelations. This lady really annoys me for some reason.

Yeah. She reminds of the Bad Childhood Fairy guru. A lot of hot air and overpriced books or services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we all just "let them," the world will never get any better.

True to a certain extent.

When one guy started to hijack an event I organized, people told me I needed to go on stage and make him leave.

I had a feeling he would sink his own ship and make everyone hate him. I didn’t stop him from hogging time, and people hated him for that and other reasons. He was a jerk in more ways than one. Since I didn’t control his rude behavior of taking more time than allowed, people could find out sooner rather than later what he was like.

I did this 20 years ago so this “let them” concept” is old as the hills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s pretty much always been my way of life but it does mean leaving a lot of situations and relationships behind and ghosting.

Ghosting is a form of abuse, but we will all let you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone read the book?

I understand the premise and it’s probably helpful for chronic people pleasers, like myself. But if we just let people do as they please, how is anyone held accountable?

If I let my rude, negative family member continue their ways because that’s how they’ve always been…what comes of that? Or is it my own reaction that I am supposed to control?

I didn’t read the book but learned from experience and therapy that letting the negative family member do their thing means they will do it to others. Eventually, the word will get out and others will see this person for who they are.

When this works best is when I don’t take the bait from the negative family member. They try to draw me in to get a dopamine hit. By not reacting or by shrugging it off, it’s not fun for them anymore.

Two of my family members do this, so I have had a lot of practice!

[Anonymous]

Your inner self will know. When you've honed your intuition and connected enough with your inner guidance system, which is your higher self, your child's self, so to speak... the self that is directly connected to Creator and Source energy Etc whatever you want to call it... you will learn to trust yourself and you don't have to check in with others or ask what's acceptable or what to tolerate or not. That's the infantilized child in us, asking that question, and doubting ourselves and not having a solid sense of self, because our parents didn't allow us to separate in a healthy way from them, because they haven't done their own inner child healing in order to be emotionally healthy or mature either. So it carries on down the lineage until one of us wakes up

[Anonymous]

Isn't this otherwise called acceptance?

OMG people are dumb as a rock these days, sigh. Use your big brains! But yes, I accept most people are dumbasses.