Does anyone else believe in Mel Robbins's Let Them theory

[Anonymous]

I’ve always been a good judge of who is an idiot and who isn’t, a skill that has helped me immensely in my career and personal life.

Anyone who thinks what this woman is saying is original or insightful (she is repackaging American individualism!!) is an idiot and I make a mental note to not take them seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It might be nothing new but it still needs to be said. If I had spent more time living my own life and not micromanaging my children’s, which my religion certainly encouraged and I thought was my “parental duty”, maybe we’d have a relationship….

Mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we all just "let them," the world will never get any better.

Do you have any idea how self centered you are?

So, everyone else is doing it wrong and they need your input and direction to advance and become a better person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we all just "let them," the world will never get any better.

Not so sure about that. Sometimes a reaction gives them a little hit of dopamine, or temporary reassurance about their power to influence others. Can be unconscious. Not engaging is a way of breaking the stimulus-reward pattern.

I agree it’s nothing new, but if she’s reaching new audiences or reinforcing an old idea that too often gets lost in a noisy, highly-reactive world, I’m not going to judge. Most people she’s reaching probably don’t read a lot of Marcus Aurelius.

[Anonymous]

I don't think even the author claims this is anything new. Like a lot of books in this genre, I think the idea is that sometimes good ideas need to be presented different ways to be meaningful or helpful to people. Brene Brown didn't invent the ideas of letting go of shame or using empathy in relationships, but she describes them in relatable ways that have helped people so why not (I'll also note Brown is actually an academic who spent years studying the concept of shame in psychology so she probably does know more about it than most).

I haven't read this book and likely won't, but I thought the NYT article on Robbins was interesting and I understand her appeal. I also think the idea she's promoting here is useful and needed for a lot of people. It's not about just letting everyone do what they want. It's about not engaging directly with people whose actions feel threatening or critical to you. So like if your parents are upset that you don't drag your kids across the country to spend Christmas with them, then you just let them be upset and make decisions that make sense for you family. You don't take your parents' feelings on as your own because those are not your feelings. You let your parents feel what they feel, respectfully, but you don't feel the need to contort yourself or your life to "fix" their feelings.

Groundbreaking? No. Helpful for many people who struggle with this precise issue in many interpersonal relationships? Yes. I started learning to "let them" about 10 years ago and I'm still working on it but it's been really helpful. In recent years I discovered that if I'm struggling to "let them" it helps if I go lift weights. So now I'm physically stronger and fitter and also mentally better off. Win-win.

If this book helps people, well... let them be helped! Who cares if it's not for you?

[Anonymous]

I was done with it when she said everyone is just doing their best, they most certainly are not. Not everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always been a good judge of who is an idiot and who isn’t, a skill that has helped me immensely in my career and personal life.

Anyone who thinks what this woman is saying is original or insightful (she is repackaging American individualism!!) is an idiot and I make a mental note to not take them seriously.

Have a nice day! (As I move on the enjoy lunch, not saying anything further, in the spirit of the book)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was done with it when she said everyone is just doing their best, they most certainly are not. Not everyone.

This phrase has always bugged me. I guess I have a different definition for "their best."

[Anonymous]

My therapist for years had a mantra one of her clients (a kid) wrote in crayon on a big piece of paper:

You can't make anyone say, feel, do, or think ANYTHING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was done with it when she said everyone is just doing their best, they most certainly are not. Not everyone.

This phrase has always bugged me. I guess I have a different definition for "their best."

I think most of the time it's helpful. Maybe "best" is not the right word exactly but basically that if they had it in them to do something else they would. But the real question is what do YOU do, and does what you do help or hurt the situation, whatever it is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we all just "let them," the world will never get any better.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was done with it when she said everyone is just doing their best, they most certainly are not. Not everyone.

This phrase has always bugged me. I guess I have a different definition for "their best."

I think most of the time it's helpful. Maybe "best" is not the right word exactly but basically that if they had it in them to do something else they would. But the real question is what do YOU do, and does what you do help or hurt the situation, whatever it is?

I get what the PP is saying but I also think it's important to let it go.

I have thought many times in my life that other people could have done better and tried harder, and I've been frustrated with the fact that they don't. Especially when it's caused problems for me, and especially when I *am* trying my best and I feel thwarted by others not putting in effort.

But as I've gotten older, I've realized that I can't make people do better. At least not people other than someone who is actually my own child who I can help to learn and provide support to. Everyone else, I have to accept what they can give me even if I really do think they could give more if they actually tried. For whatever reason, they are not, and I have to accept that.

And then I just try to structure my life so it doesn't depend on anyone giving me more than I want them to. That's it. I just don't depend on people to try any harder than they have historically shown a willingness to try. Sure, maybe they could try harder under the right circumstances, but I can't go around rearranging everyone's circumstances to bring out their best. I have to focus on my circumstances and my best, and view most other people's contributions as a nice-to-have but not a must-have.

So no, everyone is NOT trying their best. But you can't do anything about it when they don't. You have to accept and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually believe this theory is why America is going downhill. It's just another word for being self obsessed.

Hard disagree. Assuming I understand correctly, and we are talking on an interpersonal level (not, say, a societal law enforcement level), it’s refusing to let your own ego lead you around or distract you from what really matters. You don’t actually need to respond to every insult, settle every score, defend yourself against every bad faith implication. You can just notice what’s been done, then keep going with your own thing. It’s the equivalent of saying “okay” instead of taking the bait.

I started doing this at a certain point in my life, and it was so freeing. It also made it abundantly clear whom I wanted to spend time with…and didn’t. Gave me a better sense of humor, too. Agree with a PP that the stoics have a lot of good things to say here.

Yup. Let them be wrong about you. The life coach school says people pleasing is manipulative, which pairs nicely with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always been a good judge of who is an idiot and who isn’t, a skill that has helped me immensely in my career and personal life.

Anyone who thinks what this woman is saying is original or insightful (she is repackaging American individualism!!) is an idiot and I make a mental note to not take them seriously.

LOL ok. Can you tell us please, the original creator of American individualism? The person you do revere.

(Though I don’t agree it’s AI.)

[Anonymous]

Has anyone read the book?

I understand the premise and it’s probably helpful for chronic people pleasers, like myself. But if we just let people do as they please, how is anyone held accountable?

If I let my rude, negative family member continue their ways because that’s how they’ve always been…what comes of that? Or is it my own reaction that I am supposed to control?