How normal is it to yell at your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of the pps who grew up with daily yelling and now I'm wondering if my definition of yelling is the same as everyone else's. When I think of yelling, I think of total loss of control of emotions and just screaming and yelling to a level that is completely overblown for the situation. It's not a simple "Larla!!! I've told you TWENTY times to go out your shoes on!".

So when I think of myself as a "no yelling" house it's because we've never lost control and just screamed at DS the way my mom would to me. But if people are talking about just getting frustrated and raising their voice a little, that's different.

I posted earlier about going on vacation with people who didn’t yell leading to DH and I rethinking how we interact with our kids. I’m talking about, “Larla! I told you twenty times to get your shoes on.”

I also thought that everyone did that and some people lost their cool the way my parents and DH’s parents did. But some people really don’t yell at their kids at all. Probably a lot of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t really matter as long as it’s predictable behavior. If your kids know dad is going to flip his lid because they left the lights on again, or didn’t put their shoes away again, or whatever behavior for which he has already made it clear he has no patience, the yelling is just something they learn to expect and it’s not pleasant but not abusive (like some weirdo PP claimed).

If you’re randomly snapping and yelling at your kids for no apparent reason, or for something they’ve done a hundred times that never bothered you before, then it’s a problem.

Right on. Someone read their child psychology textbook .

[Anonymous]

I yell after telling kids what to do and they don’t listen, and kids actually prefer I yell than give them long paragraph of talk.

[Anonymous]

Pretty normal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We yell most days. Personally I think the conflict adverse houses and kids are a lot more anxious.

Genuine question for people who describe houses where people don't yell as "conflict adverse." Do you yell in the rest of your life? I don't yell at my spouse or my coworkers or my friends, and they don't yell at me. We have conflicts; we just talk normally through them. It seems odd to me to expect yelling.

+1. It's so weird that people who would never yell at work, or tolerate being yelled at, think it's fine to yell at their kids.
I think the same thing about expecting kids to "just work it out" with bullies when you would never tolerate that behavior between adults.

[Anonymous]

You don't have the same relationship with your coworkers. You aren't responsible for them or required to teach them. Coworkers get fired when they don't do well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have the same relationship with your coworkers. You aren't responsible for them or required to teach them. Coworkers get fired when they don't do well.

I'm pretty sure I heard my boss say we were a family

But seriously, a boss's responsibilities do include teaching and feedback. Most don't yell at their employees (and most employees would quit if yelled at). That tells me yelling at home is taking out your anger and stress on somebody who cannot leave.

[Anonymous]

They do but they are teaching adults who at the end of the day are responsible for themselves and signed an agreement to work. It's just an entirely different relationship. I'm not saying yelling us wonderful but it's just a different relationship where one person is responsible and for many things unlike a job that I'd more limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They do but they are teaching adults who at the end of the day are responsible for themselves and signed an agreement to work. It's just an entirely different relationship. I'm not saying yelling us wonderful but it's just a different relationship where one person is responsible and for many things unlike a job that I'd more limited.

This sounds very much like the explanation my dad would give for why it was okay for him to hit me but not anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Jesus. I almost never actually yell at my kids.

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I yell at each other but not at the kid.

[Anonymous]

We have three boys. There is a lot of yelling in my house. I think the type of yelling matters though. Are you really attacking them personally and belittling them, or just telling ti get them to stop tackling their brother or to brush their teeth after asking for the tenth time. Context matters in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Pretty normal

[Anonymous]

We don’t yell much in our house. We went on vacation with a family where the kids didn’t listen unless the parents yelled, and even then it was a toss up. It felt chaotic. There were small moments I noticed that could’ve made life a bit easier. For example, when asking kids to turn off their game, I ask where was a good stopping point and how to get there. Our friends, meanwhile, would suddenly tell the kids to turn it off or arbitrarily set a timer for when the game was supposed to go off. Of course there was yelling with no real communication. Our friends kept talking about screen time use, and the kids kept talking about how they had to lose progress in a game. I tried to mention to my friend that usually kids wanted to save their progress, but she dismissed me. I had to leave the house because of the yelling. To this day, I doubt they realize when they yell, they’re each having separate conversations and talking about different things.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I go a week without, sometimes it's every day multiple times in a day! But it's gotten much better as they age. I try not to do it, apologize when necessary, and that's what's important.