How normal is it to yell at your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We yell most days. Personally I think the conflict adverse houses and kids are a lot more anxious.

Genuine question for people who describe houses where people don't yell as "conflict adverse." Do you yell in the rest of your life? I don't yell at my spouse or my coworkers or my friends, and they don't yell at me. We have conflicts; we just talk normally through them. It seems odd to me to expect yelling.

Are you responsible for the safety and well-being of your co-workers and friends? Do they respond to your directives as little kids might? Do they throw temper tantrums, refuse to get to work on time, refuse to leave work on time, refuse to stop playing games at work?

Dealing with your adult friends and coworkers is not comparable to dealing with your children.

[Anonymous]

To me yelling = raising my voice after repeating self for the tenth time; screaming = “flying off the handle,” the thing that is never okay, which I’ve done once, and come close to maybe twice. But being more willing to yell at all seems to open the door to screaming. So as a childhood recipient of both, I feel awful after I’ve “yelled.” Even literally just increasing the volume must have a physiological effect on both parties, right? Like something linked to aggression or a warning of danger? I don’t really know what it looks like, but I’m working on becoming the parent that never even raises their voice. I wish I could get there faster, I can’t pause my kids’ childhoods

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? We yell at some point most days Sometimes it takes a sharp ‘GET OFF YOUR BROTHER’ to prevent an injury, and I’m okay with that.

Yelling usually only happens after a long period of calmness though, so generally I think we are fairly measured.

Same here. I’m not shouting at the kids belittling them, but yes sometimes I need to raise my voice to get them to listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have the same relationship with your coworkers. You aren't responsible for them or required to teach them. Coworkers get fired when they don't do well.

I'm pretty sure I heard my boss say we were a family

But seriously, a boss's responsibilities do include teaching and feedback. Most don't yell at their employees (and most employees would quit if yelled at). That tells me yelling at home is taking out your anger and stress on somebody who cannot leave.

Uh, no. It’s telling you that you work with adults who were interviewed and hired into a team, and that there are expectations that they can behave like adults and listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me yelling = raising my voice after repeating self for the tenth time; screaming = “flying off the handle,” the thing that is never okay, which I’ve done once, and come close to maybe twice. But being more willing to yell at all seems to open the door to screaming. So as a childhood recipient of both, I feel awful after I’ve “yelled.” Even literally just increasing the volume must have a physiological effect on both parties, right? Like something linked to aggression or a warning of danger? I don’t really know what it looks like, but I’m working on becoming the parent that never even raises their voice. I wish I could get there faster, I can’t pause my kids’ childhoods

I think it’s actually okay to fly off the handle occasionally, particularly with older kids. Their actions and behavior do actually impact other people and it’s probably not a bad idea for them to see how sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We yell most days. Personally I think the conflict adverse houses and kids are a lot more anxious.

Genuine question for people who describe houses where people don't yell as "conflict adverse." Do you yell in the rest of your life? I don't yell at my spouse or my coworkers or my friends, and they don't yell at me. We have conflicts; we just talk normally through them. It seems odd to me to expect yelling.

I don't describe no yelling as conflict averse but I think that my four year old's ability to talk through the conflict of wanting to keep playing indefinitely instead of putting on his shoes to go to pre-K is probably pretty limited compared to your spouse and coworkers.

Most of my yelling happens when my kids need to stop doing something fun and do something necessary (wash hands for dinner, put on shoes, brush teeth, etc). It's either repetition more loudly or threats (aka consequences). I wish they'd logically understand that oral health is more important than squeezing out 5 more minutes of Legos, but alas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We yell most days. Personally I think the conflict adverse houses and kids are a lot more anxious.

Genuine question for people who describe houses where people don't yell as "conflict adverse." Do you yell in the rest of your life? I don't yell at my spouse or my coworkers or my friends, and they don't yell at me. We have conflicts; we just talk normally through them. It seems odd to me to expect yelling.

I don't describe no yelling as conflict averse but I think that my four year old's ability to talk through the conflict of wanting to keep playing indefinitely instead of putting on his shoes to go to pre-K is probably pretty limited compared to your spouse and coworkers.

Most of my yelling happens when my kids need to stop doing something fun and do something necessary (wash hands for dinner, put on shoes, brush teeth, etc). It's either repetition more loudly or threats (aka consequences). I wish they'd logically understand that oral health is more important than squeezing out 5 more minutes of Legos, but alas.

PS I DO see a bit of sensitivity to any kind of unpleasant tone as "yelling" among my kids sometimes in interactions with others/each other, which a) means I probably don't do it that much, and b) strikes me as oversensitive, i dont think what I'm seeing is anywhere near yelling. You have to be able to deal with someone sounding unhappy with you in a normal or slightly elevated tone of voice without getting upset and making it all about feeling attacked. People will sometimes express negative emotions and not always sound calm and pleasant. Not being able to handle any of that IS conflict aversion because it's insisting on an unrealistic level or self regulation from, often, other kids.

[Anonymous]

I raise my voice regularly, I have a space cadet DS9 and a toddler but not everyday. I don’t yell outside of the home. I also usually follow-up with what my husband calls a “Full House” moment where I calm down and explain my frustration with the kids. They usually get it/ understand, even the toddler but I have to flip out first. They never just listen when I calmly ask several times. I’m really hoping that this is a phase of sorts and that as they get older and more responsible this will stop. I hate yelling. It’s sad and exhausting.

[Anonymous]

True yelling, not that often. If I need them to do something, I start to count to ten sternly. If they really aren't listening, I tell them I will take away something (for my son, video game time, for my daughter, whatever toy she is most attached to in the minute). That typically is all that is needed.

Now and then we'll get sharp, my husband will use the deep booming guy voice, but that is rare, for extremes, something very serious/dangerous.

There is a neighbor who uses the deep booming guy voice frequently for just about anything. It rattles me and gets under my skin. Hate it and feel bad for his kids.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a house with a lot of yelling. It never occurred to me that it wasn't normal until I met my husband, who never raises his voice. I don't yell much anymore, but occasionally I lose my temper or patience and do. Then I feel bad. I don't really think it's healthy for parents to do a lot of yelling.